I’m currently in my pajamas flying 35,000 feet above sea level.
Below me, all I can see are glacial sheets of white ice floating in the Arctic Ocean. I practically shiver just looking out the window. However, here in my fully-reclining airplane seat, it’s quite cozy. I’m drinking Bordeaux, flipping through magazines, and watching “The Departed” on my own private video screen. As I write this, a stewardess is asking me whether I want hot fudge or pineapple sauce on my Haagen Daaz Dulce de Leche ice cream sundae (FYI, the correct answer to this question is always “Yes!”)
Unfortunately, this is as good as it’s going to get.
Over the next 11 days, I’ll be traveling solo all over Asia for work. I’ll visit 7 cities, log more than 40 hours in the air, and spend most of my time worrying about the safety of the 25-year old death traps I’ll be flying in (I swear some of these planes used to be operated by People’s Express back in the 80’s.)
Along the way, I’ll fight sweltering crowds, try to navigate arbitrary flight schedules, argue with corrupt customs officials, berate cab drivers for ripping me off, and try to avoid having my luggage stolen by gangs of teenagers on mopeds. Glamorous, isn’t it?
When I was younger, I loved traveling solo like this to far-off distant places. I loved landing in a foreign country where I didn’t know a single person and didn’t speak the local language. The farther off the beaten path, the more I enjoyed it. Spending my vacation on a beach chair? Going on a cruise? Visiting museums in Europe? Fuck that! For the same price, I’d rather spend the week riding elephants in Sri Lanka, climbing Mt. Fuji, or exploring Outer Mongolia. The world is a big place and I want to see as much of it as possible before I die.
It's funny though. Back then, the biggest concerns I had about taking a long solo trip like this one were (1) who was going to tape “Dawson’s Creek” for me, (2) how would I get the scores of Mets games, and (3) were my plants going to die.
Now, that I’m married and have a child? Holy shit, I worry about everything!
In my mind (which is highly influenced by television and pop culture,) I can't help but think about all the possible things that could happen to me. I worry about my plane getting hijacked by terrorists dressed up in Elvis masks. I worry that the plane will crash in Siberia and I’ll have to eat my fellow passengers in order to survive.
Shit, I even worry about snakes on the motherfucking plane!
And after watching “24” two nights ago, I can now also add to my list of worries the fear that I’ll be tortured and held hostage by the Chinese government for two years!
(Speaking of “24,” isn’t it amazing how this show continues to appeal to both conservative Republicans AND liberal Democrats? Over the past year, I’ve heard both Dick Cheney and Barbara Streisand reference the show during speeches! This show has more cross-over appeal than the illegitimate love child of Barack Obama and John McCain.
By the way, could it be possible that Jack Bauer is a bigger bad-ass than ever? BossLady and I had Thai food delivered last night to coincide with the season premiere. The first 15 minutes were so gory that by the time Jack ate that dude’s neck, I was already choking on my pad thai.
One more thing…Does anyone besides me think that Kal "Kumar" Penn playing a Middle-Eastern character is the worst casting since David Carradine played Kwai Chang Caine in "Kung Fu?" Although it is fun to yell, "No matter what, dude, we are NOT ending this night without White Castle in our stomachs!" every time Kal Penn shows up onscreen trying to speak Farsi, there's something about casting an Indian dude in the role that ruffles my race feathers the wrong way.)
Shit. What was I talking about again? Oh yeah, my fears and worries about traveling and being away from my beautiful wife and lovely daughter. Actually, upon further consideration, I'm not that worried. I think maybe the malaria medication is having a weird reaction with all the scotch.
To tell you the truth, my only semi-real fear is that the Peanut isn’t going to remember me when I get back. The kid’s memory seems to reset itself every two weeks. If you’re not around her constantly, she either forgets all about you or, even worse, she just pretends not to know you. Man, if after all this traveling, I returned home only to discover that the Peanut not only didn’t miss me but also had forgotten all about me, that would just fucking kill me.
Unless of course the Chinese or those motherfucking snakes don't get to me first!
I heart Jack Bauer. Tough AND sensitive. Mmmmm yummy.
(Have you seen the second two hours of the premiere? Even better than the first two.)
Posted by: just susie | January 18, 2007 at 09:09 PM
What got me is when I started seeing the previews and realized that Dr. Bashir from Star Trek is in 24 this season! He's playing Assad. When he kneecapped that guy with a knife, I was thinking, "Boy, have YOU come a long way..."
Safe travels, MD. Hot fudge and pineapple. Yum.
Posted by: Deanna | January 19, 2007 at 01:12 AM
also did a doubletake on the Dawson's Creek thing, have to say. heh.
when my son was Peanut's age, I traveled to Africa for 3 weeks. All the same concerns (luckily 24 and Snakes had not released then).
Came back, convinced I had some "rebonding" to do. Not at all. For him it was like I'd never been away.
Posted by: gingajoy | January 19, 2007 at 02:12 PM
Am I the only person in the universe who DOESN'T find Jack Bauer remotely compelling? Bad-ass, sure, maybe, but he's still got that whiff of Prairie Canadian on him that lets you know that no matter how bad-ass he gets, he's going to, in the darkest part of his soul, feel really, really, really apologetic about it.
Posted by: Her Bad Mother | January 20, 2007 at 01:50 PM
I remember paying for my ticket from my seat and then waiting for two hours to take off from O'Hare going to Jersey. You can tell my company was cheap. Peoples Express was mandated.
Posted by: Mickysolo | January 21, 2007 at 01:04 PM
40 hours on a plane? That's an endurance test that should be a category in the Olympics. Hope you're flying business class -- when I was younger, I could fly 24 hours to New Zealand, but these days, I'd definitely think twice. In my experience, any airline that isn't domestic (unless it's one of those cut-rate Flying is Us) will give you some cause not to care as much about the hours you're putting in.
I'm sure the Peanut will remember you -- especially if you return with presents. Bring something for the Boss Lady, too.
Posted by: alice, uptown | January 21, 2007 at 04:27 PM
The next time I fly, I'm doing it in my pj's too, dammit!
Posted by: Queen of Ass | January 21, 2007 at 07:22 PM
Great Blog :-) Enjoy your trip and have no fear, peanuts never forget their dads :-D
Posted by: Chris | January 21, 2007 at 10:19 PM
omg. whoriental. too frickin' hilarious. i'll have to pass that along to my little sister who teaches asian-am studies to high schoolers. she devotes part of her class to teaching her female students to avoid the asian-fetishists, and basically not to become these whoriental-types.
Posted by: lisa K | February 02, 2007 at 06:45 PM