Around the World in 11 Days

I’m currently in my pajamas flying 35,000 feet above sea level.

Below me, all I can see are glacial sheets of white ice floating in the Arctic Ocean.  I practically shiver just looking out the window.  However, here in my fully-reclining airplane seat, it’s quite cozy.  I’m drinking Bordeaux, flipping through magazines, and watching “The Departed” on my own private video screen.  As I write this, a stewardess is asking me whether I want hot fudge or pineapple sauce on my Haagen Daaz Dulce de Leche ice cream sundae (FYI, the correct answer to this question is always “Yes!”)

Unfortunately, this is as good as it’s going to get.

Over the next 11 days, I’ll be traveling solo all over Asia for work.  I’ll visit 7 cities, log more than 40 hours in the air, and spend most of my time worrying about the safety of the 25-year old death traps I’ll be flying in (I swear some of these planes used to be operated by People’s Express back in the 80’s.) 

Along the way, I’ll fight sweltering crowds, try to navigate arbitrary flight schedules, argue with corrupt customs officials, berate cab drivers for ripping me off, and try to avoid having my luggage stolen by gangs of teenagers on mopeds. Glamorous, isn’t it? 

When I was younger, I loved traveling solo like this to far-off distant places.  I loved landing in a foreign country where I didn’t know a single person and didn’t speak the local language.  The farther off the beaten path, the more I enjoyed it.  Spending my vacation on a beach chair?  Going on a cruise?  Visiting museums in Europe?  Fuck that!  For the same price, I’d rather spend the week riding elephants in Sri Lanka, climbing Mt. Fuji, or exploring Outer Mongolia.  The world is a big place and I want to see as much of it as possible before I die.   

It's funny though.  Back then, the biggest concerns I had about taking a long solo trip like this one were (1) who was going to tape “Dawson’s Creek” for me, (2) how would I get the scores of Mets games, and (3) were my plants going to die.

Now, that I’m married and have a child?  Holy shit, I worry about everything!

In my mind (which is highly influenced by television and pop culture,) I can't help but think about all the possible things that could happen to me.  I worry about my plane getting hijacked by terrorists dressed up in Elvis masks. I worry that the plane will crash in Siberia and I’ll have to eat my fellow passengers in order to survive.    

Shit, I even worry about snakes on the motherfucking plane!

And after watching “24” two nights ago, I can now also add to my list of worries the fear that I’ll be tortured and held hostage by the Chinese government for two years! 

(Speaking of “24,” isn’t it amazing how this show continues to appeal to both conservative Republicans AND liberal Democrats?  Over the past year, I’ve heard both Dick Cheney and Barbara Streisand reference the show during speeches!  This show has more cross-over appeal than the illegitimate love child of Barack Obama and John McCain.   

By the way, could it be possible that Jack Bauer is a bigger bad-ass than ever?  BossLady and I had Thai food delivered last night to coincide with the season premiere.  The first 15 minutes were so gory that by the time Jack ate that dude’s neck, I was already choking on my pad thai.

One more thing…Does anyone besides me think that Kal "Kumar" Penn playing a Middle-Eastern character is the worst casting since David Carradine played Kwai Chang Caine in "Kung Fu?"  Although it is fun to yell, "No matter what, dude, we are NOT ending this night without White Castle in our stomachs!" every time Kal Penn shows up onscreen trying to speak Farsi, there's something about casting an Indian dude in the role that ruffles my race feathers the wrong way.)

Shit.  What was I talking about again?  Oh yeah, my fears and worries about traveling and being away from my beautiful wife and lovely daughter.  Actually, upon further consideration, I'm not that worried.  I think maybe the malaria medication is having a weird reaction with all the scotch. 

To tell you the truth, my only semi-real fear is that the Peanut isn’t going to remember me when I get back.  The kid’s memory seems to reset itself every two weeks.  If you’re not around her constantly, she either forgets all about you or, even worse, she just pretends not to know you.  Man, if after all this traveling, I returned home only to discover that the Peanut not only didn’t miss me but also had forgotten all about me, that would just fucking kill me. 

Unless of course the Chinese or those motherfucking snakes don't get to me first! 

Comments

[no delurking today because last time i looked my blog was ugly]

Dawson's Creek ? Really ?

What an hilarious dad you are...

The easiest way to get loved by your child is for her to miss you terribly and forget about whatever "défauts" you might have harboured in her eyes, and I would bet my own furry companion that this will happen. Better spare some extra energy while you can...

[Brian]

The Peanut won't forget about her daddy, MD. Our kid is the same way. She's got a very "what have you done for me lately" attitude towards the grandparents and her aunts. But she always misses daddy.

At least I think so!

[Mick]

People's Express? Wow, I haven't heard that name since the 80's. I used to fly their shuttles all the time. Even then, their planes were pieces of shit. Travel safe, MD!

[William]

Stay Safe. I have the same worries when I travel.

[JP]

Mmmmm... hot fudge. And eating that while in pajamas. Even better! Wishing you safe travels!

[Waya]

Wow! You world traveler you! Be safe MD! As for the Peanut forgetting you, just bring back some souvenirs from each country and she will definitely remembers you for sure.

[Anne Glamore]

Isn't it amazing how it becomes stomach-churning to leave your kids? Aunt Lulu recently told me she thought I was a huge geek to take pics of my boys with me when I went out of town, and set aside time to look at them every day. Now that she has THE BABY, she completely understands.

Drew says you can kill snakes by stomping their heads, but I'd put on shoes first.

AG www.mytinykingdom.com

[Velma]

I was going to correct you on your failure to label both the snakes AND the plane motherfuckers, but I should have known that Mr. Grammatically Precise wouldn't fail to use the proper adjective with each object. My apologies, sir.

[Mr. Big Dubya]

I hear Neil Patrick Harris will be appearing as himself some time in the 12:00pm - 1:00pm hour. I hear he runs into Jack and tries to get him to go looking for furburgers.

[CroutonBoy]

Dawson's fucking Creek? I just lost all respect for you.

I can completely relate to this, though. I'm off to LA yet again this week (hardly diving with the jellyfish in Palau, but you take what you can get), and instead of the joy I used to have of living on an expense account and trashing places I'll never go to again, I'm taking a red-eye back to spend the weekend with my family. And that's work!

Good luck, don't get bit by a bird, and enjoy the ice from above while we still have some.

[MammaLoves]

I totally have a different level of fears about traveling now that I'm a parent--have also blogged about it.

The old days: I hope my shampoo doesn't explode in my bag.

Today: I hope my plane doesn't explode.

I think if the hijackers wore Elvis masks I'd probaby feel a lot better.

[steppingoverthejunk]

I've been watching the Dawson re-runs on cable. Yeeeack! Once we have kids, when we leave them, we have interesting new fears that I think are warranted. There is this strange guilt and worry of not being accepted by our kids when we aren't with them, at least for me. I have a feeling things will be okay for you and your fam. Have a safe trip.

[Papa Bradstein]

Dawson's Creek? Say it ain't so, MD.

As for the traveling, if you've had it with the motherfucking snakes on the motherfucking plane, you might want to try half doses of the anti-malarials.

I'm sure the Peanut can't wait to see you when you get back, and will love to hear about all of your adventures . . . after your two years in a Chinese prison.

Just kidding, just kidding, just kidding. Have another scotch and relax.

[BossLady]

MD even knows who sings the Dawson's Creek theme song. Just ask him! (sigh) I miss him so....

[Mama Nabi]

Not to echo everyone else's concerns... but isn't Dawson's Creek a teen show? Hm, now I'm curious... Have a great trip, Metrodad - and, trust me, Peanut wouldn't forget you! Last summer when PN was gone for 10 days, LN could only talk about Daddy. These tots have amazing memories - e.g. if you had promised Peanut a suitcase full of candy on your return, she'd definitly hold you to it. :-D

[Mikeymike]

Hey a couple reassurances:

1. Remember, Eddie Kim put those snakes on the plane. So if snakes do show up, you might not be bitten by the snakes who will probasbly recognize thier Korean overlords. On the other hand, other passengers will immediately truss you up under suspicion of having placed those snakes onthe plane.

2. At least you are beyond the conern of being nabbed by the ROK Army and being forced in to a 30 months military duty.

3. You should be taller than everyone else in Asia.

[misfithausfrau]

If you have internet access on your journey (I realize that MAY be a big if in some of your destinations) consider getting the little video cameras that attach to a laptop. I bought a set so the girls can "visit" Grandma. They really get excited.

And not to give you even more angst, but my husband has had a movie idea for years about bees on a plne. It's called "Airport Swarm" and he has a movie poster designed for it and everything! Keanu Reeves plays the beekeeper, Uma Thurman is the scientist, DMX is the pilot and Ed Asner is the baggage handler. Ironically, the New York Times featured an article recently about how bees are becoming a problem!

[Issa]

I don't know which scares me more, you know the theme song to Dawsen's Creek (thanks BossLady)or that you'd want the hot fudge and pineapple sause combined.

Peanut won't forget you. Really, who else lets her wake them up by jamming her fingers in their nose? Who, but you?

[L.]

You`ve just aroused my wanderlust -- thanks A LOT. I used to take cool business trips, too, like that press junket to the Shanghai Petrochemical Company back in `94....

Grass is always greener, though, because I know if it were me in your shoes, I` d feel the same way, and feel that pang whenever I called up the mental picture of my kids at bedtime.

[Lauren]

That is so funny - I was flipping through the channels last night and as I passed "24", my husband blurts out "Is that fucking Kumar on 24?"

Unreal. And by the way, have a good time and stay safe.

[honglien123]

I worry about the kids forgetting me when I go on long business trips too (although I only get to go to Wisconsin :sigh:) Since you didn't mention whether or not you had internet, I'm assuming you are going to have broadband or at least dialup. If you do, webcams are awesome! Along with Yahoo IM which allows my kids to "draw" me something and play games with me while I'm gone. If that doesn't work, I agree with Waya.

[J-Dad]

Did you know that McCain actually had a cameo on "24" last season? And did you know that Rick Schroeder and Chad Lowe are also scheduled to be on the show this season? THAT should be interesting.

[Jonathon]

have a good trip, dude. i haven't seen 24, but i'll bet your chances of being Jack Bauer are pretty slim. not that you're not an action hero. or. shit. i'm a dick.

i'm sure peanut will miss you.

[Mitch McDad]

That's hardcore, man. Have a safe trip. Hope there are no snakes on the plane.

[How About Two?]

I have those concerns when I fly to Texas!

Be safe and don't take any wooden nickels.

[Brent]

Watch out for that antimalaria medication, MD. I once took some for a trip to India. I had weird nightmares for a week!

[IFLYG]

Sometimes these posts are lost on me - I've never seen Dawson's Creek, "24", or Kumar. I've missed a lot of cultural references by living overseas for the last 10 years, but at least I don't have to listen to speeches by Dick Cheney or Barbra Streisand...

Dude - I know how you feel about having to be away from the girls. It's not easy. My advice to you is to find a restaraunt called Szechuan Lau in Causeway Bay in Hong Kong, order the tea-smoked duck, and I promise you'll feel better :)

[Emilie]

Oh peanut won't forget you MD. Just bring back some of the Hello Kitty crap from Asia and you will be her favorite again (sorry BossLady). -Emilie

[KC]

JP and I realized TiVo did NOT record 24 on Sunday like we thought it was going to and sat around dejected, drinking.

Stay safe.

[Jen]

Yeah, we where watching Superman Returns over the holidays and my husband was craving the White Castle himself. That dude will never be able to be in a movie again without everyone in the audience wishing they had tasty little burgers in their reaches.

[Matthew]

First, I'm jealous that you got Issa to leave a comment when she said she was leaving us.

Second, real men explore INNER Mongolia.

Oh, and do your pj's have feet in them?

[mo-wo]

It's the Canadian content that gets 24 to function that way. You know mouse/elephant, all that.

[lisa]

Did anyone ever even see that snakes on a plane movie? or did it just become a catch-phrase?

[Mick]

40 hours on a plane in less than 11 days? Holy crap, MD! I'm getting jet lagged just thinking about it. I used to fly to Asia a lot for work also. I swear it took me a week to recover from the jet lag each time (in BOTH directions!) Hope you have some melatonin.

[Mom101]

While my trips are usually across the coast and not the globe, I understand this so well. It used to be like, "wheeee! Room service!" Now it's just hard. My only reco if you don't already have one is a webcam. Nothing like being able to wake up each morning and run to the computer to see the little girl. That way she remembers you -- and you (I) don't feel quite so shitty for having to leave in the first place.

Have a wonderful trip. Can't wait to hear about all the adventures.

[Charlie Kondek]

This may earn me some emnity but I'd like to stick up for Carradine as Kwai Chang Caine. The show, "Kung Fu," is out on DVD now and showing up on random cable channels, so if you haven't seen it in 30 years, do check it out. I feel Carradine gives just the right touch of spaciness and new-age-1970s-ness to the character, which helps the show over all. I'm embarrassed to admit this but I have been blogging about the show at: kwaichangcaine.blogspot.com as I watch it on DVD.

Oh, and I should clear up: Bruce Lee was considered for the role, but his accent was very thick, and it turned out for the better, because being passed up for "Kung Fu" allowed him to go on and make "Enter the Dragon," the gold standard of kung fu movies.

How do I know this? Because I have been reading the Kung Fu book and Carradine's insane biography and watching documentaries on the show. Sigh! Such a nerd!

[whit]

As a young grasshopper, snatching that pebble with David Carradine was a huge moment for me. Thus, I fear nothing.

Dawnson's Creek makes you soft.

[Fiona]

If you can write hysterical anecdotes like that, you must still be relatively okay. Be safe. And all you gotta do when you get back is do that wet-finger-in-the-ear trick and the Peanut will recognize her partner in crime no problemo. :)

[NinjaDad]

I once rode an elephant. And I too often traven to distant places. Umm but to um you know assassinate people. In fact...yes, I have taken a guy out with an elephant. Yes. Forgot to check that off my list of things to do before I die. Got it. Thanks.

[landismom]

Have a great trip, MD. And don't worry--the Peanut won't forget you. She'll probably give you a great big hug.

And if she's anything like my kids? A great, big "whudjabringme?"

[momto3cubs]

I'll pray for safe travels. You better being back one helluva present for Peanut or you'll be paying for this for a long time ;)

[KG]

Peanut could never, ever forget you! Don't worry --- imagine the big hug you are going to get from her when you get back!

Take good care of yourself on your trip.

[kim (delurked!)]

Miss Dawson, Joey, Pacey and the gang? You can catch them all every weekday morning at 9AM on TBS. Oh yeah, the things I learned on maternity leave.

And I second the idea of using a webcam to see the fam - can't you charge that in? :)

Good luck on your trip!

[ShotgunDaddy]

There is a clear alternative -- bring 'em along. Of course, since toddlers and eleven-hour flights don't tend to mix too well, that might just trigger a whole new list of worries...

[David]

So what are you going to bring back for the Peanut? I spend more time on my trips worrying about such questions than doing business.

[Frodo Baggins]

You are a weird and funny man. Is it the malaria medication or are you always like this? New reader here.

[Xdm]

My husband is in Houstion rightnow. Prior to leaving he said he didn't want to go. That he had a "bad feeling" about leaving, and he started to have some real anxiety abuot something happening to him, or th eplane, or both. He called his gen practitioner who assured him that he would not have a heart attack, but did he want some valium, just in case? He said "no." I said, "WHy did you say that??" "I don't need it." "It's not for you!! I Want it!! GO back and get some!!!"

You never know when you might need some valium. That's what I always say.

[Wendy Boucher]

Business travel is simply overrated. It's not at all akin to taking off by yourself on a walkabout. Make the best of it and bring Peanut a new stuffed animal. If she doesn't remember you, she'll at least acknowledge you for the bribe.

[creative-type dad]

I hate to admit it, but I watched Dawson's Creek too (unknown to others..)

Good luck with the kid remembering who you are - mine is the same way these days (while working late, etc.) I'm lucky if I get to see her for 5 minutes in the morning.
I'm going to make a large cut-out of myself and stick it in her room.

[leora]

Travel safely, MD. I'm sure BL and the Peanut miss you terribly.