On Saturday night, I was at TenJune, NYC's latest hip celebrity hangout. During the evening, I came across none other than Sesame Street's own Elmo, drunkenly stumbling out of a bathroom stall with Lindsay Lohan. I tried to corner him for an interview but his handlers intervened. However, he did agree to submit his answers to the infamous Proust Questionnaire, the personality test made famous by Vanity Fair magazine. Although brief, Elmo's answers are revealing, demonstrating for the very first time not only his love for Latina women but also his long-simmering hatred of Kermit the Frog, the high costs of fame and his plans for the future.
I now bring you the following MetroDad exclusive:
What is your most marked characteristic?
These fucking googly eyes, man. I've been to every top opthalmologic surgeon on Park Avenue and they all say that there's nothing that can be done about them. C'est la vie.
What are your favorite names?
J.Lo, Maria, and Rosita. What can I say, hermano? Elmo likes his women like he likes his chicken...spicy!
What is your motto?
Elmo's gotta do what Elmo's gotta do.
Which historical figure do you most identify with?
Richard Milhous Nixon.
Which living person do you most admire?
Alf. Dude lives like a king off his residuals and he hasn't worked in years.
What is your greatest extravagance?
Bling, man. I practically sign my paychecks over to Jacob the Jeweler. My favorite piece is this gold and diamond necklace that spells out "TMX." The ladies in the clubs love it.
Which living person do you most despise?
I don't want to name names but he's green and he looks like a fucking frog.
What is your greatest fear?
Three words: celebrity. sex. tape.
What is your greatest regret?
Getting high in the recording studio during the taping of "Potty Time." I really screwed up that one. Thank God for good P.R.
What is your idea of perfect happiness?
A world without frogs.
On what occasion do you lie?
Every day when I'm on the set, man. I'm 23 years old. You really think my best friend is a fucking goldfish?
What is your current state of mind?
Anxious. My Sesame Street contract ends next year. Elmo's headed out to L.A. for pilot season and he's got a couple of film projects on the back burner. The next few years are "make or break" for Elmo.
What do you consider your most overrated virtue?
My overt optimism. You've got to remember, man, I'm just playing a role. You really think anyone is this cheerful ALL THE TIME? The only one on set who's constantly happy is Big Bird and that's because those bird seed milkshakes are really Prozac/Oxycontin cocktails. Seriously, go back and look at tapes from a few years ago. The dude was depressed constantly. Now, he's Mr. Peppy!
If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?
That they weren't such a motley crew of free-loading sycophants.
What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Public appearances with various charities and testifying before Congress. I have to do a certain amount of them each year. It's all included in my contract. That's why I had to fire Ovitz and leave CAA.
Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
"Seriously, who do I need to blow in order to get a cup of coffee around here?"
Who are your heroes in real life?
Jay-Z, Kanye, and Condi.
Who or what is the greatest love of your life?
Rosie O'Donnell. I won't go into details but there's a reason I was booked on her show 14 times.
What is your most treasured possession?
An autographed copy of "The O'Reilly Factor for Kids."
When and where were you happiest?
Before the show hit it big, Grover, Oscar and I would spend endless nights partying and cruising the city for women. If we didn't get lucky, we'd usually end up at some obscure after-hours club. Now when I go out, I need an entire fucking entourage, man. Plus, the paparazzi are everywhere now. I miss the old days.
Where would you like to live?
Vila Sésamo, hombre. Comprende?
Which talent would you most like to have?
A baritone singing voice.
If you could choose what to come back as, what would it be?
Salma Hayek's panties.
What is the quality you most like in a man?
What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Who are your favorite writers?
Hunter Thompson, William S. Burroughs, and Jack Kerouac. Been reading a lot of Hemingway lately too. For those of you who've never read Hemingway, let me sum it up for you: men are men, women are women, drinking is good, lions are dangerous.
Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
Jay Gatsby, Playa-at-Large.
How would you like to die?
Like Fat Elvis, man. Long live the King!
Postscript: Elmo wants you to tune in for a special blog talk radio show from 10-11pm EST on Tuesday, November 14. Elmo's good friend Kristen will be talking about clueless husbands, feminist parenting, and racy girls toys. Elmo likes girls toys. Elmo uses them all the time!