Chaos Theory (Thanksgiving Edition)

Light posting this week, my friends.  Taking some time off for the holiday week.  I'm also helping out with some guest posts over at The Zero Boss because my buddy Jay hurt his blogging hand and he gets a little bonkers if his site is not updated 20 times/day. 

Anyway, to kick off the holiday week, here's another edition of Chaos Theory...

I "QUIT" SMOKING THE WAY NIXON "QUIT" THE WHITE HOUSE

I'm writing this at 3:00 am because I'm discovering that when you give up smoking, you pretty much give up sleep (not to mention civility and the ability to think in terms beyond the next three minutes.) 

As the old saying goes, "Quitting smoking is easy. I've done it a thousand times."  However, I've actually only tried to quit smoking once before.  But I'm determined to succeed this time because I've got to pass my life insurance physical and, being a frugal tightwad, the financial incentive looms large for me.

The physical craving for nicotine is the obvious symptom of quitting smoking.  However, more than anything, you can't believe the hate.  You hate everything.  The fuzz on your sweater.  The Starbucks barrista who gives you the incorrect change.  The lack of mayonnaise on your sandwich.  The babies on the subway.  Darn babies, they think they're so damn cute!  It's all you can do to ensure that life's little irritations don't make you go completely postal. 

And if I eat one more carrot stick, I'm going to start peeing orange.  Wish me luck.

MY CORE DEMOGRAPHIC IS NEAR-MENOPAUSAL AND LIKES ASIAN MEN

When I was single, my friends were amazed at my constant inability to recognize when women were hitting on me.  Being completely clueless, I always assumed they were just being friendly. 

Anyway, I'm fairly certain that, over the past week, two separate women have tried to mack on me.  The interesting thing is that both women were in their 50's.  One woman was French and a dead ringer for Charlotte Rampling.  The other was American and looked a little like Ellen Barkin. 

The latter told me that I reminded her of Jin on "Lost."  Normally, I'd get offended by this and go into one of my patented "you think we all look alike" rants.  However, I let it slide because I realize that older generations are not fully aware of the changing social dynamics unleashed by political correctness.  Besides, believe it or not, sometimes I think a lot of white people look the same too.  Especially when I see something like this.  Shot of doppelganger, anyone? 

DOES COOKIE MONSTER HAVE POOR BODY IMAGE?

Is it me or is Cookie Monster bulimic?  He gorges himself on cookies in a wild frenzy and then purges himself by throwing up?  Is this some sort of subliminal message from the makers of Sesame Street?  The Peanut loves Cookie Monster but I think it's important that I find her some healthier role models.  Or maybe, as usual, I'm over-analyzing the influence of Sesame Street?  Fuck, someone pass me a carrot stick. 

FUNNY OR NOT FUNNY LARGELY DEPENDS ON YOUR LATITUDE

I was recently in Arkansas meeting with some executives at Wal-Mart and all of the conference rooms around me were filled with people peddling everything from puffy slippers to bible bags to cell phone covers.  As I finished my meeting, I stepped out into the hallway and saw a man holding a tiny infant in each arm.  Without censoring myself, I immediately exclaimed, "Holy cow, it's true!  Wal-Mart really DOES sell everything!  How much are they?" 

Needless to say, nobody gets me in Arkansas. 

STOP STICKING CRAYONS IN YOUR VAGINA!

To be filed under the category "Words That I Thought Would Never Come Out of My Mouth."  The crayons are bath crayons and it seems that almost every time the Peanut is in the tub, she's trying to stick one of them into her vagina.  All kids are this curious, right?

5 WAYS IN WHICH I LIVED LIFE DANGEROUSLY THIS WEEK

1. I touched the poles on the subway with my bare hands.  No Purell or anything!
2. I dropped my toothbrush on the floor but used it anyway.
3. I wore a brown belt with black shoes.
4. I took my daughter out for a 3-hour walk and didn't bring a single diaper.
5. When I parked my car, I took my seat belt off.

MY 5 NEW FAVORITE TELEVISION CHARACTERS

1. Hellen Mirren as Jane Tennison in "Prime Suspect"
2. Tina Fey as Liz Lemon in "30 Rock"
3. Rashida Jones as Karen on "The Office" (are you on Team Karen or Team Pam?)
4. Alec Baldwin as Jack Donaghy in "30 Rock" (n.b. nonsexual man-crush)
5. Yul Kwon as himself on "Survivor"  (Rooting for a brother!) 

LASTLY, ON A MORE SERIOUS NOTE...

As I look around me, I can't help but get the feeling that America seems to be an angry place these days.  We're angry that our streets have never been more dangerous.  We're angry that public schools are failing our children.  We're angry that our so-called leaders are more concerned with partisan mudslinging than solving our country's problems.  But more than anything else, we all seem to be angry with one another.

Look, I get it.  We're a PMS nation built on anger.  Heck, the  very foundations of this country were built with anger.  "What, you're going to tax us without fair representation?  You're going to tell us whom to worship?  You're going to treat us like 2nd-class citizens?  Fuck that, you limey bastards!  We're starting our own country!"

However, we seem to have reached a point where the appropriate response to life's irritations is sheer anger and rage.  Every minor tangle is a potential interpersonal Gulf of Tonkin incident.  Funny looks on the subway result in gunshots.  Incidents on the highway result in road rage.  Innocuous slights by strangers end up in wrathful revenge. 

Now, don't get me wrong.  Everyone feels anger.  I don't ever want to NOT FEEL anger. But, as Dennis Miller once said, the collective mistake we're making is this:  Anger used to be a bass line that we used to merely provide a funky bottom to our cultural zeitgeist.

Anger has now broken out into a shrieking Nugent guitar solo that's drawing a rivulet of blood from all our ears.

So maybe during this holiday week when we get together with all of our weird relatives and stuff our faces, we can turn down the dial on some of that hate and take some time to remember how lucky all of us truly are.  In the grand scheme of things, even the most disgruntled among us is living better than 99% of our fellow inhabitants on the planet.

For better or worse, may we give thanks to all that we do have in our lives.  May we remember to help those around us in need.  And may we remember that health, love and friendship should never be taken for granted.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you and your families!

Love,
MetroDad, BossLady & the Peanut

Comments

[KG]

Kudos on the anger rant, MD! I know soooooooo many people who let their anger rule their lives, and most people around them are thinking about jumping ship...

If you ran for president, I'd vote for you on the "less anger/chill out" platform alone. I think you'd get a lot of votes.

Consider running in 2008, after you quit smoking, of course. Because smokers don't win presidential elections --- only FORMER smokers do.

[Mom101]

I like your serious note. But on my serious note, I'm so proud of you for quitting! I hope that when you come back here next week, you report that it's still going well, even if you are a bit twitchy and overdoing it on Krispy Kremes and junior mints.

Meanwhile, at least Ellen Barkin thought you looked like someone hot. I've been told I look like Celine Dion, and I can't exactly blame it on race confusion.

[Norma]

My father said he quit smoking once, and it was the worst three hours he ever spent.

[Linda]

Hope you had a great Thanksgiving, MD. I like your sentiments about all the hate and anger in the world. Good bit to remember during this holiday season. Thanks.

[Wendy Boucher]

I love Yul on survivor and I'm nearly menopausal (okay, not soooo nearly at 43). Oh my God, MetroDad, I'm your demographic.

[AdventureDad]

Best of luck in quitting smoking, again:-)) I'm with you on the anger. Especially in the US. It's obvious that people are angry and pissed off at something all the time. The "sky is falling" paranoia message from the government doesn't help either. There is a terrorist threat everywhere from the smallest village in Wisconsin to the most insignificant shit-hole in Florida. We will apparently all die any day now since Al Queda has the world cornered.

Hope u had a nice thanksgiving

AD+family

[jared]

Great to hear that you're quitting smoking, MD. The Peanut will thank you for it someday! Good luck.

[karyn]

Crayons.
Wal*Mart.

When I stop laughing, I plan to leave a coherent remark.

First time (but definitely not last) here...

[Arnie]

First of all, I quit smoking every night and if I could only not smoke the first one of the day, I'd have this habit licked! Next, Everytime I come by to spend a little time - your stories completely suck me in - thanks!!

[Cirila]

Like many others I smkoed when I was young but managed to kick the habit before I was totally hooked, I was lucky and suffered no damage to my health. But for a close friend it was different, even though she was only a moderate smoker, her health was being seriously affected and getting worse with time. Now this is where I really sympathize with smokers. She like many smokers knew the dangers and had genuinely tried many different ways to quit smoking. She tried patches, hypnosis and read several books on the subject of quitting, nothing had worked. She always ended back at square one, knowing she needed to quit, but how, nothing had a lasting effect. That was until she tried Smoke Deter.So why am I telling this, because I played a small part in her success. You see I heard about Smoke Deter through my son, his best mate had quit smoking using Smoke Deter and I convinced my friend to try it. She was very skeptical, but I was so concerned about her health that I said that if it didn't work I would pay for it, so she had nothing to lose and that convinced her. That was a year and five months ago, it worked and she is no longer a smoker, she has never has the urge to smoke since she quit using Smoke Deter, that's a fact and it's the only product she tried that she's happy to tell others about.Smoke Deter is an herbal based liquid oral spray that is used 3 times a day, this is also supplemented with herbal pills which when combined is very effective at reducing your nicotine cravings. How quickly it works depends on the extent of your habit, it can work as quickly as 2 weeks or may take 3 months, regardless of the time, your health is worth the effort to kick your smoking habit.It's worth noting that Smoke Deter is safe, natural and has no known side effect and no known drug interactions. It's highly rated on many stop-smoking product review sites, often with genuine testimonials from people that have also kicked the smoking habit using it. So I am not the only one that knows Smoke Deter gets the desired result.Smoke Deter also offers a lifetime free membership support program, so you are never on your own, help is available 24 hours a day if you feel the need, like if your resolve is weakening. There is also a free Stop Smoking Relaxation Audio MP3 available, it might not be for everybody but my friend said it was definitely a help to her, it changed the way she thought about smoking. That's what I like about Smoke Deter it changes your whole attitude to smoking, it works on your mind as well as your body. Unfortunately I've seen the damage smoking has done within my own family and also in my circle of friends, consequently I'm fully aware just how hard it is to stop smoking without some kind of help. I've seen first hand how Smoke Deter helped my friend quit smoking and so it's not surprising she can't say enough about it. So if this article brings Smoke Deter to your attention and as a result helps you kick the smoking habit, then for me writing about it has been worthwhile.So if you've been wondering if these quit smoking products work, well I guess some do and some don't, but one that has my recommendation is Smoke Deter, I've personally seen it work when other methods failed. I'm happy to pass that information on so that others looking for a safe natural way to quit can try Smoke Deter if they wish.If you would like more helpful information on Smoke Deter or other free quit smoking information, you may like to visit the source link below It seems to confirm some of my comments and is dedicated to helping smokers improve their health, fitness and beat the smoking habit.

[Dominique]

well I'm in the same boat as you. I am trying to lose about 40 pundos, and I thought I would quit smoking too, you know get healthy all at once. My experience has been this, but yours might be different: When I quit smoking I started PACKING on the pundos. It's not that I ate more, I was still trying to eat healthy, exercise, etc. but for some reason I just started gaining weight when I quit. I went back to smoking, and I found that a cigarette takes the edge off my hunger, when I'm hungry, I light up. I know it's not good, but I guess I will try to quit again when I'm skinny. Smoking is bad for you, but so is excess weight. It all depends on what is more important to you right now, and for me, losing weight is the most important goal in my life at this moment. So I smoke. And smoking hasn't hurt my endurance any either. (it probably doesn't HELP, but I don't notice that I'm out of breath a lot)