Light posting this week, my friends. Taking some time off for the holiday week. I'm also helping out with some guest posts over at The Zero Boss because my buddy Jay hurt his blogging hand and he gets a little bonkers if his site is not updated 20 times/day.
Anyway, to kick off the holiday week, here's another edition of Chaos Theory...
I "QUIT" SMOKING THE WAY NIXON "QUIT" THE WHITE HOUSE
I'm writing this at 3:00 am because I'm discovering that when you give up smoking, you pretty much give up sleep (not to mention civility and the ability to think in terms beyond the next three minutes.)
As the old saying goes, "Quitting smoking is easy. I've done it a thousand times." However, I've actually only tried to quit smoking once before. But I'm determined to succeed this time because I've got to pass my life insurance physical and, being a frugal tightwad, the financial incentive looms large for me.
The physical craving for nicotine is the obvious symptom of quitting smoking. However, more than anything, you can't believe the hate. You hate everything. The fuzz on your sweater. The Starbucks barrista who gives you the incorrect change. The lack of mayonnaise on your sandwich. The babies on the subway. Darn babies, they think they're so damn cute! It's all you can do to ensure that life's little irritations don't make you go completely postal.
And if I eat one more carrot stick, I'm going to start peeing orange. Wish me luck.
MY CORE DEMOGRAPHIC IS NEAR-MENOPAUSAL AND LIKES ASIAN MEN
When I was single, my friends were amazed at my constant inability to recognize when women were hitting on me. Being completely clueless, I always assumed they were just being friendly.
Anyway, I'm fairly certain that, over the past week, two separate women have tried to mack on me. The interesting thing is that both women were in their 50's. One woman was French and a dead ringer for Charlotte Rampling. The other was American and looked a little like Ellen Barkin.
The latter told me that I reminded her of Jin on "Lost." Normally, I'd get offended by this and go into one of my patented "you think we all look alike" rants. However, I let it slide because I realize that older generations are not fully aware of the changing social dynamics unleashed by political correctness. Besides, believe it or not, sometimes I think a lot of white people look the same too. Especially when I see something like this. Shot of doppelganger, anyone?
DOES COOKIE MONSTER HAVE POOR BODY IMAGE?
Is it me or is Cookie Monster bulimic? He gorges himself on cookies in a wild frenzy and then purges himself by throwing up? Is this some sort of subliminal message from the makers of Sesame Street? The Peanut loves Cookie Monster but I think it's important that I find her some healthier role models. Or maybe, as usual, I'm over-analyzing the influence of Sesame Street? Fuck, someone pass me a carrot stick.
FUNNY OR NOT FUNNY LARGELY DEPENDS ON YOUR LATITUDE
I was recently in Arkansas meeting with some executives at Wal-Mart and all of the conference rooms around me were filled with people peddling everything from puffy slippers to bible bags to cell phone covers. As I finished my meeting, I stepped out into the hallway and saw a man holding a tiny infant in each arm. Without censoring myself, I immediately exclaimed, "Holy cow, it's true! Wal-Mart really DOES sell everything! How much are they?"
Needless to say, nobody gets me in Arkansas.
STOP STICKING CRAYONS IN YOUR VAGINA!
To be filed under the category "Words That I Thought Would Never Come Out of My Mouth." The crayons are bath crayons and it seems that almost every time the Peanut is in the tub, she's trying to stick one of them into her vagina. All kids are this curious, right?
5 WAYS IN WHICH I LIVED LIFE DANGEROUSLY THIS WEEK
1. I touched the poles on the subway with my bare hands. No Purell or anything!
2. I dropped my toothbrush on the floor but used it anyway.
3. I wore a brown belt with black shoes.
4. I took my daughter out for a 3-hour walk and didn't bring a single diaper.
5. When I parked my car, I took my seat belt off.
MY 5 NEW FAVORITE TELEVISION CHARACTERS
1. Hellen Mirren as Jane Tennison in "Prime Suspect"
2. Tina Fey as Liz Lemon in "30 Rock"
3. Rashida Jones as Karen on "The Office" (are you on Team Karen or Team Pam?)
4. Alec Baldwin as Jack Donaghy in "30 Rock" (n.b. nonsexual man-crush)
5. Yul Kwon as himself on "Survivor" (Rooting for a brother!)
LASTLY, ON A MORE SERIOUS NOTE...
As I look around me, I can't help but get the feeling that America seems to be an angry place these days. We're angry that our
streets have never been more dangerous. We're angry that public schools are failing our children. We're angry that our so-called leaders
are more concerned with partisan mudslinging than solving our
country's problems. But more than anything else, we all seem to be angry with one another.
Look, I get it. We're a PMS nation built on anger. Heck, the very foundations of this country were built with anger. "What, you're going to tax us without fair representation? You're going to tell us whom to worship? You're going to treat us like 2nd-class citizens? Fuck that, you limey bastards! We're starting our own country!"
However, we seem to have reached a point where the appropriate response to life's irritations is sheer anger and rage. Every minor tangle is a
potential interpersonal Gulf of Tonkin incident. Funny looks on the subway result in gunshots. Incidents on the highway result in road rage. Innocuous slights by strangers end up in wrathful revenge.
Now, don't get me wrong. Everyone feels anger. I don't ever want to NOT FEEL anger. But, as Dennis Miller once said, the collective mistake we're making is this: Anger used to be a bass line that we used to merely provide a funky bottom to our cultural zeitgeist.
Anger has now broken out into a shrieking Nugent guitar solo that's drawing a rivulet of blood from all our ears.
So maybe during this holiday week when we get together with all of our weird relatives and stuff our faces, we can turn down the dial on some of that hate and take some time to remember how lucky all of us truly are. In the grand scheme of things, even the most disgruntled among us is living better than 99% of our fellow inhabitants on the planet.
For better or worse, may we give thanks to all that we do have in our lives. May we remember to help those around us in need. And may we remember that health, love and friendship should never be taken for granted.
Happy Thanksgiving to all of you and your families!
MetroDad, BossLady & the Peanut