THE MAIN REASON WHY I SOMETIMES SUSPECT THAT I'M NOT THE PEANUT'S REAL FATHER
The drama! Good Lord, THE DRAMA!
As most of you know, I'm a pretty mellow guy who believes that there are very few things in life worth freaking out about. Therefore, I'm willing to give my daughter the benefit of the doubt because she is, after all, only two years old. However, lately, she's been acting very diva-ish, a development that I like to blame on Tyra Banks. (I'm kidding, of course. The kid much prefers watching Jerry Springer.)
But really, in all seriousness, we're at a point where everything with my daughter has to be done in a very particular way and it's rapidly becoming apparent that I have no freaking idea what that way is. Today, she threw a total hissy fit and broke down in tears because I had the gall to put green socks on her feet instead of brown. Bad daddy, bad!
FIVE WAYS IN WHICH MY DAUGHTER IS DEFINITELY RELATED TO ME
1. My stomach and I have a rather tenuous relationship. Maybe it's
from all the scotch and spicy food but my doctor thinks I'm probably
suffering from IBD or colitis (OK, not a REAL doctor. I don't go to those. When I say "doctor," I really mean WebMD.)
As part of my self-diagnosis, I sometimes take fiber pills throughout
the day, a ritual that often leads to periods of flatulence.
Basically, I can get downright farty at times. My daughter, I would
venture to guess, probably farts more than any two-year-old on the
entire planet. Seriously, she blows gas like a bean-eating 75-year-old
lactose-intolerant truck driver. It's completely awesome and I plan on
recording it sometime in the future so I can play it back for her dates
when they come by to pick her up.
2. My beautiful wife good-naturedly chides me for my gift of gab but it's true. For a cynically jaded New Yorker, I'm genuinely interested in other peoples' lives and will often talk to complete strangers for hours. It seems as though my young daughter is becoming quite the conversationalist herself. Unfortunately, she hasn't figured it all out yet. Last week, I caught her having some jovially long-winded discussions with (a) some flowers, (b) the dog, and (c) a sandwich. Let me tell you something, my friends. There are very few things cuter in this world than hearing your daughter cheerfully say, "Hi, sandwich! Sit down! I eat!"
3. One of the reasons I quit smoking pot was because I found myself
developing some strange form of OCD. After each hit, I would
immediately have to go clean my hands and wash my face. I'm noticing a
similar pattern emerge with the Peanut. When she first started feeding
herself, she'd usually finish dinner with her face and body completely
covered in food. Now, she insists on having both her hands and mouth
wiped clean after EACH AND EVERY BITE! If even a single morsel of food
gets on her delicate fingers, she immediately looks at me, holds out
her hand, and says, "WIPE!" It's official. I am now my daughter's
4. Despite my innate and well-documented love of television, I was
one of those annoying parents who never let his child watch a second of
television until she was 18 months old. You know, the whole "studies
have shown..." blah, blah, blah. However, what those studies failed to
show was the fact that a freakish love of television is apparently
embedded in one's DNA. For my daughter, TV was like love at first
sight. Every night after dinner, she turns to the BossLady and says, "TV now, mama? TV
ok?" Which is funny because that's exactly what I say to the BossLady after dinner.
5. Speaking of dinner...my daughter and I both eat food like we're in prison. We crouch over our meals and inhale them as quickly as possible in case some big guy named Ben Dover comes over and shivs us for our applesauce. We sometimes even use our utensils to guard our plates. No way we're giving up our chow to any of our fellow inmates unless we get some cigarettes or prison wine in return!
By the way, did you know that Martha Stewart's prison
name was "M. Diddy?" It's true. I read it in Vanity Fair upon her
release from the big house. My favorite quote from the article was
when she was talking about jail: ""I hate lockdown. It's just hideous." Unfortunately, they didn't have any quotes from M.Diddy about what it was like to be thrown in the hole and peed on. Too bad.
By the way, I just googled the term "prison nicknames" and I found this awesome Prison Bitch Name Generator. Mine's B.F. Goodlick. What's yours?