The Left Coast

I've been in Los Angeles for 24 hours and already I want to run myself over with a car. 

Before my plane even landed at LAX, I'd already met two actors, an actress and a screenwriter.  Now, in New York, we call these people "waiters" but I guess things are different out here.  The guy sitting next to me kept his sunglasses on during the entire flight.  The other guy next to me seemed to be scribbling the next "Citizen Kane" on a cocktail napkin.  And the actress across the aisle spent SIX HOURS reading a SINGLE issue of Nylon magazine. Pshaw!

Sitting quietly with my Sunday NYT crossword, the book review, and Haruki Murakami's latest collection of short stories, I felt like the world's biggest geek.  My corduroy pants, white tube socks, and the cheerios stuck to my collar only solidified the feeling.

Things got worse by the time I got to my hotel.  Little did I know that all the hotels here recruit their staff from the back pages of Variety.  Everyone from the parking valet to the bartender has a SAG card and they all look like extras from Melrose Place.  Who the hell has so much time to be working out and getting in shape like this?  Everyone here looks incredibly attractive and so damn healthy.  Sure, in New York, you see a lot of thin people but that's because most of us are stressed out and living off a diet of vodka martinis, double espressos, and cigarettes!

However, I have to admit that the people here are incredibly nice.  In fact, their niceness practically belies their inherent naivete.  It's a good thing they all live here and not in New York because I don't think many of them could survive in the wild.  During my first 2 hours here, I talked my way into free upgrades on both my rental car and hotel room.  Instead of the Volvo I'd rented, I'm now driving a gold-colored Jaguar convertible (which, as my LA friend Greg will attest, makes me feel like an 80-year old Jew from Miami.)  And instead of my standard hotel room, I am now writing this from my enormous hotel suite that has 4 rooms and 3 televisions! This would NEVER happen in New York!  However, niceness has its limits.

Two days ago, BossLady and I went to our neighborhood diner in New York.  We were greeted by a surly Greek waiter who practically threw the menus at us while he yelled in Spanish at the Dominican busboys.  I ordered the steak, egg and potato special where the cooks throw everything in a greasy pan and fry the shit out of it.  When the smoke detector goes off, that's how they know it's done.

This morning in LA, I walked over to a local diner and ordered a plain omelet.  Something must have been lost in translation because when my food came, the plate was covered in alfalfa sprouts, avocado, and tomatoes.  When I brought this up with my waiter, all he could say was, "Dude, I totally know what you mean.  I am SO allergic to avocado.  Last time I ate one, I had to lie down for 6 whole hours!"  What the fuck, Spicoli?  Did I ask you about your fucking allergens?  It's 7:00 am.  I'm jet lagged and hung over.  Do I look like I even want to have a conversation with you?

New Yorkers are a tough bunch.  Having lived there most of my life, I'm used to the directness and coarse realities of human discourse.  Conversations are quick, straight, and on-point.  Here, I always feel like I have to make circuitous small talk just to make it through a meal.  ("Good morning!"  "Good morning." "How are you?" "Fine. You?" "Just peachy!"  "Great." "Nice weather we're having." "Yeah, I guess." "Is there something I can help you with today?" "Yeah, how about a fucking plain omelet?")

What's the running joke?   That the only difference between the two cities is that in LA they say "have a nice day," and they mean "fuck you."  In NY they say "fuck you," and they mean "have a nice day."

Don't get me wrong.  I love visiting Los Angeles.  When I lived in Berkeley, I'd often jump in my car and drive down south to see friends for the weekend.  When BossLady and I were dating long-distance, I found myself flying here almost every other week and loved exploring the city as a pseudo-resident.

Strip away the supericiality, get rid of most of the people, and there are a lot of truly great things that I love about L.A.  I love going to old cinema houses like the Nuart and watching old movies.  I love the great diversity of ethnic food available.  I love hiking in Griffith Park, walking on the beach in Malibu, seeing concerts at the Hollywood Bowl, eating late-night soon do-bu at BCD Tofu House, driving up to Topanga Canyon, going to karaoke in K-Town, hanging out at the LA Zoo, or spending the entire day at the La Brea tar pits.  And need I mention the weather?  There's a part of me that loves the year-round "75 degrees and sunny" lifestyle. 

But I don't think I could ever live here in Los Angeles.  Personally, 36 hours is the perfect amount of time here.  For me, the city lacks a heart and feels so centerless.  They have lousy public transportation, a river with no fish, and enough smog to choke a horse.  You can't get a decent slice of pizza here, you actually have to buy water at restaurants, and if I have to spend one more minute in the car, I'm going to kill myself. Everyone is entirely too optimistic and cheery, and they all make me feel incredibly unhealthy. 

Besides, I left my sunglasses at home, a tragic faux pas that not only has me feeling completely naked but is also conjuring up old childhood nightmares where I showed up to the prom wearing only a jock strap and a catcher's mask.

I leave tomorrow morning for Colorado.  Anyone know where I can get a decent omelet?

Apologies to all my L.A. blogger friends (Melissa, Rebecca, Marsha, Laura, Charlie & Nina, Amy, Weigook Saram, Tim, Sandy, Tony and everyone else.)  Wish I had more time in LA so we could meet up for some Soy Iced Chai Lattes (or whatever it is that you people drink out here.)  Perhaps next time? 

Comments

[L. Lee]

BCD Tofu House rules! Definitely one of the highlights of being in LA. I live in Ohio and can't get any decent Korean food. When I go to LA, I eat at BCD every day. Rocks!

[Jenny]

BossLady nailed it perfectly. As a transplanted New Yorker living in LA, I hated it here for the first 6 months. Now, I love it! You just need to find the cooler underbelly of LA, away from the Hollywood BS. I can't imagine living anywhere else now.

[Denver Daddy]

LePeep in Denver rocks the old-school omelet. Check it out.

[creative-type dad]

First of all welcome to L.A. Thanks for the email..?

As for extras from Melrose Place. They probably were and are still looking for work.

I like living out here, all the things you said, I feel the same way about NY - great place to visit, but I can't ever imagine living there. But that's OK. I wouldn't want everywhere to be like L.A. That would suck. And I wouldn't have anywhere to escape.

[sweatpantsmom]

What's with all the hatin, MD? I'm with Krista, that your post has me a little on edge. There seems to be a lot of LA bashing going on in the blogosphere lately, and I think most of it is built on stereotypes and prejudices. For the record, there are a few of us that actually know who Murakami is (yes, we can READ), don't make a living scootin our asses around to auditions and base our happiness on more than a row of white teeth and a big rack.

Okay, our governor's an idiot, but what state doesn't have a lapse in judgement every once in awhile?

But what I want to know is - who the hell orders a plain omelet?

(Note to BossLady: Girl, call me when you're in town!)

[L.]

We lived in LA for four and a half years, on Hub`s last overseas posting from 1994-1998. Our two older kids were born there, and...well, LA was the only city I`ve ever lived where I had trouble making friends -- even with other moms.

How desperate was I? I finally joined a free Christian mothers` group. (And if you knew me, you`d know that`s pretty desperate.)

Everyone kept saying to me, "You`re not going to want to move back to crowded, expensive Tokyo after living HERE!"

But I was indeed really happy to move back to crowded, expensive Tokyo.

It had its charms, there are some things I miss about it, but it was time to leave.

[kmkat]

A fellow midwesterner nailed the NYC-LA difference for me many years ago: "NYC is as insance as LA, just vertical."

I've spent far more time in NYC than in LA (actually, I've never gotten out of the car in LA, just driven through), and I prefer the Right Coast public transport/ rawness/ ethnicity/ reality.

[Glennia]

I'm with BossLady on the food...You cannot get good Mexican food in NY, unless your mom is Mexican and knows how to cook. Enjoy the rest of your trip!

[Indy five hundy]

How's this for a change? I think LA and NY both suck! I've visited both places quite a bit and I have to say that there is nothing like the midwest. Friendliest people in the country.

[Mike]

Le Peep is kinda gross. Go to Benny's for the breakfast burrito. Or Incredible Egg in Cherry Creek North.

The Midwest is....well, I'm glad I live in Chicago.

[R2Dad]

Coming from SF, I could rant about the Rams of the 70s, the Dodgers of the 80s, the smog, etc etc but this is my favorite only-in-LA story.
I just joined up with a firm out of Carson and I'm down there for a week of training. At the end of the first day, my VP sales asks me, "so, what are you doing at 6 tomorrow morning?".
"Sleeping, of course", I say, in a tone that tells him doing anything else would be lunacy. He says, "No, your surfing with the sales team. Manhattan, 6am. be there". I did/tried--it was a hoot, and my VP sales, pushing 50, was out there shredding it up along with a half dozen guys from our sales team. Can you imagine a 50 year old East Coastie doin that? Only in LA, man.

[Melissa]

Actually MD, screw the omlet, you already had one. If you're still in Denver go to Maria Elenas on 10th and Wadsworth and have huevos racheros. I promise you won't be sad then.

And I'll forgive you on the LA thing, but only cause we're friends. But really, I think BossLady and I could have a blast.

Also, heard you walked (flew) into a snowstorm, hope you get out okay.

[sandy]

You're lucky we didn't know you were in town. The boys and I would have taken you for a ride, Training Day style. Man up, metro! Man up!

[honglien123]

An apology to DISL and and Weigook, and friggit...all the other people in SoCal that I work/play with; sometimes my comments doth generalize way too much. Smack me. However, you guys down south gotta admit, there is alway some truth to the bad stereotypes. My little sister went to UCSB and law school down there and came back a bit too into her looks and what brands she was wearin'. And she's not the only one this has happened to, hence my disgust with the LA culture (is it like that in the SF Bay Area? In some places maybe but not so much. we don't try to dress casual, we just are!) But yeah, my best gay friend lives in Long Beach and my best college friend lives in Woodland Hills so call me cold but you guys have to admit, there are more than a few things wrong with Southern Cal. =/

PS I hate that people when they think of California, they automatically think of the LA/beach/Hollywood culture. Whatever I might think of Southern Cal, I love this state and the fact that there ARE regional differences here.

[BossLady]

I'm back again! (This is kinda fun!) Honglien is right; of course there is some truth to the bad stereotypes of SoCal. But, that can be said about anyone, anything, and any place. Despite the fact that I am a NYer through and through, I'm going to even the score here a little by listing the things I hate about NY: 1) most public spaces smell like piss; 2) people are down right rude mother fuckers; 3) NYers may not appear "fake" but they can come across as pretentious, materialistic, status-conscious snobs; 4) the public transportation system is great but NOT when you're packed in like sardines, surrounded by people with BO; 5) everything is at least 25% more expensive here than anywhere else in the country - even for a 6-pack of Diet Coke; 6) shitty, dirty, slushy snow that forces you to wear the ugliest, snow boots so that the salt won't ruin your pretty shoes; 7) cobblestone streets are a quaint, picturesque idea but they are murder on high heels and suicide in the snow; 8) the closest place to snowboard is a little tiny hill called Hunter "Mountain" (can anyone say, "ICE"?); 9) Manhattan island is no longer a melting pot. It's become a concentration of the pompous and the pretentious; 10) Finally, and this is the most important, NO REAL MEXICAN FOOD. My kingdom for a real carne asada burrito!

With that said, NY is great. SoCal is great. And everything in between sucks! ;) (kidding.)

GO METS!!!!

[landismom]

Can't help you with an omelet recommendation, but if you've got an hour or so to kill in Denver, make sure you get to the Tattered Cover Bookstore. It's in a converted movie theatre. And the selection? Rocks. The. House.

[Kimberly]

Yeah I am an east coast gal but have been living out here in los angeles area for 14 +years. Los angeles is funny alot of people that are natives are not like what people think Los angeles is(they are very cool), and I have to agree with a previous poster it is difficult to make friends, at least long term friends. I have even joined a moms club, and made nice aquaintances. But I am stuck here bc of my husbands job. I have given up, I think the weather SUCKS!! I mean for fuck's sake it's almost 85 today in October, that is lame my friends, of course I live in the valley so that could be part of the problem. But you know we had a tease of fall weather and now the heat is on!! SUCKAGE!!!! Anyway one nice thing I am going to Disneyland with my son bc I have a season pass!! Again where is the adult interaction in that shit!! OH I am not making sense. I would move back east in a heartbeat if I could, winters and all. Let's not forget earthquakes!! Seattle on the other hand is a pretty bitchin city, ok done rambling

[jen]

ha...perfect. after 25 years of LA i finally gave it up and moved north. you hit it spot on.

[Vancouver Rocks!]

You Americans with your regional disputes. Canada rules!

[Nina]

Gawd, this is so fun.

All I have to say is I'm rooting for the Mets, just for your sake. See, I'm not mad MD.

[Brent]

Nice win tonight, MD. Go Mets. I'm pulling for you! (At least the Dodgers didn't make it!)

[Rich B.]

Dude, no other NY'er could break down a visit to LA like you. Although I do have a soft spot for the city of Angels, I'm with you. Love visiting. Could NEVER live there.

[Mike]

LA is still so much the Devil. THE DEVIL!!

The trains in Chicago smelle like urine too. Especially the Red and Blue lines, but not he Burberry Express (Brown line) which shuttles pretentious yuppies from their jobs in the city to their hip neighborhoods. I live in the hip neighborhood, where I am the scariest minority on the block. So it's pretty safe.

And Canada? You guys are just Northern Mexico, with out the good food, cultural contributions, and necessary undocumented workers to do all of the jobs us snobby Americans refuse to do. Well, that;s a bit harsh...thank you Canada for Alan Thicke, and Grace Park.

[Liberal Banana]

How the hell did you talk your way into getting upgrades like that?!? Please share. I have never rented anything spiffier than a Ford-frickin-Taurus. *sigh*

Have you heard of or read anything by Aaron Karo? He's a comedian who moved from NYC to LA in the past year or so to further his career. His observations on the differences between the two cities are pretty funny, too. (Here's a link.)

[Krista]

Hey Vancouver Rocks! It seems to me that there's a certain Canadian province that starts with Q and kinda rhymes with Tibet who wants to become their own country...

(I love Canada, my mother is Canadian! I just thought I'd mention that we're not the only ones with such disputes.)

[CroutonBoy]

6th inning

2 outs

bases loaded

score 1-1

Go Mets

[honglien123]

So sorry for your loss. My condolences.

[AdventureDad]

I earn nice money but you could quadruple it and I still wouldn't even go close to LA even if you threw in a house in my package. Perhaps I would enjoy it for a day or two like you but then I would go mental and want to kill teh whole city. Thanks God they live on the coast so far from the rest of the world.

Have a nice weekend

AD

[L.A. Daddy]

Bummer! We'll hook up next time, MD.

I'll show you the wilds of L.A.

Have a nice day!

[Henri]

No fucking comment

[L.A. Daddy]

Ya know, I've been thinking about this. I'm a transplant from Ohio and have been in LA for 12 years now. True, there are a lot of dumb Californians. But guess what - this is still the state that has highest restrictions on auto emmissions than any other state (automakers keep trying to get the Fed to suu California.) There are more hybrid cars and solar homes and green construction than anywhere else on the planet. And, the majority of people here were NEVER happy about the Iraq war (back when it was "popular" with the rednecks, err -- red states.) Maybe not so dumb after all...

And BossLady is right - food is better here than anywhere else. Except pizza. Pizza sucks.

[honglien123]

Zachary's will always will be a beacon of light and hope for California pizza lovers.

[themikestand]

I just burned my nostrils with hot coffee. And it's all your fault.

[ktb]

I'm a big fan of Haruki Murakami's stuff.

[debt relief]

i hate LA it is the worst city ever