The Left Coast

I've been in Los Angeles for 24 hours and already I want to run myself over with a car. 

Before my plane even landed at LAX, I'd already met two actors, an actress and a screenwriter.  Now, in New York, we call these people "waiters" but I guess things are different out here.  The guy sitting next to me kept his sunglasses on during the entire flight.  The other guy next to me seemed to be scribbling the next "Citizen Kane" on a cocktail napkin.  And the actress across the aisle spent SIX HOURS reading a SINGLE issue of Nylon magazine. Pshaw!

Sitting quietly with my Sunday NYT crossword, the book review, and Haruki Murakami's latest collection of short stories, I felt like the world's biggest geek.  My corduroy pants, white tube socks, and the cheerios stuck to my collar only solidified the feeling.

Things got worse by the time I got to my hotel.  Little did I know that all the hotels here recruit their staff from the back pages of Variety.  Everyone from the parking valet to the bartender has a SAG card and they all look like extras from Melrose Place.  Who the hell has so much time to be working out and getting in shape like this?  Everyone here looks incredibly attractive and so damn healthy.  Sure, in New York, you see a lot of thin people but that's because most of us are stressed out and living off a diet of vodka martinis, double espressos, and cigarettes!

However, I have to admit that the people here are incredibly nice.  In fact, their niceness practically belies their inherent naivete.  It's a good thing they all live here and not in New York because I don't think many of them could survive in the wild.  During my first 2 hours here, I talked my way into free upgrades on both my rental car and hotel room.  Instead of the Volvo I'd rented, I'm now driving a gold-colored Jaguar convertible (which, as my LA friend Greg will attest, makes me feel like an 80-year old Jew from Miami.)  And instead of my standard hotel room, I am now writing this from my enormous hotel suite that has 4 rooms and 3 televisions! This would NEVER happen in New York!  However, niceness has its limits.

Two days ago, BossLady and I went to our neighborhood diner in New York.  We were greeted by a surly Greek waiter who practically threw the menus at us while he yelled in Spanish at the Dominican busboys.  I ordered the steak, egg and potato special where the cooks throw everything in a greasy pan and fry the shit out of it.  When the smoke detector goes off, that's how they know it's done.

This morning in LA, I walked over to a local diner and ordered a plain omelet.  Something must have been lost in translation because when my food came, the plate was covered in alfalfa sprouts, avocado, and tomatoes.  When I brought this up with my waiter, all he could say was, "Dude, I totally know what you mean.  I am SO allergic to avocado.  Last time I ate one, I had to lie down for 6 whole hours!"  What the fuck, Spicoli?  Did I ask you about your fucking allergens?  It's 7:00 am.  I'm jet lagged and hung over.  Do I look like I even want to have a conversation with you?

New Yorkers are a tough bunch.  Having lived there most of my life, I'm used to the directness and coarse realities of human discourse.  Conversations are quick, straight, and on-point.  Here, I always feel like I have to make circuitous small talk just to make it through a meal.  ("Good morning!"  "Good morning." "How are you?" "Fine. You?" "Just peachy!"  "Great." "Nice weather we're having." "Yeah, I guess." "Is there something I can help you with today?" "Yeah, how about a fucking plain omelet?")

What's the running joke?   That the only difference between the two cities is that in LA they say "have a nice day," and they mean "fuck you."  In NY they say "fuck you," and they mean "have a nice day."

Don't get me wrong.  I love visiting Los Angeles.  When I lived in Berkeley, I'd often jump in my car and drive down south to see friends for the weekend.  When BossLady and I were dating long-distance, I found myself flying here almost every other week and loved exploring the city as a pseudo-resident.

Strip away the supericiality, get rid of most of the people, and there are a lot of truly great things that I love about L.A.  I love going to old cinema houses like the Nuart and watching old movies.  I love the great diversity of ethnic food available.  I love hiking in Griffith Park, walking on the beach in Malibu, seeing concerts at the Hollywood Bowl, eating late-night soon do-bu at BCD Tofu House, driving up to Topanga Canyon, going to karaoke in K-Town, hanging out at the LA Zoo, or spending the entire day at the La Brea tar pits.  And need I mention the weather?  There's a part of me that loves the year-round "75 degrees and sunny" lifestyle. 

But I don't think I could ever live here in Los Angeles.  Personally, 36 hours is the perfect amount of time here.  For me, the city lacks a heart and feels so centerless.  They have lousy public transportation, a river with no fish, and enough smog to choke a horse.  You can't get a decent slice of pizza here, you actually have to buy water at restaurants, and if I have to spend one more minute in the car, I'm going to kill myself. Everyone is entirely too optimistic and cheery, and they all make me feel incredibly unhealthy. 

Besides, I left my sunglasses at home, a tragic faux pas that not only has me feeling completely naked but is also conjuring up old childhood nightmares where I showed up to the prom wearing only a jock strap and a catcher's mask.

I leave tomorrow morning for Colorado.  Anyone know where I can get a decent omelet?

Apologies to all my L.A. blogger friends (Melissa, Rebecca, Marsha, Laura, Charlie & Nina, Amy, Weigook Saram, Tim, Sandy, Tony and everyone else.)  Wish I had more time in LA so we could meet up for some Soy Iced Chai Lattes (or whatever it is that you people drink out here.)  Perhaps next time? 

Comments

[Matthew]

Dude,

What's it gonna take for you to come to SD?

I promise, I'll buy the water.

[Leora]

For some reason, I can't picture you in LA at all. However, I do think it would make for a very good sitcom!

[MetroDude]

Rant all you want but you know the moment a hot girl smiles at you tomorrow morning on the 405 in your rented Gold Jag convertible you will temporarily overlook the transparency of this vapid wasteland and realize that looking good is also ok, at least once in a while - just don't forget to get a good pair of sunglasses. No one around here leaves home without them.

Oh, yeah, and while ranting about LA, I have 2 words for you: Brooke Burke.

I think she smiled at you too. Nuff said. Peace, MD. Come back to visit soon.

[Matt]

Where, Denver? That is my neck of the woods. Enjoy.

Sorry, I can't help you with the omelet. Although, if you are missing changing the peanut's diapers, we still serve em' up fresh here every couple hours. So let me know.

[David]

In a couple of weeks I'm heading that way too for eight whole days. Yes I'm looking forward to it as well, but hey it's weird. My hotel sounds like yours: they wouldn't accept my booking if they knew I had touches of grey and don't jog. And you can't order toast for breakfast without trying to figure out which of eight different kinds of bread you'd prefer, none of which taste of anything. I need some insider tips to figure out what the lifestyle is really about.

[Waya]

Wow, you've been travelling as much as my hubbie. My family calls him "a man of mystery" b/c they think he works for some secret society with all his travelling. Either that or he's meeting his "ladies" at these places.

Enjoy Colorado, I hope you packed your snowsuit.

[V]

Ahh...there's nothing like a NYer's rant about LA to brighten my early morning.

[zygote daddy]

You know, as a San Franciscan I wear as a badge of honor the fact that I have never stepped foot in LA. But what's not to love about avocados? :)

[Chris]

I'm not sure I'd survive in LA but I could be wrong. I think I'm more NYC than LA.

[William]

I was in LA about 9 years ago working on a student film and I never saw anything but a studio. I would like to go back just to see what it is all about.

[misfithausfrau]

I'm trying to envision you driving a Jag while wearing white tube socks. Not buying it. My husband is the anti-metro (with regard to fashion) and even HE wouldn't do that. BTW--do they have hashbrowns and toast there?

[Papa Bradstein]

I can't stand the smog either, and you wouldn't have to buy the water if those 7 million (or more, by now) people you hate didn't live in a desert (see also: Chinatown, with Jack Nicholson), but I can't really get behind the love of the "coarse realities of human discourse." Those are the realities if you live in NYC, but if you live somewhere else (in what we left-coasters refer to as "reality based reality"), there are different realities, like hikes in the woods rather than visits to the doctor for hypertension and bleeding ulcers, and even, god forbid, pleasant conversations with people we've just met. It's almost enough to make the world a pleasant place to live.

[Jonathon]

I spent 2 days in L.A. once.

Once.

[weigooksaram]

Yeah, I have a love/ hate relationship with Southern California. But we are here, so I try to find things to like.

[Chad]

MD,

Two spots here in the Mile High City that rock the casbah when its time for an omelet. Both are here downtown. One, Denver Diner on Colfax (granted, I think I've only eaten there between the hours of 12 & 4 a.m., so be forewarned); and Sam's No. 3, on the corner of 15th & Curtis.

Hope this helps.

Chad

[abba-daddy]

can't wait to see wait you are going to say about Israel when one day (and you will) you'll get - the people are angry, stressed, kind, in your biz, worm and the woman are amazing.

[BossLady]

I LOVE LA!!! Where else in the world are you going to be 45 minutes from the beach AND 45 minutes from the mountains where you can snowboard without a jacket? Where else in the world are you going to find the best Korean food on Earth? Yes, better than New York and even better than Seoul. And what about Mexican food?! You can't tell me that there's real Mexican food in NY. I miss LA. Bring back a churro for me please. xoSK

[BossLady]

Bring back some horchata as well! Yummy!

[Mike]

AS a Denver semi-native, I can help you.

Where are you going to be? In Denver or the mountains?

Do you want a normal omelete or a great Denver/Mexican omelete or breakfast burrito?

[honglien123]

Dude, I so hate LA in general, there's something about the people there that seems so...soo...phony. Like you say, strip away all the people and it's not so bad, but give me the Bay Area. Although, I must agree with BossLady, some great food to be had in SoCal.

[Mike]

LA is the Devil by the way.

[Brianna]

Huh. Well, if Haruki Murakami and the book review makes you a dork...I'll have to join you.

As an east coaster as well, I have never seen the whole draw of LA. I'd much rather run up to Boston and drink a Guiness in the window of the Green Dragon, my favorite bar, as the snow falls on the cobblestones outside the window. ::sigh:: There's something to be said for seasons. : )

[Jenn]

I can only last 24 hours in LA before going crazy. You think they're nice there? Wait until you come to Idaho, it takes 15 minutes to order an omelet.

[momto3cubs]

Never been to LA, but that's just how I pictured it. You don't belong there - you're 100% NYC.

If you think people in LA are chatty and nice, you are going to love Colorado, LOL.

[KC]

So was the prom dream a good dream or a bad dream?

[Xdm]

Last time I was out there my friend saud, "Dude! Could you look MORE east coast?" Apparently it was my black slacks and black turtleneck which were bloody hot! I bought

this

on the fly.

[How About Two?]

Does the BossLady get upset when you get to go to LA and she doesn't?

P.Pie used to, until she figured out that LA sux and it's actually a punishment to have to go.

For omelettes, go to Sunrise, Sunset on 38th near Wadsworth in NW Denver. Sams on Curtis is also good.

[Anne Glamore]

I think I'm heading to LA in the next month or so, and I can't figure out what to pack. But I HAVE made an appt to bleach my teeth so I figure I'm ahead of the game.

[Melissa]

Dude here the actors are all temps or waiters. But mostly temps. I wish we'd had the chance to have coffee, but now that I see you are bad mouthing my city, I don't know if we can still be friends. You got an upgraded room because LA people are so used to New Yorkers being rude that they were shocked you were so polite and they were nice. ;) I promise you, you couldn't pay me to drink a Soy Chai Latte.

BossLady, you rock. If you are ever in LA, we could so have coffee.

Misfithausfrau, Of course you can get hashbrowns and toast here. You people are killing me.

[Nina]

Ah, so sad to miss you. Seriously, next time!

Although, I think I'm going to have to shun you for BossLady...we'll just stuff our faces with good food while you complain about the waiter being too nice. Ha!

I've been hearing a lot of "outside" perspectives on LA lately. I'm taking a class through UCLA extension and 95% of the class are not native Angelenos, and I'm hearing the "LA is so superficial" refrain over and over.

Maybe it's because I grew up here, but sorry, is it really any more superficial than any other place? I'm probably just biased huh? But honestly, I don't know who most people hang out with, but when my friends come over for dinner our conversations don't hover around celebrities and reality TV and who just got botox.

I love this city. I know New Yorkers are supposed to be the ones who have the copyright on loving their city to death, but I really do love LA.

And I never buy water in restaurants. The only people I know who do are Charlie's aunt and uncle who like bubbly water. =) We do buy arrowhead for the house though.

I've never been to NY so I can speak for the pizza quality here (I'm sure I don't even know what I'm missing), but there's a place in Venice on Abbot Kinney that has the most amazing pizza. I wish I could remember the name of the place...still, it's LA - half the pizzas are of the vegan variety. =P

Okay, I'm done refuting all the haters. =P You're right about the sunglasses though. What were you thinking? =P

[shiso mama]

When I lived in New York, I knew an actor (waiter) who had lived in LA for years, and said that it was the most depressing place he'd ever lived. It wasn't the constant rejection or the beautiful people, it was the relentlessly sunny weather.

[madmom]

If you're in Denver check out the Delectable Egg at 16th & Market.

If you're a bit further West (my nabe), then the Lucile's on 14th & Spruce or Le Peep on Canyon are both excellent choices!

And, forget the sunglasses! Bring your skis -- the snow is falling like crazy right now with more expected tomorrow.

[Leeny]

I've been to LA (didn't like it) but I would like to visit NY sometime. As far as a place to live, I'm keeping my butt in Texas!

[BossLady]

Okay, I'm back. I just have to chime in and say I know LA is a place people love to hate. And I too HATED LA when I first moved there. But after 6 months, I was a convert. Still love New York but now, I love LA too. Folks, it's really about what you make of the environment. I can focus on the countless pairs of fake tatas but I'd much rather focus on a quick drive to get a snowboarding fix and the best Korean, Mexican, Thai, and Japanese food I ever had. NY has bagels and pizza. But they don't have real real real Mexican! :P

[Krista]

You're witty as usual, MD, but I'm feeling a little bit on edge about your post. I can't stand LA either, the only good thing about it is some of hubby's reletives live there. But for some strange reason I feel like you were attacking the whole West Coast... I'm just sensitive. :)

(I live in Portland, OR where we try to find the meaning of life in the bottom of a 24oz mocha while reading liberal newspapers and driving bio fuel cars. All at the same time!)

[GIRL'S GONE CHILD]

DUDE! ARE YOU STEPPING TO ME?

Psh. Yeah... You talk shit and then you leave. Psh. Psh. Psh.

Drive your gold convertable and hate all you want, dude.

Have a nice day! No, seriously, have a nice day...

Psh, whateva haters. Now, if you'll please excuse me, I have an US Weekly AND a Life&Style to read before Archer's up from nap...

[GIRL'S GONE CHILD]

*convertible

Christ. I am from L.A.

[nonlineargirl]

Born in NYC, raised mostly in LA - I walk (fast) like a New Yorker, am friendly to strangers like an Angelino. (Or an Oregonian, 'cause if you think people in LA are to friendly, you should see what it is like up here.)

[MetroDude]

A great schism is forming. Even the BossLady is joining, appropriately so, in the defense of the City of Angels.

This may mark the first time I can recall a fervent backlash against an MD rant.

Bottom line: LA is great. You just got a shitty omlette. Happens in NY too.

[Fiona]

"What the fuck, Spicoli?" Oh my gosh, I nearly choked to death with laughter at that! You rock so hard, dude.

Fayetteville, AR, then LA, then Colorado? What yu up to?

And speaking of health, CO is among the healthiest states in the US (all that walking)... brace yo'self. And have fun :)

[Amy]

Ah, all you haters just stay away. I grew up on the East Coast so I know all about those seasons, and let me tell you something: 75 degrees and sunny, every day? Beats seasons, hands down. Especially when you can just fly to Vermont in OCtober and Colorado in January.
I'm with BOssLady--you get out what you give in. Think of all the people from the Midwest or wherever that hate NY. If they'd just give it a chance, they'd probably love it.
Next time you're in town, MD, let's hang out together.

Oh. But the pizza here totally sucks.

[MiM]

Dude, you need to email me. You're in Los Angeles??? And you haven't emailed me??? WTF?? WTF???

WTF?

[MiM]

I just finished reading your post.

You're forgiven.

[Pecos bluee]

Ja really make me laugh. Been to both coast now live in the middle ...looking forward to your thoughts on CO.

[Kristen]

I've only been to CA once in my life, and that was two months ago, on business, to San Francisco. I didn't have enough time to do much sightseeing or even consider meeting up with blogger friends (though I tried, I really did)... sigh. Bet you'll be glad to get home!

[Carol]

You grew up in Berkeley? Me too. On Tunnel Road, across the street from the Clarement. In the 60's. Mom was a prof at Cal. Brother was arrested for building People's Park. It took till I went away to college (UCSB) to realize that Berkeley is NOT typical of the rest of the world. My daughter just graduated from Cal, but because we made the crazy move of relocating to Seattle, we paid out-of-state tuition. I'm writing this from the soup kitchen... (OK, not really. But we have three more to put through school and NO WAY can they go to Cal!)

Great post, as usual!

Carol

[rwc]

Go up to Boulder, take a walk on Pearl Street. There are a few good restaurants and it will take you back to your days in Berkeley.

[daddy in a strange land]

Dude, first you trash the city of my birth and then all I get is an "and everybody else" in your list of LA blogger friends?

Nina, I got your back. MD, c'mon, if there is anything "real" about a place to be found, LA, NY, whatever, I'm quite sure it isn't gonna be found gonna be found in a fancy hotel or wherever else high-powered businesspeople hang out.

Though I'm currently in exile in Bakersfield, next time I'd gladly come down to show you MY Los Angeles, the multiculti, working-to-middle-class, went-to-public-school, not-synonymous-with-"Hollywood", "yes-I-actually-live-in-LA-LA-not-a-frickin'-suburb" city I was born and raised in.

;)

And Honglien? "Strip away the people..."? Damn, that's just cold! :)

[KG]

Funny about the perfect weather. My bros used to live in Cali (northern), and the lack of seasons was disorienting... they both eventually moved Right.

Ever thought about writing a travel guide from a New Yorker's perspective? Because if you think So. Cal. is friendly, I do believe Colorado is about to give you some more material.

[Kerri]

let me just introduce myself. been a fan for months, but never found the time to comment. I'm an LA native, schooled in boston and currently living in ny (for 10 yrs now)...and i have to say, nothing compares to nyc. i believe that we live amongst the most intelligent, aggressive and creative people in the world. there is constant input and excitement. what's not to love. but, you know, there is something to be said for the ocean and the great weather. and if you had to wear shorts and tank tops every day, you'd make fitness a priority too. life is just easier there. it's breezier. and it's really too bad that the people are so dumb. but, if you spent half your life in your car, you'd be in la la land too!
Don't bash LA just yet though. Just think, maybe someday you will want to take a break from the rat race, sit in your house on the beach, with your chips and pico de gallo, drinking marggies all day, without a thought in your head. The next time you're in LA, drive up the coast to SB. Now, that's perfection. You've got the weather, great restaurants, the ocean, the people have some sass and I promise you, the omelets are fantastic!