In many ways, I sometimes feel that BossLady and I are wholly unqualified to be parents.
Not in any of the BIG or IMPORTANT ways. When it comes to raising our child to be a thoughtful, caring, intelligent and productive member of society, I'm fairly confident that we're just as capable as most other people. At the very least, we seem to be at least as capable as the parents on the local news!
It’s just that BossLady and I are both a little silly and goofy. For example, the other day, we were lying romantically in bed when BossLady turned to me and said, “let’s play a game. You try to touch my face with your tongue as lightly as humanly possible. Then, I’ll do the same to you.”
With great earnestness, I mustered up all my physical skills to touch her nose with what I was convinced was probably the lightest touch in the history of mankind, a touch barely perceptible to the human eye and recordable only by a finely-calibrated tongue sensometer developed by the finest scientists in all of Switzerland. If I had touched any lighter, I’m convinced I would have been splitting atoms.
Brimming with confidence, I then turned to the BossLady and said, “Ha! Try to top THAT!” Smugly secure in my imminent victory, I leaned my head back on the pillow, closed my eyes, and proffered my nose for her attempt.
BossLady then proceeded to lick MY ENTIRE FACE with her slobbering tongue and yelled, “Ha! I LOSE!”
We play these kinds of stupid games a lot.
One time, we decided to produce our own two-person play on the subway. It was late at night and there were only a few passengers on our train so we decided to sit apart from one another and pretend that we were two strangers making a spontaneous love connection. During the train ride, I became The World’s Greatest Lover, a man capable of introducing myself to a woman, chatting her up briefly, start making out with her, and convince her to get off the train and come home with me…all in the span of 5 minutes!
We also like to speak in fake foreign accents when we’re abroad (or in the South.) We love eating foods that require no utensils. We like to fake-invent new variations of alarm clocks (like the scent-emitting, vibrating-pillow coffee clock. Don’t even THINK about stealing that shit, yo!) We sometimes go to karaoke bars and sing TV theme songs. And we like making up our own children’s stories based on fast food chains (“Once upon a time, there was a King of All Burgers who fell madly in love with a beautiful princess from the Castle of White.”)
So yeah, I guess we’re definitely not the Asian version of Stepford parents. However, we prefer to use the term "offbeat."
Since the Peanut is so young right now, she just thinks we’re fun parents who love showing her the food in our mouths while eating, walking down the street loudly singing “Wheels on the Bus,” and sitting on the floor together while putting Elmo stickers all over our naked bodies.
But what if the Peanut grows up to be a stoically serious kid who thinks we’re complete idiots? Maybe silliness skips a generation! Sure, we’re fun NOW but I can easily envision a not-too-distant future where we’re just plain embarrassing! Will she be reluctant to introduce us to her friends? Will she blatantly avoid telling us about school functions? There’s a small part of me that would be absolutely crushed to learn that my own daughter was completely embarrassed by her ridiculously goofy parents.
However, there’s another part of me that thinks it would just be awesome!
By the way, I am currently writing this post from Fayetteville, Arkansas. It's a good thing Ptolemy never lived here because otherwise we'd all still be convinced that the earth was flat (Lucretius lives!) Just out of curiosity, do I have any readers here in Arkansas? If so, please stop me in the street and say hi. I'll be the Asian guy.