As many of you know, sleep and I have a somewhat tenuous relationship. Whereas the Peanut tends to fall asleep by 7:30, BossLady usually starts getting yawny around 10:00 pm. Hence, I usually have about 4 hours to myself every night, a time that I use to voraciously consume as much news, sports and pop culture before I vomit like a bulimic Chuck Klosterman. Whether I've gorged on TV, the 50 magazines I subscribe to, or any of the 3 books that I tend to read simultaneously, I often come across some interesting quotes, both funny and serious, that I thought I'd share with all of you (along, of course, with my normal two-cent commentary.)
''Mothers don't lie to their sons. Now go wash your hands or Santa's not gonna bring you anything for Christmas.''---Lynette on "Desperate Housewives."
When the Peanut was born, BossLady and I swore that we would never lie to her. We wanted to have an open relationship with our daughter that would never be influenced by dishonesty or deception. Unfortunately, the Terrible Twos are testing the limits of that commitment. Right now, getting the Peanut into her stroller is like wrestling a penguin into a dress. It's virtually fucking impossible. Last week, in a moment of weakness, I turned to the Peanut and said, "C'mon, kid, just jump in the stroller. Elmo's downstairs waiting for us." However, the lovely BossLady informed me that false promises of furry red monsters technically constitute a lie so I'd better start coming up with some new tricks.
So what did I come up with? Now, I walk around with cheese in my pocket so I can bribe her at a moment's notice (I should mark it "unwrap in case of emergency.) Seriously. Even right now at the office, I have some in my pocket. Because shit, if I can't use deception, all I've got left is bribery.
Please tell me I'm not the only one doing this!
And honestly, if anyone had told me 10 years ago (when I was so full of myself and my hip urban lifestyle) that I would one day be carrying cheese in my pocket, I probably would have smacked them in the head with something.
Most likely my beret.
'Feminist author Linda Hirshman is here. I'll explain to her that a woman needs a man like a fish needs to be cooked and served to me for dinner by a woman on a bicycle.''---Stephen Colbert
It's interesting how a single article in an elite policy magazine can set off a battle between working mothers and those who choose to stay at home (i.e. "the Mommy Wars.") For those of you late to the party, Hirshman has argued that women who are "letting their careers slide to tend the home fires" are making a DRASTIC mistake. Now, I'm personally of the belief that if you can afford to stay home, more kudos to you. Either way, there's certainly no need to attack a woman's personal choice, Ms. Hirshman. Shame on you. I do have to say that, in light of everything going on in the world, this VERY IMPORTANT ISSUE bores the crap out of me and is indicative of what my friend James like to call "high-class problems."
Hell, BossLady is one of the smartest women I know. She's an Ivy League grad and has the loan payments to prove it. Would she love to stay at home? Of course! However, her decision to work shouldn't be equated with feminism but rather with what is right for our individual family. After all, without her income, I'd be forced to drink cheap scotch, cut my own hair, and forgo foie gras. So mind your own business, Linda Hirshman, and stay the hell out of my uterus!
''In her divorce petition, Denise Richards alleges Charlie Sheen is addicted to gambling, pornography, and prostitutes, all of which make him an unfit father...but a great uncle.''---David Spade
MetroBro is a great uncle. Being a writer/filmmaker/artist, he has been entrusted with our daughter's aesthetic upbringing (like Uncle Buck! But with culture!) Growing up, neither one of us had any uncles (at least none that we saw more than once every 20 years) so it's interesting watching him morph into unfamiliar territory. When Peanut was first born, I would frequently get phone calls from my childless friends who would say that they ran into my brother at a lounge at 3:00 in the morning and he immediately started whipping out baby photos like the proud uncle that he is. Why am I mentioning all this? Because I need a babysitter next Friday night, I can't get a hold of him, and I know he'll read this. C'mon, dude. Help a brother out! I'll even throw in a free dinner, some weed, and you don't have to walk the dog!
“How badly our enemies underestimated the power and endurance of freedom. In less than three years, we have more than just plans on paper—we place here today the cornerstone, the foundation of a new tower."---George Pataki in 2004 (as read in last week's New Yorker)
We live a short 4 blocks away from Ground Zero. Were I a little younger, I could go on our building's roof, throw a baseball and hit the tarnished site. I mention this because 2 years after Pataki's statement and more than 5 years after 9/11, they have only now begun to start construction on Freedom Tower. As has been abundantly documented, the bungling of this project has turned into an egregious example of bureaucracy and politics in action. By the end of the day on September 11, 2001, it was clear that the terrorists’ act had enormous symbolic power in the eyes of the world, and it was also clear that whatever arose at Ground Zero should make an equally important symbolic statement of its own. Sadly, we may find that instead of inspiring us and representing our values, the Tower will now represent the giant clusterfuck known as Politics In America.
''Your virtue is a gift. It is a gift you can give to only one man. Once you give it, it's gone. You can't regift it. If you give it to the wrong man, when the right one comes along, you'll have no gift to give. You'll have to give him a sweater.''---Rev. Boatwright on "Gilmore Girls"
For most of my life, there are certain groups whom I've always poked fun at...crazy old women with cats, white wanna-be gangsters, the French. Also included in this group were knitters. I was always scared by their pathological tendencies. One day, they're knitting scarves. The next day, they're making life-size replicas of a Ferrari.
Well, as it turns out, the BossLady has become a knitter.
And like everything the BossLady does when she decides to do something, she does it full force. For the past two weeks, she's dragged me to various yarn stores, shown me every Pantone color known to mankind, and researched every pattern under the stars. She knits during her lunch hour, on the subway, and last night, I caught her knitting on the toilet. Just kidding. Sort of. Anyway, she just started a sweater for me and, in only two days, she's about 10% done. It's like she's knitting on crystal meth. I think it's wonderful that she's making me this sweater but I think I'd rather have her spend more time giving up her virtue.
''I forget: which Jane Austen novel was Taxicab Confessions adapted from?''---Amanda Peet on "Studio 60" when a writer informs her that HBO is the only place for "literate" television.
I've always been a fan of Aaron Sorkin's work on television. Yes, I know his writing is often pedantic and egocentric but whenever I watch his shows, it restores my faith in television as a medium. Network television doesn't always have to be dumb people shouting at briefcases ("Deal or No Deal") or watching Emmitt Smith tarnish his legacy by doing the polka ("Dancing with the Stars.") No, sometimes great television can transcend all that crap. So, needless to say, I love Studio 60. I love the spitfire dialogue, the quick wit, and the bantering repartee. The acting is also impressive (especially Sarah Paulson as Harriet Hayes.) And while I will agree with Amy/Tracey that Aaron Sorkin can be absurdly pompous and derisive, it's nice to see some quality television for a change that won't insult my intelligence.
Interestingly, I think television is undergoing a great renaissance right now. It seems that there's more quality television being aired now than there has been for a very long time. I personally know that our Tivo/DVR is working overtime to record not only Studio 60 but also The Wire, Friday Night Lights, House, The Office, Smith, Shark, and CSI. I haven't been interested in that many shows in years. They all share the main commonality of being intelligent and very well-written, characteristics that are becoming virtually extinct on network television. And while these aforementioned shows have achieved considerable critical successes, it's sadly disappointing to see that they are suffering poorly in the ratings and may not be around for much longer. Perhaps intelligent television, as we know it, is destined for the scrap heap as we (as a society) continue to succumb to the lowest common denominator. What's next? The death of literature?
Anyway, bitches, I've got to run. "Laguna Beach" is about to start!
(Can't wait to see what neurotic Kyndra wears next. That bitch be crazee with her leopard tops and tight-ass skirts. And, OMG, did anyone catch that gnarly convo between Alex and Rocky last week? How bitchin' was that?)