It's only Monday but I feel like it's already been a long week. Damn! Since I didn't want to dump or unleash my problems and stresses onto you guys, I decided to just post random thoughts that occured to me during today's commute on NYC's finest subways. Here's 15 minutes of nothing....
FIVE THINGS I DEEPLY REGRET HAVING TAUGHT MY DAUGHTER
1. Picking your nose and wiping the boogers on your shoe.
2. Feeding leftovers to the dog.
3. Taking the batteries out of the remote control.
4. Splashing in the bathtub.
5. Wet willies.
FIVE THINGS I TAUGHT HER THAT ARE STUPID BUT HIGHLY AWESOME
1. Giving people a high-five while saying, "Up top, yo!"
2. Bras make great hats.
3. Panties on your head are even funnier.
4. Running around, pointing to your ass and yelling, "Poop! Poop!" (even when you haven't.)
5. Waking her mother up by sticking your finger in her belly button.
FIVE THOUGHTS ABOUT "BLUE'S CLUES"
1. I find myself mesmerized by Joe's eyebrows. Is it me or are they freakishly bushy?
2. Whenever BossLady refuses to do something, I pretend to write in a notebook.
3. I always thought Blue was a guy but then I saw him/her in a bikini. Blew my fucking mind.
4. I know a job is a job, "Joe," but why take one that all but guarantees a life of celibacy?
5. I think watching "Sesame Street" on mushrooms would be fun but "Blue's Clues" would scare the shit out of me.
FIVE QUESTIONS ABOUT "SESAME STREET"
1. Are Bert & Ernie (a) roommates, (b) brothers, or (c) totally gay?
2. What the fuck happened to Snuffleupagus? Did someone put a hit on him?
3. Who owns Hoopers? Some rich dude driving a Cadillac who lives in the suburbs?
4. Are the Birdketeers and the Grouchketeers like the Crips and the Bloods of Sesame Street?
5. Was there any lingering bitterness when Kermit left to front his own show and become a big Hollywood movie star?
FIVE PEOPLE ON THE SUBWAY WHO PISSED ME OFF TODAY
1. The leg-spreader.
2. Smelly guy eating an Egg McMuffin next to me.
3. Hairy armpit-in-my-face woman.
4. Sneezy guy who didn't cover his nose.
5. Crazy Chinese woman knitting a sweater with her needles just inches from my face.
FIVE PEOPLE ON THE SUBWAY WHO MADE ME FALL IN LOVE WITH NYC ALL OVER AGAIN
1. Cool, arty older woman who let me work on the Sunday NYT crossword with her.
2. Funny Orthodox Jewish homeboy freestyling raps about sheckels and kippas.
3. Scary black dude whom I busted listening to Whitney's "I'm Every Woman" on his ipod.
4. Conservative blonde WASP banker-type woman who gave the homeless guy her sandwich.
5. Incredibly fragile 85-year old gentleman kindly offering his seat to a young pregnant woman.
FIVE IDEAS FOR MY HALLOWEEN COSTUME (AND WHY THEY'RE ALL BAD)
1. Jin from "Lost" (Being barechested all night sounds like a good way to freeze your nipples off.)
2. V from "V for Vendetta" (When I tried on the mask, I scared the shit out of the Peanut.)
3. Elmo ("Mommy, why is Elmo smoking cigarettes on Hudson Street?")
4. Michelle Wie (I'm damn fugly in drag.)
5. A Gay Redneck Asian Nascar Driver (not sure if anyone would find this as funny as I do.)
Feel free to comment on any/all of the above.
Meanwhile, anyone got some good stuff to keep me entertained and cheer me up? Funny youtube videos? Newly discovered blogs? Photos of Christy Turlington in a Wonder Woman outfit?