(1) The meat in a roast beef sandwich should be brown or pink. If rare, it can occasionally be slightly red. It should never EVER be grey. More specifically, it should never resemble a decaying piece of liver dragged through an ashtray.
(2) I find it odd that they sell porn at airport newsstands. What is the rationale behind this? Are there people out there who think, “Darn, my flight is delayed again. Maybe I’ll just grab some gum, the NY Times, and the latest issue of JUGGS magazine.”
(3) It seems that the tech tools of today’s sales jockeys are a Blackberry and a wireless ear piece. Right now, I’m looking at several men walking around the airport donning these Star Trek transporter/earpiece combo units. They all look like ridiculous modern-day members of the USS Enterprise. I’m trying hard to resist the urge to run up to them and say, “Do you have any life form readings yet, Spock?" or "Dammit, Scottie. I'm a doctor, not an engineer!”
(4) If you’re a guy and you want to make conversation with me, try to come up with a better line than, “I really like your shoes, man.” That’s just creepy. Especially when you don’t have any follow-up conversation starters.
(5) I think I’ve figured out the hierarchical timeline of careers in the field of security personnel. First, you start off working security at a small store. Then, you move to the office building down the street. Eventually, if you play your cards right, you become a mall cop. Finally, when you reach the ripe old age of 82, you're then officially eligible to work airport security.
(6) Arkansas is AR-Kansas. I wonder what AR means. Is it like UBER? Is Arkansas the super-sized version of Kansas? Is it like Kansas but only with more Argon (AR)? Or maybe AR means "not" as in you are NOT in Kansas. Anyone?
(7) While waiting to board a plane, BossLady and I sometimes like to imagine the lives of our fellow travellers. See that guy? He’s the regional sales manager for Amway and he’s flying to Miami to meet his gay lover that he met on MySpace! That woman? She used to be a man but only has saved up enough money for half the operation. She's flying to Thailand to complete the job. We usually have a lot of fun playing this game. What am I learning in Arkansas? This game is really not that fun when you’re playing it by yourself.
(8) The airport bar had a television showing various music videos from the 80’s. And although the bar staff seemed to have an average age of about 23, they all knew the words to classics from The Cure, Echo & the Bunnymen, Wham, Wang Chung, and Wall of Voodoo. How is this possible? These kids were like 2-years old in 1985. So do they actually like this music? Or are they listening to it ironically? Like the way I sometimes ironically listen to Perry Como.
Lastly, I leave you with a quick story.
While sitting at the airport bar a few minutes ago, there was an extremely rude man who was speaking so loudly on his cellophone that everyone could hear. During the course of my one drink, I learned that "the clients are freaking idiots," “those fuckers at corporate don’t know shit about nothing” and “you and I definitely need to get together and grab some brewskis next week in Cincy.” I was in a very foul mood so I stood up and loudly told the rude man that if he wanted to talk on his phone, he should kindly get the fuck out of the bar right now and stop invading everyone else’s private space. (I can be quite intimidating when necessary because I have a fairly deep voice and I look like the kind of guy who might know Karate---i.e. Asian.)
Anyway, not only did Mr. Rude wither from embarrassment and leave but also several women at the bar actually got up and gave me a standing ovation! I realized, at that precise moment, that this was the FIRST standing ovation that I’d ever received in my life! Sure, when I was a little kid in school plays, the parents would always give us standing ovations but I’d never in my life received a solitary ovation. It felt great.
I started thinking how it's quite possible that this will be the ONLY standing ovation I ever receive in my life. I'm not sure how I feel about that. It's a little sad, isn't it? Have I accomplished so little in my life that this random instance will be my only standing ovation EVER? Don't you think we should all get standing ovations every once in awhile for drudging through the muddles and stresses of our daily lives? I think that would be nice.
Oh well...for the record, nobody has ever thrown their panties at me, carried me on their shoulders or sang "For he's a jolly good fellow" either! (hint, hint!)
Gotta run. Looks like they're finally boarding the plane. Hallelujah, the things I do to earn a living!