Chaos Theory

It's a busy week again here at Casa MetroDad.  Work is busy.  My MIL is in town.  And Lord knows my DVR is bursting at the seams.  Therefore, posting may be a little light.  However, as usual, I've got some random things on my mind so I thought I'd spew them out all at once.  Here goes...

METHINKS THOU ART QUITE STRANGE!  I BID YOU ANON!

I had a salesman in my office on Friday who was trying to get my business.  He was a really nice guy so we started shooting the shit about non-work related topics.  I was talking about the Peanut.  He was telling me about his kids.  We talked a little about sports. When I asked him what he was doing over the weekend, he told me he was going to a Renaissance Faire.  I thought this was pretty funny and assumed he was going for the campiness factor.  You know, spend a few hours outdoors, drink a few beers, watch a joust.  Then, he proceeds to tell me about how he and his whole family dress up in costume and speak in medieval tongue EVERY weekend.  I thought he was kidding until he showed me the photos. I don't know whether he looked more like a gay Musketeer or the illegitimate love child of Friar Tuck and Falstaff.

Seriously? I think I'd rather do business with a Trekkie.

THE WRATH OF GRAPES

I let my daughter eat off the floor, hang off the bars at the jungle gym, run wildly through the streets of NYC, jump headfirst off the couch, and play with scissors.  So can someone please explain to me why I completely freak out when she gets within 10 feet of an unpeeled grape?

WHEN ELMO AND OPPORTUNITY KNOCK

I wasn't a parent when previous fads such as Cabbage Patch Kids, Beanie Babies, or Power Rangers became the must-have gift of the holiday season.  The whole concept of a "must-have" gift is so foreign to me.  Owing to my parents' immigrant status, the holidays weren't a big deal in our home.  Usually, on Christmas, I'd either get a $20 bill or a new book.  Yes, it was slightly traumatic at the time.  However, watching people go nuts to buy stuff during the holidays always amazed us!  Who would sleep in the parking lot of Wal-Mart the day after Thanksgiving so they could get their hands on a TOY?  White people are so funny sometimes, no? 

Anyway, by now, most of you have heard about the hysteria surrounding the release of TMX Elmo.  The latest version of the Tickle-Me Elmo doll is retailing for about $39.99.  However, due to limited supply, sellers on E-Bay are already listing the toy for $150.  Holy crap!  If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.  BossLady and I just bought 12 TMX Elmos.  If we sell them for $150 each, we'll make a profit of $1,320.  That should be just enough money for us to check into the Ritz-Carlton, order in room service, and tickle each other extremely for a few days!  God bless that little furry red bastard!

MY NAME IS EARL...OF SANDWICH

My mother-in-law is visiting us this week so I've been sleeping on the couch in the living room.  I love my MIL to death so I don't really mind.  Besides, I tend to stay up late so it works out just fine. The weird thing is that when I sleep on the couch, I can see into my neighbors' apartments across the street.  The other night, as I was reading, I noticed someone making a sandwich at 2:00 am.  Definitely my kind of guy. I'm a big fan of the late-night hoagie and I have enormous respect for my fellow stoner chefs.  But then, I started thinking about what kind of sandwich the guy was making.  What if it was brie and green apple on a baguette?  What if it was black trumpet mushrooms with white truffle fondue on a ciabatta roll?  Or worse, what if he was making a sandwich with goat cheese?  Ewww!  Then, of course, my opinion of the neighbor would be COMPLETELY different. 

I was literally so preoccupied with all this that I was just about to rummage through the closet to find our binoculars when I decided I should probably just go to bed...but not until after making a sandwich.  Peanut butter & jelly, thank you very much.   

HOME WASN'T BUILT IN A DAY

I am not a handy man.  I am very useful in many other ways.  If you want to know where to get the best Moroccan food in NYC, need someone to give a speech at a wedding, or are curious about what kind of wine goes best with pizza, I am definitely your man.  However, when it comes to household chores, I am generally useless.  Last week, I actually paid someone to come over and change the lightbulbs in our den because the last time I tried to do this, I ended up ripping the fixtures out of the ceiling. 

Now, BossLady and I are discussing redoing our kitchen.  During the total gut renovation of our apartment a few years ago, we ran out of money before we got to the kitchen.  Yet, somehow, I have it in my head that I can singlehandledly do it by myself with some help from my friends at Ikea. Thankfully, my lovely wife reminded me not only about the lightbulb incident but also about the time where I was convinced I could repaint our old apartment by myself and we ended up sleeping on the floor for two months. 

So we've decided that we're just going to save some money and have someone professionally renovate our kitchen.  At our current rate of savings, we think that should be somewhere around 2026.  However, if anyone out there would like to swap manual labor for some witty repartee, please e-mail me immediately. 

CURRENTLY ENJOYING MUCH MORE THAN I'D LIKE TO ADMIT

1. The latest incarnation of "Survivor: Cook Islands" where the teams are divided by ethnicity.  I like to call the show "Survivor: KKKooK Isands" but somehow I can't stop watching it.  As famed rock thespian Tommy Lee might say, the entire show just feels like it's "sauteed in wrong sauce."  How can something so wrong feel so right? 

2. Although the Peanut is just shy of her 2nd birthday, we've recently introduced the concept of potty training by buying her a book titled "Too Big For Diapers," (starring Ernie of the ambiguosly gay duo Bert & Ernie.)  Since the Peanut adores Ernie, she's become obsessed with the book.  Now, she likes to run up to me and whisper in my ear, "poo poo in the potty."  She knows it cracks me up so every time she says it, the two of us laugh hilariously.  At this rate, she should be potty trained by the time she enters junior high.

3. Redi-Whip.  Since I'm still doing Atkins and have eschewed carbs, I no longer indulge in Oreos.  But did you know that Redi-Whip has no carbs?  More than once, I have found myself standing by the refrigerator shooting whipped cream directly into my mouth.  There are very few things in life that will make you feel like a 5-year old again.  This is one of them. 

4. Is anyone else besides me a little TOO excited about the fact that dictionary.com has a new graphic user interface?  Seriously, I feel like I've been sauteed in awesome sauce!  When I saw the new look, I practically squealed with delight.  By the way, speaking of dictionaries, I'm currently obsessed with my new favorite word, "ersatz."  I've been trying to use it in conversation lately but have been totally spazzing out so I thought I'd put it here on the internet. 

Have a great week, everyone!

Comments

[Fiona]

Holy crap, I've been obsessed with "ersatz" lately too! Which is because it was one of the featured words in the Word Power column in the latest Reader's Digest. Ah, I love that section (am nerd, thank you very much).

As further proof of my nerd status, dictionary.com is happily bookmarked on both my laptop and my PC, hooray!

Awesome post, as always :)

[Nerd is the Word!]

I too am a dictionary.com nerd. Can't tell you how happy I was to see the site redesign last week. I also got a huge thrill that the "word of the day" last Friday was "opprobrium." Damn, that's a mighty good word. Been trying to use in conversation all week. Like you, I guess I'll just use it on the internet.

Great post, MD!

[Philip]

"Posting will be light..." followed by a 5000 word essay. I love it.

Try getting her the potty that has a motion sensor light that plays songs when she goes. Seriously, it's only like 17 bucks at Target. Worked great for our 2 year old.

No carbs, huh? I prefer that over strawberries, with those funny little cake things.

And I haven't been by dictionary.com since I got my MacBook cause there's a widget right on my screen that pipes in dictionary.com to a little screen thingy.

What's the dvr filling up with, btw?

[Jared]

Long time fan, MD. Delurking to say that this is really brilliant writing. You need to come to L.A. and get a sitcom deal. It'd be better than 90% of everything on TV now.

[mrsfortune]

What's wrong with goat cheese? Goat cheese is good. Very. Very. Good.

And I have a "friend" who gets dressed up for those renaissance fairs. What a loser. Seriously. Do you watch Reno 911? They did some pretty funny bits having to do with a Renaissance Fair last season.

[William]

Middle of the night Hoagies are the best and thanks for using the word hoagie and not sub.

Redi-Whip---you are not inhaling are you? Whippits.

[Mike]

I admit, I wore a TIgger costumes to raves so that X'd out raver girls would molest me.

[Annie]

You peel your daughter's grapes?

That's parental dedication of the likes that I have never known in my entire life. I salute you!

-annie

[greggo]

You're a true mensch, MD. Sleeping on the couch while your MIL is in town for a week? Kudos on being an excellent son-in-law. She must love you.

When my MIL comes to stay with us, I make up excuses to work late or take a business trip.

Peeled grapes? I just quartered them, myself.

And is it Mogodor, in your opinion, with the MOrroccan food?

[twizzle]

I have a name for sandwiches such as Pippin apple, brie, and porcini mushroom on a ciabatta roll: a richboy!

[twizzle]

P.S. Just cut the goddamned grapes in half, or squash them with your fingers so that they're not globe-shaped. Will prevent choking every time!

[KC]

Your technorati tags for this post are sauteed in awesome sauce!

(Although possibly deviant-drawing.)

I'm addicted to dictionary.com and Redi-Whip. (But not ambiguously gay muppet-things).

[lyle]

You are effing hilarious, MD. I'm totally addicted to dictionary.com. Told my wife about the new graphics the other day and she souldn't have cared less. Thanks for making my night!

[Jessica]

I know I speak from personal experience when I say, nothing bonds a daughter to her daddy quite like poop (love your blog).

[Kvetch]

I am bursting at the seams imagining your family in awe of those Christmas shopping (this kvetching Jewish mama not among them. And the thought of you all just shaking your heads at the silly white folk and their Walmart.

Me too.

I'd rather pay retail!

[RBrown]

Of course you'd be the only person I (sort of) know besides me who noticed - and appreciated - the new dictionary.com look. I use it all day long for work and one day it was just brand spankin' new, like Anna Nicole after Trimspa.

[Anne Glamore]

I, too, am all over the redesign of disctionary (tho in my case it's the thesaurus just as often-- spent all week trying to remember the word abattoir for a post).

Re suburbia: I don't think you'd last more than 4 minutes in the Tiny Kingdom in Alabama, but it would be fun to try. Hell, you've got the Dreamland link, so you'd have something to talk about.

[Louise]

What kind of wine does go best with pizza?

[CrankMama]

I love the Ren Faire thought followed by the story about the sandwich... You have quite a big brain.

I'd say more, but I'm distracted by my ersatz redhair today.

[panthergirl]

I highly recommend the Lemony Snicket books (NOT the movie). One volume is entitled "The Ersatz Elevator"... just for you.

[Steve B.]

You rock, MD! Thanks as always.

[Stacy]

They're called LARPers... Live Action Role Players.

My husband portrayed Henry VIII at the Georgia Renaissance Festival for years. The actors generally think that LARPers are real freaks. See, they are PAID to dress up and talk that way. It's a JOB, yo, and actors are whores -- we'll do anything for a buck.

Elmo: Remember a couple of years ago when the Xbox bundle was the big deal? My Mom (in Michigan) found a stash at her local Wal-Mart when people were lining up outside stores here in Atlanta. She bought 10 of them and sold them on eBay. Bought them for $150 each and didn't sell any of them for less than $300. Great little money maker right before the holidays...

[Lotta]

Mmmmm..rediwhip. It's enough to make me get back on the Atkins wagon. If I can take the bad breath.

[sarah]

dictionary.com's new interface?

that's so nerdy it hurts.

but yeah, i felt a little something tingle "down there" when i saw it (for thesaurus, though), too. live links to synonyms!!!

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