The MetroDad Theory of Relativity

Two of our best friends recently had their second child.

And since the birth of their first child preceded the Peanut's by almost a year, they have always somewhat served as our parenting guinea pigs.  In many ways, they are like our Lewis & Clark, bravely traversing ahead of us on that great continental divide known as Parenthood and selflessly warning us of all the potential pitfalls that we may encounter along the way. 

Actually, that might be overstating their importance.  Sorry.  THIS HEAT IS MAKING ME INSANE AND RUINING ALL MY METAPHORS!

On second thought, they're more like the best friends you call on a Saturday night to ask why your newborn child is filling up her Huggies with what looks like the remains of a Shamrock Shake.

Anyway...like us, our friends were very anxious parents on the first go-around.  They read all the parenting books and took all the right classes.  No baby-related purchases were made unless they had been researched on Consumer Reports and cross-referenced with the databases of the FDA, the CDC and CPSC.  Heck, they even had professional safety experts come to their apartment and ensure that everything was 100% child-proof.  It was their first child!  Who could blame them?

But for kid #2?  Ehh...not so much. 

Seriously, we went over there last week and I swear that I saw their newborn baby sucking paper clips out of an electrical socket. 

Now, I'm not saying that my friends don't care about their second child.  It's just that I think we all eventually learn that much of the anxiety and stress we experienced with the birth of our first child may have been a tad bit out of proportion.  That's ok.  In reality, that's how it SHOULD be.  Having a child for the first time is a major life-altering event and should be undertaken with only the utmost seriousness. 

I hear stories all the time about parents obsessively sterilizing for hours and hours anything that came in contact with their first child!  By the time the third one comes along, these same parents are licking the germs off the pacifier with their tongues and wiping them off with their shirt.  Somehow, it's just not as big a deal anymore. 

I've also noticed this phenomenon when it comes to naming one's children.  Before the Peanut was born, I'm not kidding when I say that BossLady and I had a huge Excel file listing all of our preferred names by both gender and alphabetical order.  We would spend HOURS lying in bed and trying to come up with those "special" names. 

But as I look around at couples with multiple kids, I realize that even things like names become less and less important.  With the first child, it's always, "Oh, Sweetie!  You were named after my favorite relative, Grandma Eden, who lovingly raised me when I was a young child.  I'll always have a special place in my heart for her and, when I look at you, I see her beautiful soul shining brightly inside of you."   

By the 4th kid, it's like, "Your name?  You were named after a fucking sandwich.  Now, go get your brothers and sisters, Reuben!"

As for me?  Heck, I've only been a parent for 21 months but I can already see that my over-protectiveness of my daughter is starting to wane a little bit and that my lax attitude is slowly manifesting itself in subtle ways.  How?

Well, here's what I've noticed so far...

• I used to bathe the Peanut every single day.  Now, I only do it when there's maple syrup stuck in her hair or when she starts smelling worse than the dog.  I've been busted more than once wiping her down from head to toe with a wet paper towel. 

• I used to prepare every single one of her meals from scratch using only the freshest organic ingredients.  I still do this quite frequently but let's just say that now, my daughter squeals like a little chipmunk whenever we pass by a McDonalds. 

• I used to sit for hours on the floor with the Peanut reading her 20 children's books in a row.  Now, I make her sit on my lap as I read her passages from Phillip Roth's new novel or the Sports Section.   She's not learning quite as much but I was pretty proud when she turned to me the other day and said, "Yankees suck!"

I think because the Peanut is turning into this walking, talking human being with her own strong sense of individuality and personality, I feel less inclined to be so neurotic or overprotective.  After all, what good does it do to sterilize all her sippy cups when, two minutes later, she's outside shoveling mounds of dirt into her mouth like a geophagic member of a Zambian war tribe?  Seems like a waste of time, doesn't it? 

Heck, by next week, I'll probably just change her diapers when the poop starts leaking out the sides.  Of course, I'll have to wait until she's done playing in traffic and juggling the steak knives...but that's cool, right? 

Comments

[Vampdaddy]

A good friend of mine just had baby #3 -- at some point they must just blend together!

[John P.]

I was the 5th child! All my older siblings have cool & interesting names. When it came to ME, my parents just decided on "John."

I think I would have preferred Reuben.

[sal]

I know that you are getting ready for "number two" and, believe me, it is madness!!! We are going into the fourth week of being a "family of four" and what surprises me is that the amount of work is not double, but maybe five times more!!! That explains the relaxation, right there...!

If you think that you love the peanut with all your heart, wait until she kisses her little sister/brother and says: "it's fine baby, Mommy is coming". It brings tears to my eyes... and I'm a first-born!!!!

Good luck!

[Her Bad Mother]

I find that if you dip the pacifier in Grey Goose it sterilizes nicely.

[papa2hapa]

you are on a roll, man.

Whatever it is you're doing, keep it up.

And forget about bathing, just take the faucet sprayer and you're done.

[OTR sister]

We only have the one but when she throws her food on the floor we let her pick it up and eat it later. If we are this lax now what happens by number 2?!

[p-man]

I'd like to say we are more relaxed with #2, but I can't. I think the word may be "resigned".

[L.]

How does the old saying go? The first kid eats meticulously prepared organic food, the second kid eats whatever food is on sale, and the third kid eats whatever the first two kids drop on the floor.

[Seth]

You are too funny for words, MD. That line about the sandwich had me practically crying with laughter. Good stuff!

[kristal]

We have seven at home and I often have a private chuckle at first time parents who obsess about every tiny thing. I started babysitting my granddaughter this week and her mom made me a schedule for her and started ticking off a list of 'how to take care of a baby' stuff. I gave her a funny look [my youngest is only 2, so it hasn't been *that* long!] and she laughed. "I guess you know what to do already." She still looked a little nervous when she walked out the door the first time...

[Amy]

I want to see the baby name spread sheet!

I often think back to that brief time when I had only one child and wonder: What the fuck was I complaining about? That was SIMPLE!

[mrs mogul]

It's only now that I bathe my kid everyday ( I FEEL A POST COMING ON!), before it was like twice a week! LOL

[Mega Mom]

Thank you for Reuben. We've been desperately trying to think of a name for a 4th boy should it come to that :))

I thought I was so laid back, but I just remembered that I gave up all sugar for the first trimester of my first pregnancy. GACK! Thankfully, I've made it up to myself.

[Just Linda]

I have five kids, but for me the naming thing got more difficult each time. Because? I have a very complicated pattern that I follow and the more kids I had, the more difficult it was to find a name that fit my blasted pattern. hahaha

But yeah, the 5 second rule sort of morphs into a 5 hour rule. hahah

[honglien123]

Lest one thinks the naming problem is limited to any one culture, here's a true story that sounds better in Vietnamese. My uncle really really really wanted a boy, and finally had one after 7 girls.

By girl 5, they pretty much used up the last good girl name that wasn't taken up by another relative, Thu (meaning Autumn). They gave up with girl 6, whom my dad named "Dong", meaning winter, 'cause you know, Winter follows Autumn. "Dong" also happens to mean crowded, so of course girl 7 was named "Vui Qua" meaning Happy. And not just Happy, but Very Happy. And yes, all these kids live in the US.

And no, those last two aren't proper Vietnamese names either.

[Carla]

I am the 6th of 7 children, I was raised by neglect and wild siblings. One of my cousins (1 of 5 kids) thought her name was DamnitJudy. huh!

[Carmen]

Mmmmm....Shamrock Shakes. I miss those. Went to McD's to get one on St. Paddy's day last year and to my shock and horror they didn't have them anymore. And the 10 year old working behind the counter looked at me like I had grown another head when I asked for one. Then, speaking very slowly, as those I were short a few brain cells, she said that they have vanilla, chocolate and strawberry shakes. sigh...

[CincyDaddy]

I'm a second child, and my mom promises me that there are photos of me growing up. She just has to find them...Yeah, right.

[Crunchy Carpets]

LOL! I love it...
Yeah.....part of it is that as your kid gets older they start having to fit into YOUR life instead of your life revolving around them.
With baby no. 2 you are so blissfull to NOT feel petrified of this being, to have some sort of feel of competence and calm that sure they can lick the dog or eat the cat food. Go for it!

Our friends are expecting no. 2 now too and so it will be interesting to see how thier approach changes....I think they think we are monstrous heathens anyway!

[Melissa]

Metro, I missed you. I am laughing my ass off right now. Rueben, Hahaha. The second time around, you know they will live though most anything. And you have learned that letting them keep the penny in their mouth or your $250 cell phone in their hand, really means quiet for a few moments. And quiet when you have two kids, is hard to come by.

I love that you guys had an Excel list for names. We did that too, the first time. I had also color cordinated the names I liked, loved and would maybe consider. Hell, the second one was almost 9 hours old before she had a name.

[Stu]

Dead on, Metro! I remember being completely neurotic after the birth of our first kid. We must have sterilized everything within a 3 mile radius. Now that we're on kid #4, he's lucky if we wipe off his bottle with a dirty t-shirt before giving it to him.

[Denver Dad]

"Your name? You were named after a fucking sandwich. Now, go get your brothers and sisters, Reuben!" is the funniest damn thing I've read in a while. Thanks for the laugh, MetroDad!

[gina]

Yea, I remember all of the sterilizing stuff with the first one. He was always clean and only ate organic stuff.

With the second one, I slipped a little. I fed them more convenience foods and sometimes McDonalds.

The third one really did me in. I didn't even have diapers for him. We picked up some on the way home from the hospital. His first solid food was a hunk of pizza his four-year-old brother handed him. Nothing's more fun than trying to wrestle food out of the hands of a baby who can barely sit up on his own when he's not gonna let go dammit.

At that point, I just started giving him the same food his brother and sister were eating.

Thankfully, he lived.

[Devra]

Two things husband has done:
1. worn a RugRats bandaid to work.

2. Almost stuck his finger in the mouth of a colleague who was yawning widely without covering up the mouth. (It's a family joke we have, but probably would not have translated well to "Captain sticking finger in mouth of Lt. Colone".

3. Been in a military briefing where the presenter, also a dad, asked if anyone in the group needed a "potty break".

[Devra]

oops! I meant to post this to "Chaos Theory". Sorry! Help?

[Lynne]

Your writing is excellent! Reading this post I was so overcome that I actually guffawed at work. Yes, guffawed. I just could not keep my countenance after the sandwich line. But my absolute favorite was 'geophagic member of a Zambian war tribe.' I actually had to Google geophagic and that NEVER happens. :-)

How do you come up with this ish? We are so not worthy.

[Cindy]

I love the blog and I think you're hilarious, but I have to out you! Don't take this as an accusation, because I think you're really funny and I'm sure all your other stuff is original, but Jim Gaffigan is too talented not to get credited for the Reuben line.

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[Toprak]

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