Open Letter to Popeye's Spicy Fried Chicken

Dear Popeyes Spicy Fried Chicken,

This is one of the hardest letters I've ever had to write and I've been struggling with it for weeks.  I know you've picked up on the vibe that I've been ignoring you lately.  Please trust me that a letter is the last way that I wanted to communicate with you.  I just didn't have the courage to face you in person. 

I know. I'm a fucking coward. 

Of all the loves I've had in my life, you were one of the best.  I know I've claimed this very sentiment to others before but you really are special. There's something truly magical about you.  Maybe it's your delectable skin.  Or your crispy personality.  Or that spicy insouciance that drives me wild with passion. 

I know we met under weird circumstances.  However, I'll never forget (nor will I ever regret) that first night when we shared my bed together, along with your friends, dirty rice and hot biscuit.  I thought it was just a one-time orgy thing and that, afterwards, we'd all go our separate ways.  Sure, maybe we'd run into each other on Chambers Street but I assumed that we'd just pretend as if we'd never met. 

But I couldn't get you out of my mind. 

So like Troilus and Cressida, we began our epic relationship.  There were those times when we'd see each other almost every day.  It's as if we couldn't get enough of one another.  Passion fueled our hunger for one another.   

However, it's time for me to move on without you.  It was ok for us to be together when I was younger and had a taut, athletic body that glistened like Canola oil.  But I've changed, Spicy Chicken,  I've changed.  I'm no longer that man you used to know.  I've got a little pot belly now and my metabolism has slowed to crawl.  The race against time has started and my body is crawling along like the Bataan Death March.  So, as much as it hurts me to say, I'm afraid you're just not healthy for me.  Our co-dependent relationship must finally come to an end.  Otherwise, who knows what kind of tragic ending may befall us? 

I can't believe I'll never see your succulent meat again.  No more will I wipe your grease off my chin.  Nor will I ever wake up again and feel the memory of your taste.  It saddens me, Spicy Chicken, but I think this is the best move for both of us.

Remember...I'll always have a special place in my heart for you.  Good luck with your life and all that the future brings.  May you find someone who loved you as much as I.

Stay classy, Spicy Chicken.  Stay classy. 

Love forever,
Customer #149

.

FYI...BossLady and I started a hard-core diet and exercise plan a few weeks ago.  We both used to be in great shape.  However, the arrival of a certain unnamed baby has wreaked havoc on our bodies.  So now, as we sit on our couch and chew lettuce, we talk about all the foods that we miss eating.  We literally can play this game for hours.  For a foodie like me, dieting is complete torture.   The worst part?  I haven't had a single glass of scotch in over two weeks!

Comments

[metro mama]

You're a much stronger person than I.

[R2Dad]

MD, the key is to find acceptable replacements for those foods that love you too much. Panko some chicken and bake, finish with lots of fresh and/or dried chilis. Feel the burn. Grin. Repeat.

[A. Tsai]

Thanks, Metro. I needed a good laugh! I'll pour myself a scotch tonight in your honor. Good luck with the diet.

[Izzy]

nor will I ever regret that first night when we shared my bed together, along with your friends, dirty rice and hot biscuit.

lololol...you crack my ass up!

Good luck with your new healthy lifestyle :)

[p-man]

Cry me a river (from someone with the meatbolism of Montezuma's squirrel). So you can't eat the 'chicken'... there is no prohibition against the pleasures afforded by the dermal application of 'chicken' grease.

[p-man]

That's, um, metabolism. But it applies to meat... why can't I locate the typos when they're in this little box?

[Bradley]

Wow...is it wrong to get turned on by someone's description of food? I don't think I'll ever look at fried chicken again in the same way.

[Chris]

Say it ain't so. I'll use this as a model when I have to write the inevitable letter to Dunkin Donuts.

[Mama Nabi]

Although I am not acquainted with your mistress, I believe I have had a few hot flings with her lesser known kinsmen... always with a couple of his spicy delectable dip friends. Luckily, my metabolism allows me to stay off diets... so I will think of you and the BossLady next time I lick a chicken bone clean.

As far as scotch goes, I just passed my 2 year abstinence anniversary last month... (well, I was preggo, then nursing... plus, PN has absolutely no self-will when it comes to beer and one of us should stay sober, just in case. Yes, I know, what a martyr.) So quit yer whining about no scotch for 2 weeks... cravings will subside - helps if you avoid smelling it.

[Sally]

No scotch for TWO weeks? That seems so un-Metro! You must really be dedicated to the new diet. Good for you.

[Cask No. 69.9]

It doesn't have to end like this, Metro. What about calories in vs. calories out? You can just excercise more for me; you know I'm worth it.

[enygma]

I'm kind of joking, but kind of not, but when I first moved out here, I looked for the closest Popeye's.

[honglien123]

Damn you fucking people. I never had a popeye's habit before but all your fucking talk about the fucking biscuits! Shit...now I want some.

[matt]

You are a bigger man than I. (I don't mean that literally.)

I still have a lasting extra-marital threesome with Papa John and Senior Coca-Cola. I just can't let go of the big Papa and whenever I get my hands on some of his greasey cheese, I have to have some of senior's sparkling juice.

[MC]

MMmmMmMMmmm .. why do I see a similar ( yet half-arsed as I don't really mean it ) post in my not-so-distant-future ?

MmMMMMmm - faaaaaaaattt.
Not so good as a tyre around my middle, however ..

[mrs mogul]

I've never been to POPEYES! I used to date the Colonel you know but then I left him for Frank Perdue.

[Pickle's Papa]

crack. the answer is crack. you wont even remember what scotch is, and how many fat crack-heads do you know?

[panthergirl]

You know, when I think of Popeye's I do think of "dirty rice", but I don't think it's for the same reason. Still, as they say, "for every key, there is a keyhole"... condolences on your breakup.

However........how timely! I just posted about www.fitday.com, which you might love.

[sweatpantsmom]

My gawd - I knew there was something eerily familiar about you. For years, we've shared the same lover.

But unlike you, I am loyal to the core. I refuse to give up that spicy deep-fried flesh, no matter what Atkins, the South Beach nuts or Mr. Zone says.

And I suppose you, in your haste, have also forsaken the creamy goodness of red beans and rice? For shame, MD, for shame.

[PLD]

MD - you had me at "conde nasties" over at mrs. mogul.

Good luck w/ the diet!

[Nikki]

mmmmmmm, pizza with extra cheese and a pint of ben & jerry's. i miss my good friends too, but alas my ass is spreading faster than paris hilton's thighs.

[MommaK]

Ugh. Popeye's spicy is a weakness of mine too. I am also cutting the crap from my diet as all I can currently fit into are my fat pants. Man..growing old sucks.

Congrats on your Perfect Post award!

[panthergirl]

HEY... put that little "Perfect Post" icon next to this post... you earned it, baby!

[Carmi]

Panthergirl sent me, and she's so on the money with her PP award. Well deserved!

You write wonderfully.

[Jennifer]

Brilliant. One of those posts that makes me smack my forehead and say, "man...I wish I'd written that."

[OldOldOldLady Of The Hills]

Wondeful! Panthergirl sewnt me and I think you deserve the Perfect Post in spades!!! Terrific!
And good luck with your diet!

[Carla]

Well said #149, my sweet husband and I are going the way of initials.
YMCA
WW (weight watchers) since we got married 5 years ago we have been the poster children for 'fat and happy'
good luck

[Drew]

Popeye's Naked Chicken Breasts... almost no carbs, calories and pure protein... and spicy to boot!

[lorrie]

I bawled like a little baby over this one. (sniff)

[choclet]

plz can some one tell me the recpy to the brlamt stuf coz i dont live in america i live in sathend on sea

Great info, keep up the good posts!

[viagra online]

Wow, I love Peking duck and never thought to make it myself, but you are always a source of inspiration. Can I just say that when I first saw that picture, I thought had a 6 pack, and was ripped! Regardless of the athletic inclinations of the duck, the final results look amazing.

[Lose Pregnancy Weight]

This is hilarious. Thanks for sharing.

Thanks,

tom

http://www.fatlosstoptips.com/lose-pregnancy-weight/

[Eat Stop Eat Review]

I have just showed this to my colleague and he absolutely loved it!

Eat Stop Eat Review

http://www.fatlosstoptips.com/eat-stop-eat-review/

[saydul]

I want to get tickets to Richard III , 2 pm mnetaie. It seems like that ought to be possible on July 9, 16,17, 30 & Aug. 6. But some of these dates appear to conflict with As You Like It dates. Please clarify. Thanks, FB

[Abbhay]

Wow Dolly, I think you just used the best description that is exatcly how it made us feel.. Felt so real, that we were actually in the room with them!! I mean no other actors that I know can make me feel that way!! Believe it or not, but I was actually talking to myself as they were talking, saying yes yes Sami your sayin the right things oh my god it was so so good!! I am really super duper proud of our Sami right now, she is taking care of her Ej!!