This is one of the hardest letters I've ever had to write and I've been struggling with it for weeks. I know you've picked up on the vibe that I've been ignoring you lately. Please trust me that a letter is the last way that I wanted to communicate with you. I just didn't have the courage to face you in person.
I know. I'm a fucking coward.
Of all the loves I've had in my life, you were one of the best. I know I've claimed this very sentiment to others before but you really are special. There's something truly magical about you. Maybe it's your delectable skin. Or your crispy personality. Or that spicy insouciance that drives me wild with passion.
I know we met under weird circumstances. However, I'll never forget (nor will I ever regret) that first night when we shared my bed together, along with your friends, dirty rice and hot biscuit. I thought it was just a one-time orgy thing and that, afterwards, we'd all go our separate ways. Sure, maybe we'd run into each other on Chambers Street but I assumed that we'd just pretend as if we'd never met.
But I couldn't get you out of my mind.
So like Troilus and Cressida, we began our epic relationship. There were those times when we'd see each other almost every day. It's as if we couldn't get enough of one another. Passion fueled our hunger for one another.
However, it's time for me to move on without you. It was ok for us to be together when I was younger and had a taut, athletic body that glistened like Canola oil. But I've changed, Spicy Chicken, I've changed. I'm no longer that man you used to know. I've got a little pot belly now and my metabolism has slowed to crawl. The race against time has started and my body is crawling along like the Bataan Death March. So, as much as it hurts me to say, I'm afraid you're just not healthy for me. Our co-dependent relationship must finally come to an end. Otherwise, who knows what kind of tragic ending may befall us?
I can't believe I'll never see your succulent meat again. No more will I wipe your grease off my chin. Nor will I ever wake up again and feel the memory of your taste. It saddens me, Spicy Chicken, but I think this is the best move for both of us.
Remember...I'll always have a special place in my heart for you. Good luck with your life and all that the future brings. May you find someone who loved you as much as I.
Stay classy, Spicy Chicken. Stay classy.
FYI...BossLady and I started a hard-core diet and exercise plan a few weeks ago. We both used to be in great shape. However, the arrival of a certain unnamed baby has wreaked havoc on our bodies. So now, as we sit on our couch and chew lettuce, we talk about all the foods that we miss eating. We literally can play this game for hours. For a foodie like me, dieting is complete torture. The worst part? I haven't had a single glass of scotch in over two weeks!