It's a busy week here at Casa MetroDad. Posting may be a little light. However, as usual, I've got some random things on my mind so I thought I'd compress them all at once so the mental diarrhea doesn't back up my brain's internal septic tank.
DOES ANYONE HAVE AN ELMO BAND-AID? I HAVE A BOO-BOO ON MY KNEE.
Everyone is always talking about balancing work and family. Yet, nobody seems to talk about what happens when those two worlds collide. Over the past week, certain events have transpired at work that have made me realize that I have irreversibly crossed over into the world of parenthood:
1. I reached into my pocket at a meeting and pulled out a pacifier and a hair pin.
2. I took off my suit jacket, only to reveal a soggy Cheerio sticking to the collar of my shirt.
3. One of my clients dropped her briefcase and I actually said "uh-oh!" in a sing-song voice.
SHIT, I WONDER WHERE SHE LEARNED THAT!
Yesterday, my adorable, little 22-month-old daughter climbed up on the couch, leaned her head back, sighed deeply, stared blankly at the television, and then stuck her hand down the front of her diaper.
ARE YOU REALLY TOO DAMN LAZY TO SAY "EST" AND "ELAXATION"???
I hate it when people abbreviate words or turn phrases into acronyms. R & R, B & B, TTYL, and LOL? Whenever I see those, it drives me completely nuts. I bring this up because I still have a few friends who send me text messages on my cell phone. Whenever I get one, I almost always refuse to reply because, in doing so, I feel like a 14 year-old Japanese schoolgirl. Part of the problem may be due to the fact that I never understand the acronyms that people are using. I was meeting a friend for dinner last week and, while I was waiting at the bar for him, I received a message that said, "WRU? BRT." I immediately called him and asked what the fuck he was talking about. He explained that his message was short for "Where are you? Be right there."
I told him that if he ever sent me a text message like that again, I would SHCPUHA ("shove his cell phone up his ass!")
YUPPIE CHILD ENTERS LIFELONG APPRENTICESHIP - (Via Overheard in NY)
Little girl, reading children's book aloud: "Mariko is Japanese. She eats sushi."
Mom (pointing to picture): "But WE know that is actually sashimi!"
(overheard on the M86 crosstown bus)
BossLady and I left the Peanut with my parents last weekend. Since my folks don't really cook at home (ever since the "Boiled Turkey Incident of 1976"), they ended up taking the Peanut out to eat for every meal. Since the Peanut loves eating food (1) out of the garbage can, (2), off the floor, and (3) from the dog's dish, it's a well-established fact that she's a pretty indiscriminate eater and will eat almost anything. As it turns out, she ate extremely well with my parents. Over the course of 48 hours, she dined on steamed seabass, shu mai, shrimp in lobster sauce, agedashi tofu, eggs benedict, and large amounts of edamame.
Needless to say, BossLady and I were more than a little jealous. However, we were also worried that the Peanut was going to develop some sort of refined palette and become one of those obnoxiously precocious New York kids that always freak us out. Thankfully, the Peanut discovered my secret stash of beef jerky and pork rinds (two things for which I have an unnaturally healthy obsession) and has come to the conclusion that THEY ARE BETTER THAN CRACK COCAINE!!!
Seriously, she can't get enough of them. She's like a little Asian redneck. I can't wait to start feeding her possum, moon pies and Skoal!
MY FAVORITE IS "SHAKING HANDS WITH THE WOOKIE"
Where else but on the internet can you find a website that has 245,829,668 different euphemisms for masturbation?
NO, I'M NOT A DOCTOR. HOWEVER, I WATCH ONE ON TV!
The TV off-season kills me. Everything is either reruns or reality TV. I fucking can't stand reality shows. Aside from the fact they they insult my intelligence, I believe that watching them actually makes you dumber. Seriously, if you listen closely, you can hear your neurons dying a slow and painful death. How do the networks even come up with these ideas?
Personally, I've got a theory that TV execs sit in a big conference room just picking words out of a hat and forming random combinations. Voila! Instant ratings hit! I tried this at home and I came up with "Cheerleaders Bowling with Cats" and "America's Favorite Home Butchers." Shit, you know what? It fucking works! Call my agent!
Anyway, I was bemoaning the TV off-season recently and decided to watch an episode of "House." I can't believe none of you bitches told me about this show! It's fantastic! After one episode, I was completely hooked. So this weekend, when we were at Target and the BossLady wasn't looking, I slipped the Season One DVD under the 8 million rolls of toilet paper that we bought. Over the past 48 hours, I've watched 9 episodes. Aside from annoying the BossLady with my newfound medical knowledge and trying to convince her that I've got an extremely rare form of copper poisoning, I've also decided to start walking around with a cane. I think it'd be a cool accessory and would serve as a valuable deterrent to any would-be muggers on the subway.
WITH A REBEL YELL, SHE CRIED "MORE, MORE, MORE!"
I like a girl who knows what she wants and isn't afraid to ask for it.
And if my ambitions for the Peanut go according to the MetroDad Master PlanTM, I will have succeeded in raising a strong-willed, self-confident young woman who will never feel restrained by any limitations placed on her by society due to either her gender or race. If the Peanut ever encounters a glass ceiling, I fully expect her to kick the shit out of it. I want her to assert her rights as an individual, stand up for her personal liberties, and vociferously protect those who are less fortunate.
I tell you all of this because sometimes I need to remind myself that raising a future feminist can be infuriating.
From the moment she was born, the Peanut has always been incredibly independent and I've done everything possible to foster this independence. As much as I love cuddling with her, I don't coddle her or force her to abide by my schedule. Ever since she learned how to walk at the age of 9 months, I've tried to force myself to be patient as she explores everything in sight and expands her boundaries. Sometimes, it takes us 30 minutes to walk two blocks to the deli because she has to inspect every crack in the sidewalk, sniff every plant and high-five everyone on the block.
However, now that she can speak and verbalize her independence? Holy crap, it can get annoying at times!
She is not shy about making demands. Nor is she reluctant to refuse anything that she doesn't like. Therefore, the words that we hear from her most frequently are either, "More Now!" or "No, No, No!" Not only is the kid stubborn as a mule, she's got a frighteningly formidable willpower.
As much as I love my daughter, I refuse to give in to her tantrums. When she refuses to eat her dinner, I just stick her in the crib for the night. When she refuses to get out of the tub, I take out all her toys and pull the drain. When she throws a hissy fit at the playground, I wrestle her into the stroller and take her home.
That's right, my friends. The Terrible Twos have officially started.
Wish us luck.
Game on, girlfriend! Game on.