"I'm Not a Playa, I Just Gush a Lot!"*

Thanks for the concerned e-mails about my lack of blogging lately.  Things have been a little hectic here at Casa Metro.  For the past week, we've been on a massive Spring Cleaning kick.  Since BossLady and I are both completely OCD, we've being going a little nuts.  Even the dog is starting to look at us funny (probably because, in a moment of fatigue, I might have tried to Dyson him.)  Also, I've been getting killed from my allergies lately.  My nose seems to be alternating between complete congestion and total drippage.  My eyes are being stabbed with tiny little knives.  I'm waking up with sinus headaches.  And this admixture of Zyrtec, Allega D, and Benadryl doesn't seem to be doing anything.  To top it all off?  BossLady and I have been having renewed discussions about her career.  Although she loves her job, she feels like the whole work vs. family balancing act has swung entirely out of whack and that she's not getting enough time with the Peanut.  I couldn't agree more.  Now, we just have to figure out her exit strategy. 

We now return to our regularly scheduled programming... 

Dear Peanut,

Sometime in the future, you'll read this letter that I'm writing to you now.  Pay close attention because it may provide a brief glimpse of what your parents were like when you were only 18-months old.

I know it's hard for you to imagine your parents when they were in their 30's.  After all, Daddy is now the weird guy with smelly feet who stays up reading all night with a glass of scotch so he can harass you when you come home from an evening out with your friends.  Mommy is the crazy lady who goes to bed every night at 8:00 pm and is always telling you how to dress.  And both of us are always driving you nuts and giving you a hard time about everything (i.e. your studies, your friends, and your wardrobe.)  We seem like such buzz-kills, don't we? 

There was a time when your parents were much cooler, Peanut.  Hard to believe but it's true.  Before you were born, your mother and I used to have quite an active social life.  We would go to fun parties, attend Off-Broadway plays, check out new bands, chill out in cool lounges, and discover new restaurants.  After you were born, things slowed down quite a bit.  You were the only social life that we wanted to have.  From the moment you were born, everything else fell by the wayside and you become the amazing epicenter of our new lives.  We spent every moment of every day trying to figure out how to spend more time with you.  In all honesty, we couldn't have been happier. 

The transition into our new roles as DADDY & MOMMY took awhile.  I don't think we realized how far we'd come from our child-free days until fairly recently.       

Last week, we went to a dinner party for your Uncle Jimmy.  It was in a private room at his uber-hip NYC restaurant, La Esquina, and though the party was ostensibly to celebrate his birthday, it was also a chance to catch up with some of our old friends and ogle celebrities. 

Lindsay Lohan was there (you know her as the soft-porn actress on Cinemax but, in 2006, she was quite popular.)  Colin Farrell was there (this was years before he got gonorrhea, syphillis and lung cancer in the same month.)  Bridget Moynihan was there also (before she became Mrs. Tom Brady.)  And, after we left, we heard that Ed Norton showed up (the 5-time Academy Award winner was always one of Daddy's favorite actors.)

A lot of your friends' parents were with us that night also.  In total, there were 10 couples eating together and having a "big" night out on the town.  At the time, many of them were working in really interesting and diverse fields such as film, publishing, fashion, real estate, art and architecture.

Between the celebrities and the interesting group of friends, you'd think we'd spend the entire evening having lots of diverse and interesting conversations, wouldn't you? 

Nope.

All we could talk about was YOU!  And all everyone else could talk about was their kids.  I'd say that the VAST majority of all our conversations was about you and your little friends.  Mommy and Daddy talked about your ever-increasing vocabulary and your penchant for climbing.   Uncle Jimmy told us about how Little A is learning how to walk.  The Doctor relayed Junior's eating habits.  Aunt Sarah talked about E's funny faces.  Aunt Jennifer gave us updates on the twins and their trip to DisneyWorld.  Uncle David told us about Fi's insomnia.  Auntie Franny talked about getting Little C used to the idea of his new sibling's impending arrival. 

These conversations about you and all your friends went on all night.  It even got to the point where your mommy and I looked at each other and started talking about how much we missed you.  And even though we knew you were home sleeping soundly, we decided to come home early so we could just watch you lying peacefully in your crib.   So, that's what we did. 

Because even though it's fun going out and seeing all of our friends every once in awhile, we'd much rather spend all our free time with you.  Now that you're a teenager, it probably seems hard to believe but it's true, Peanut.  You've changed our lives in so many ways and we're so grateful for having you with us.  When we think about how much we love you, it brings tears to our eyes.

In our book, you're the coolest cat in town. 

Love,
Dad

*In coming up with the title of this post, I started thinking about other titles of songs that I could write if I were a rap star who dropped beats about parenting.  Here's my short list...

Crapper's Delight
Get Ya Nap On, Girl
Bitch Better Have My Binky!
Straight Outta Daycare
Nuthin' But an 'ABC' Thang
Pranksta Nation
Where The Potty At
A Hug's Life

Any other ideas?  Send 'em in.  I've got an extra copy of Ghostface Killah's new CD, "Fishscale" for the person with the most creative entry. (You're the odds-on favorite, GGC!)

P.S. Oh yeah, in case you were wondering...Lindsay Lohan really does have a freckled ass.  Bridget Moynihan wears leopard thong underwear.  Colin Farrell is a chain-smoker.  And Ed Norton likes shots of fine tequila. 

Comments

[Papa Bradstein]

You know that Peanut is going to roll her eyes and sigh when she's a teenager and she reads that you would "chill at clubs."

"C'mon, MetroDad," she'll say. "Chill is so turn of the century." Then she'll pat you on the head and ask for $50 for dinner.

OK, yours are by far the most funny, and forced me to explain to my boss what is so funny about my work--which is not at all funny. Most everything has been taken already, but here's a few:

from Salt 'N Poopa, there's the ever popular

Poop
Poopie doop
Poopie doopie doopie poop

We sing this to Barky while he's doing his thing. Yes, he hates us.

Then, as expectant parents, who watch 3B kickin' it in Mama's belly, there's the Beastie Babies

Baby movin'
Baby movin'
Ain't no bink, but my bink so soothin'

. . .3B with the master plan
I said ooh my my and thank you ma'am
And when I kick your ribs you scream ooh god damn

--which includes the too-easy section:
Bink on, I'm gone
I'm so sweet like a nice bon bon
Came out rapping when I was born
Mama said rock it 'til the break of dawn

Or, for the left coasters, NWA

F the parents
comin' straight from the playground
a young baby's got it bad
'cause my poop's not brown . . .
some parents think
they have the authority
because of their seniority

. . .well, it goes downhill--if that's possible--from there.

[Susie]

These are some of the most entertaining comments I've ever read! Thanks for helping me kill some time at work. I wish I could come up with something clever. Too bad I'm feeling brain dead today.

[Mike]

More (yes, more!) rap music to parent by:

For the first 90+ days, especially if you're a stay at home parent:
Fight to Shower, Public Enemy

For those breastfeeding and returning to work outside the home, I recommend:
Big Pumpin', Jay-Z

In general for toddlerhood:
No No No No, (Nelly's - Na Na Na Na)
Nose Diggity, Blackstreet

Three more for the potty training process (yikes, and it is a process):
Push Shit, Salt N Pepa
Poop! There It Is!, Tag Team

and please, by all means

Don't Believe They Wiped, Public Enemy

[June Cleaver Diaries]

And how do you know the Lindsay Lohan has a freckled ass? Was it out at the restaurant? Good Lord, that girl is a mess.

BTW, if you ever see Adrien Brody out somewhere, please remind him that he can only be my second husband if he quits dabbling in hip-hop and gets rid of those two yappy damn dogs.

[MainlineMom]

How 'bout

(It's Getting) "Wet In Here" Nelly
"03 Mommy and Clyde" Jay-Z
"Poop Yourself" Eminem

I could go on forever with this...

[METRODAD]

Thanks for playing, everyone! The winner is MIKE (who aside from sheer originality also won the prize based on sheer volume.) Congrats, Mike. The CD is in the mail. Hope it gives you some inspiration for some more rap titles!

[boat new ny show york]

My life's been completely unremarkable recently. I haven't been up to anything. I just don't have much to say. I've just been letting everything pass me by. Shrug. I don't care.

[hair]

I haven't been up to much lately. So it goes. What can I say? I've just been letting everything wash over me recently, not that it matters. I just don't have much to say these days.

Breast feeding for 10 - 15 minutes per breast 8 - 10 times every 24 hours is an ideal target. Crying is a sign of hunger, which means you should actually feed your baby before he starts crying. During the first few days, you may have to wake your baby to begin breast feeding, and he may end up falling asleep during feeding.

[Enlaliare]

An interesting discussion is worth comment. I think that you should write far more on this topic, it may well not be a taboo subject but generally people today are not enough to speak on such topics. To the next. Cheers

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