Thanks for the concerned e-mails about my lack of blogging lately. Things have been a little hectic here at Casa Metro. For the past week, we've been on a massive Spring Cleaning kick. Since BossLady and I are both completely OCD, we've being going a little nuts. Even the dog is starting to look at us funny (probably because, in a moment of fatigue, I might have tried to Dyson him.) Also, I've been getting killed from my allergies lately. My nose seems to be alternating between complete congestion and total drippage. My eyes are being stabbed with tiny little knives. I'm waking up with sinus headaches. And this admixture of Zyrtec, Allega D, and Benadryl doesn't seem to be doing anything. To top it all off? BossLady and I have been having renewed discussions about her career. Although she loves her job, she feels like the whole work vs. family balancing act has swung entirely out of whack and that she's not getting enough time with the Peanut. I couldn't agree more. Now, we just have to figure out her exit strategy.
We now return to our regularly scheduled programming...
Dear Peanut,
Sometime in the future, you'll read this letter that I'm writing to you now. Pay close attention because it may provide a brief glimpse of what your parents were like when you were only 18-months old.
I know it's hard for you to imagine your parents when they were in their 30's. After all, Daddy is now the weird guy with smelly feet who stays up reading all night with a glass of scotch so he can harass you when you come home from an evening out with your friends. Mommy is the crazy lady who goes to bed every night at 8:00 pm and is always telling you how to dress. And both of us are always driving you nuts and giving you a hard time about everything (i.e. your studies, your friends, and your wardrobe.) We seem like such buzz-kills, don't we?
There was a time when your parents were much cooler, Peanut. Hard to believe but it's true. Before you were born, your mother and I used to have quite an active social life. We would go to fun parties, attend Off-Broadway plays, check out new bands, chill out in cool lounges, and discover new restaurants. After you were born, things slowed down quite a bit. You were the only social life that we wanted to have. From the moment you were born, everything else fell by the wayside and you become the amazing epicenter of our new lives. We spent every moment of every day trying to figure out how to spend more time with you. In all honesty, we couldn't have been happier.
The transition into our new roles as DADDY & MOMMY took awhile. I don't think we realized how far we'd come from our child-free days until fairly recently.
Last week, we went to a dinner party for your Uncle Jimmy. It was in a private room at his uber-hip NYC restaurant, La Esquina, and though the party was ostensibly to celebrate his birthday, it was also a chance to catch up with some of our old friends and ogle celebrities.
Lindsay Lohan was there (you know her as the soft-porn actress on Cinemax but, in 2006, she was quite popular.) Colin Farrell was there (this was years before he got gonorrhea, syphillis and lung cancer in the same month.) Bridget Moynihan was there also (before she became Mrs. Tom Brady.) And, after we left, we heard that Ed Norton showed up (the 5-time Academy Award winner was always one of Daddy's favorite actors.)
A lot of your friends' parents were with us that night also. In total, there were 10 couples eating together and having a "big" night out on the town. At the time, many of them were working in really interesting and diverse fields such as film, publishing, fashion, real estate, art and architecture.
Between the celebrities and the interesting group of friends, you'd think we'd spend the entire evening having lots of diverse and interesting conversations, wouldn't you?
Nope.
All we could talk about was YOU! And all everyone else could talk about was their kids. I'd say that the VAST majority of all our conversations was about you and your little friends. Mommy and Daddy talked about your ever-increasing vocabulary and your penchant for climbing. Uncle Jimmy told us about how Little A is learning how to walk. The Doctor relayed Junior's eating habits. Aunt Sarah talked about E's funny faces. Aunt Jennifer gave us updates on the twins and their trip to DisneyWorld. Uncle David told us about Fi's insomnia. Auntie Franny talked about getting Little C used to the idea of his new sibling's impending arrival.
These conversations about you and all your friends went on all night. It even got to the point where your mommy and I looked at each other and started talking about how much we missed you. And even though we knew you were home sleeping soundly, we decided to come home early so we could just watch you lying peacefully in your crib. So, that's what we did.
Because even though it's fun going out and seeing all of our friends every once in awhile, we'd much rather spend all our free time with you. Now that you're a teenager, it probably seems hard to believe but it's true, Peanut. You've changed our lives in so many ways and we're so grateful for having you with us. When we think about how much we love you, it brings tears to our eyes.
In our book, you're the coolest cat in town.
Love,
Dad
*In coming up with the title of this post, I started thinking about other titles of songs that I could write if I were a rap star who dropped beats about parenting. Here's my short list...
Crapper's Delight
Get Ya Nap On, Girl
Bitch Better Have My Binky!
Straight Outta Daycare
Nuthin' But an 'ABC' Thang
Pranksta Nation
Where The Potty At
A Hug's Life
Any other ideas? Send 'em in. I've got an extra copy of Ghostface Killah's new CD, "Fishscale" for the person with the most creative entry. (You're the odds-on favorite, GGC!)
P.S. Oh yeah, in case you were wondering...Lindsay Lohan really does have a freckled ass. Bridget Moynihan wears leopard thong underwear. Colin Farrell is a chain-smoker. And Ed Norton likes shots of fine tequila.
No Sleep 'til Brookl.. NEVER!!
Posted by: Twosox | May 03, 2006 at 12:06 PM
Totally share your pain, MD. Our whole house got hit with bad allergies this week. It's the worst. Medicine doesn't help me either. Have you tried allergy shots?
Rap song entry..."Holla at Yo Mama!"
Posted by: Phillip | May 03, 2006 at 12:32 PM
Here are some by the groups that should record them if you fail to land a record-deal:
"Fight for your right to potty" - Beastie Boys
"My diaper's gonna knock you out" - LL Cool J
Yeah... I have nothing...
Posted by: Kemp | May 03, 2006 at 12:39 PM
What a lovely letter MD. You are an amazing writer.
Here's my entry:
"Can't You Control Yo Nanny"
Posted by: Alison | May 03, 2006 at 01:14 PM
You're so right about The Lohan, MD! I totally could see her on Skinemax in 10 years!
Here's a rap song for you...
"Funky Cold Medela"
Posted by: Michael T. | May 03, 2006 at 01:19 PM
Oooooh. Lemme think (pressure!) I have been toying with the next YO GGC Rap: (thanks for the link, btw)
SAHbatoge? (Beastie Boys) This appeals to all parents that stay at home.
and how about?
"Today was a Good Daycare?" (dah, dah, dah, daaaah)
Poop Diaper... Loooooog (Snoop, as in Snoop Doggy Dogg) Okay, that's kind of a stretch. And gross. I'm like, five years old at heart.
(The) Choo-Train Clan Aint Nothin to Fuck With (that might not sell because of the "f word")
How about Titty instead of Paperboy's, "Ditty"? Ahem... for instance... "Babyboy and the titty" but this would only work for boy's parents.
For a girl: (not really rap persay but...) My Bottle's so Boobylicious!) Destiny's Child aka Desitin's Child.
I'm going to have to stop here before I run out of ideas for my own rapz... Wooo! I hope I didn't let you down.
Posted by: | May 03, 2006 at 01:21 PM
I love the letter. It is painful to think ahead another 10 years and realize that your kids are going to think you're a monster-dork.
"Cr-Crap it Out!"--Beastie Boys
"No Binky, No Cry"--Bob Marley
Posted by: misfithausfrau | May 03, 2006 at 01:23 PM
Shoot! I got so trigger happy I forgot to add my info. That was me up there ^ . Hee.
Posted by: GIRLS GONE CHILD | May 03, 2006 at 01:23 PM
Loved your parenting rap titles. "Crapper's Delight" had me laughing out loud!!!
Posted by: Leora | May 03, 2006 at 01:29 PM
Um, yeah--Bob Marley--not a rapper.
Posted by: misfithausfrau | May 03, 2006 at 01:33 PM
"Napper's Paradise"
I don't listen to much beyond Sesame Street and American Idol nowadays...
I was cracking up over your "predictions" for the listed celebrities!
Posted by: Deanna | May 03, 2006 at 01:38 PM
I'm in love with a stripper. I don't even have to change it. My 2 1/2 year old strips down butt naked several times a day. Just you wait.
On another note, I'm SO happy to hear that you talk about kids when you are out at cool clubs. I often think of how fun it would be to meet you and the BossLady on one of my NY trips, but I thought your witty conversation might be out of my league. Now I realize I might actually have the upper hand :)
Posted by: Mega Mom | May 03, 2006 at 03:09 PM
I`m lucky. I was NEVER cool, so I have NOTHING to prove to my kids.
"Before I was your mama, I was....someone who spent my weekends reading and reorganizing the contents of the kitchen cabinets."
Posted by: L. | May 03, 2006 at 03:20 PM
Good Lord MD. Ed Norton? Lindsay Lohan? For goodness sakes man. How connected are you?
And yes, it's amazing what parenthood does us.
Posted by: Motherhood Uncensored | May 03, 2006 at 03:26 PM
Lest anyone get the wrong impression, the aforementioned "celebs" weren't dining with us. They just happened to be partying at the restaurant that night. I'm sure if any of them had heard the conversation at OUR dinner table, they would have left immediately.
When you're young and single, I can't imagine there's anything more annoying than hearing married people talk about their babies all night!
Posted by: METRODAD | May 03, 2006 at 03:39 PM
MetroDad, great post. Where to begin with your hysterical rapper/parent mashup idea? How about these, inspired by my 2+ year old. Ah, yes, the soundtrack of our lives:
O.P.P. (other people's playthings), by appropriately enough, Naughty By Nature.
"Who's down with O.P.P.? Every last baby..."
P.O.T.T.Y. , Queen Latifah
Wipe Ya' Ass, Mystikal
Don't Touch That, Hammer
Snot Off Your Shoulder, Jay-Z
Me So Ornery, 2 Live Crew
Goin' Back to Mommy, LL Cool J
and maybe even one for your clearly adored Stinky Butt:
Ass Funky, Beastie Boys
and finally, the universal plea of many a BossLady (especially mine!) out there after a long day with "the music of our lives"
Take This Mutha Out!, Hammer
Posted by: Mike | May 03, 2006 at 03:44 PM
Ah, the cool days -- I've been thinking of crafting a similar letter for Vampbaby - not just so he knows, but so we remember!
rap song:
"It's Hard out here without a Bib" (sung to the tune of the song that won the oscar this year...
Posted by: Multymfoiled | May 03, 2006 at 03:53 PM
"In Da Crib" (50 Cent)
"Fear of a Black Diaper" (P. Enemy)
"We Just Wanna Potty Wit You" (Snoop)
Posted by: Mateo | May 03, 2006 at 04:03 PM
You? Are a freak.
"Mama Said Nuk You Out"
Posted by: landismom | May 03, 2006 at 04:20 PM
I'm so glad you wrote this! We were out to dinner with friends last week also and everyone spent the whole night talking about their kids. Halfway through the evening, we even started joking about how all we were doing was talking about our kids. And then? We went right back to talking about our kids.
We all did have something to say before children, right?
Posted by: Lois | May 03, 2006 at 04:27 PM
What a sweet letter! And I love the raps, too--yours and the ones in the comments, yo.
Posted by: Amy | May 03, 2006 at 04:43 PM
Sweet post! But where's the pic of you La Lohan?
Posted by: Lucinda | May 03, 2006 at 04:44 PM
LOVE your rap songs and celebrity predictions! Sorry about your feet, however...
Posted by: politically incorrect mom | May 03, 2006 at 04:47 PM
Man, celebrity gossip and wonderful parenting writing in a single post. Could it get any better?
I wonder how it will sound to our kids in 10-15 years when we tell them, "Honey, when you were just a little Peanut, mommy/daddy was a blogger."
Posted by: Asha | May 03, 2006 at 04:55 PM
These are weak... but, I can't resist the chance to make an ass out of myself!
"It's all about the breastfeedin'"
"This is how we poo it"
"Can't live without my binky"
"The Next Movement"
"The Gas Face"
(granted I didn't change anything on the last two, but they apply...)
Posted by: tpon | May 03, 2006 at 05:21 PM
Milky Cereal--LL Cool J (as is)
It Takes Two--MC Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock (as is)
Poop (Shoop)--Salt N Pepa
Follow the Feeder (Leader)--Eric B. and Rakim (ode to the breastfeeding mama)
Big Poppa--Notorious B.I.G. (as is)
Bitch Better Have My Bottle (Money)--AMG
Child (Wild) Thing--Tone Loc
Nothin' But a Pee (G) Thang--Dr. Dre
and who could forget:
"Bug-a-boo" by Destiny's Child
Posted by: CityMama | May 03, 2006 at 05:48 PM
Great post, I really hope you save it for her.
I don't think mine qualifies as good music, but the first thing that came to my mind was, If you give a moose a blow job.
Sorry.
Posted by: Melissa | May 03, 2006 at 06:38 PM
If you're talking about Edward Norton, then I bet he likes his fine tequila thanks to Salma Hayek's influence.
Oh, and I went to La Esquina last summer, I remember their white sangria being pretty good, and the tequila list was the longest I've ever seen.
As for your rap song title... The only thing I could come up with was Get Your Sleep, Hon, a variation on 'Get Your Freak On' by no other than Missy Elliott. Hope the Peanut is not a reluctant sleeper!
Posted by: euphrosynely | May 03, 2006 at 08:31 PM
I can't get past "Straight
Outta Daycare"...
Nah...I got nuthin'.
Great post - hope you are feeling better.
Posted by: IFLYG | May 03, 2006 at 08:53 PM
How the hell do you come up with this stuff? It's hilarious. Between your post and the comments, I'm laughing my ass off. Wish I was creative enough to even come up with something.
Sigh...I'm not.
Posted by: Anne | May 03, 2006 at 10:39 PM
What a great letter!
As for song titles, my brain ain't workin right today. Somethin about trying to function on 4 hours of sleep just ain't cuttin it.
But my girl, Mary J. Blige always comes through. Two of my favorites, "No More Drama" and "Enough Cryin" while not clever names for a post, seem to say it all as far as daughters are concerned.
Posted by: sweatpantsmom | May 03, 2006 at 11:09 PM
peanut's instinctive travels - obviously
Posted by: bitemycookie | May 03, 2006 at 11:20 PM
Nothin' but a B thang baaaby...
Posted by: rwc | May 03, 2006 at 11:46 PM
So many Outkast song titles are already baby-ready (So Freshm So Clean; Toilet Tisha; She Lives in My Lap), but the one I'd suggest is: We Luv Deez Toes.
Posted by: nonlineargirl | May 04, 2006 at 12:06 AM
Okay, one more rap, to be played at 1 am when the little one wakes up screaming from a 2nd molar eruption:
The Tooth Is On Fire, by the Bloodhoung Gang
The tooth, the tooth, the tooth is on fiyaaah
We don't need no Advil, let the muthafucka GUM
Gum muthafucka, GUM!
Posted by: Mike | May 04, 2006 at 12:15 AM
Okay, I don't think I'm cool enough to hang with the crowd, but I'll give it a go.
Rice Rice Baby (Vanilla Ice all the way)
Face Down, Ass Up (no need to change it)
Maybe if I weren't the 30-something post I'd be a bit more creative but all the sweet ones are taken. I was laughing out loud, man. You all are brilliant.
Anywho, MD your post reminded me of an episode of Mad About You where Paul makes a video tape for his daughter when she's only weeks old, for her to watch on her 18th birthday. Very sweet. Very touching. Your love for your daughter is amazing; thank you so much for sharing it. Your ladies are quite lucky.
Posted by: samantha Jo Campen | May 04, 2006 at 12:49 AM
How about "Where you at, Boobiephat" 50 Cent
As for the allergy thing, hate to ask but... have you changed your pillows lately? You should buy new pillows every couple of years, and wash them in HOT water to kill the dust mites. Also buy those mite-proof pillow cases to put on under your linens. And if you haven't put a dust mite wrap on your mattress, do it tomorrow. But first, take your dyson and vacuum the hell out of your mattress and get as much dust out of it as you can. If the head of your bed isn't raised up, allowing your sinuses to drain properly and not to pool snot at the back of our throat (gross), get two big manhatten phone books and put under the head of your bedposts.
Lastly, and yes, it's kinda disgusting, but go to your local Walgreens and get a saline nasel wash and clean out your sinuses before you go to bed and in the morning. It SO helps.
Pollen just throws you out of whack, but the more you deal with your bedding, the better you can handle the rest of the allergy seaason.
Posted by: margalit | May 04, 2006 at 01:33 AM
no matter how hard we try, our kids will still think we are old fogies!!!
Posted by: chocolate makes it better | May 04, 2006 at 02:22 AM
Dear Daddy
Who knew what saddo losers you and Mom turned into once you had me? All parents get like that! What is the big deal anyway? I mean... parenting's so easy right?
Love Almond
Would you pU-Lease stop calling me peanut...it's like soooooooo embarassing!
Posted by: Tori | May 04, 2006 at 03:44 AM
"Let's talk about poop baby" Salt n Peppa
"Boobie time" MC Hammer
"Baby Got poop" (Baby got back)
That is it for me
Posted by: Katherine NYC | May 04, 2006 at 08:59 AM
I think most raps songs have been covered.
Hey Metro Dad.
Posted by: William | May 04, 2006 at 10:25 AM
I think you might have the cleverest readers in the blogosphere, MD. These comments had me cracking up. Me? I got nothing.
Posted by: ryan | May 04, 2006 at 11:32 AM
For your sinus, u could try acupuncture. It helps a lot. But I don't know if u can find it in new york. Anyway, if u do acupuncture, u only need to do it once a wk, for abt 6 mths, b4 it's suitably cured. Btw,only the acupuncture needles used for beauty treatment are painless. (the short and thin ones)All needles are sterilised, vacuumed, and individually packed.Don't trust those which aren't.
Posted by: Yueqing | May 04, 2006 at 12:06 PM
Metro, you eventually get some of that social life back and enjoy a little time away from the offspring. How lucky that you're saving all this now though. You can torture Peanut when he is a teen by forcing him to read your blog archives. Bwahaha, see? Being a parent of a teen is even more fun. ;-)
Posted by: Grins | May 04, 2006 at 12:17 PM
I'm just not hip enough to come up with a rap title... but I am super jealous about Ed Norton. I think he's our generation's Bobby DeNiro.
Posted by: Mama Nabi | May 04, 2006 at 12:29 PM
Please tell me you made up the freckles and the thong?! Please. I just don't want to visualize the scene where those items became public knowledge...
Love the predictions and the song titles! Brilliant, as always.
Posted by: OTRgirl | May 04, 2006 at 01:10 PM
100 feet and Crawlin' - NWA
My (New) Robeez - Run DMC
Bring Tha Toyz - P.E.
O.T. (Original Toddler) - Ice T
My Cryin' Ain't Done - LL Cool J
5-Piece Chicken Nugget Dinner - Beastie Boys
Nuthin' But a Pee Thang - Dr. Dre
Children's Story - Slick Rick The Entertainer (for pure scared straight effect)
Early in the A.M. - 3rd Bass
Al'z A-B-Ceez - 3rd Bass (good way to learn it - not safe for school, tho')
Elementary (School) - B.D.P.
3 Feet Tall and Growing - De La Soul
Posted by: Mr. Big Dubya | May 04, 2006 at 01:20 PM
Oo, the comments are as entertaining a read as your entry today!
Posted by: Emily | May 04, 2006 at 01:32 PM
You know entirely too much about Hollywood, MD!
Posted by: Queen of Ass | May 04, 2006 at 02:44 PM
Don't worry--by the time the Peanut gets to be in her thirties, she'll think you're cool again.
Posted by: Ten Feet of Steel | May 04, 2006 at 04:34 PM