WHERE EVERY BABY'S FIRST WORDS ARE "YES, BUT IT'S A DRY HEAT!"
BossLady and I were out in Scottsdale this weekend for a wedding. We left the Peanut at home so we could have three days of adult-oriented fun. Our hotel room had black-out shades and, on Saturday, we slept in until noon, ordered room service and watched cheesy movies all afternoon on TV. It was like a stroll down memory lane. I almost forgot we ever had a child. The only downside was the heat. I think I burned my ass on the leather car seat. Not only that but I could have sworn I saw more than a few people driving their cars with oven mitts on. Oy fucking vey! How does anyone live there?
UNEXPECTED BONUS OF NOT HAVING A CHILD FOR THE WEEKEND
As much as I love spending time with BossLady and the Peanut, there
are times when I'm glad it's just me and the missus. One of those times is
when we're eating Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. Or munching on Kit Kats.
Did you ever notice how there are very few candy bars divisible by
three? It's a huge conspiracy concoted by the Trilateral Commission (rumor has it that Michael Moore is doing a documentary on the subject.)
Most of the time, someone get shafted and usually that person is me. (By
the way, did you know that Kit Kats are HUGE in Japan? The first time
I went to Tokyo, I couldn't believe how many different versions there
were: passion fruit, green tea, vanilla, cappucino. Why don't we have
those over here? We invented Kit Kats, dammit! Sigh...I guess it's
true. The Japanese just take everything we invent and make it better.
NOT JUST A CREME-FILLED WAFER BUT A HIT SONG TOO!
A few weeks ago, we bought the Peanut a set of musical instruments. The instruments are so cute, it's ridiculous. Anyway, when we got home, we all sat down on the floor together. I grabbed the triangle, BossLady was on the tamborine, and Peanut had the moroccas. In my best raspy rock-and-roll voice, I jumped up on the couch and yelled out, "One. Two. One, Two, Three, Four...hit it!" Without even thinking about it, my lovely wife instinctively started melodically singing, "Gimme a break, gimme a break, break me off a piece of that Kit Kat bar!" Hah! And I wonder where the Peanut gets her sweet tooth!
TALES FROM THE SEA
Enough about the Kit Kats. In other gastronomical news, a restaurant opened up near our apartment that only serves fish and chips. I pass by it every day but all I can think about is what kind of fish is used in a fish stick? Do they use only one kind of fish or do they mash up different types of fish together and then fry the shit out of it? Isn't that kind of disturbing? Does anyone else besides me even care about this? No? Yeah, that's what I thought.
BANTERING WITH THE TEENAGE DEMOGRAPHIC
Recently, I was at a food court and, for some bizarre reason, the BBQ eatery was selling fresh-baked muffins. There was a teenage girl working behind the counter. The following is the extent of our conversation...
ME: How are the blueberry muffins?
GIRL: They're awesome!
ME: You're not just saying that because it's noon and you've got a quota to fill?
ME: Nothing. It's just weird that you sell muffins. Did the bakery next door go belly up?
GIRL: What bakery?
ME: Forget it. I'll take one. Which hot sauce would you recommend? What goes well with blueberry?
GIRL: Umm. I don't think I would put hot sauce on a muffin.
ME: Really? I hear that's what all the crazy kids are doing these days! Puts hair on your chest!
GIRL: Yeah, um. Whatever.
God, I CANNOT WAIT until my daughter is a teenager so I can embarass her in front of her friends on a daily basis. It's going to be so totally awesome!
EST-CE QUE JE REVE?
Speaking of kids, I think BossLady wants another one. Lately, she's
had a mild case of "Baby Fever." I can see it in her eyes and hear it
in her voice. Remember when you were single and dated that punk rock
chick with 20 tattoos? Remember how you could smell the crazy and see the madness in her eyes? Well, I'm noticing a
similar thing with the BossLady. Anytime she sees a newborn baby, she
gets this gooey look in her eyes and starts twitching a little. I'm
not entirely sure I'm ready for another baby right now but the BossLady
is one determined woman. The other night, I thought I woke up in the middle of
the night and saw her on top of me. She claims that I was dreaming but it sure seemed real.
BIGGIE, BIGGIE, BIGGIE, CAN'T YOU SEE? SOMETIMES YOUR RHYMES JUST HYPNOTIZE ME!
I don't know about you guys but I'm absolutely addicted to youtube.com. I'm assuming it's only a matter of time before the site gets shut down for posting unlicensed content. Meanwhile, you can find some fantastic stuff on the site (especially rare bootleg concert videos). One of the coolest things I've discovered so far (via Gothamist) is this clip of Biggie freestyling in front of a Bed-Stuy bodega when he was only 17 years old (3 years before he met Sean Combs, 5 years before "Juicy" was released, and sadly, only 8 years before he passed away.) There's something very sad and sweet about watching this clip.
A few other cool clips from youtube:
If you've found anything cool on youtube, let me know so I can check it out.
SELL, MORTIMER, SELL! THE DUKES ARE GOING UNDER!
That venerable record of world finance and capitalistic domination, the Wall Street Journal, is slumming it today and is featuring an article on Daddy Bloggers. I think it's the last place that I ever expected to see this site mentioned. However, I'm honored to be there along with fellow dads Greg, Chag, and rebeldad. Check out the article online here.
DON'T WORRY. THE DROOL & THE BOOGERS ARE JUST FROM ALL THE CHEWING TOBACCO.
It's Opening Day for Major League Baseball and my Mets are kicking off the season at home today. It's been a long offseason but the great thing about Opening Day is that everyone starts off at .500. Having spent the first two years of my life living in the squallid shadow of Shea Stadium, I've been a die-hard Mets fan since birth. Here's to hoping that this year I'll be able to take the Peanut to the Mets championship parade in October!