MetroDad

The Sixes!

I've been trilaterally tagged by Kemp, BigDubya & kristied to do a meme revealing "6 Weird Things About Me That I Haven't Blogged About Before."

Now, the "weird" part is pretty easy.  In many ways, my weirdness knows no bounds.  On the other hand, I think I've already confessed a lot of my idiosyncrasies to all of you before.  Let's see. To date, I've admitted drinking my wife's breast milk, sending live farm animals to friends, getting high with the dog, and lying to the BossLady about my SAT scores.  I've told you that I often walk down the street singing songs from "Free To Be You & Me" to myself, that I've got a deep-seeded phobia of hairy babies and that I've got an unhealthy obsession with Diet Coke and Citrucel.  What else is there left for me to tell you?

As I've said on the site before, I'm not trying to win a popularity contest here.  I don't use this site to impress readers and I don't really care about getting more traffic.  Like most blogs, this is just my little corner of the internet where I can hang out and shoot the shit with all of you.  I like to think that we're all good friends here so, if you're in this for the long haul, I thought you might want to know more about the REAL me...warts and all.  Therefore, with that in mind, I thought I'd slightly alter the meme and reveal...

Six Totally Embarrassing Things About Myself That I've Never Mentioned Before...

1. I'm obsessed with my hair. When I was younger, I had great hair.  Women wanted to touch it.  Men wanted to have it.  I treated my hair like a precious commodity, using only the finest Kiehls tea tree oils.  Remember that "Seinfeld" episode where George becomes a hand model and starts wearing oven mitts everywhere he goes?  Well, I was kind of like that with my hair.  But then, a funny thing started happening to my hair---I started losing it!  Panic set in.  It was like watching your favorite apple tree start to atrophy.  I went to some of NYC's top hair loss specialists and they told me that, for various reasons, I wasn't a suitable candidate for transplantation.  Finally, The Doctor started me on a combination of Propecia and Rogaine.  I've been using the combo for about 9 months now and not only has my hair loss stopped but a lot of it has grown back.  If my hair were in the hospital, I'd say that we're out of the ICU and are taking things day-by-day.  Praise the Lord!

2. I'm terrified of roller coasters, spiders and rats. Mortally terrified.  Like pee-in-my-pants and squeal-like-a-little-girl terrified.  I don't know where the fear of roller coasters came from.  I'm somewhat of an adrenaline freak and love skiing off cliffs or bombing down triple diamond slopes.   But I think I'm somewhat of a control freak also.  I don't trust the maintenance guys who operate roller coasters and always think I'm going to be the one whose seat doesn't operate properly. The fear of spiders comes from the Brady Bunch episode when they're in Hawaii and Peter wakes up to a giant tarantula on his chest. The night I watched that episode, a spider crawled into my ear while I was sleeping.  Totally freaked me out.  As for my fear of rats?  It comes from when I was very young and a giant NYC subway rat crawled over my feet while I was wearing flip flops.  I still shudder when thinking about the incident. 

3. I hate anything sticky.  Totally grosses me out.  Popsicles, wet sand, jelly donuts, spilled sodas, or gum. If any of that shit touches my skin, I have to wash my hands repeatedly.  It's got to be some weird OCD thing.   I hate it.  Makes me feel like Rainman.

4. Every time I go to the movies, I have to pee. I don't know what's wrong with me.  When the BossLady forces me to sit down for our annual 5-hour BBC "Pride and Prejudice" marathon, I don't have to pee once.  I can drink 4 pints of beer at a Mets game and not leave my seat a single time.  But there's something about physically being in the movie theater that shrinks my bladder to the size of a pea.  Whenever BossLady and I go to the movies, I always have to sit in the aisle seat because, at some point (usually during the most climactic scene), I know I'm going to have to take a leak (or two.)  Weird, annoying, and totally embarrassing.

5. I like chick flicks.  I can't believe I'm admitting this here but it's true.  Except for the sappy ones (like "Beaches" or "Prince of Tides,") I'm always down for watching a good old-fashioned chick flick.  Mostly, I'm a sucker for romantic comedies. I think "Love Actually" and "Say Anything" are two of my favorite films of all-time.  And if the chick flick is a tearjerker like "Love Story," "The Joy Luck Club," or "An Affair to Remember"?  Well, shit...pass the bon bons and hand me the Kleenex!  (God, I'm such a wuss! Hey, how about those fucking Mets?)      

6. My feet smell like ass.  Maybe it's from the 8 Diet Cokes I drink on a daily basis but my feet can smell downright putrid sometimes.  I mitigate the smell by using Odor Eaters insoles, dusting baby powder in my shoes, and washing my feet five times a day.  But if I didn't do those things, I swear you'd smell my feet from the next subway car over.  Sometimes, we'll be sitting on the couch and BossLady will turn to me and say, "Dude.  Your feet reek like ten men!"  I usually reply back with, "Are you sure it's not your upper lip, honey?"  But then, I'll hang my head, retreat to the bathroom and wash my puppies for the 6th time that day. 

So, basically, I guess I'm just admitting to all of you that I'm a self-absorbed wuss with OCD, a small bladder, and smelly feet.  Great!  Aren't you glad I shared all of this stuff with you? Man, I'm so glad I started this blog.  Anyone out there still reading this? 

Oh well...some day, the Peanut's going to love reading all this stuff about her dad.  I guess, when we're battling it out during her teenage years, it'll make me seem more human.  Hopefully, I won't be passing any of this weirdness on to her. 

Yeah, right!

Chilled-Out Parenting: A Manifesto for a New America

I'm sick of the hater-players, bring on the regulators
With the flavors like a farm team fucking with the majors
You runnin your mouth, but don't really know what you be talkin about
You should retire, get that complimentary watch, be out!
-Mos Def & Talib Kweli

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Whenever I travel overseas, I strive to learn from my experiences and take home lessons that might not otherwise be absorbed.  For example, on my recent trip to Vietnam, I discovered quite a bit about both myself and the natural world around us.  Like what, you may ask? 

1. It's possible to sweat so much that you don't have to pee for 6 days. 
2. Scooters can safely carry 5 people at a time. 
3. Most Vietnamese never saw "Platoon" or "Apocalypse Now" but they LOVED "Finding Nemo."
4. Even when dubbed in Vietnamese, the TV show "Joey" still sucks ass!
5. The locals don't think it's funny when you yell out, "all pho one and one pho all!" before every meal.  (They also don't think it's funny when you keep saying, "pho, pho, pho!")

Anyway...whenever I go on one of my 3rd world journeys, I always return back to the U.S. with a renewed sense of appreciation for how easy our lives are here.  Sure, we do our best to make things as complicated as possible but if we just sat back and reflected on our great fortune, I think we'd realize how much we can learn from those who have far less.

I bring this all up because, upon my return to the U.S., I started catching up on all the posts I missed on Blogging Baby  and the other 5 millions parenting blogs I read on a daily basis.  Man, I couldn't believe all the hating I was seeing out there.  It's one thing to disagree with someone else but it's another thing to attack them personally.  People criticizing Tertia's motherhood choices?  Busting on my boy Dutch? Attacking Kristen personally because she's against leashing her kids?  Mocking Dooce's battle with depression?

Everyone needs to chill the fuck out!  So someone chooses to raise their kid differently than you, what's the big deal?  With everything going on in the world, it seems a little absurd to be so critical, doesn't it? 

Personally, I think all of these so-called parenting controversies are really just symptomatic of people having too much free time on their hands.  Most people around the world are just worried about putting food on their table, giving their kids a good education and ensuring for their family's safety.  Somehow, here in the U.S., we've decided that EVERY aspect of raising a child is a life-or-death controversy that needs to be seriously addressed.  On closer inspection, I really don't see why many of these issues are controversial at all. 

Let's take a look at a few of them, shall we? 

Breastfeeding
I never understood the controversy about breastfeeding.  BossLady really wanted to breastfeed the Peanut and personally I didn't really care one way or the other.  I was never breastfed.  Neither was my buddy, The Doctor, and as he's fond of saying,  "I wasn't breast-fed and look how fucking brilliant and well-adjusted I am!"  Me?  I think the best reason for breastfeeding is solely taste.  I tried my wife's milk and thought it tasted like melted ice cream.  On the other hand, formula almost made me puke!

Nursing in Public
When did we become so puritanical?  Don't people understand that women aren't nursing in public just to show off their engorged breasts?  They're feeding their kids!  People need to stop being so judgemental and leave nursing mothers alone.  You say you're morally offended by seeing a woman's breasts in public?  Then don't look!  Personally?  I'm morally offended by baggy jeans, coin slots, ass chaps, sideways baseball caps and Birkenstocks.  So I'll tell you what.  You join me in fighting for a universal dress code, and I'll join you in banning women from baring their breasts in public.    
 
Sleep Training
Why do people care how other people sleep train their kids?  Do you really think parents who let their kids "cry it out" are evil people?  Do you really believe that parents who choose to co-sleep are self-deluding idiots?  Get off your high-horses and go on with your bad selves!  I'm sure everyone wants to get a good night of sleep, don't they?  Does anyone really choose to be sleep deprived?  The fact of the matter is that some kids are good sleepers and others aren't.  Sometimes, there's just nothing you can do.  No real need to criticize another parent's methods. 

Potty Training
Parents need to stop freaking out about whether their kid is potty trained or not.  I hear mothers in the playground stressing out about this all the time and criticizing one another's approaches.  Let me ask you something.  How many adults do you know now who aren't toilet trained? (ok...aside from Fergie.) There are probably a bunch of ways to toilet train your kid.  Want to use bribes?  Shame him into using the toilet?  Forcefully take away his diapers?  Be my guest!  Sooner or later, the kid will figure it out. 

Television
As many of you know, I don't allow the Peanut to watch television.  It's not a big deal or anything.  I just tend to agree with studies showing that television provides no educational benefit for children under the age of two.  I'd rather have the Peanut sit on my lap so we can read together.  Surprisingly, friends of mine are incredulous about my anti-television stance and some will even argue with me about how much their kids learn from television.  Personally?  I don't really give a shit what their kids learn from television.  It's called choice, my friends!!!  It's what makes this country great!

Baby Einstein
Logic follows that I also don't let Peanut watch the Baby Einstein videos.  However, I will admit that we have quite a collection of BE DVDs in our apartment.  Sometimes, I just wish I was childless again so I could invite a few friends over, take some mushrooms and spend the weekend staring at all the psychedelic images.  The fact that this is even a controversial issue at all shows how short-sighted we've all become.  It's just a kid's video, people!  Chill. 

Materialism and Consumerism
I totally respect people who choose not to shop at big-box chain stores or purchase petroleum-based toys for their kids.  Personally, I've always been a big fan of consumerism.  If a plastic doll at Wal-Mart makes my daughter happy and puts a big smile on her face?  Shit, I'll take two.  And wrap them up in some non-recyclable plastic bags while you're at it, will you?  As sweatpants mom wrote in a brilliant post recently, "even though we live green, we can still effectively contribute to the global landfill.  And boring PC toys are really no match for anything that lights up, spins around and spews soap bubbles out of a spinning princess hat."  As always, one man's junk is another man's treasure.  Is this really worthy of controversy or antagonism? 

We make life so complicated sometimes, I'm surprised parents from other countries don't laugh at us.  Maybe they don't know the depths of our modern depravity but these so-called controversies are really just high-class problems.  No need to be hating on other parents.  Really.  Can't we all just get along? 

As my man Jay-Z says, "sensitive thugs, y'all need hugs."  So c'mon, bitches.  Let's be like Piven and hug this shit out!

 

Things Being An Uncle Has Taught Me (by MetroBro)

MetroDad was laid up in bed all of last week, semi-convinced that he had either contracted avian flu or got some rare disease from sitting on a dirty toilet seat in Hanoi.  Thankfully, it appears he just had some sort of flu that he must have picked up on the plane.  However, since he's still slowly recuperating, he asked me, MetroBro, to do a guest post.  Here's a quick one on what I've learned from being an uncle...


1. BABIES DON'T BOUNCE
...They bruise! And then certain "grown-ups" get all pissy and spiteful about it.

2. SHOW AND PROVE
When trying to show your sensitive side to girls, a photo of your niece is as good as a puppy on a leash. True, a puppy on a leash draws more attention on the street. But then again, you can't take puppies into bars and strip clubs. 

(I haven't tried the niece-on-a-leash thing yet.)

3. CARRY I.D. AT ALL TIMES
The eminent 16th-century French blogger ("frogger") Montaigne writes:

"Herodotus tells of a certain district of Libya where men lie with women indiscriminately, but where, once a child can toddle, it recognizes its own father out of the crowd, natural instincts guiding its first footsteps. There are frequent mistakes, I believe."

Oh, I believe too, frogger. Call me paranoid but I sometimes think the Peanut mistakes me for MetroDad. There are days when she sees me and I can tell she's thinking, "Hey, you're the guy who was here last weekend! We had a good time, didn't we? Gimme a hug, then we'll make the silly noises again." Other days her expression reads more like, "Wow, how did Da-da change his clothes and cut his hair so quickly?" 

(She thinks we "all look alike," maybe? Racist!)

4. CARRY PHOTO I.D. AT ALL TIMES, AND CLEARLY STATE THE DATE AND TIME OF YOUR LAST VISIT
Sometimes it's as if she doesn't recognize me at all. It's actually like a little kick in the heart when she hits me with the "Who did you say you were again?" look. Hot tears prick the corners of my eyes. I  go from pleading ("But I bought you your ExerSaucer, remember?") to threatening ("I bought you your fucking ExerSaucer!") to desperation ("I'll buy you a PlayStation this year, 'kay honey?").

Does this mean I'm not seeing her as often as I should? If it's been longer than a week, and I check in with MetroDad and ask what new words the Peanut has learned lately, he'll be sure to taunt me with something like: "The other day she said, 'Who's my uncle? I have an uncle?'"

5. TURD IS THE WORD
If you're not ready to have children of your own yet, but want to experience the thrill of feeling like a mature, responsible adult: Change a diaper.* It's such a rush. You get this buzz like you've suddenly gained five years in wisdom and bearing, but you can still sleep 'til 11 and smoke weed at noon.

*To get the full effect you have to change a brown gooshy diaper. A merely damp one doesn't count. You've got to feel like you're doing something major for the kid.

6. BEING AN UNCLE, V. 2.0
...Which leads us to the Big Question about being an uncle: "Doesn't this make you want to have kids of your own?" Well, no. Not yet. I'm good, for now. I get to come over, play with my adorable niece for a few hours, then go back to my self-centered, hedonistic, struggling-artist routine. Despite the fondest hopes of MetroGram and Gramps, being an uncle has NOT kicked my daddy-clock into overtime. But it has changed me. Listening to the Peanut form her first words, watching her take her first steps -- all this has made me wish for something I never knew I wanted before. I don't want to be a father. I want to be an uncle again!

Let's try for a boy this time!

You asked, I answered.

I'm back from Vietnam, folks.  It was a long trip and it's great to be back home with BossLady and the Peanut.  I missed them both terribly.  And not surprisingly, I missed all of you guys too.  I'm still a little jet lagged from the flight back home so I'll post more about the trip later this week. 

Meanwhile, thanks for all your questions.  I enjoyed reading them and it helped me kill a solid two hours on my 24-hour journey back home.  Here are my replies...

[David] I want to know where to get the best Pho soup in Saigon.
Although you can get pho anywhere in Vietnam, purists insist that the best pho can only be found in Hanoi. So before I left NYC, I did some online research about where I should go.  The best advice I found was from a British blogger named Pieman, a fellow foodie who is diligently eating his way through Vietnam's market stalls.  Of pho, Pieman says, "Vietnam's national dish, a belchworthy beef broth, belongs in scuzzy shacks, floors littered with broken chopsticks and cheap napkins, and not the poncey tables of nouvelle cuisine, restaurants with chamber music or the 'ethnic' section of the Hilton breakfast buffet."  In other words, the best pho is the one you find on your own. 

[Leora] Do you speak fluent Korean? What language was spoken at home with your parents?
Sadly, I do not speak fluent Korean. Although my comprehension is fairly good, I speak just enough to get by in a restaurant or a bar.  Growing up, my parents usually spoke to me in Korean and I would reply in English.  It's actually one of my great regrets that my Korean is not better.  I plan on avoiding this with the Peanut.  At my request, all grandparents only communicate with her in Korean.

[AlleMalle] If you could choose what to come back as in your next life - anything! anything at all! - what would you choose and why?
Ahh, the infamous Proust Questionnaire!  I think I'd like to come back as a fisherman from a remote coastal village.  Maybe somewhere in the Mediterranean.  Or in the South China Sea.  There's something very appealing to me about a simple life free of all the conveniences and stresses of modern life. 

[Brent] Who would play you and Bosslady in the TV version of your life? Who's your favorite sitcom character of all time? And if you were on "Lost," who would you be friends with?
If we're casting based on the whole Asian thing, I guess I'd go with Chow Yun Fat and Zhang Ziyi.  However, that would probably be one of the Top 10 unfunniest sitcoms of all-time (although it would still be MUCH better than "Good Morning, Miami" or "Joey.") Aside from appearances? I think I'd go with Luke Wilson and Parker Posey.  Favorite sitcom character?  Reverend Jim from "Taxi."  And if I were on "Lost," I'd most likely be friends with Sayid, Sun and Hurley.  I'd WANT to hang out with Mr. Eko but I don't think he'd get my sense of humor and I'd probably just annoy the crap out of him. 

[LandisMom] If you could be any fictional character, who would you be and why?
Bond. James Bond. (Alternatively...Phillip Marlowe, Atticus Finch, or Dean Moriarty)

[DP] Two questions for you: 1) If you could have a super power, what would it be? and 2) If you were given ONE DAY to do something that may be humanly impossible for you to do in this lifetime, what would it be??
Tough call.  On the one hand, I think 99.99% of all men would want to have X-Ray vision.  On the other hand, flying does seem pretty cool.  I'll go with flying.  As for doing the humanly impossible in one day?  I'd love to spend a day with my maternal grandfather, a fascinating man who passed away while I was very young.

[Euphrosynely ] How come you have a French first name?  Were your parents Francophones?
Depending on whom you ask, you'll hear a different reply.  If you ask my dad, he'll say that since my last name is Kim (by far, the most common Korean name,) he wanted something different that would stand out.  If you ask my mom, she'll say that French was always her favorite language (she's fluent in 6-7 languages.)  If you ask me? I suspect that I was named after one of my mother's former boyfriends.  Before she met my dad, she was an international stewardess and I think she was seeing a guy in Paris. I have a vague recollection of seeing photos of her with a dashing young Frenchman in a beret.

[Heather] If you and BossLady went on Trading Spouses or Wife Swap, what kind of family would the show pair you with?
Funny, Heather.  BossLady and I were joking around about this a few months ago when we actually were contacted by the producers of "Trading Spouses."  We laughed about how I might finally get a wife who not only cleaned but also was familar enough with a kitchen to know where the pots and pans are located.  On the other hand, BossLady would probably end up on a farm somewhere in Appalachia, laying manure, working the fields, and cooking rabbit stew for a family of 10.  It would be fucking hilarious. 

[Margalit] What do you actually DO for a living?
You mean when I'm not fighting crime with my superhero powers?  I actually design and produce activewear and sportswear for department stores, sporting goods retailers and various athletic brands.  Half my job involves being creative.  The other half requires a hard-nosed business acumen. I enjoy my job but I'm not sure I'll be doing it for the rest of my life. 

[WeirdGirl] What liquid do sweaty Korean balls really drip? I have it on good authority that it is not actually sweat. Can you enlighten us?
The liquid is actually an admixture of kimchi juice, scotch and salt water.  Surprisingly, it comes out smelling like coconut and tastes like sugar!
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[Kara] How 'bout your most interesting brush with death or the law?
In 1990, while still in college, I was held hostage by a crazed lunatic.  One of my close friends was shot standing a foot away from me.  The incident was fairly traumatic.  Thank God for therapy and Jack Daniels.   As for the law?  Aside from my propensity for speeding, my most serious brush with the law was when I had to spend the night in the Berkeley jail for getting caught standing on top of someone's car and drunkenly singing Frank Sinatra tunes at 4:00 am.  This was shortly after the aforementioned hostage incident so the cops were fairly lenient. They were fairly nice about the whole ordeal.  I even caught one of them laughing when I started singing "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot."

[MGJ] Do you think you're going to be overprotective of the Peanut when it comes time for her to start dating?
Does the Pope wear a funny hat?  Does a bear shit in the woods?  Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle?  Hell, yes!

[RAJ] Any tips for a new guy? My wife is expecting our first child in 3 weeks!!!?
Don't sweat the petty stuff and don't pet the sweaty stuff.  Just kidding, Raj.  In all seriousness, enjoy every single moment.  Don't stress out over everything.  Just relax.  The incessant crying, the breastfeeding problems and the sleep deprivation will soon be distant memories.  Your kid will be fine. Just relish every single moment.  Best of luck to you and your wife!   

[Meredith]  As for a question,do you make your kim-bap with or without spam? What exactly do you roll up in it?
Ahh, Meredith.  Clearly, you know about my people's fascination with Spam.  Do you know that BossLady once wrote an amazing song about Spam?  You've got to hear her sing it someday.   It's absolutely fucking brilliant.  We eat Spam with everything...ramen, sandwiches, salads, & omelets.  We don't put it in the Peanut's kim-bap yet.  But I imagine that we will soon enough.  Right now, we just roll up a little egg in her kim-bap.  She loves it.

[IAN]  Since you've been so many places, I was wondering...what's the grossest thing you've ever eaten? And where?
Throughout my travels, I've pretty much tried everything: dogs, snakes, turtles, frogs, monkeys and every single part of a pig that you can possibly imagine.  The only thing that really grossed me out?  A few years ago in China when my host presented a tray of fried beetles.  Some of them looked like giant spiders.  I fucking HATE spiders.  Man, I'm getting shivers just thinking about it again!
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[RBrown]  1) Your favorite country and why of all 38 of those countries you've visited.  2) Your favorite book of all time. 3) And because you're a word man, you're favorite word to toss about?
(1) I know it sounds trite but I truly love France.  I've probably been there over 30 times.  I love getting lost in Paris.  I love skiing in the mountains.  I love the countryside.  Take away all the people and the place would be heaven!  (2) Favorite book of all-time?  Ralph Ellison's "The Invisible Man."  Because, at the time I read it, no other book affected me more.  (3) My favorite words?  Onomatopoeia, ineluctable, autological, and quotidian. I'm also a big fan of "swamp ass" and "bitch tits."
 

[L.]   If you could be stranded on an island with either an ugly woman or a beautiful man, which would you pick?
Unless the woman were so ugly that she had a penis, I think I'd definitely go with the ugly woman.

[Lucinda]  What would you say is your favorite Vanity Fair article ever written?
I've been a life-long fan of VF.  Unfortunately, I'm thinking about cancelling my subscription.  The Lindsay Lohan cover was almost a death knell for me.  Remember when VF was a serious magazine that combined the best of politics, literature and culture?  Now, it's like a highbrow version of  "People" magazine.  Anyway, my favorite VF article ever written was the expose on the tobacco industry that later became adapted to film ("The Insider.")  More recently, the article revealing Mark Felt as Deep Throat was fantastic. 

[Jerry] Since you're a big sports fan, what's your all-time favorite sports moment?
Easy.  1986.  Game 6.  World Series.  Mets vs. Red Sox.  The infamous Bill Buckner game.  I was at the game with my friend's family.  We were in the 5th row on the third base line.  Most incredible thing I've ever seen.  When the Mets came back to win, the crowd went nuts.  Complete strangers started crying and hugging each other.  Not only one of my all-time favorite sports moments but also one of my all-time favorite New York City moments.

[CIO] Who's going to be the next American Idol?
If there's any justice in the world, it will be Taylor or Elliot.  I used to like Chris but everytime he sings now, it sounds like he's either taking a dump or performing an Evanescence cover.  I don't entirely dislike Katherine but I think she's catching a bit of her own McPheever.  False modesty doesn't play well on national TV, girlfriend!  As for all the other contestants?  They physically make me ill.  Ace is a poseur with a poor voice.  Kellie is possibly the dumbest person I've ever seen.  And Paris is just too damn annoying.

That's all, folks.  Hope you're all doing well!  It's good to be back. 

Married to the MetroDad

MetroDad is off to Vietnam this week and while he’s off to bring home the bacon, he’s asked me to keep you company.  And since you don’t know me, I thought what better way to introduce myself than to have my first guest post be about your beloved MetroDad?  You all know MetroDad as a witty, obnoxiously funny, fashion-conscious Korean-American who is not only  a seasoned world traveler, a whiskey connoisseur, tech geek, and grammar snob but is also, above all, an endearing, loving and completely devoted father. 

But have you ever wondered what it’s like to be married to The MetroDad?  Let me share a few things…

Addiction
If MetroDad is addicted to anything, it’s reading.  Every morning, he reads the NY Times, the Wall Street Journal, and the NY Post.  He also has subscriptions to about 15 magazines.  GQ, Esquire, The New Yorker, Vanity Fair, Atlantic Monthly, Sports Illustrated, Men’s Journal, Money, Smart Money, Time are only the first ten.  Yes, my man is well-read.  My only complaint is that he never throws an issue out.  So, whenever he’s sleeping or away on a trip, I take it upon myself to do some recycling.  It’s the only way I can prevent our home from looking like the Unibomber’s.

MetroDad’s Mistress
Yes, MetroDad keeps a mistress.  He’s always with her right after I go to bed.  I’ve known about her for quite some time actually and while I tried to fight this, I realized early on that I had to pick and choose my battles.  Sometimes I catch him humming THEIR song.  Other times, I can hear her in the other room with him.  And after the first round, he usually goes back for another repeat.  Yes, my friends, her name is ESPN Sports Center.  And I do pray for her demise one day since she seems to be the mistress for many men.  That ho-bag!

Sleeping with MetroDad
Our bed is like the McDLT.  Hot side hot.  Cold side cold.  During the winter, I like to be comfortably toasty and under a fluffy, snuggly down comforter.  For MD, it could never be cold enough.  Even if he’s lying still, MetroDad is always warm.  If he had it his way, he would leave all the windows open during a blizzard and still sleep in the buff.  But I have admit that to wake up in the morning and seeing him sleep in the buff is a major bonus – except when I wake up and realize that I caught a cold because MD had opened a window while I was sleeping and stolen all the covers from me.

Waking MetroDad
In all our years together, I have never seen MetroDad wake up on his own.  MetroDad MUST be woken each and every day.  He has no biological alarm clock.  If he does, it’s probably set for 5pm.  Every morning, I have to wake him.  There was a time when I would sit up and shake his arm to wake him.  Until one day, in pure MetroDad form, he told me that the proper way to wake him is with a gentle kiss and an “I love you” whispered into his ear.  If he’s anything, he’s consistent!

Personality Hallmarks
I often hear MetroDad muttering to himself while watching tv.  Believe it or not, he likes to correct tv shows and commercials when there is a seemingly HUGE grammatical gaffe (to him, that is.)  The most popular mistakes involve the improper use of fewer/less, nausea, graduate, and whether/if.  Is it any wonder why I love this man?

MetroDad is an uninhibited man.  He can’t keep a tune to save his life but he shows absolutely no inhibitions when we’re at a karaoke bar and he starts belting out “Pretty In Pink.”  The same holds true for his laughter.  No matter where we are, whether it’s a wedding, a restaurant, or a movie theater, MetroDad has an honest, infectious laugh that everyone notices.

MetroDad has a taste for the finest things in life.  When I first met MetroDad’s parents, his mom told me that she used to call him the Prince because even as a child, MetroDad had exquisite tastes in food and in clothing.  Sometimes I forget that I’m married to a metrosexual and not just a regular man.  For example, we wanted a more comfortable couch for our den (MetroDad refers to it only as “the MD Lounge”).  So, I found a great used Portico couch for $200 located in a loft in SoHo.  The only thing we needed to do was to replace the ugly yellow upholstery.  Thinking about the Peanut and any other future child, I wanted a more practical color and fabric:  chocolate brown twill or canvas.  But MD had other plans and would not compromise.  Dark chocolate brown was agreeable to MD but twill or canvas was too plebian for our MetroDad.  Nooooo, this couch was to be covered in velvet.  I love velvet just as much as the next metrosexual but what I thought could be a $200 used couch turned out to be a $1000 lesson in furniture shopping.  Actually, I’m sitting on this couch right now as I type.  It’s covered in a canvas slipcover!

Private Language
Like most couples, we have our own terms that only the two of us know.  I will share a few of them here with you.

BDS – For those of you who know Korean, BDS is short for Burning Ddong Gumong (meaning Asshole) Syndrome.  This is a term we use (more often by MetroDad) when we eat something so friggin’ spicy that it burns on the way out.  MD seems to be in a perpetual contest with himself to eat only the spiciest foods on the entire planet.  Proper usage:  “Honey, I’ve got BDS….”

Burning Heart Syndrome – this refers to the inevitable heartburn from eating all the aforementioned spicy food.  Proper usage: "Achh, honey!  I've got the burning heart!"

Stinky Butt – This is MetroDad’s nickname for the Peanut at home.  He rarely ever calls her Peanut in real life.  Proper usage:  “What’s up, Stinky Butt?”

The Jimmy Leg – this is a term we use for MetroDad’s restless leg syndrome.  At night, MD feels the need to kick his legs out every minutes.  And if it’s after a night of partying, he needs to kick his legs out every few seconds.  After partying right along with him, there’s nothing more I want than to just fall asleep.  The Jimmy Leg prevents this and I often have to kick MD out of bed.

My favorite moments of the day with MetroDad
-Watching him wake up as the Peanut tries to kiss and hug him in the morning.  He’ll slowly wake and realizing that it’s the Peanut, he’ll take the blanket to swallow her up in a big bear hug.

-Taking the elevator down with him on our way to work.  It’s our first moment alone together and for those brief 8 seconds, it’s our chance to say we love each other.

-Coming home from work.  These days when I get home, the Peanut is already fast asleep.  The first thing I do when I get home is change out of my office clothes.  As soon as I’ve changed into my jeans and t-shirt, MetroDad will throw me down on the bed and for a few minutes, we’ll just be in each other’s arms and just talk about our days, the good, the bad, what amazingly cute things the Peanut has done that day, anything and everything.

MetroDad is indeed real and indeed human.  He’s got his quirks and idiosyncrasies like the rest of us.  It’s exactly those quirks that made me fall in love with him.  I could watch the grass grow with this man and still be the happiest woman.  I thank my lucky stars for him because without him, I wouldn’t have any of the joys that I have in my life today.

So, I thank you for letting me keep you company.  I was a little nervous to write, especially after MetroDad announced that I would be posting.  But I hope you enjoyed it here.  Till next time,

BossLady

 

Fahrenheit 119

Tomorrow, I'm leaving for a business trip to Vietnam.

This is the first long business trip I've taken since the Peanut was born and I can't really say that I'm looking forward to it.  For starters, I haven't even left yet but I already miss her and the BossLady. I'm dreading the 23-hour transit time.  I'm convinced that I'm either going to get malaria or the Avian flu.  And I'm definitely not looking forward to the insufferable heat and humidity.  According to Accuweather, it's going to be over 119 degrees while I'm there!  My balls start dripping with sweat just THINKING about it! (Nice mental image, eh?)

However, I will admit that there's a small part of me that's looking forward to the trip.   Over the course of my life, I've visited over 38 countries.  Every place is uniquely different and I love immersing myself in the culture of new locales.  Vietnam, in particular, is an amazingly beautiful place and photos don't even begin to do it justice.  If you ever get the chance to journey around SE Asia, take it.  The scenery can be absolutely breathtaking.   

I'm also looking forward to flying First Class.  I've upgraded with miles in the belief that if you're going to fly for 23 hours, it's imperative to have a small team of Vietnamese men massaging your feet as long-legged female flight attendants hand-feed you caviar and pour champagne down your throat.  (I'm kidding.  They don't really pour champagne down your throat.  It's actually non-vintage sparkling wine. Cheap-asses!)

Anyway...before I got married five years ago, I used to spend about 20% of the year living out of my suitcase.  I'd fly from New York to London to India to Korea to Hong Kong to Thailand to Shanghai...and then reverse course and do it again.  Often times, my head would be spinning and I'd reach a point where I'd forget what city I was in or where I was even staying.  I'd dig into my pocket to find a hotel key card, only to find about 10 of them.  I'd go to Room #1020 in one city, forgetting that was the room I was booked in 5 days and 2 continents ago. It might sound chaotic but I loved every second of it.

After I got married, I began traveling a lot less.  I'd do everything possible to shorten the time that I was away from BossLady.  Once, I even travelled to Asia for 2 days of meetings and then rushed back home to be with my lovely wife.  I didn't think it was physically possible but I actually spent more time in the air than I did on the ground. 

When the Peanut was born?  Forget about it.  I haven't gone overseas for work since the day she arrived.  The last thing I wanted to do is be away from her because of business.  For the first year of her life, I was only semi-joking when I'd tell people that if I was gone for even a single day, the Peanut would completely forget what I looked like and wouldn't remember me when I came home. 

You never hear much about the feelings that fathers have about traveling and being away from their families.  You hear about the moms being left alone at home to manage the household by themselves. You hear about working moms being forced to go on business trips.  And you hear about working moms engaged in the struggle between careers and parenting.   But the travails of working fathers having to leave their families at home is rarely ever discussed.  As my buddy Brian has astutely discussed, this seems to be another arena in which the "family vs. work" balances of the working father tend to be dismissed.  I'd bitch and complain too but, really, who would listen?  Besides, as the Peanut's Godfather likes to say to everyone, "stop bitching with your high-class problems!"

As for all of you readers out there?  Strangely enough, I'm really going to miss all of you and your blogs too!  You know I love corresponding with all of you and visiting your sites on a regular basis.  It totally bums me out that we won't be able to "keep in touch." 

But, in my absence, I've got a few surprises for you that I think you'll enjoy...

(1) The infamous and beautiful BossLady has finally agreed to do her long-awaited guest post while I'm away.  Many of you have been leaving comments for the past year, hounding her to make a cameo appearance.  Stay tuned to read her debut.

(2) The brilliant filmmaker and hilarious writer, MetroBro, will also be making a short cameo at some point next week.  He's currently shooting a documentary series for CourtTV but, since he's a functional insomniac, he figures he'll write something in his sleep and throw it up here next week.

(3) We'll also have a guest post by a famous celebrity.  I'm not going to say who it's going to be.  Just make sure to come back here and check. 

Finally, in passing, I'm going to take a page out of my buddy Chris' blog (aka Rude Cactus) and open up my comments for questions---anything you want to ask, anything you want to know.  Ask me anything!  Personal, trivial, insightful or meme-licious?  I'll try to post all the answers up here at some point during my trip.  It's going to be a really long fucking plane ride.  Let's try and get to know each other a little better, ok? 

And as my good friend, The Doctor, likes to say..."Later, bitches!  I'll miss you!"

 

Monday Morning Chaos

WHERE EVERY BABY'S FIRST WORDS ARE "YES, BUT IT'S A DRY HEAT!"

BossLady and I were out in Scottsdale this weekend for a wedding.  We left the Peanut at home so we could have three days of adult-oriented fun.  Our hotel room had black-out shades and, on Saturday, we slept in until noon, ordered room service and watched cheesy movies all afternoon on TV.  It was like a stroll down memory lane.  I almost forgot we ever had a child.  The only downside was the heat.  I think I burned my ass on the leather car seat.  Not only that but I could have sworn I saw more than a few people driving their cars with oven mitts on.   Oy fucking vey!  How does anyone live there?

UNEXPECTED BONUS OF NOT HAVING A CHILD FOR THE WEEKEND

As much as I love spending time with BossLady and the Peanut, there are times when I'm glad it's just me and the missus.  One of those times is when we're eating Reeses Peanut Butter Cups.  Or munching on Kit Kats. Did you ever notice how there are very few candy bars divisible by three?  It's a huge conspiracy concoted by the Trilateral Commission (rumor has it that Michael Moore is doing a documentary on the subject.) Most of the time, someone get shafted and usually that person is me. (By the way, did you know that Kit Kats are HUGE in Japan?  The first time I went to Tokyo, I couldn't believe how many different versions there were: passion fruit, green tea, vanilla, cappucino.  Why don't we have those over here?  We invented Kit Kats, dammit!  Sigh...I guess it's true.  The Japanese just take everything we invent and make it better. Damn!) 

NOT JUST A CREME-FILLED WAFER BUT A HIT SONG TOO!

A few weeks ago, we bought the Peanut a set of musical instruments. The instruments are so cute, it's ridiculous. Anyway, when we got home, we all sat down on the floor together.  I grabbed the triangle, BossLady was on the tamborine, and Peanut had the moroccas.  In my best raspy rock-and-roll voice, I jumped up on the couch and yelled out, "One. Two. One, Two, Three, Four...hit it!"   Without even thinking about it, my lovely wife instinctively started melodically singing, "Gimme a break, gimme a break, break me off a piece of that Kit Kat bar!"  Hah!  And I wonder where the Peanut gets her sweet tooth!

TALES FROM THE SEA

Enough about the Kit Kats.  In other gastronomical news, a restaurant opened up near our apartment that only serves fish and chips.  I pass by it every day but all I can think about is what kind of fish is used in a fish stick?  Do they use only one kind of fish or do they mash up different types of fish together and then fry the shit out of it?  Isn't that kind of disturbing?  Does anyone else besides me even care about this?   No?  Yeah, that's what I thought. 

BANTERING WITH THE TEENAGE DEMOGRAPHIC

Recently, I was at a food court and, for some bizarre reason, the BBQ eatery was selling fresh-baked muffins.  There was a teenage girl working behind the counter.  The following is the extent of our conversation...

ME:  How are the blueberry muffins?
GIRL:  They're awesome!
ME:  You're not just saying that because it's noon and you've got a quota to fill?
GIRL: Sorry?
ME: Nothing.  It's just weird that you sell muffins.  Did the bakery next door go belly up?
GIRL: What bakery?   
ME: Forget it. I'll take one.  Which hot sauce would you recommend?  What goes well with blueberry?
GIRL: Umm.  I don't think I would put hot sauce on a muffin.
ME:  Really?  I hear that's what all the crazy kids are doing these days!  Puts hair on your chest! 
GIRL:  Yeah, um. Whatever.

God, I CANNOT WAIT until my daughter is a teenager so I can embarass her in front of her friends on a daily basis.  It's going to be so totally awesome!

EST-CE QUE JE REVE?

Speaking of kids, I think BossLady wants another one.  Lately, she's had a mild case of "Baby Fever." I can see it in her eyes and hear it in her voice.  Remember when you were single and dated that punk rock chick with 20 tattoos?  Remember how you could smell the crazy and see the madness in her eyes?  Well, I'm noticing a similar thing with the BossLady.  Anytime she sees a newborn baby, she gets this gooey look in her eyes and starts twitching a little.  I'm not entirely sure I'm ready for another baby right now but the BossLady is one determined woman.  The other night, I thought I woke up in the middle of the night and saw her on top of me.  She claims that I was dreaming but it sure seemed real. 

BIGGIE, BIGGIE, BIGGIE, CAN'T YOU SEE?  SOMETIMES YOUR RHYMES JUST HYPNOTIZE ME!

I don't know about you guys but I'm absolutely addicted to youtube.com.  I'm assuming it's only a matter of time before the site gets shut down for posting unlicensed content.  Meanwhile, you can find some fantastic stuff on the site (especially rare bootleg concert videos).  One of the coolest things I've discovered so far (via Gothamist) is this clip of Biggie freestyling in front of a Bed-Stuy bodega when he was only 17 years old (3 years before he met Sean Combs, 5 years before "Juicy" was released, and sadly, only 8 years before he passed away.)  There's something very sad and sweet about watching this clip.

A few other cool clips from youtube:

Miles Davis & John Coltrane in their prime

Jeff Buckley "Hallelujah"

Bruce Springsteen & Eddie Vedder "Better Man"

Radiohead "Paranoid Android"

Stone Temple Pilots acoustic "Plush"

If you've found anything cool on youtube, let me know so I can check it out.   

SELL, MORTIMER, SELL!  THE DUKES ARE GOING UNDER!

That venerable record of world finance and capitalistic domination, the Wall Street Journal, is slumming it today and is featuring an article on Daddy Bloggers.  I think it's the last place that I ever expected to see this site mentioned.  However, I'm honored to be there along with fellow dads Greg, Chag, and rebeldad.  Check out the article online here.

DON'T WORRY.  THE DROOL & THE BOOGERS ARE JUST FROM ALL THE CHEWING TOBACCO. 

It's Opening Day for Major League Baseball and my Mets are kicking off the season at home today.  It's been a long offseason but the great thing about Opening Day is that everyone starts off at .500.  Having spent the first two years of my life living in the squallid shadow of Shea Stadium, I've been a die-hard Mets fan since birth.  Here's to hoping that this year I'll be able to take the Peanut to the Mets championship parade in October!

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