Many of you know that I'm an avid reader of parenting books. And in my on-going quest to be a better parent, I've traversed the entire diaspora of parenting literature and gleaned bits of information from virtually every book ever written on the subject. However, after all this research, I think I've come up with a new and novel approach to parenting.
I'VE DECIDED TO RAISE THE PEANUT AS A JEDI.
Like young Master Luke, the Peanut is both impatient and impetuous. Therefore, I believe that she would benefit greatly by learning the way of the Jedi. Their collective wisdom has provided guidance for thousands of generations. How can you argue against that?
I have to admit that part of the fun in raising one's child as a Jedi is that you get to talk like Obi-Wan Kenobi or Yoda all day. But in all seriousness, I'm finding that these Jedi pearls of wisdom are turning out to be a lot handier than I thought!
- When the Peanut sees me eating a cookie and runs over to grab it out of my hand, I quickly hide the cookie in my pocket and say, "Your eyes can deceive you; don't trust them." Other times, I'll look her straight in the eye and say, "These aren't the cookies you're looking for!"
- If we're at the playground and Peanut tries to follow one of the older kids, I pull her aside gently and whisper, "Tell me, Peanut. Who's the more foolish: the fool, or the fool who follows him?"
- Lately, she's been having fun pushing me around. I'm trying to break this habit quickly so she doesn't do it around other kids. Any time she pushes me, I boldly prounounce, "If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine."
- And when she starts throwing a hissy fit demanding that something be done HER way, I'll just pick her up and loudly proclaim, "Only Sith deal in absolutes!"
In teaching the Peanut the ways of the Jedi, I've been forced to use a few Jedi tricks of my own. As I mentioned last week, the Peanut has become a very fussy eater. Therefore, for the past week, I've used my Jedi powers at dinnertime every night to convince her that she's actually a dog. I put her food in a dog bowl, set it on the floor, and say to her, "Puppy, you are. Hungry is the belly of the puppy!"
And just like that, she's convinced that she's a little puppy and will start eating out of her dog bowl...
What? You've never played Jedi tricks on your kids before? No, really. Never? C'mon. 'Fess up! Have you?
(1) When training a young Jedi, it is imperative to ensure that your child's powers be used only for good rather than evil. However, it is equally important to make sure that they never use their newfound powers against you. Peanut's friend Juniper is also a young Jedi and has sometimes been known to mind-trick her own parents.
(2) Yeah, internets, I know this is a terrible precedent to set. If I don't stop feeding her out of a doggy bowl, the Peanut is only going to want to eat on the floor. However, I'm thinking of just sticking a tatami mat under her butt and say that she's eating "Asian-style." What do you think? Is the wife going to buy it?