Fucking Hector!

There's been a lot of talk recently in the blogosphere about women gaining weight after pregnancy and/or marriage (read my girl MIM's post, then go read this, this, this, this, or that.) 

Still here?

Now, I'm not jumping into this debate for many reasons.  The first is because all the women writing about it are some of my favorite bloggers and I respect their differences of opinion.  Secondly, I never get involved when women argue. Most men only need to learn that lesson ONCE. The third reason?  Well, to tell you the truth, it's because I'm a total narcissist and I don't really care about OTHER people's weight gains.  I'm much more concerned about MY OWN.

You see, my friends...about 6 months ago, I wrote a post about my new pot-bellied friend Hector (actually, the pot belly was mine.  I just decided to name him Hector.  For some reason, he looks like a Hector.)  At the time, I blamed my weight gain on the BossLady's pregnancy and the ensuing months after the Peanut's birth.  I immediately issued a one-man fatwa on my new little belly and swore that he would be gone in a month or two. 

In the meantime, it was kind of fun having him around.  I've always been fairly lean and athletic so I was enjoying the new company.  Every once in awhile, when we were on the couch, I'd even put BossLady's hand on my stomach and "make the baby kick."  Fun stuff!

Now?  Not so fun.  Hector is still hanging out here and he ain't paying the rent.  He's like that annoying roommate that you used to be friends with but now you can't stand and he won't stop calling you. 

Besides, beach season is around the corner so my vanity and self-respect demand that I start kicking things into a higher gear.  I don't have man-tits and I still look good in a suit but unfortunately, Hector's not so easy to hide when you've got no shirt on.  He's like that character Kuato in "Total Recall."  (Remember?  The psychic-mutant leader of the Mars rebellion who lives in that dude's stomach?)

Anyway, it's become clear that my 37-year-old metabolism has slowed down to a crawl.  Also, I have very little desire to hit the gym because I'd rather spend all my free moments playing with Peanut and the BossLady. 

So, in my typical Type-A personality manner, I've decided to dig in my heels and go for broke. I cancelled my gym membership and instead bought a used elliptical trainer for the apartment (God bless Craigslist!  Before them, where did people go to find used junk, concert tickets and transvestite hookers?)

Anyway, we planted the elliptical right in front of the TV and, so far, it's been great.  After the Peanut goes to sleep, I flip on "Inside Edition" or "SportsCenter" and work out for an hour or two.  I'm truly optimistic that the elliptical won't turn into the most expensive fucking coat rack this side of the Mississippi!

Now, I'm working on altering my diet.  Unfortunately, science has yet to figure out a way to lose weight by subsisting on a diet of foie gras, Peking duck, fried chicken, gnocchi, proscuitto and steamed pork dumplings.  So far, I've been contemplating my options and here's what I've come up with so far...

Atkins Diet
I've tried this before and lost weight on it.  It fits right in with my predilection for porterhouse steaks.  Only problem is that whenever I try Atkins, I feel like I'm a pork chop away from a heart attack.  Also, I find that when I'm on Atkins, I only crap once every two weeks.  Unfortunately, I do some of my best thinking when I'm on the can.   

The Zone
This diet seems very confusing.  Also, it involves math and measuring (two of my weaker skills.)  A few years ago, BossLady and I tried this home-delivery service called Zone Chefs.  Every morning at 5:00 am, they delivered fresh-cooked Zone meals to your front door.  The only problem was that there wasn't enough food diversity in the meals.  To this day, we both shudder and flinch anytime we hear someone say the word, "fritatta." 

Vegetarian Diet
Could I really live without meat?  Doubtful.  If I could eat pizza,donuts and bagels all day and lose weight, I might give it a try.  After all, have you ever met a fat vegetarian?  Unfortunately, I think I'd be a cranky bitch if I didn't eat meat.  After a month without a burger, I'd probably kill someone.  This one's not going to work out either. 

The Keith Richards Diet (aka "The Lohan")
This one sounds pretty easy.  It consists of coffee, alcohol, cigarettes and cocaine.  It can get a little expensive but it's been proven to work wonders for that quick short-term weight loss.  Unfortunately, I'm looking for more of a lifestyle solution.  Besides, this diet requires wearing leather pants and my wife says I'm not allowed to wear mine anymore.

Of course, I could just eat a healthy balanced diet but where's the fun in that?  Besides, I'm a member of the MTV generation.  Not only do I have a short attention span but also I'm looking for fast, easy results and instant gratification! 

What you got, Internet?  Tips, tricks, comments or commiseration?  Bring it on!

 

Comments

[bill]

Keith Richards is the only way to go.

[Michael]

Have you heard of the Caveman Diet? Check it out. I lost abot 15 pounds on it and I also feel much healthier. Main point is to cut out all processed foods.

[rach]

"Jim Morrison was the only man ever to look sexy instead of silly or sleazy in leather pants."

Hey Renee - what about phil lynott from thin lizzy? yeah? yeah.

[Sassy]

I went to a dietician because both Matt and I really need to lose weight and I have a lot of trouble doing so because of my PCOS related insulin resistence.

She made me a diet plan that I turned into this -
http://www.kimsplace.net/mealplanner.html
That works for both of us, but I Matt's serves of breads & cereals are double the size of mine. Also, all our breads and cereals (and anything else as far as possible) are low GI to help stabilise my insulin levels.

Honestly, I wish we'd done this years ago. She's the first doctor to take my infertility seriously and even suggested some specialists for us to see and wrote out an exercise plan with the diet plan. She says that plan should last me around 20 years at which point I'll need a review. She also stressed that as long as we were eating healthy food in reasonable sized portions and exercising regularly we should try not to worry about our weight. Best $100 I've ever spent.

[Donna]

I've recently come to the conclusion that different diets are appropriate for me at different times in my life. When I couldn't deal with the measuring and counting over at Weight Watchers, I tried South Beach, which is WAY easier than Atkins because it's low carb (not no carb). I lost 20 pounds with it last year (OK, I put ten back on when I relaxed over the holidays, but that's half gone now, too). Trial and error. And yeah -- exercise NEVER hurts. Good luck!

[amy]

weight watchers -- guys on a diet bb helps too.
http://www.weightwatchers.com/community/mbd/threads.aspx?board_id=15&forum_id=1&daterange=&viewchange=DATECREATEDDESC&setviewHidden=TRUE

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