On Friday night, we went to SW Steakhouse and gorged ourselves on porterhouses. One of the guys eating with us was wearing a leather jacket, leather shoes, a leather belt and drinking a milkshake. I couldn't get over the irony. It was like he was half-man, half-cow! Surprisingly, nobody else thought this was funny. I think I'm getting weirder in my old age.
Another guy in our group was a hard-core vegetarian and refused to eat with us at the steakhouse. But later during the weekend, I saw him eating fried chicken and scrambled eggs. How does that work? Why does he love cows but hate chickens? At one point in his life, did chickens kill someone in his family? I wanted to ask but I was afraid it might bring back too many painful memories.
One of the things I really love about America is the fact that we're not afraid to deep-fry anything. Whether it's fried turkey or fried twinkies, the strength of this nation was built on Canola oil. I thought I'd tried everything but, on Saturday night, we went to Fix Restaurant and I had deep-fried Macaroni and Cheese. It was amazing! I could actually hear my arteries hardening.
When I was driving from the airport to the hotel, I saw billboards advertising concerts by Ann Margaret, Debbie Reynolds, Englebert Humperdink, and Wayne Newton. I guess these people are, in some way, all very famous people. But it's weird because I don't know a single piece of their music. If I met them and was forced to talk to them for several hours, all I would be able to do is talk about the multiple episodes of Fantasy Island and Love Boat that they were on. Do you think they would be offended? If you were going to be famous for ONE thing, wouldn't guest-starring on one of those shows be right up there? By the way, does anyone know what happened to Charo, Charles Nelson Reilly, and Susan Anton?
I went to a nightclub on Friday night with twelve guys. Eight of us were married and six of us have kids. If you want to feel old, go to a nightclub with a bunch of married fathers. All I could think of was that kids dress too skanky these days and I'm never letting my daughter out of the house.
In my next apartment, I think I'm going to remove all the clocks, put the bathrooms as far away from the TV as possible, and have oxygen pumped in on a regular basis.
Contrary to popular belief, wearing a tuxedo in a casino does not make you look like James Bond. Unless, of course, there happens to be another James Bond and he's a fat cocktail waiter with a porn mustache working the graveyard shift at Binions.
My hotel room this weekend was on the 14th floor but the hotel didn't have a 13th floor. I'm not normally superstitious but, at several points over the weekend, I was a little pissed because I realized that if the Boogieman came and attacked my hotel, he'd definitely be starting on the 14th floor and I'd be totally fucking screwed. Shouldn't that be worth a discount or something?
My room had motion sensors on the minibar. If something is removed from the fridge or the tray for longer than 15 seconds, you are automatically charged for it. You know all those movies where the thieves are trying to trick alarm systems by quickly replacing diamonds for a bag of stones? Well, I think I've seen too many of those movies. I spent about half an hour in my room trying to replace a bag of chips with some socks. It never really worked. But I have to say that those were the best $200 potato chips I've ever had.
While I was sleeping in the aisle seat on the flight back home, the man next to me tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Yo, can I get out?" I didn't like his attitude so I said, "What's the Magic word?" He decided to ignore me so I refused to get out of my seat. But finally, because he had to pee so badly, he turned to me and said, "Please." Now, is it really so painful for someone to say the word "please" that they'll actually wait until their bladder is about to burst before they say it? Has being rude become a matter of principle for some people? Am I going to have to spit in EVERYONE'S Diet Coke? Sheesh!
It's good to be back home.