Right Wing? Left Wing? Chicken Wing!

Chicken for lunch, chicken for my dinner
Chicken, chicken, chicken, I'm a finger lickin' winner
(A Tribe Called Quest)

"Wait, Wade, Wait!  The Chicken Wings! If they come in here and see billions of little chicken wings, they're gonna KNOW that we smoked all the pot!"
(Carrie, "Sex and the City")

"No thanks.  I don't eat buffalo."
(Jessica Simpson, "Newlyweds")

I'll never forget my first date with the BossLady.  We were walking to the butterfly exhibit at the Museum of Natural History, when she turned to me and said, "I just have to tell you.  I pretty much hate anything that's got wings."  Then, after a semi-awkward pause, she proceeded to add, "Except buffalo wings.  I LOVE buffalo wings." 

And thus we discovered that our first mutual love was for the buffalo wing...and, soon after, a marriage was made!

Because make no mistake, people.  I loves me some buffalo wings.  If it were socially acceptable, I would probably eat chicken wings 2-3 times a day (I'd also only wear silk pajamas to the office...but let's save that for another post.) As it is, I eat wings at least once a week.  In my opinion, there are very few things more satisfying in life than watching a ball game with a big bucket of spicy chicken wings.  How spicy?  I'm talking nuclear, tears-rolling-down-your-face, sweat-on-your-forehead, blow-out-your-colon spicy!

Why do I bring this up?  Because the Super Bowl is on Sunday and I'm getting ready to get my chow on.  I know it's only Wednesday but I've planned out my entire Sunday so that I'm ready when the game starts.  Seasoned vets know that you can't starve yourself all day and then sit down to eat 25 wings.  Total rookie mistake.  You need to pre-game, baby!

Serious eaters also know that if you sit down with a bucket of wings on an empty stomach, you'll be lucky to make it through a Baker's Dozen.  You need to be totally focused.  Planning and organization are the keys to success.  And shit, we all know that nobody is better at planning and organization than Asians.  Do you think it's any accident that the two greatest competive eaters of ALL-TIME (Takeru Kobayashi and Sonya Thomas) are Asian?  I think not. 

That's why, on Sunday, I've got my pre-game already mapped out.  In the morning, we're driving up to Harlem for some soul-food breakfast.  In the afternoon, we're going to Chinatown for a New Year's feast.  And right afterwards, we're jumping in the car to start gathering representative samples from all of New York City's best restaurants for wings.  By the time the Super Bowl starts, we'll be well on our way to stuffing ourselves in the name of science.

Crap, do you guys think I have an eating disorder?  I read recently that men get all sorts of eating disorders these days.  Did you know that?  Isn't that bizarre?  Surprisingly, it's not called bulimia though if a guy gets it.  It's called being gay! 

See, I can get away with that joke because I have several gay readers and they know I'm just joking.  I can also say it because I have a bunch of gay friends.  Actually, I'm just kidding.  I don't have ANY gay friends.  I used to have a few but they dropped me after I got married and had a kid.  Well, I think that's why they dropped me.  It could have been because they busted me in public wearing pleated jeans. 

Isn't it bizarre that if you have gay friends you can make gay jokes?  Why is sexual preference different from racial identity?  Because it always pisses me off when I hear someone make a black joke or an anti-semitic remark but then try to absolve themselves by saying, "Oh, it's ok.  I've got a lot of black (or Jewish) friends.  I'm cool."  Sorry, folks.  It doesn't work that way.  Get with the program. 

That reminds me of a routine I heard recently from stand-up comic Jo Koy.  He's got a hilarious bit about people finding out for the first time that he's Asian; "No way, dude!  You're Asian?  Really? That's awesome!  I fucking LOVE Orange Chicken!" 

Do you guys think I have ADD?  I just realized that I went from chicken wings to eating disorders to gay people to racial identity...and back to chicken again!  Right wing, left wing, Chicken Wing!  Boo ya!

Anyway, this post is starting to make less and less sense as time goes on.  I think my mind is a little influenced by the fact that "Lost" was a rerun so I've been watching last night's State of the Union while placing all my chicken orders for Sunday's feast.  Meanwhile, BossLady is by my side doing some work and every 5 minutes, I turn to her and yell, "I wish I knew how to quit you, Ennis!"  (See!  Still fucking funny!)

What's up with you, folks?  Any Super Bowl plans?  And more importantly, what's on the menu?  Not gay chicken, I hope!

Comments

[Kristie]

I am a buffalo wing freak as well. I love wings. OMG. No one can keep up with me. I will as many as are put in front of me. Cant get out to eat them often enough so i started making them at home too. yummm

[Brent]

Holy crap, dude! I'm laughing my ass off at that photo. It's so "Brokeback Chicken!"

[GIRLS GONE CHILD]

I'm totally Veg. BUT, the pic you chose to illustrate your point is THE SAME picture on a stack of cards I bought in bulk. When you open the card it says : THIS MAN HAS A HUGE COCK. And he does, doesn't he? I mean, look at the size of that thing?

[Tien]

Hi! I just found your website from Hyphen Mag's iist of 10 Best Asian-American blogs. I don't even have kids but I've spent the past few hours reading all your posts. Seriously funny!

As for the chicken wings, I think it might be an Asian thing. My mother only cooks and eats Chinese food. But when she feels like going out to eat for something special, she loves KFC!

[Leora]

Yes, you might have ADD but you are also one very funny man! Enjoy the wings on Sunday! I've never been a big fan of them myself. I think it's because I hate getting my hands messy when I eat. Must be my OCD!

[Jen]

3 words from a Korean Cali girl, "Cluck U Chicken" now named Cluck University Chicken in Santa Clara. Did you ever try the 911 chicken challenge? Let's just say the secret ingredient, mace, makes your toilet your BFF for a few days. But yummy going down. Was that too much information?

[CityMama]

There is a restaurant here in San Francisco called San Tung that makes these dry-fried chicken wings that are like crack-laced meth. They are so damn good--spicy, crispy, and slightly sweet.

But there's nothing like a good Buffalo wing. You hit the nail right on the head.

[Mr. Big Dubya]

Um - I'm a little confused. Gay chicken wings with ADD watching the Super Bowl on Brokeback Mountain? I'm usually pretty good at this, but where's the punchline?

[kara]

pleated jeans. heh heh.

[Anne Glamore]

I'll take away Finn's clip if you throw away the pleated jeans immediately. That has nothing to do with being gay or straight. It's just a matter of style and good taste.

[suburban misfit]

Have you ever been to the Anchor Bar in Buffalo? Where Buffalo wings were invented? Those wings are the fucking BOMB.

Super Bowl? Is that, like, a sporting event? (We're not a sports-lovin' family. Even the husband. THANK GOD.)

[Gay Dad]

Yoo hoo, Metrodad! Gay reader here! I have to tell you that this post is hilarious but PLEASE tell me you didn't really wear pleated jeans! That was a joke, right? I know it was a joke.

Oh...and no Super Bowl for us either! We're going to Napa instead.

[Pattie]

Buffalo wings and buffalo chicken are my happy foods. Throw in some delicious blue cheese dressing, and I'm good to go.

Mmm....buffalo wings.

[misfithausfrau]

Hausfrau's Super SteelerBowl Menu is going to be the following:

Chili with sour cream (or nachos)

Hankie Pankies (Midwestern delicasy made with equal parts ground beef, pork sausage and velveeta. It is spooned onto cocktail rye and baked in the oven to get crispy. Aww Yeah)

Chicken Wings--are you kidding me? That's a given. Just haven't decided if I am making them myself or buying them.

Brownies and ice cream

Champagne and Iron City Beer--cuz they're going to win, yo!

[Georgie Z.]

Nice work on the Tribe lyrics, bro. Ever hear Ludacris's rap?

"Its the chicken & the beer that make Luda keep rappin. But no pork on my fork i dont even speak pig Latin"-

[AskMoxie]

Your plan sounds remarkably like the way I gamed the glucose tolerance test twice.

[Stephen]

That Jo Koy website is sooo funny! His whole routine about orange chicken had me in tears. Thanks, MD!

[Stacy]

"Surprisingly, it's not called bulimia though if a guy gets it. It's called being gay!"

BWAAAA HAAAA HAAAAA!!!!! :::wipes tears from eyes:::

[Kemp]

Oh yeah, Hot wings baby... gotta have em for the big game.

The Menu for my little shin-dig:
-Kemp's HalfTime Spanish-Italian Beef (its the spices that make it Spanish)
-Kemp's homemade toasted ravioli
-Buffalo wings from Paulies Pub
-Little Smokies with Kemp's (technically my Dad's) Special Bar-b-Que sauce
-Julie's (the wife) cold vegetable pizza (fresh, raw veggies on top of cream cheese on top of Boboli-style crust)
And finally... Al Jr's (my brother) fried, garlic-stuffed olives

And of course... beer. Not sure what kind yet. Thats always a game-day decision

burp... excuse me

[Buffy]

I know this could get me hung for high treason...but I'm saying it anyway.

One thing I dont miss about America...Super Bowl Sundays. They're far too ecclesiastical.

[Melissa]

Um, I'm not sure if you have ADD. And I don't think you have an eating disorder. It might just be Super-Bowl-itis. And I think it's catching. Because you sound a little crazy right now, like most people I know. I love the Super Bowl. And now, even though it is only 10:17am my time, I want Wings and Orange Chicken. Great post as usual.

[Melissa]

By the way - Kemp - can we crash at your house. SHeesh, you are making me drool. My favorite wings are from a company called Wing Stop. Not to greasy, just perfect.

[tweets]

From using my ABSOLUTE favorite Sex and the City quote of ALL TIME (and you don't know just how much that's saying) to that picture of the man with his LARGE COCK just hanging out, you had me laughing NON STOP.

[dutch]

pleated jeans are so coming back. just watch.

[heidi]

How ocme nobody makes their own chicken wings ova' heyer? Chicken, tobassco, lots o' butter. It's on. Bake 'till it looks good.

[OTRgirl]

Big Bad Wolf House of BBQ is the source here in B'more.

I'm with Buffy, sacriligious, profane, uncouth, I know, though I do love the commercials. Remember the cat herding one a couple years ago?

[Nancy]

You sir, are really stinking funny.

So, I may have forgotten it was the superbowl this weekend (though it would explain the overheard bits about Seattle), and I'll likely be on a train back to NYC at about the time it's on anyway. But! Now that I know, I can unabashedly crack open a beer before noon and get all indignent, "Dude, it's the superbowl!"

[CroutonBoy]

Open invitation to all New York-based bloggers - party at CroutonHouse. Go 'Hawks!

I was planning on serving nachos and beer ('cause that's what I eat) but I can go to Chirpin' Chicken and pick up some wings if ya want! And I have at least one vegetarian in the house, so we'll have some...um...mesclun for ya.

[LeeMarv...]

Yea, MD, you've been wired4sound lately.

Definitely not ADD; Definitely ADHD (ADD w/Hyperactivity), w/ some OCD and some other acronyms from the DSM-V thrown in.

I'm down with wings, as long as they're not gummy or overcooked. Will pra'bly get em from the local pub. Already got a case of lager in the garage, chillin'. Also need to pick up some chips and salsa.

Not sure what the rest of the family is eatin'...

[B.Duc]

Questions: What's the story with that giant chicken? Is it real? Photoshopped? How'd it get so big? Growth hormones?

I NEED TO KNOW! (seriously, if you know, please tell me or I'm going to spend the next 13 hours on google)

[Daddy Bun]

Can't watch the big game at home because of tv room remodeling (alas, i've already spent my tax return) but since it's being held in 'the D' which is only 1.5hrs from my house maybe i'll take The Bun and the wife to tailgate. Of course the trip actually would only take an hour since you can't get a car closer than 20 friggin' miles away from Ford Field if you're a tailgater :(

[enygma]

Whoa. That was the most frenetic post I have ever read. =D Enjoy the Super Bowl. When some kids told me that they shouldn't get homework this weekend due to the fact that it's Turnabout and the Super Bowl, I told them I didn't care. That almost caused a riot.

[JJ Daddy-O in Savannah]

Ah, music and fried chicken.... makes me think of that song by Southern Culture on the Skids, "Eight Piece Box":
"I started on a thigh, then I got me a breast, my mouth got so full, I had to save the rest."

[Kara]

"the chicken is for lickin'; but the wing is the thing 'cause there ain't no thing like a chicken wing" -the decepticonz

[Luper]

I know you know the stephon marbury "I'm just eatin' some chicken" story.

Right?

[AlieMalie]

two words:

You're Crazy.

:)
AlieMalie

[bitemycookie]

you know that i love that you started this off with a tribe quote. and i also love me some wings. i think hooter's wings are totally overrated. and i hate to say it, but whole foods has some good ones. i'm no conny-sore like it sounds like you and the BL are, but i like my winds to be drumsticks. and as always, this is some seriously funny shit. i'm all caught up baby. and i've been missing ya and my sides hurt.

[Brian]

MD---Only YOU would write "Ode to a Chicken Wing". And only YOU would wuote both Tribe and Carrie. This is some riotously funny stuff, man. Keep up the great writing...and have fun with those wings on Sunday!

[Adam B.]

We are getting one of those 6' foot heros, two large pizzas, and a bucket of the spiciest wings you've ever smelt!

Think that's enough for me and the missus? She's pregnant and I'm a gluttonous pig!

[margalit]

We're doing our superbowl buffalo chicken canapes. You take scoops tortilla chipes, some buffalo chicken meat shredded, add a slice of monterey pack cheese and broil till the cheese melts. to DIE for, and a prefect snack for the game. Go Steelers!

[mdvelazquez]

I don't follow football, but love the food. I ordered Buffalo Wing sauce from the Anchor Bar in Buffalo, NY for Sunday.

Please don't forget to tell us which wings you like best.

Maria

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We're doing our superbowl buffalo chicken canapes. You take scoops tortilla chipes, some buffalo chicken meat shredded, add a slice of monterey pack cheese and broil till the cheese melts. to DIE for, and a prefect snack for the game. Go Steelers!

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