Chicken for lunch, chicken for my dinner
Chicken, chicken, chicken, I'm a finger lickin' winner
(A Tribe Called Quest)
"Wait, Wade, Wait! The Chicken Wings! If they come in here and see billions of little chicken wings, they're gonna KNOW that we smoked all the pot!"
(Carrie, "Sex and the City")
"No thanks. I don't eat buffalo."
(Jessica Simpson, "Newlyweds")
I'll never forget my first date with the BossLady. We were walking to the butterfly exhibit at the Museum of Natural History, when she turned to me and said, "I just have to tell you. I pretty much hate anything that's got wings." Then, after a semi-awkward pause, she proceeded to add, "Except buffalo wings. I LOVE buffalo wings."
And thus we discovered that our first mutual love was for the buffalo wing...and, soon after, a marriage was made!
Because make no mistake, people. I loves me some buffalo wings. If it were socially acceptable, I would probably eat chicken wings 2-3 times a day (I'd also only wear silk pajamas to the office...but let's save that for another post.) As it is, I eat wings at least once a week. In my opinion, there are very few things more satisfying in life than watching a ball game with a big bucket of spicy chicken wings. How spicy? I'm talking nuclear, tears-rolling-down-your-face, sweat-on-your-forehead, blow-out-your-colon spicy!
Why do I bring this up? Because the Super Bowl is on Sunday and I'm getting ready to get my chow on. I know it's only Wednesday but I've planned out my entire Sunday so that I'm ready when the game starts. Seasoned vets know that you can't starve yourself all day and then sit down to eat 25 wings. Total rookie mistake. You need to pre-game, baby!
Serious eaters also know that if you sit down with a bucket of wings on an empty stomach, you'll be lucky to make it through a Baker's Dozen. You need to be totally focused. Planning and organization are the keys to success. And shit, we all know that nobody is better at planning and organization than Asians. Do you think it's any accident that the two greatest competive eaters of ALL-TIME (Takeru Kobayashi and Sonya Thomas) are Asian? I think not.
That's why, on Sunday, I've got my pre-game already mapped out. In the morning, we're driving up to Harlem for some soul-food breakfast. In the afternoon, we're going to Chinatown for a New Year's feast. And right afterwards, we're jumping in the car to start gathering representative samples from all of New York City's best restaurants for wings. By the time the Super Bowl starts, we'll be well on our way to stuffing ourselves in the name of science.
Crap, do you guys think I have an eating disorder? I read recently that men get all sorts of eating disorders these days. Did you know that? Isn't that bizarre? Surprisingly, it's not called bulimia though if a guy gets it. It's called being gay!
See, I can get away with that joke because I have several gay readers and they know I'm just joking. I can also say it because I have a bunch of gay friends. Actually, I'm just kidding. I don't have ANY gay friends. I used to have a few but they dropped me after I got married and had a kid. Well, I think that's why they dropped me. It could have been because they busted me in public wearing pleated jeans.
Isn't it bizarre that if you have gay friends you can make gay jokes? Why is sexual preference different from racial identity? Because it always pisses me off when I hear someone make a black joke or an anti-semitic remark but then try to absolve themselves by saying, "Oh, it's ok. I've got a lot of black (or Jewish) friends. I'm cool." Sorry, folks. It doesn't work that way. Get with the program.
That reminds me of a routine I heard recently from stand-up comic Jo Koy. He's got a hilarious bit about people finding out for the first time that he's Asian; "No way, dude! You're Asian? Really? That's awesome! I fucking LOVE Orange Chicken!"
Do you guys think I have ADD? I just realized that I went from chicken wings to eating disorders to gay people to racial identity...and back to chicken again! Right wing, left wing, Chicken Wing! Boo ya!
Anyway, this post is starting to make less and less sense as time goes on. I think my mind is a little influenced by the fact that "Lost" was a rerun so I've been watching last night's State of the Union while placing all my chicken orders for Sunday's feast. Meanwhile, BossLady is by my side doing some work and every 5 minutes, I turn to her and yell, "I wish I knew how to quit you, Ennis!" (See! Still fucking funny!)
What's up with you, folks? Any Super Bowl plans? And more importantly, what's on the menu? Not gay chicken, I hope!