For the next month or so, I'm going to be traveling almost non-stop. I'm going to Vegas for a bachelor party, Florida for a wedding, Asia for work, and then Arizona for yet another wedding. And while I generally enjoy travelling, I can't stand dealing with airports.
Going through security at the airport drives me bonkers. Without fail, I always seem to get stuck behind the slow-moving moron in cowboy boots travelling with his stripper girlfriend and four carry-on bags filled with his entire collection of scissors and razor blades. What the fuck? Where do these people come from? How come I only see them at the airport?
Personally, I don't think they need to check EVERYBODY through security. I honestly think Asian dudes should be allowed to zip right through. We've never done ANYTHING wrong EVER!!!
(Sure, we deceived the entire scientific community by falsifying cloning data on embryonic research and causing an international scandal but that's HARDLY a security risk!)
But seriously, when was the last time you saw an Asian guy on a plane squeeze a flight attendant's ass, knock over the liquor cart and try to break into the cockpit? It's ALWAYS a drunk white guy! The only time an Asian dude ever caused trouble on a plane was when a Japanese guy used his chopsticks to poke into one of those cardboard chicken sandwiches that Continental continues to serve on EVERY SINGLE GODDAMN FLIGHT! Otherwise, we've never been a security risk. Just let us get on the damn plane!
Being Asian, I also tend to be very self-concious about my safety when flying. I'm no statistician but I've got this theory that airplanes are the biggest killers of Asian people. Think about it. We're ALWAYS going down in planes somewhere over Indonesia. And when we go down in planes? We go fucking DOW-UN! We don't go down in little Piper prop planes. Nope, we go down in giant Jumbo 747s. There's usually thousands of us on board at a time! And you know why the planes go down? Because the second-leading killer of Asians is tsunamis. If they don't get us on the ground, they get us in the air.
I heard a comic do a routine recently about how black people never had to worry about tsunamis. He joked that, in the entire history of the world, no black person had ever been killed in a tsunami. They could be strolling through the eye of the storm and walk away without a scratch. White people? Wind fucks them up. Hurricances LOVE white people! They only time they die in tsunamis is when they're hanging out with their Asian friends.
Anyway, the best thing about travelling is getting to the hotel. As some of you already know, my work takes me all over this country. And invariably (at least 9 times out of 10) when I'm checking into a hotel for the first time somewhere in the South or Midwest, the concierge will turn to me and say, "Hello, Sir. Welcome back! It''s nice to see you again!" Fuck me! Sure, I could probably let it slide but we all know I've got a little mean streak in me so I usually reply back in my snarkiest voice, "Dude, I have never been here before in my entire fucking life. Perhaps you are confusing me with of one of THE OTHER 2 BILLION ASIAN MEN ON THIS PLANET!"
You should see their faces when I say that! Most times, the concierges turn bright red and start stumbling all over the place to make amends. That's when I start hassling them for an upgraded room or free drink coupons. If they hesitate for even a second, I just look at them sternly and say, "Sir. I'm trying to stay very calm right now but it's taking all of my patience not to go completely Jet Li on your ass!"
Anyway, I'm done ranting now. Sorry. As always, if any of you are in an airport and see a tall Asian dude at the bar tossing down scotches, run up to him, give him a big hug, and be sure to yell loudly, "I just don't know how to quit you, Ennis!"
Who knows? It could be me.
(If not, you'll definitely give the guy something to talk about when he gets home.)