From the comments and e-mails that I've been receiving lately, I've come to the realization that people are actually visiting this site because they're seeking professional baby advice regarding their newborn or infant baby.
Unfortunately, folks, I'm sorry to inform you that I have absolutely NO professional or medical training in raising a child. I'm neither a doctor nor a child-care specialist. I just play one on the internet! (Shit, I gotta call Clooney. Just because he was on ER, I'll bet nobody asks HIM for advice when they're lying in bed with chest pains.)
However, I will say that, although I've only been a father for about 16 months, I certainly have learned a lot. And if you're actually at the end of your rope and you're coming HERE for advice, it's pretty evident that you've probably got nowhere else to turn. Maybe you don't have any family members nearby. Maybe you don't live near a local library. Maybe you just don't know any better.
So for those of you who are raising children and have absolutely no idea how to do so, I hereby offer you a quick tip sheet of handy parenting advice. I hope you'll find this information as useful as I have...
- Always store the baby in a cool dry place. If you're going to keep your newborn in a closet, be sure to include some cedar wood chips. Not only will this prevent moths from attacking your baby, it will get the baby's wrinkles out faster.
- At a very young age, you should tattoo your phone number on the baby's foot. This way, if you lose your baby when you're out clubbing, people will know how to reach you.
- Teething is a very painful process for young infants. Bubble gum is an excellent remedy.
- Baby carriers are very expensive. Personally, we use a Baby Bjorn. However, if you want to save some money, you can just use a regular backpack. Just be sure to poke some holes in the backpack before putting your baby in there.
- Newborns tend to sleep. A lot. However, too much sleep can be a bad thing. If your baby is sleeping more than 48 hours solid, you should probably call your pediatrician.
- Babies drool and spit up a lot. If you want to keep them from staining your suit or all your tailored shirts, put little cotton balls in their mouth when you burp them. Don't worry. They can still breathe. That's what nostrils are there for.
- Babies need to be washed a lot. Some people even wash their babies every two weeks! Learn to multi-task. If you're washing your car, put a snorkel on your baby's head. Then, you can just hose the baby down at the same time. Also, if you have cats, cover your baby in catnip. The kitties will lick your baby clean in no time!
- The best way to tell if your baby needs a new diaper is to throw it up against the wall. If it sticks, change the diaper. If not, you're good to go for at least another few days!
Anyway, I hope this advice helps. By the way, we've got another issue of the MetroDad Mailbag coming up soon so be sure to either e-mail me your child-rearing questions or leave them in the comments section. Because parenting is HARD work and one of the great things about the blogging community is the sharing of knowledge and experience.
And like Hillary says, "It takes a village."