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January 25, 2006

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Brent

What can I say? This post is brilliant, MD. Funny, thought-provoking and entertaining. Thanks!

Maggie

Ok, as a woman, I definitely hate Mariah Carey and Jennifer Love Hewitt...and also Gwyneth Paltrow, Kathy Griffin, and Kelly Ripa. You're right though. I do love Angelina!

bitemycookie

as always, excellent. every word. so what's it gonna be? city boy or country boy?

Melissa

Dude, tonight you are killing me. If I saw a day care center with a metal detector I would probably turn around and walk out. The building I work in has crazy security, but a day care, give me a break. I would stick to what you know, no offense, but you wouldn't make it in the suburbs. I wouldn't either for that matter. It is not a place that is meant for people like us. I can't stand either Mariah Carey or Jennifer Love Hewitt. But I also can't stand Jennifer Lopez or Paris Hilton. All four need to fall off the planet. And yes, as a women, I do understand Angelina's appeal. I think if I were a lesbian I would be in love with her. I guess I should change that to Lust. And as far as TV goes, we are like you, it only comes on when the girls are in bed. I am a Numbers fan, but at this point I could live without all the others. I can't stand reality TV. Oh, and I love Three and a Half Men. It's funny that you said that about Emily's Reasons Why Not, because that is exactly what my hubby said.

Matthew

Dude, can I borrow your life for just a few days? A two-day bachelor party in Vegas? Man, I need to find wealthier friends.

And as for the dolls, I have had a bitch of a time findng a 1/4 Mexican, 1/4 African American, 1/8 Native American and 3/8 Caucasian doll. Let me know if you find one.

As for all the female celebrities you mentioned, I wouldn't kick any of them out of bed for eating crackers. (I wouldn't have to talk to them right?)

mo-wo

I am so proud of the p-man that he thinks Angelina is kinda icky.

So of course I don't really mind her, then. But that neutral position was well in place after her entertaining performance in the role of my hero, and means by which I quit smoking, Laura Croft Tomb Raider.

margalit

Hate Mariah Carey with a passion. Don't really know much about JLH, never watched anything she's done and when I see her on talk shows, I stop paying attention. To me, she's a non-entity. However, I think Angelina is a disgusting skanky ho and I don't get anything about her. She always looks dirty, the latin tummy tat is just gross, and she appears to have a glossy eyed stare in every photo. So not my type, even if I were into women, which I'm not.

Now, on to the daycare thing. Um, there is no way in hell I would put my kid in a day care with a metal detector. Way too creepy for me. Our private elementary school had access cards and was always locked, and I thought THAT was creepy, but it was a Jewish school and needed a bit of extra security.

Baby disco? I think not. Those floors are so permanently filthy. Ugh.

As for TV, I watch a lot of it, but not what anyone else watches. I'm a PBS whore and will watch almost anything they show. I don't like the majority of sitcoms and still watch Seinfeld daily right before Alex Trebek, my all time fav show. Don't do the funky reality crap other than Amazing Race which I love for the travel and the social aspects of couples under extreme stress. I do like two new shows, Grey's Anatomy and Love Monkey. Otherwise, not so much.

As for gigantic poops, I'd bet my cat has it all over your kid. I haven't seen my kids poops in years but the cat box is scary. He only poops once every other day and he's got MY poops beat. They are HUGE. Aren't you glad I shared?

landismom

Well, I have suburban daycare, and while there's no metal detector, you do have to be buzzed in by a teacher. Or an eight-year-old at afterschool care.

I'm amazed (well, not that amazed) by the reaction against Jennifer Love Hewitt. My reaction to her is kind of meh. Now, a woman I love to hate? How about Condoleeza Rice? or Barbara Bush? (not to get all political on your ass)

Just wait until she starts pooping in a toilet, and then yells, "Dad, can you come wipe my butt?" You'll never believe what you see in there.

cc

Metrodad, funny stuff... we just had a Largest Poop Ever (TM) here as well... not sure how it happened, but I'm putting part of the blame on my plan to try to get the kid sleeping through the night better by plying her with biscuits and cheese before bed.

Also, congrats on not letting the little one watch TV... even educational stuff has absolutely NO benefit before age 2 or 3. You could spend 10 minutes interacting with a kid to teach them the same thing an hour of TV would.

(Having said that, my one-year-old daughter did end up watching a bit as I followed the election here in Canada on Monday; it was kind of cute to see her start clapping every time she saw the candidate's supporters applauding on TV... "No, no, honey, that man isn't who daddy voted for... don't clap for him.")

mdvelazquez

Women I love to hate?

Jennifer Lopez and Paris Hilton are at the top of my list.

Maria

Jan

I specifically search out the Asian dolls for my daughter (dh is Vietnamese). We recently aquired a Cabbage Patch Kid that my husband promptly named "Bok Choy".

I'm glad more companies are making the *ethnic* dolls because when she was younger, we had a hard time finding dolls that looked like her....

Now finding one to look like my son would be hard. He has Asian features, but blond hair....

bill

I used to run a Nightclub in Philadelphia. An after hours club. During the day and evening we would have Bat/Bar mitzvahs and sweet sixteen parties and I always thought "If these parents only know how much bodily fluids are on this floor...."

I cirnge thinking about a baby crawling on them.

Kristie

i would totally make out with Angelina. And i hate mariah too.

AWE

I am glad you got that off your chest. Quit holding back will you?

I enjoyed it as always.

leora

I literally spit coffee onto my desk, MD. That was hilarious. The titles of each section had me cracking up. Thanks for helping get my morning off to a great start.

(p.s. I would totally make out with Angelina!)

wn

MD, I think that was one of my favorite posts...EVAH!

Yea, I do hate Mariah....not even in a logical way. I think we're genetically programmed (as women) to seek out skank and irrationally hate it.

And you are also right about Angelina, I'd totally make out with her...like twice maybe.

Have plans to see Brokeback Mountain this weekend....this should be another reason for you to NEVER move the 'burbs...because movie selection SUCKS ASS! There.

That being said, the rest of the weekend will be spent tuning my lawnmower and eating me some cornbread.

David

Now as you guys seem to have taken Heidi Klum through model boot camp and franchised her to death, what is she doing back home here in Germany? Put her in Guantanamo or Bill Clinton's bedroom. I don't care. Just take her back and get her off MY tv screen. (PS I don't think even Mariah Carey likes Mariah Carey, if the gossip columns are right.)

Gene

Metro...as one of your loyal gay readers (who, for some reason, is hooked on parenting blogs), I just thought you'd like hearing that my partner and I also enjoy running around the house and yelling, "I wish I knew how to quit you, Ennis!" It's very amusing to us.

Oh, one more thing...we LOVE Mariah! AND Jessica Love Hewitt! AND Angelina!

goose

you know, i LOVED brokeback and cried all three times i saw it. and when i read your joke about ennis, i laughed out loud. i nearly cried when i pictured you playing blackjack in a 10 gallon hat. that is some funny shit. i second all previous posters about my hatred for JLo, Jennifer Love, Mariah and Paris. oh, and P.S., the suburbs suck.

Lucas

Bai Ling Barbie? Drooling the drool of regret into the pillow of remorse? Elton John's bachelor party? Ishtar? Oh man, MD, you're killing me. Too damn funny!

Susan

So. Much. To. Process.

I hate Rachael Ray. There, I said it. And I would TOTALLY make out with Angelina. But not with Brad Pitt. Go figure.

Sassy

The tuner on our tv has been broken for three years. It is awesome!

Who need tv when you have the internet and dvd's.
(And of course illegal downloads of all your favourite series (without ads!) if you're a really bad person)

CroutonBoy

Man, I've got college textbooks with less content than this. I had to cancel a meeting just to read it. It was all worth it to read a paragraph that included both hemorrhoids and "Cop Rock"

CroutonBoy

crap crap spelling error in comment on metrodad's site he'll kill me in a future post for this must fix: "hemmorhoids and 'Cop Rock'"

whew

amy

I HATE Jessica Simpson, Tara Ried and Paris Hilton. It's not a blonde thing--it's a stupid thing. I WOULD definitely make out with Angelina, and I've never leaned that way. Of course, part of it would just be to get near Brad.

My husband said the same thing about Heather Graham's show. Great minds think alike...

Juliana

Mmm, I hate Mariah, Jessica, Jennifer, Gwyneth and Paris. But I LOVE Angelina and would totally make out with her AND Bai Ling. I know, I know. I'm a little freaky.

John C.

DON'T move to the suburbs, MD!!! We've been here for two years and we're all dying a slow death. Even the kids don't like it here. We're looking to move back into Manhattan but haven't found a place yet.

Kemp

Sorry Metro, should have clued you in to the big poop phenomenon.

The Peanut Butter and The Jelly have both given the wife and I some that just make you look at and wonder what will be coming out of them when they are teenagers...

Grandmother

I don't know who JLH is but I think Mariah is too too icky! As a former disco queen, I think disco dancing for babies is a terrific idea! Thanks for the intelligent humor and rantings.

Linda B

That Asian doll totally needs a new haircut. Razor cut bangs are SO last season.

Susie

Wow, your television predictions are right on, MD! NBC just announced this afternoon that they were cancelling "Book of Daniel." Not because it was controversial...but because it sucked!

Maybe you do have a career ahead of you as a programmer for network television!

dutch

our daycare had a metal detector, one of those airport-sized security x-rays for bags, and a big black dude who would wand you when you walked in.

that might be because the daycare was in the same building as the California Supreme Court.

check and see WHAT ELSE is in that building, yo.

LeeMarvin

Dude,

WOW, the mutha lode! You been storin' this up for a while, eh? Some serious mental diaharrea. You're simply freakin amazing...laffed my ass off. If this is just the crap off the top of your head, what the hell are you like when you're focused?

We moved to the burbs and I DO miss my city crib, even though parking sucked. We moved for the kids to get them in better schools, but yea, the city crib would have been nice wit a big ass plasma...and yes, the burb people ARE weird. Can't step to the dolls; we got all boys and only one took to 'action figures'...enjoy Vegas, you lucky SOB...

TV for me is The CSI trinity, NCIS, 3.5 Men and subscriptions to on-line movie deliveries.

Yea, I know...BOOOORRRRRING...

enygma

Hey, man, I'm a suburbanite through and through and I don't mind it at all, as long as I can run into Chicago occasionally.
It's strange, I haven't watched television in about three years, but now that I'm all busy with student teaching, I started watching TV again. I'm an idiot.

ha

Just wait and see what the Peanut produces by the time she's 2. Let this be your warning. You haven't seen nothin' yet.

L.

I swore I`d never let my daughter play with those slutty-looking Bratz dolls, but now that she`s 9, I have relented. At least there are many that look kind of Asian.

You know, it`s not so much the ethnicity of Barbie that really bothers me -- it`s her physically impossible figure. Those big tits, tiny waistm slender hips and miles-long legs, all designed to give little girls an impossible ideal, compared to which they will all fall short someday. Can I add Barbie to the list of women that most women hate?

s

I hate Jessica Simpson with the white-hot intensity of a thousand burning suns.

the weirdgirl

Damn, there is a lot here MD. (And I've been feeling just as scattered lately.)

I have issues with the Bratz dolls (because they look like ho's) but I would probably relent simply because of the ethnic diversity factor. Little girls just like dolls that look like they do.

I'm probably the only woman who would not make out with Angelina. Yes, she's GORGEOUS... but her mouth has been on Billy Bob Thornton. Ew. (And I hate Melanie Griffith. How stuck in the eighties, am I?)

Mr. Big Dubya

Hasn't "Glitter" succeeded "Ishtar" as the biggest bomb? Look at that, I got two topics in one question.

Mrs. Big Dubya cracks up anytime I say "I wish I knew how to quit you" around the house.

Hate Mariah Carey. Haaaaate. How 'bout Ashley Simpson? Can we add her too?

When's the Vegas trip. Mrs. Big Dubya will be there soon as well.

Lumpyheadsmom

There's a company out there that creates dolls who look like your little girl (or boy, actually). Bump and I are totally freaked out by it. (www.mytwinn.com) You can get matching clothes and accessories for your child and her doll. It's creepy. We envision big brothers threatening these dolls over toilets everywhere.

MIM

I'm drunk, and I'm wishing Angelina were here. Right now. Really. Without a bra. (hiccup!)

Lunasea

Ahh. Cop Rock. Good times.

There's just something about Angelina. She'd totally make me jump sides, and I don't know why. But she's smart and seems to have some substance, and is totally sexy.

I hate Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie. It's one thing if people are rich and famous because they have some sort of talent or incredible chutzpah or beauty, but to have no talent whatsoever, not be very attractive and still make the tabloids because or...what? Good profile? Blegh.

Renee

Ok, I'm laughing my ass off about the whole "Brokeback Mountain" scenario. Am I the only one who thinks this is pee-in-your-pants funny? The mental imager alone...

crazyvirgo

thank for blogging me up, MD. i have to say, the Mariah phenomena is always a mystery. I mean, with all the hate for her, why is she still making music? who still buys that crap? Oh right, the same people watching "Love Monkey."

I can't EVER imagine reading the tales of SuburbanDad. don't do it!

suburban misfit

Oh lordy, don't get me started on my woman-hating.

Rachel Ray, Paris Hilton, and Madonna. I hate them. So very much.

And I wouldn't make out with Angelina. Something about her annoys me; I don't hate her but I don't much like her.

Now, Ashley Judd could eat crackers in my bed and I wouldn't kick her out.

daddyinastrangeland

Just posted something up on the doll tip, fyi y'all:
http://web.mac.com/quioguesperber/iWeb/daddyinastrangeland/blog/F3588402-E6E5-4F63-88C7-8B72B903B574.html

misfithausfrau

As much as I think you would have wacky and hilarious tales about the suburbs, I just don't think it would be the same.

Liz

OMG! Just found out about your site from my husband. This is hilarious! I love your blog!

kara

so much to read... where to being this comment? first: angelina jolie creeps me out. i don't know if it's the incest or the bloodplay but i wouldn't make out with her for money. jessica simpson, though hot, is so stupid that i would only be able to be around her for 3.4 seconds before i wanted to kill her. JLH is cute, but her eyes are uneven. yes, i did stare at her rolling stone cover for a long time trying to find a flaw, and that's hers. mariah carey? eww. i would, however, keep eva longoria as my love slave.
i'm glad you're happy about your asian doll. here's a tale from the city (when i lived there... before i moved to the suburbs, which is one block away from hell, just in case you're wondering) i was in the elevator of my building with another couple. i hadn't seen them before so i introduced myself. they were looking for a place to eat (we lived in the north end which is full of italian restaurants and tourists, they wanted to find someplace out of our neighborhood)so i said- oh, do you like asian food? i just had an amazing meal at pho republique! they looked at me funny so i suggested another place and then it was time to get out of the elevator. about an hour later, it hit me. they were asian. and i suggested an asian place. i suppose it's nice that i didn't even notice their ethnicity, but they probably though i recommended an asian place just because they are asian. oh well.

Rbrown

I've said it before and I'll say it again: are you seriously sitting inside my brain? Because I absolutely DETEST jennifer love hewitt - HATEEEEE HER. More than Mariah. I'm not sure why, but she....just....grates.....ewwww.

Crazy V, I must beg to differ on Love Monkey. I watch it. But only because I love the guy who played "Ed". Maybe he's the man men love to hate?

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