Sometimes I feel like there are so many things I want to share with all of you but the topics are all so random that there's not enough cohesion to write a unifying post. And lately I've been completely overwhelmed at work so I'm feeling a little scatter-brained. Last time I felt like this, I decided to just let fly with a random stream-of-conciousness post.
Well, in that same vein, I hereby offer you Part Deux...
ARE THERE ANY SEATS AVAILABLE IN FIRST CLASS?
The BossLady and I recently toured a daycare center in Manhattan that had a security guard, a metal detector and an x-ray machine. I felt like I was going through security at LaGuardia Airport. Does anyone else besides me find this a little unsettling? Now, don't get me wrong. I'm all for school safety but maybe now's a good time to consider moving to the suburbs?
OK. SO I PUT MY SHOES & WALLET ON THE CONVEYOR BELT AND WALK WHERE?
Who am I kidding? I can't move to the suburbs. I hate long commutes. I'm afraid of spiders. And I'm completely useless as a handyman. If I moved to the burbs, I'm sure people would just refer to me as "that weird Korean guy down the block." There was an article in the NY Times recently about people who moved to the 'burbs for their kids, hated it, and made a quick retreat back into Manhattan. One guy was telling some great anecdotes about adjusting to the change of pace and style in the suburbs. He said all those neighborhood restaurants that look really cute and quaint when you're househunting actually have really crappy food and shitty service. He could never get over the fact that people would actually stand in line for 15 minutes to buy a bagel or pay for the newspaper. And he said that all his neighbors were like aliens. On the outside, they all looked normal. But on weekends, they'd put on pink polo shirts, drink O'Douls and spend hours and hours mowing their lawns!
AT LEAST THEY DIDN'T GET YOU "BAI LING BARBIE" OR "SHANGHAI SUZY!"
Recently, Caucasian friends of ours bought Peanut an Asian doll. The doll's name is "Yang" and it's made by Corolle, a French company. At first, BossLady and I were a little taken aback and we didn't know whether to get our race-sensitive feathers all ruffled. It seemed like such a strange gift to give someone. But now, after mulling it over, we think it's absolutely fantastic and we're so grateful that our friends got it for us. The Peanut loves it and I'm genuinely glad that my daughter is growing up in a time when she's not restricted to only having dolls with blond hair and blue eyes. I know this was a big issue for many of my Asian female friends when they were growing up so I'm pleased that the 21st century has brought us such HUGE advances (and yes, that was meant to be sarcastic.)
Why am I being sarcastic? Because do you know that fucking Mattel has only made two Asian Barbie dolls? One was "Kira," from the International Set. The other was the collector's-edition "Fantasy Goddess of Asia" (Are you fucking kidding me? Racist!) Also, did you know that, every election year, Mattel releases a "Barbie for President" doll? Three flavors of the campaigning dolls are always released, complete with smart suits and sensible, shoulder-length haircuts: Caucasian, Latina, and African-American. Where's the love for my Asian sisters, Mattel?
I HATE THE WOMEN THAT WOMEN HATE BUT MEN LOVE AND THE FACT THAT MEN LOVE THEM ONLY MAKES WOMEN HATE THEM MORE
Recently, two of my favorite female bloggers, Bacon Grease and Crazy Virgo posted some hating on Mariah Carey (read here & here.) Now, as my lovely wife BossLady will attest, I can't stand Mariah Carey either. Every time I see or hear her, I start ranting like a lunatic. I just don't get her...or her popularity. Bill Simmons from ESPN has started a short list of famous people whom women love to hate. On top of this list is Jennifer Love Hewitt. Number two is Mariah Carey. Now, maybe it's the metrosexual in me but I can't stand either one of these women either. Sure, I liked "Party of Five" but I just don't get Jennifer Love Hewitt. Can you imagine if you were dead and got to communicate with only one living person? How totally disappointed would you be when you found out that person was Jennifer Love Hewitt?
But I think women hate Mariah even more. As Mr. Simmons wrote recently, "Just think, if Brad Pitt had dumped Jennifer Aniston for Mariah instead of Angelina, it would have potentially caused a riot -- he would have been blackballed by the entire female population. Not one of them would have forgave him. Poor Brad would have been the Hollywood version of O.J. But not only do women understand Angelina's appeal, many of them would probably make out with her if they were drunk enough. That's why this whole thing was somehow OK -- women don't like Angelina, they don't trust her, but they can't totally blame Pitt for what happened. Nobody can resist Angelina!" Ok, ladies, is this true? And which women do you love to hate?
GOOD LORD, I HAVEN'T HAD THIS MUCH FUN SINCE ELTON JOHN'S BACHELOR PARTY!
In a few weeks, I'm headed out to Las Vegas for a bachelor party. Now, whereas in the past, this would have been cause for great celebration---I'm a husband and a father now. And in all honesty, I really don't like being away from BossLady and the Peanut for that long. I don't get enough time with them as it is and I truly cherish every single minute of our time together. After all, how many bachelor parties can one go to in Vegas? It's always the same old story...load up on drinks, have an awesome meal, play blackjack until 4:00 am, win a little money, sleep in until noon, rent a bungalow poolside at the Hard Rock, play some golf, go to the spa, laugh with my buddies, and bask in some warm weather. HOLY CRAP! What was I thinking? If I ever turn down an invitation to a bachelor party in Vegas, smack some sense into me, ok? Woo hoo! Let's go! Mama needs a new pair of shoes! (By the way, if any of you are in Vegas and happen to see a 6' Asian guy in a 10-gallon black cowboy hat playing craps, just tap me on the shoulder and yell loudly, "I wish I knew how to quit you, Ennis!".)
IF YOU LIKED THE MOVIE, YOU'LL LOVE THE ACCESSORIES!
I'm just kidding. I don't really wear cowboy hats at the tables in Vegas. That was just a "Brokeback Mountain" joke that fell a little flat. I apologize for not making that clear. It's just that I can't stop running around my apartment these days and yelling, "I wish I knew how to quit you, Ennis!" (Let the record state that neither my wife, my daughter, my nanny, my superintendent, the Verizon repairman nor the Chinese food delivery guy think it's very funny. I, on the other hand, think it's absolutely hilarious.)
DROOLING THE DROOL OF REGRET INTO THE PILLOW OF REMORSE
The BossLady always wonders why it is that I so very rarely regret anything I've ever done. The answer I always give her is that I think that life is too short to be constantly dwelling on the past. We all make mistakes in life. And I always feel that my time is better spent reflecting on my mistakes and thinking about what I can learn from them in order to avoid making the same types of mistakes in the future. This philosphy has worked out well for me. But recently, we've been touring daycare centers around Manhattan. And you know what I regret? I regret not buying a plasma TV, a fur hat and a toy robot before I had a child. Holy crap! With the cost of affordable daycare skyrocketing, I think I'll be brownbagging it for the next 30-40 years! Brother, can you spare a dime?
WANT TO SPLIT THIS M&M I FOUND ON THE FLOOR? WHOA!!! THAT'S NOT AN M&M! BY THE WAY, HAVE I EVER TOLD YOU HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU? AND KEEP RUBBING MY SCALP. THAT FEELS REALLY GOOD!
Recently, a company called Baby Loves Disco has been organizing children's events in several nightclubs around NYC. The events take place on Saturday afternoons and generally attract kids up to the age of four. The premise is that kids naturally love dancing, flashing lights and bubble machines---so why not bring in some DJs and let the kids have some fun? A few of the clubs have even brought in some big-name DJs to mix up pop-disco hits and some underground house music. This generally sounds like a good idea. But I've been to these clubs and I can only imagine it will be a matter of time before a little girl hands a hit of Ecstasy to one of her parents and says, "Mommy, Mommy! What's this? Is it candy? I like candy. Can I eat it?" Maybe I'm a little paranoid but I think this business plan needs a little more work.
THE BIGGEST BOMB SINCE "ISHTAR"
I desperately try to not make my daughter's poop a subject on this blog. Unfortunately, I've already shared so many tales with you about her Total Ass Explosions and her Whopper malted milk-ball turds. So I might as well tell you that, the other day, BossLady was changing the Peanut's diaper. All of sudden I heard, "Honey! Come here! QUICK!" In a panic, I ran over to the two of them, only to see the LARGEST CRAP EVER in the Peanut's diaper!!! Sure, we were used to some big turds. But this was just a giant mass of poo! It had no shape or definition. It was just a huge array of poo! Internets, how come none of you warned me about this? WE HAD NO IDEA THIS WAS COMING!
WHAT ABOUT A SITCOM REVOLVING AROUND A NEUROTIC JEWISH COMIC WHO WORKS IN AN E.R.? OR MAYBE A REALITY SHOW WHERE WE REPLACE THE LEAD SINGER OF QUEEN BY HAVING AN ICE-SKATING COMPETITION AND THE CONTESTANTS HAVE TO EAT BUGS?
I'm not too proud to admit that I enjoy watching my fair share of television. It's ironic because, as a parent, I am adamantly anti-television. Although the Peanut is 15 months old, I've yet to allow her to zone out in front of Baby Einstein, cartoons or kids shows. When we have free time together, I read to her. We play on the floor. We''ll go to the playground. Or we'll take long walks around the city. I figure that she'll discover television when she gets to elementary school and all her peers are talking about certain shows. But that's a road we'll cross much later.
But when she's in her crib and fast asleep? Well, shit! Grab the chips and toss me the remote, bitch! This work/parenting thing can be exhausting. Many a night, I just want to sit in front of the tube and zone out.
Unfortunately, there's a lot of crap on TV these days. Half the shows are amalgamations of previously successful formats ("Well, they liked 'Dancing with the Stars.' Why don't we do 'Skating with Celebrities'?") But man, somebody needs to put me in charge of network television programming. Because I've got a lot of thoughts on the subject. In fact, I can sum up the entire demise of network television in precisely four words. You know what those words are? Emily's. Reasons. Why. Not.
That show had crapola written all over it. I literally told BossLady that the show would be lucky to last a single episode and, sure enough, it was cancelled immediately after its premiere. But, tell me, people! What's going to be cleared up first? My hemmorhoids or "Freddie?" And who's the brainiac that thought anyone would possibly be interested in "The Book of Daniel," "Crumbs," or "Jake in Progress?" Seriously? This crap is making me long for the days of "Cop Rock" and "That's so Raven!"
Ok, folks. I'm done now. As always, feel free to comment on any/all of the above. I know it's all a little random, disjointed and schizophrenic...but that's how I'm feeling these days. Mazel Tov!