As many of you know, this has been James Frey bitch slap week. For fictionalizing his best-selling confessional memoir “A Million Little Pieces,” Mr. Frey has deservedly been condemned by virtually every journalist and media outlet in the country.
It is therefore with great embarrassment that I too must confess to several “inadvertent errors” that may have misled you, my dear MetroDad readers, into believing that several previously disclosed facts about myself are actually absolute truisms. In coming clean with you, I hope to curtail what might surely have become a groundswell of outrage and moral indignation.
In all honesty, I like to think that any omissions that occurred in previous posts here on MetroDad were for literary effect. As Ruch Reichl, in the introduction to her memoirs, put it “Everything here really is true, but it may not be entirely factual.”
Nonetheless, on the advice of my attorneys, I think you should know a few things…
- I am not, in fact, a father. In actuality, I'm not really a big fan of kids. They’re loud, messy, obnoxious and, most importantly, very expensive. Why would I want a kid? I would much rather spend my money on a beach house and a Porsche than on a little rug rat. All stories on MetroDad involving a child are actually about my 4 year-old French Bulldog.
- Nor am I even a man. Anything that suggests otherwise on this blog was done purely for marketing purposes. Due to the fact that there are approximately 46.2 million “Mommy Bloggers” but only about 17 “Daddy bloggers,” my marketing team thought it would be prudent to tap into this growing niche and promote myself as a man.
- Sadly enough, I am not, in fact, a man of Asian descent living in Manhattan. I am just a totally average white chick living in Fresno with a fondness for Wonder Bread, mayonnaise and ‘N Sync. Although I do order in Chinese food every Sunday night, the precise reasons I have been posing as an Asian-American are actually extremely complicated. Suffice it to say, a lot of it has to do with the latest Census numbers, the cinematic release of “Memoirs of a Geisha,” and the coming 2008 Olympics in China.
Ok, those were what I guess you could call the BIG errors. Not THAT big of a deal, right? However, on advice of counsel, I would also like to clear up some other inadvertent errors that may have misled some of you…
- Stories from my early childhood that involved saving a girl from being crushed by a falling shelf, joining the Sunflower Girls troop, secretly recording household conversations and constantly referring to myself as “Scoop,” did not actually happen to me, but rather to the character Peter Brady on “The Brady Bunch.”
- Similarly, my later years spent as a disillusioned teenager growing up in an industrial town as the leader of a gang, being abandoned by my mother, the ensuing reappearance of my older brother, and subsequent emotional breakthrough with the help of said older brother did not actually happen to me, but rather to Matt Dillon in the film “Rumble Fish,” which I saw at a very young age, and which I could have sworn happened to me.
- The time that I spent in prison for a crime I never committed was also slightly embellished. I’ve never actually been in prison. However, I do have a fondness for prison films and, when I was 14, my parents took me to Alcatraz. On the way out there, I saw some seals!
- Sometimes, in a memoir, one combines certain elements of a recurring theme into a single coherent story. This literary device is usually done for the purposes of expediency. In my case, I have combined my many stories of drug and alcohol abuse into a single recurring story. In reality, these stories are actually plot summaries of the following movies: “Drugstore Cowboy,” “Barfly,” “Permanent Midnight,” and “Trainspotting.”
Finally, I’d like to say that taking liberties with the truth is a time-honored memoir tradition that applies equally as well to the world of blogging. After all, the word “memoir” has its etymological origins in French. And you know those people are HUGE liars, right? Besides, would you really come visit here if you knew I was just another white chick with a fondness for knitting, cats, sunsets and travel? You would? Really? No shit?
Ok, then come by tomorrow where I tell you my favorite story about yarn. See ya!
I knew it...
I mean, no one could be that witty (except me of course) without a whole team of writers behind them.
Seriously though, your falsified accounts of life are certainly more exciting than the truth, so keep it up. We'll keep the secret safe.
Posted by: Kemp | January 20, 2006 at 11:36 AM
#! - “Memoirs of a Geisha" is actually set in Japan, not China
#2 - You watch too many movies, Dude.
Posted by: Queen of Ass | January 20, 2006 at 11:36 AM
You crack my ass up, MD. You really are the funniest white chick from Fresno!
Posted by: Brent | January 20, 2006 at 11:50 AM
Right there with ya MD. I tend to elaborate for the sake of creativity on my blog sometimes. In fact, I'm just a black woman trying to live in a white woman's world. It's hard.
Posted by: crazyvirgo | January 20, 2006 at 12:27 PM
First of all, you owe me a new keyboard.
Secondly, for lying to me lo these many months, I will hunt you down like the dog you are.
Thirdly, I made up the second point. And the first.
Posted by: landismom | January 20, 2006 at 12:44 PM
Sally - is that you?
When I was home in Dubuque for Christmas your mom told me that you had moved to Fresno and were doing some "computer thing".
How's your little doggy? I got to see the glamour shots you had made with him - oh, boy, whatta cutie!
Posted by: JJ Daddy Baby Momma | January 20, 2006 at 12:58 PM
Aw crap...do we all have to confess now? Too bad all this shit hit the fan before I got to post my "No More Wire Hangers" story.
Some people have to ruin everything.
Posted by: panthergirl | January 20, 2006 at 01:09 PM
That is HILARIOUS, MD. Oh, lord. My blog was the I WANT TO POKE JAMES FREY IN THE EYE blog around the 10th and 11th. I ranted about him pretty much endlessly.
Not because I don't get memoir, but because I don't get the celebration of derivative hack writing with a feel-good message.
Posted by: Meg | January 20, 2006 at 01:23 PM
I was wondering what happend to my Vicodine and Jack Daniels stash.
Posted by: AWE | January 20, 2006 at 01:25 PM
Dude, this is some seriously funny stuff. Personally, I'm a little surprised that the media is making such a hug deal about James Frey. His writing is powerful and emotional. If it were a work of fiction, I would be equally transfixed. Leave it to you to do a brilliantly funny parody of Frey. I loved it!
Posted by: Stephen | January 20, 2006 at 01:31 PM
I KNEW IT!
Looking back, it all seems so obvious.
Posted by: Sarah | January 20, 2006 at 01:36 PM
BWAAAA HAAA HAAAA!
Posted by: Stacy | January 20, 2006 at 02:35 PM
BWAAAA HAAA HAAAA!
Posted by: Stacy | January 20, 2006 at 02:35 PM
Funniest commentary about James Frey that I've read yet! Great stuff, MD.
Posted by: Leora | January 20, 2006 at 03:14 PM
Oh, so you're a white chick...yeaaright...!
No white woman could be as cool as you are, OR understand Jules in Pulp Fiction!
White guy?....maybe...
Sorry, NOT fooled. I didn't believe all of Frey's story anyway.
Posted by: LeeMarvin | January 20, 2006 at 07:46 PM
Dude...In a post mocking James Frey, you somehow managed to quote Ruth Reichl, channel Peter Brady and reference Rumblefish! You're my blogging hero!
Posted by: Bradley | January 20, 2006 at 07:51 PM
I admit to a little shadenfreude re: Frey's bitchslap. I knew there was a reason why I could not get through the first paragraph of that book.
Posted by: CityMama | January 20, 2006 at 08:00 PM
That was perfection.
Posted by: gina | January 20, 2006 at 09:25 PM
And you know, none of us who comment on your blog are who we say we are, either. In fact, MetroDad, we`re all the same person, a bored computer nerd who hasn`t left his parents` basement in 15 years, who created dozens of IP addresses and personas just to fuck with your mind. Okay? Okay!
Posted by: L. | January 20, 2006 at 09:53 PM
So do you have any Wonder bread and mayonaisse recipes you'd like to share with us? You can't beat that old-time cookin'!
Posted by: the weirdgirl | January 20, 2006 at 10:20 PM
Curse you red barrel! I am in awe of this funny kick in the nads to the Author, even if you have a fondness for n'sync and knitting cats, or something like that.
Posted by: p-man | January 20, 2006 at 10:30 PM
Hilarious! Best thing I've read all week. But I guess you're going to tell us all this was a lie too, right?
Posted by: Chag | January 20, 2006 at 10:54 PM
So our intrepid reporter L. was just asking about blog fraud; we had our suspicions but would never have thought you would be the one among us.
I had hoped for Heather B.
Posted by: mo-wo | January 21, 2006 at 01:07 AM
Man. And this whole time I thought I really knew you. What a freakin' rip-off!
Let's pretend this never happened.
Posted by: DP | January 21, 2006 at 11:44 AM
HA!!
I'm just pissed that someone lent me the book the VERY morning the Smoking Gun published its expose, and now I can't figure out if I should read the book or burn it after all this hoo-ha.
Posted by: Anne Glamore | January 21, 2006 at 01:21 PM
MD-
Sometimes you kill me. I am still laughing 10 minutes later. So your real name is Bunny, right?? And whose cute baby pictures did you steal?
Posted by: Melissa | January 21, 2006 at 01:35 PM
Pretty much new to the -erm- blogosphere. Pretty much killing myself because didn't know you existed UNTIL NOW. Pretty much laughing my ass off. Pretty much checking back every 20 minutes FROM NOW UNTIL ETERNITY.
So, yeah. I'm your new stalker.
heh heh
Posted by: s | January 21, 2006 at 01:44 PM
First, Kevin Trudeau. Then, James Frey. Now you too ?!?!
YOU. FUCKING. BASTARD.
Posted by: BIYF | January 21, 2006 at 09:51 PM
Well, then, next time I'm driving by Fresno ('cause, let's face it, no one wants to actually live there), I'll have to look you up!
(I knew you loved cats, btw)
Posted by: Matthew | January 21, 2006 at 11:10 PM
Dude, you are so full of it. White chicks in Fresno would never even know to mention the fact that they like white bread and mayo. To them, it's just a part of life -- not a sign of being white trash. Sheesh.
Posted by: MIM | January 22, 2006 at 12:49 PM
Ha - I knew it...ever since that time you admitted you listened to Alanis Morisette at the gym...
Posted by: IFLYG | January 22, 2006 at 05:02 PM
Noooo!! Not you, too, Metrodad!!
hahaha...
Posted by: enygma | January 22, 2006 at 07:06 PM
wait, metrodad is actually Tim Carvell, the ice cream shoppe magnate; or is he really Heather B of Boogie Down Productions/Real World fame. y'all have got me so confused, I don't know up from down.
Posted by: dutch | January 22, 2006 at 10:32 PM
Mate, they gave you a computer in there?
How did you get your arms from out behind you and undo those buckles?
Posted by: chocolate makes it better | January 23, 2006 at 08:43 AM
It's difficult to know who to trust anymore.
Posted by: Pope Benedict XVI | January 23, 2006 at 02:48 PM
I would still love you if you were a big fat liar. I love liars.
To prove it, something I wrote last week on my *pre-baby blog*... a la Frey and etc.
http://www.pointytoeshoefactory.com/2006_01_01_archives.html#113760649564068236
p.s. yarn fascinates me. What's the story?
Posted by: girls gone child | January 23, 2006 at 03:40 PM
I would still love you if you were a big fat liar. I love liars.
To prove it, something I wrote last week on my *pre-baby blog*... a la Frey and etc.
http://www.pointytoeshoefactory.com/2006_01_01_archives.html#113760649564068236
p.s. yarn fascinates me. What's the story?
Posted by: girls gone child | January 23, 2006 at 03:40 PM
It could be worse -- the doll could be "Hanoi Jane."
Posted by: alice, uptown | February 05, 2006 at 04:56 PM