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December 28, 2005

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mabel

Thanks, I think I just wet my pants. You owe me for a new computer chair. The laser pointer? That was brilliant! I had an ex's mail forwarded to a university in Idaho. I don't think you will do any karmic time for that one buddy, but Juggs? Really? Tell me, where did you get the subscription card for that great form of literary achievement? All crimes against ex-loves (other than gross stalking/murder) are forgiven. After all, we have ALL been there. Both sides. Fed-Ex? Really? (giggle)

Brent

It's post like this that keep me coming back here, MD. I love your brutal honesty and wicked sense of humor.

Besides, I don't think any of your offenses were THAT evil. Seems like you were just a mischevious kid. Weren't we all? Crap, I did way more bad things than you when I was younger (which will go unmentioned because my wife sometimes reads your blog)!

Stephen

Dude...even when you're bad, you fucking crack me up! That was freaking hilarious. I can't wait to pull that magazine subscription prank on someone!

CroutonBoy

I'm not gonna get into all the bad shit I have to atone for...the horrific abuse of my brother alone is probably enough to get me first-class tickets on the Hell Express--but I love the live pig. Love it.

BTW, if you feel the urge to add to the karma list (what's one more thing?) try this: http://www.dogdoo.com/Default.asp

And I still can't get into Earl.

Leora

When I was a young lass in summer camp, there was a girl that I absolutely hated. She was like a mini sorority bitch in training. Not only that but she was absolutely awful to me. To get back at her, I substituted her shampoo with Nair. It didn't make ALL her hair fall out but there was some significant hair loss and she DID completely freak out. I kind of regret it now---but I'd probably do it again.

Lori

I think I inflicted the most pain upon my ex husband. We married young, 19. Divorcing 6 months later, I made him sign the papers stating I was to receive half of his salary for 18 months. He paid for me to live with my boyfriend, now my husband of 6 years. I feel a little bad... almost.

landismom

In reading this post, I'm struck by my own lack of originality in being evil. I mean, mostly when I'm being evil to someone, I'm just a bitch (no seriously, ask my husband!). But you? You are creating a story that they can tell for the rest of their lives.

I'm humbled in your presence.

Corinne

When I was in 9th grade, this little 8th grader had this major crush on me. So, I guess 'cuz I felt sorry for him, I said "Okay, we can go out" and then 30 minutes later, called him and dumped him. Pretty lame...
The best prank though, was when I graduated college, and a group of friends and I went to the beach. We rented this little KOA cabin that only had 2 rooms... a back bedroom and a front bedroom (no kitchen, no living room, nothing...). The guys stayed in the back room, and us girls in the front room. One of the girls kept running off to hang out with this guy, and wouldn't hang out with us... which pissed us all off. She'd get back at like 3 or 4 am, after we were all asleep. So one night, we decided we'd had enough, and elected our friend Craig, the biggest and hairiest of the guys, to switch places with me (the girl and I were sharing a double bed). So in she comes around 4 am, doesn't change, just crawls in the bed. 3 minutes later, thinking she's home free, Craig rolls over, lets out this deep manly sigh, and hugs her tight to him. He's not wearing a shirt or pants... just his undies... She pats his head, feels his arms, and proceeds to flip the f@#k out. We're all in the back room, laughing hysterically into our pillows as we watch from the back room...

Kemp

Not me... never, never. I never did anything bad... I was always a perfect innocent...

Although... I once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die... wait, that wasn't me that was Johnny Cash.

And Earl is quickly becoming one of my favorite shows. And I have a similar mancrush on Jason Lee, ever since I saw him in "Chasing Amy" - one of Kevin Smith's finest.

You're like a blogging version of Senator/Chancellor/Emperor Palpatine...

Nothing But Bonfires

God, I love My Name Is Earl. And the fact that it's followed by The Office means that I regularly turn down invitations on Tuesday nights.

When I was maybe nine, my little brother had this girl he had a crush on over to the house and I offered her a drink, but I put screwed up Saran wrap in her Fanta to look like ice. She totally drank it and almost choked.

And once this very dorky man with very small hands passed me a note in the library that said "would you like to go out for a...?" and then he'd drawn a picture of a drink. And I wrote "sorry, I have a ...." and drew a picture of a boyfriend and handed it back. I still feel terrible about that. But the small hands....it was kind of a dealbreaker.

xdm

In college, I peed on my roommate's toothbrush. I should have pooped on it.

S. Tsai

I once slept with my roommate's girlfriend. I once crashed into a parked car and drove away. I once spat in a customer's food. I also once stole money from my sister.

AWE

I thought I finally had those memories repressed and you did this.
My friends and I painted an older lady's utility building with Satanic garbage and signs using fake blood. I think she is in therapy now.

Stay away from Earl. I live in Earl land. I have Earl for a neighbor. Really!

jenstate

My mother is schizophrenic, so the laser pointing one made me want to cry. Sorry, MD, but you suck. How about volunteering at a mental health hospital to atone for that one?

Bryan

In the grand scheme of things, MD, I don't think you did anything THAT bad. Seems like most of it can be chalked up to some youthful indiscretion. Me? I was a real prick. I lied, I cheated, I stole. But you're right about one thing. Getting married and having children has definitely made me a better person. I look back at my past and sometimes I don't even recognize myself or the things that I did. Now that I'm a husband and a father, I try to live my life as honestly and openly as possible. It's a beautiful thing, ain't it, fatherhood?

Michelle

In college, my roomate and I threw lit firecrackers off our balcony. One landed under a pine tree down below, and it started going up in flames. We frantically called the fire department and reported that there was a fire (not admitting guilt of course) and then hid in the closet until after all the fire trucks had left. No one knocked on our door to question us, but it they had surely they would have smelled the sulphur from the fireworks. The tree was gone the next day. And a month later, they planted a small bush. We left that alone.

enygma

I used to tell my sister we found her next to the railroad tracks. In college, I found out that a lot of my friends 1.) did this to their sibs, or 2.) were told this by their sibs. I think it's a Korean thing. We're weird people.

Mr. Big Dubya

Forgive me Father MetroDad - it has been...oh...20 years since my last confession. That fact alone would be enough to get me 30 Hail Mary's and 40 Our Fathers.

Just one quick one: when I was stationed in Germany, there was a training area that had tons of wild boar and they would just raom through sites. One evening, my buddy and I collected the remains of dinner and made a trail to our First Sergeant's tent (he was a very large black gentleman with a certain flair for obscenity and creative uses of language) - I can still hear him screaming: Goddamn motherfuckers - get these pigs outta my fuckin' tent!

Mr. Wonderful

Nature or nurture? Gene pool or public pool. Where does it come from? Will our offspring Darwin this fun humor up a notch and kill small animals? Of course our offspring are all the latest accessories…’oh look what I own’
Just another view and I confess I gave my sister rabbit shit and told her they were raisins.

L.

Oh, dear. Most of my biggest regrets are failures to act, and not wrong actions.

When I was in college, I had a close friend with lots of problems with money -- she would write checks knowing they would never clear. Instead of helping her with her problem, I would...go shopping with her, or order pizzas with her late at night, and just looked the other way when she took out her checkbook. Her biggest mistake was bouncing a check to the college bookstore -- she was not allowed to attend her graduation ceremony. I have completely lost touch with this friend. Someone told me she`s a senior exec at Mircrosoft, and for her sake, I hope this is true.

I also teased my mother`s cats. I`m an animal lover most of the time, but man oh man, did I HATE those cats -- I blame it on sibling rivalry. The teasing lasted from the time I was six months old, until was, oh, 21 or so...years, not months.

MIM

Oh, please, honey. I am so NOT telling.

dakims

This is more along the lines of prank refrigerator-running, but when were were little, my siblings and I would call the local movie house and ask what movie was playing just to hear the person have to tell us it was the movie, "Ssssssss" - you know, the one when the guy turns into a snake. It cracked us up!! "What's the movie?" "Sssss." "What?" "Ssss." We must have called about 15 times. Pretty lame stuff.

In high school, my friend and I would look in the phone book for a listing that contains a man's name. Then we'd call the number and if a woman answered we'd say in our best Betty Boop voice, "Can I speak to Poopsie?" And when she said we had the wrong number, we'd say, "isn't this (real name from phone book)'s house?" Then hang up!

And yeah, my friends and I also signed up for gay porn in our evil coworkers names and had the brown packages delivered to work.

Dutch

In the freshman dorm, I was given a suite room that shared a wall and a bathroom with the R.A. I was HEAVILY into rap music at the time, and he had a problem with me listening to Raekwon's Only built 4 Cuban Links at 4:00 in the afternoon. This was a guy who, as far as I could tell, only owned one CD: that Garth Brooks one where he's wearing the black and white domino shirt on the album cover. Oh shit, he also owned the Shania Twain pre-crossover CD. Anyway, he wrote me up SEVEN times over the course of the academic year for my music. I got my revenge. He was dating a hardcore fundamentalist Christian chick and she was always using our bathroom so one day my roommate and I taped off our "side" of the bathroom (where the toilet was) and declared it ours, plastering the walls, the floors, and the ceiling with the entire contents of a Hustler and a High Society as wallpaper. If he wanted to take a shit (and trust me, he did, and they lasted for hours) he had to do so looking right at a centerfold spread of a guy feeding his gigantic uncut dick to a blue-eyed black chick. I used to piss in his shampoo, run his toothbrush along the edge of the toilet. We stole his picture from the locked "meet your R.A.s!" display cabinet and I did some masterful collage work with a naked chick's legs wrapped around him, her head replaced by head of the morbidly obese 2nd floor R.A. ("Jelly-Donut Jen"). That image was photocopied and widely distributed.

Let's see. I stole a cardboard leprechaun from the cafeteria and made a giant shamrock cock protrude from his crotch, which I put on his door. The coup de grâce came at the end of the year, when we took the ratty ass bike I'd been riding around campus (and leaving unlocked) up to the roof of the six-floor dorm (breaking two lock in the process) and threw it off onto the concrete below. About an hour later I was hiding in my now wife's dorm room when he showed up at the door with the police. Like any good accessory-after-the-fact, she hid me, and later I shouted to him in the hallway: "you can't prove it was me, bitch!" I got hauled into the Dean's office and was told I could never live on campus again, which like many punishments actually seemed like a reward.

And that was only over the course of nine months, BEFORE I STARTED DRINKING. I'll save the story about the time I broke into the college football team's equipment shed and dumped a bunch of gay porn magazines and unwrapped condoms in there to make it look like it was a cruising hideaway. I think I even stole a couple practice dummies. Shit, MD, if that's all you've done, someone should be fitting your back for wings.

Anne Glamore

I don't think this reflects poorly on me and my middle sister; I just think it makes my youngest sister look dumb. We told her she was adopted from Cambodia and that her mom was a cow. We also taught her her hometown and state, but we told her to say Baltimore, Maryland, which was nowhere near where we lived, because we were hoping that if she got lost she wouldn't make it home because my parents let her do anything she wanted. Like sugary cereals and unlimited TV.

p-man

I went to a parochial high school back east for 3 years. The long-time reverend retired after my 1st year. To welcome the newbie, the night before the first service of the year, a group of us emptied the chapel of everything but the pews, the wafers, and the wine (which I stole later that year. Brights! It's worse than blood!). We hid the bibles, the hymn books, the weird little pamphlets where they tell you which psalms are up that week, the big vellum bible, and the gilded lectern in the supply room in a plywood casket. I don't know why there was a casket in the supply room.

Good times...

kara

for a few years, my totally senile and stone-deaf great aunt lived with us. she had chronic back pain and was on some serious medication for it. she couldn't have access to the pills herself because she'd OD in a matter of hours (she'd take a pill, and forget she'd just taken one, and ask for a pill every 10 or 15 minutes for the next 4 hours. good times). so, one day, i was on auntie duty i snapped. i (for some strange reason) had about a year's worth of placebo birth control pills in my room (you know, the ones they gove you to take while you have your period?). anyway, i emptied her painkiller bottle of real pills and filled it with placebo birth control pills. i told her she could take as many as she wanted. she popped those things like candy for the rest of the day, and i had some peace.
did i mention she was a devout catholic and totally against birth control? well, at least it looks like i'll have a lot of company in hell.

misfithausfrau

Why oh why am I thinking that you either wrote "Harold and Kumar go to White Castle" or Harold was written with you in mind?!
I can only think of one REALLY bad thing I did in college. I hooked up with a guy who turned out to be dating my co-worker, but I didn't know it. It wasn't until I was telling her about a guy I met at a bar who I thought lived next door to her apartment at Varsity Village. It wasn't until she turned all kinds of purple with rage after I told her his name, that I realized what had happened. I exacted revenge with a pizza box and some excrement. And that's all I'm saying.

LeeMarvin

MD,

You have nothing to worry about; you're a choirboy compared to some. And yes, the shit does come back to you! You must be prepared to re-live some of the less-fortunate situations in your life via your children, just as you would the proud ones.

"Chips off the old block" can be good AND bad!

I was fairly mischevious in my early years.

I was still in diapers when I killed my goldfish, by accident. We were out of pet food, but the baby powder bottle had the same type of lid, so I assumed it was fish food.

At about 5 or so, I spit down the back of our only TV set (it was a small b&w), and it sizzled. I thought, "cool", let's try some more...a cup of water later...big sparks and a lot of smoke. Scared the livin' crap out of me...my mom couldn't figure out what was wrong until she picked it up and water was dripping out of it...

At twelve, I set a[n] (abandoned) car on fire, by accident, playing with matches. A friend and I were in an old '56 Chevy Belair in back of an old abandoned fire hall next to where my grandfather lived. One of the matches went down into the (cotton) seats and started to smoke. We booked from the scene, knowing we wouldn't get caught. My uncle was a fireman, and unfortunately, he showed up to help put out the fire. I was on the other side of the block. That was telling to my uncle and grandpop...every other kid was at the scene. I come walking around the corner after the fire's been put out, and everyone is gone...I can still remember the beating (yes, it was a BEATING!) I got. My pops NEVER said a word; just started whailing on me. Definitely cured me of playing with matches!!

That's enough for now... I'll tell you about the BB gun shooting some other time...

bitemycookie

i used that mag sub prank on an arch nemesis in high school. still a big, big weiner in my mind. LOVE that one. wow, metro, sounds like you and i coulda had A LOT of fun together back in our trolling for bad karma days!

LeeMarvin

PT 2...
Hey, a little un-focused today...

I never really did anything bad to anyone else; I always did it to objcts and ended up in trouble. I always thought about how I would feel if someone did those things to me...except for the joy-riding...

Krissy

The worst thing I think I ever did to anyone deliberately was the time I was about seven years old and threw a tea party for all the girls in the neighborhood.

My mom made me invite the girl halfway down the bock that had problems and who nobody liked. After the "tea" we all went inside to play and we insisted to her that her mother was calling her and that she had to go home.

Basically we all yelled at her until she left.

I feel like complete shit because of it, and have since I was seven. I've even tried to look her up to apologize and ask her to yell at me, but I haven't found her yet.

It may not seem like a big deal, but I'm sure it hurt her so much. Poor thing. What a shitty thing to do to someone.

L.

Almost forgot -- when I was 7, I painted our black cat yellow.

I know, I know...B-O-R-I-N-G. I ought to enhance the story, and say something like, "When I was 7, I cut the cat`s balls off and made little earrings."

Jason

High school, senior year. Senior Class Scavenger Hunt. Among the items on the list were the following: live lobster from grocery store (check), runway light from local small-plane airport (check - it was a two-man job; my girlfriend waited in the car, my best friend unscrewed the light, my orders - "watch for planes")...and a tombstone from a local cemetary (check). See, the old ones are hard to remove because they've been stuck in the dirt for a while, but the fresh ones, the ones from newly-planted coffins - why, they pop right out!

We put it back. Honest.

OTRgirl

The laser pointer made me sad, too. Some of the other ones were brilliant though.

Inner City Cincinnati. We lived in a 4-story rowhouse. We loved to hurl gunpowder snaps (sounded like gunshots on impact) to land just behind pedestrians below. It helped that they were walking through a zone where gunshots were believable sound effects.

2nd grade. We had no money. We had to do Valentines for our entire classroom. Mom made me cut out and hand-write all of them. The first 22 were fine. The last four were mean. I wrote to people I didn't like, but I accidentally mixed up a mean one with a nice one the day we put them in each other's bags.

The teacher called me to the front of the room to try to figure out why the normally sweet little white girl put a mean Valentine in the bag of the nice black girl with the cast on her arm!! It wasn't intentional, but it made me writhe in embarrassment on Valentine's Day for the next 10 years.

Lunasea

Well, you've made me feel quite a bit better about myself. Thanks.

panthergirl

OH MY GOD... first of all, I am loving that show too.

Secondly, I too did the "Bill Me Later" thing to someone.

Can I do this too? I'm nominating you for the Best Daddy Blog on B.O.B. ... now can I do it?

Dollymama

Great list. I love that magazine subscription idea. That could come in handy later on.

Things I've done and regretted:

In college I stole pumpkins from a roadside stand with some friends. I feel very bad about it still.

Another college thing was the night my friends and I got the idea to take license plates off of cars. We picked a parking lot, took our screwdrivers, and removed all the plates, scattering them in the field nearby. I still wonder how many people had a bad day because they didn't have their license plates on. How many got pulled over or were late to work, or had to replace theirs? That was stupid and I feel guilty about it.

There's probably more, but these two are the worst. Now I'm hanging my head in shame.....

AndreainJapan

The only think that I can think of that has even a teeny tiny bit of comparison to you guys (very funny by the way) was taking the bra of this one girl that we really didnt like and rolling it in the fiberglass insulation for about 10 minutes then putting it back into her suitcase at camp. We greatly enjoyed watching her the next day.

tpon

Given the fact that you have so generously shared with us (and I am still laughing about the magazines), I will share with you (to make you feel a little better).

In 8th grade, I made a girl cry by telling her that her parents were paying all of the rest of us to be her friends. I went on to describe an eleaborate payment system that accounted for additional "hang time" like sleepovers and afternoons at the mall and compensated us for birthday presents, etc. I also might have mentioned something about that month's checks being late, but there is no proof.

I will save a place for you in hell.

Philip

You seem to have touched a nerve here. You failed to mention how you planned to atone for these karmic transgressions and set things right in true Earl fashion . . .

Jen

Great list. The laser thing made me sad, but I still laughed.

Where do I begin?! When I was a kid, I was fascinated by poopholes. Conveniently, I then got a "doctor" kit and spent hours chasing the cat, named Normal, trying to take its rectal temperature. Poor cat wasn't Normal for long. I also got the kids at my local Montessori school to line up so I could take their rectal temperature with those rods that teach you fractions. Bad me.

Also at Montessori, I got everyone to climb up a ladder on top of a building and when people started threatening to listen to someone else, I kicked the ladder down, marooning the would-be mutineers.

When I was 11, me and my pals went to a mall and spit on people's heads from the upper floors.

In college, my skinny dancer friend and I decided to steal the mascot of the one macho dorm on campus. We were going to glue breasts on him. Unfortunately, the cheerleaders saw us and ratted us out to the campus police, who conveniently lived at this dorm. We were caught putting the mascot into the trunk of her car. When the musclebound guy said, "two women apprehended trying to steal Chuck," I knew we were safe and pissed myself laughing.

Chocolate Makes it Better

You beautiful evil bastard

Mitchell B.

I have to say that I love "My Name is Earl" also and your list is fucking brilliant.

pia

Earl reminds me so much of somebody I lived with, I can't watch it; I just can't...

Wonderful list

crazyvirgo

Thanks MD. You inspired my blog for the day, and a story I hadn't thought about in ages.
You're getting even better than Sedaris with your storytelling capabilites. Publish this shit!

anne

There are a ton of mean things I did when I was younger, but I sure as hell don't want to take them back! And they sure as hell don't compare to your bad deeds...

amateurdad

Props to you for admitting your man crush. It's hard for some guys to admit...take me for example...I was just watching tv with the wifey and we saw that Angelina Jolie might be prego with Brad's kid. I looked at my wife and said, "That baby will grow up to be hot." That's when I realized that I might have a little closet love for Brad Pitt.....but if that's what it takes to get in good with Angelina...I'm in. OKay...I digress. Sorry about that.

Janet

No sophomore slump for Earl. I think you've got season 2's material right here.

Marty

There's a lot of things I could probably put, but something I'm really sorry for is using my Mom's eyebrow tweezers to pluck my nose hair.

Queen of Ass

Sweetpea, you come visit Dallas for a few days and I'll show you all about redneck.

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