A letter from the Peanut (age 14 months)

Dear Da-Da,

You know how much I love you, right?  After all, you and I go waaaaay back.  Aside from the lady who takes care of me all day and that other woman who shoots warm milk out of her chest, you are definitely one of my all-time favorite people around.  I love that you let me stick my finger up your nose all the time.  I love your funny faces.  And I love the fact that you want to hang out with me all the time. 

But, Da-Da, I’ve just got to say one thing…What. The. Fuck?  What’s going on these days? Where the heck am I?  I feel like I'm inside one of those psychedelic Baby Einstein videos.  Don’t you know I’m a Weissbluth baby?  Holy crap, Da-Da!  How about a little refresher course?  ‘Cause you’re really messing me up these days and I’m getting a little stressed out here. 

One day, I’m sitting in our living room, enjoying the soothing rumble of the sanitation trucks and the screeching wail of the fire engines.  Next thing I know, we’re out in the  middle of someplace called Texas.  I don’t know where this Texas place is but the people there are fucking enormous!  Don’t they read Baby Vogue?  Have they never heard of Atkins, tofu or wheatgrass?  And why the heck did you keep putting those cowboy hats on me and laughing?  I’m going to remember that for a long time, Da-Da.   

Anyway…just when I start to get comfortable back in NYC, what do you ass-clowns do to me?  You screw up my routine again and take me to someplace called Denver.  WTF, Da-Da?  It’s freezing here!  My milk is chilled like a martini and my sippy cup is like a freaking icicle!  And is it me or is my nose like the Trevisi Fountain of snot?  Seriously, you don’t have to feed me anymore.  I’ll just eat this IV drip of boogers that keep streaming into my mouth. 

By the way, what’s with this puffy red snowsuit?  It makes me feel all chubby and stuff.  Also, I overheard some lady say that I look like a little red Ewok.  I don’t know what that means but it doesn’t sound flattering.  That’s why I coughed in her face when she got all up in my grill.  Besides, NOBODY squeeze my cheeks unless I say so.  You know that, right? 

Anyway…all I’m saying, Da-Da, is that I think we need to call a truce.  You stop messing with my sleep routines and I’ll stop making your plane rides a living hell.  Now, do me a favor please and heat this bottle up, ok?  I’m cold and I need a nap.  And if that lady comes by with those peanuts again, grab me a bag, will ya?  Oh yeah, and buy yourself a scotch, Da-Da,and put it on my tab. 

I love you, Da-Da.  You’re the best!

Sincerely,
The Peanut   

 

 

Comments

[kara]

"I’ll just eat this IV drip of boogers that keep streaming into my mouth."

Classic.

[Pattie]

This has to be one of the funniest things I've read in a while--it's simply creative genius. And thanks for my new favorite insult, "ass-clowns." Glad to hear the Peanut is happy to be heading home to the Big Apple. Can't wait to hear about some of her other adventures down the road.

[Leora]

Hahaha...personally, I liked the line "that woman who shoots warm milk out of her chest." Too funny!

[Brent]

For a second there, I thought there actually was a Baby Vogue. I had to google it to make sure that no such ting really existed...yet. Funny post, MD!

[Queen of Ass]

How sweet! She's thinking of you already! What a dear.

[amateurdad]

Did you say "Ass Clown"?

[MIM]

Yeah, that's the unfortunate thing about you awesome sleeping Weissbluth babies -- take you out of your routine and get all bent.

[crazyvirgo]

dear peanut - you're a very understanding baby, and dare i say it, an old soul. i truly appreciate your honest with MD. there aren't enough honest babies in this world. thanks for putting it out there for the rest of the kids that can't speak yet. have you ever thought about writing a book. I think you have some very valid things to say. It may seem obvious to you, but generations of babies have been silent and now that you've spoken, you can't go back to the silent confines of your crib.
Sincerely,
crazyvirgo

[melina]

Darn. Those city kids really do grow up fast. Peanut's a pretty bright and articulate 14-month old. Must be in her genes!

[CroutonBoy]

"Little red Ewok" = justifiable homicide

[Stephen]

The Trevisi Fountain of Snot? I'm never going to look at my kid's runny nose the same way ever again! Too funny!

[Linda B]

Hilarious.

I was beginning to wonder how you got Peanut to sleep so well during your travels.

Now I know. Ha ha

[landismom]

MD, you are in big, big trouble. Imagine what the Peanut is going to want for a high school graduation gift, if she's already reading Vogue? I'm thinking a Versace gown.

[bitemycookie]

sounds like the old girl knows who is in charge around he'a.

and foo wondered if she looked like a peawok? i said probably.

[Chocolate Makes it Better]

The peanut has a tab!

[enygma]

Haha...I wonder what'll happen if you and BossLady decide to inflict road trips on her when she gets older.

[RBrown]

Peanut said "ass clowns" AND has a tab? When will Peanut be old enough to fly to SF and let us all buy her a drink? 5? She's the coolest baby ever....and I"m not just sayin' that cause I want to be on her tab.

Don't settle for no stinkin' cold milk, Peanut!

[misfithausfrau]

You ARE staying home for Christmas, right? I mean, you'd better! I'd hate to read THAT letter if you all go off for X-mas/New Years!

[mabel]

I'm from Texas, and this is so true. Love you peanut! Get your dad in line...

[Matthew]

Oh man. "Little red Ewok."

I just about blew a blood vessel trying to hold in my laugh ('cause, you know, the kids are sleeping).

[DP]

My blood vessel was saved but I did manage to shower my laptop with Diet Coke.

"Little red Ewok" -- it doesn't get any funnier than that!