Tales of Tryptophan, Turkey & Texas

We just returned from visiting the BossLady's folks out in Dallas.  As always, we had a wonderful time.  The grandparents were absolutely thrilled to hang out with the the Peanut and we all enjoyed our little inter-generational love-fest.  Personally, I've always thought that 4 days is the perfect amount of time to spend with ANYONE'S parents so, despite our jolly-good time, I'm glad to be back in NYC. 

Anyway, as I usually do when I'm a little jammed up in the office, I thought I'd engage in a little random chaos theory.  If there's a unifying thread to all this, let me know.  My shrink and I would love to hear what it is.  Otherwise, I hope that you and your families all had a great Thanksgiving and that none of you burned your houses down by deep-frying a turkey. 

SHE'S NOT MY BABY.  I'M JUST THE MANNY!

You know that nightmare baby that you sometimes encounter while flying?  The one who cries incessantly, only pausing to moan or whimper?  Well, flying out to Dallas, our little Peanut was THAT BABY.  She'd woken up too early that morning, was thrown off her schedule and was overtired all day.  By the time, we got on the plane, she was in total meltdown.  How bad did it get?  At one point, I took her to the bathroom to give our fellow passengers a break.  Suddenly, she stopped crying.  I don't know whether it was her fascination with the blue toilet water or the fact that she unrolled about 800 feet of toilet paper in a 3 foot space but I wasn't going to disrupt the silence.  We ended up hanging out inside the toilet for about 20 minutes!  You should have seen the smile on her face!  When people knocked on the bathroom door, I just grunted loudly like I was battling a giant turd.  Unfortunately, when we came out, Peanut started wailing again.  And as I handed her off to BossLady, I could have sworn I heard myself say, "Here's your daughter, lady.  I'll be at the bar!"

BRIBERY, COURTESY AND "THE PRICE IS RIGHT"

We travel enough with the Peanut to know that there are good flights and there are bad flights.  And usually, you don't know which one it's going to be until you get on the plane.  That being said, I like to think we're pretty courteous people who respect the rights of those around us.  I bring this up because we were so scarred by the flight out to Dallas that we started coming up with a game plan for the return flight.  I won't go into details but the plan involved buying a large box of ear plugs, a few bags of candy and a stack of Continental drink vouchers.  We didn't have to use any of them but, just out of curiosity, would that have made things better?  Has anyone ever given you a sympathy bribe on a plane before?  Because I'm thinking about packaging these up and marketing them to itinerant parents.  What do you all think?  Is this a million dollar idea (or just a 5 cent one)? 

TURKEY IS A GATEWAY DRUG TO AMBIEN

We don't eat turkey on Thanksgiving.  The last time BossLady and I ate turkey was 7 years ago.  We were dating long-distance.  She was in L.A. and I was in NYC.  One weekend, she took the Friday night red-eye and arrived at my apartment around noon.  We lounged around for awhile and then decided to order in some buffalo wings for lunch.  And although the wings looked suspiciously large, they were mighty tasty so we indulged ourselves to our heart's content.  Feeling a little full, we decided to lie down and take a nap.  The next thing we remember was the sound of my phone ringing...14 hours later!  Turns out the buffalo wings were Turkey wings and we'd both overdosed on Tryptophan.  BossLady had to leave a few hours later so it turns out that she'd flown a total of 10 hours just so we could have a meal and a long nap together.  We swore on a jumbo wing that we'd never eat turkey again.

IS THERE A SWEETER PHRASE THAN "JACK-IN-THE-BOX DRIVE-THRU (OPEN 24 HOURS)"?

Last time I wrote one of these chaotic posts, I ended up discussing my love of Jack-in-the-Box.  Well, it turns out that they opened a 24-hour establishment less than 5 minutes away from my In-Laws' house!  (For those of you who are vegetarians, please proceed to the next post.  Otherwise, NSFW.)  Not only did I go there every day to get my beloved Sourdough Jack with cheese and extra bacon, BossLady was reunited with her Spicy Chicken Club.  And the Peanut?  Her new best friend is the Oreo milkshake.  God bless America.  God bless fast-food.  And God bless Dallas (where, judging by the increasing girth of its denizens, I think a baby's first words are, "Hey, dude. Can I get fries with that?")

BETTER TO HAVE LOVED AND LOST THAN TO HAVE NEVER LOVED AT ALL

The in-laws don't have cable TV, TiVo, DVR, high-speed internet or Wifi.  Sometimes, I felt like I was on a bad episode of "Survivor: Plano."   

I WAS ONLY GONE FOR 4 DAYS BUT IN BLOGGINGBABY.COM TERMS, THAT'S LIKE 275 POSTS!

Ahhh...God bless Blogging Baby!  Without them, how else would I have kept up on Jennifer Garner's pregnancy, Rod Stewart's newborn and the state of lesbian cloth diapering in Western Mongolia?  Just kidding.  I can give them a little shit because all my favorite bloggers are now working for them.  And if you want to play a little game, here's a pretty fun link that allows you to try and match up the bloggers with their baby photos.  I'm guessing my buddy Dutch is the one dressed like a street urchin, Jay is the weird kid with a goatee and Stefania is the cute one.  In a similar vein, we'll be running a similar contest over at DadCentric next month (except there, you're going to have to match the blogger with a drunken photo of his ass!)

THE SUBTLE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN WEIRD, DYSFUNCTIONAL & JUST PLAIN CRAZY!

During the past four days, I've watched BossLady's father unconsciously rip a flurry of belches at the dinner table that would have made Belushi proud.  Another night, I watched as he decided to start repairing the motor of his edge trimmer...on the kitchen table...at midnight.  I also got to witness BossLady's mom and her cooking OCD.  Watching her in the kitchen is like watching Iron Chef on amphetamines (and by this I don't mean me doing some smack and watching TV.  I mean it's as if the Iron Chefs took some meth and started cooking.)  I love watching my MIL.  She'll cook until she's absolutely wiped out and collapes from exhaustion.  When she wakes up?  It's right back to the kitchen.  If the results weren't so gastronomically amazing, it would be almost frightening to watch. 

It's funny because these idiosyncrasies of her parents are sometimes embarrassing for the BossLady but, on the other hand, I think they're absolutely endearing and totally charming.  These weird habits of her parents only make me love the BossLady more.  But of course, after thinking about it for awhile, I can see where she's coming from. I know there are PLENTY of times when my parents will do something that not only drives me to the brink of insanity but also absolutely embarrasses the hell out of me.  Witness...

Whenever we’re in a restaurant and my father wants something, he snaps his fingers and yells, “Senor!”  It doesn't matter whether the waiter is Chinese or Italian, my father somehow believes that Spanish is the universal language for the food-services industry.  Similarly, he also doesn’t believe it’s necessary to have an empty mouth when having a conversation.  These are basically two of the many reasons I don't invite friends out to dinner with my folks anymore. 

I was once playing golf with my mother and some of my buddies when we looked up the fairway and saw her sitting in the middle of a giant orange tree. After climbing down, she then ran over to us yelling “Here, boys! Eat, eat!  Oranges!  Vitamin C! It’s good for you!” Not only was I completely embarrassed but she then went on to birdie the fucking hole.

I'm not even going to bring up my father's ability to clear out a room with his farts or his tendency to cut his nails in public.  The list literally goes on and on.  But as I sit and think about it, I wonder whether it's all some sort of manifest destiny.  In a way, I think parents are supposed to embarrass their kids.  It's all part of some cosmic circle involving payback and penance.  And knowing this?  I can only begin to think of the numerous ways that I'm going to embarrass the Peanut in front of all her friends as she gets older.

But want to know the truth? 

I can't wait!

 

 

Comments

[enygma]

I think my parents and I are at the point where we embarass each other.

[Pope Benedict XVI]

My turkey was very dry, and I was quite disappointed.

I also mistakenly fell asleep on a friend’s couch and then awoke to “The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” on the television. I can’t say I’ve been more horrified in all my life.

[Pattie]

Glad to hear you guys made it safely back to the big city. Sounds like your Thanksgiving went really well, despite the Peanut's plane misery (I think your idea's a million dollar one, BTW) and the primitive home entertainment/computer conditions that would have driven weaker mortals to suicide (myself included).

And I can totally relate to your elation upon discovering a nearby JITB. That's how I felt when Virginia Beach finally got a Quizno's.

And now back to my usual Monday night PB recap. :)

[Brent]

My parents seem to have made it their life's mission to embarrass me in public. Farting or burping in public? Hah! That's nothing. In public, my dad scratches his balls constantly, picks his nose freely, wipes boogers on the table, yells constantly and constantly displays an impressive carpenter's crack. And that's all on a GOOD day!

[Jane C.]

We also spent the long weekend with my parents who had no cable TV, TiVo, DVR, high-speed internet or Wifi. I felt like I was living in a cave. Hard to believe how far we've come, isn't it?

[Heidi]

Million dollar idea MD...and bosslady's mom sound a lot like my aunt with her kistchen antics. Eevryone needs one of those robochefs around the holidays.

[RBrown]

My mom once told me the opposite: that her kids unknowingly did MUCH to embarrass her at very young ages. Her most embarrassing (and now mine) story was when I was about 3 and she had to take me in the ladies room stall with her because we were in public. I asked her, in apparently a very loud voice, why she had a beard on her bottom. Yep, that's right. Classic. I hope that's not too weird to post but my mom and I still laugh at how absolutely mortified she was when she heard the other ladies laughing and how she didn't ever want to emerge from the stall. Poor woman.

So maybe Peanut will start to embarrass you early...???

[ShotgunDaddy]

Turkey has to be the most overrated meal in culinary history. I don't mind it if it's sliced in a deli and folded onto my sandwich, but in any other form it's just a waste of time. I finally drew the line about five years ago, vowing never again to have turkey on Thanksgiving, and I haven't looked back. Ham, stuffing, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, fried noodles, rice -- all good. Just hold the turkey, please.

And by the way, the second most overrated item in culinary history? Pumpkin pie. Stick with apple pie -- this is America, afterall.

[misfithausfaru]

I had to laugh when you mentioned the idiosyncrasies of your parents and in-laws. When my father was alive he blew his nose during every dinner in a restaurant. It wouldn't have been so bad had it not sounded like an angry elephant and startled nearby patrons. I will never forget the day he scared a bus girl who was walking by with a tray of plates and glasses. Yep, she jumped and dropped the tray. I wanted to die. My MIL has a problem with random belching (big ones) and she always say, "OH! I don't know WHERE that came from!"

[misfithausfrau]

When my father was alive, he took every opportunity to blow his nose during dinner. I was always mortified when he did it in restaurants because it sounded like an angry elephant and always startled patrons. I will never forget the time a bus girl walked by with a tray of dirty dishes and glasses. Yep, she jumped and dropped the tray. My father was oblivious to the fact that he caused it. I wanted to die. My MIL belches while eating and always says, "OH! I don't know WHERE that came from!"

[landismom]

I'm astonished at how dependent I've become on high-speed internet, considering I've had it at home for less than a year. At this point, the concept of dial-up is pretty terrifying.

And I think your travel kit apologia is brilliant. Definitely a million-seller.

[CroutonBoy]

It's a man's God-given right to belch at the dinner table...the louder the better. Methinks I would like the BossDaddy

Also, good idea on the plane bribes. However, I think it would be more appreciated if it also included a parachute.

[Queen of Ass]

OH MY GOD! You were HERE, MD! We should've had coffee or something!

[Ed Bacchus]

Wish I would have known you were in Plano. That is where I live and spent my holiday. We could have met at a Starbucks and compared families, believe me, I would have won hands down. Look for my post tomorrow about my Wednesday Thanksgiving day Dinner.

[Linda B]

I think there are many people who think a mouthful of food is required for conversation.

My dad also has a knack for doing very cute and very embarassing things in restaurants. One time he was motioning for the waitress and when she came over he opened his mouth to ask for ice water and it sounded more like "Ice WAHBURRRP"

Nice.

[Tawnya]

Totally agree with the plane bribery idea...a million and a half dollars for that one! I'd like to place my order for three kits to arrive the morning of December 20. With three flights to endure with my 19 month old over the holidays, I would also like my kits to include a bottle of single malt and a number of random sedatives...for me.

[Margalit]

You wanna hear embarassing? When I was in high school and out on a date, at 11pm on the dot my dad would turn on the burgler alarm and wait. When I got home I had to ring the doorbell because he would not give any of us the alarm code. When he answwered the door, he was ALWAYS in his boxers and a wifebeater. And he would just stand there glaring. Put a real damper on my social life until I went to college!

Your family sounds endearing. Just keep telling yourself, it's a cultural difference....

[Matthew]

My wife worries about me embarrassing the kids every time I write a post about them. She's certain they're going to be embarrassed by me mentioning they have a huge zit when they're five months old.

I tell her this will all be useful for their therapist.

As for the bribes on the plane, I would have gladly taken them from you MD. Never turn down a free drink on a plane, I always say.

[Dutch]

Margalit, God someday I want to BE your dad!

[Melissa]

Good - I'm glad my kid was not the only nightmare on a plane this year. Sheesh, and she is normally my easy one. Maybe I should take this opportunity to make a public apology to all on the flight from LAX to DIA on Wednesday afternoon. I've forgotten the flight number, but oh do I feel bad. I promise to buy you all drinks next time. Ahhh, I feel better. Now MD - I have to ask, does your dad play "pull my finger" with the Peanut? It’s my dad's favorite game. Luckily we missed that enjoyable experience this trip, because we went to go and be with friends. I love the Sourdough Jack and Milkshakes and would rather have it than turkey. I can't stand turkey, although I love all other holiday food. Glad you had fun. Did they at least have internet hook-up? Do you have wireless?

[Corinne]

So glad you got Jack-in-the-Box :) And as far as those little things that bug us... we alll have parents like that :) When our family visits my grandmother's farm, and then return home, there is what we call a "farm-fart"... the water at my grandmother's house is incredibly iron laden, and smells to high heavens. So anything made with the water (tea, cooking, etc) that is ingested smells HORRIBLY for days... and it's so embarrassing, that no one can hide from it... so we all sit and laugh about the farm farts... quite entertaining... :) (and I'm sure, wayyyy TMI)

[the weirdgirl]

Oh, that story about your mom and golfing... classic! I'm going to try to not intentionally embarass my children, having been a victm of that growing up (my father would call us "monster" in public... can you imagine? me at 12, trying to buy "grown up" shoes and being called monster in front of the clerk and all the other customers? and then him laughing really loud); but I don't think I'll be able to help the unintentional enbarassments. Climbing a tree... I can already see that in my poor kid's future.

[L.]

It never fails to amaze me that what horrifies us about our own parents actually comes across as endearing when we tell the stories to others -- well, except for the farts.

[Nothing But Bonfires]

It could be worse. He could say "Garcon!"

[CityMama]

First, 2 tacos for 99 cents. What is it about deep-fried soy protein and American cheese that is so freaking delicious.

And, my mom used to check us for boobs and pubes when we were kids. In front of her friends. She thought it was hilarious.

[Marty]

I feel so deprived because I've never eaten at Jack-In-The-Box!

No Tivo! That's just fucking horrible. I hate when I'm somebody's house and I grab their remote and I slowly come to the realization that it doesn't have the reverse button.

funny post! good to know i'm not the only one with embarassing family members.
my husband and FIL like to play a game they call "shoot each other with farts". they like to play it in public, of course, b/c that's where it's the most fun! one of them will come up to the other one and pretend to shoot them while letting out a huge fart. they both crack up while my MIL and I try to act like we don't know them. oh, and i'm with you on the public nail-trimming thing. that's one of my pet peeves.

[Brent]

Holy crap, MD! I can't believe nobody commented or noticed that photo you put up for this post. That's fucking hysterical! Where the hell did you find that? You crack me up, dude!

[METRODAD]

Congratulations, Brent! You're the winner of the 2005 Most Astute MD Reader Award. Your prize is in the mail. Wait by the front door for it. It'll be there any minute now!

In all seriousness? I can't believe that over 3,000 people read this post and not a single one noticed that photo...until you! Kudos to you, Encyclopedia Brown!

[L.]

To be fair to those of us who are getting on in years and have less-than-perfect eyesight, it`s impossible to appreciate the photo unless you click on it to enlarge it -- which I just did, and I now understand why my hub is so grossed out by turkey!

[Stacy]

Umm... would you turn me in to DFCS if I told you I've been known to give my peanut a few drops of Children's Nighttime Triaminic before a journey? You would? Okay. Nothing to see here, folks, move along...

[amateurdad]

Some of your quotes are too hilarious:

"Like I was battling a giant turd"

That one is up there with....

"When can a brother get some motherfuckin' cheesecake around here?"

[ShotgunDaddy]

Okay. So I happened to be looking at your site when my five-year-old daughter walked past the computer and noticed the small little picture of the three turkeys waiting to be cooked. "What's that Daddy?" Oh, those are turkeys. Watch...

And then I clicked on the photo to enlarge it for her, something I HAD NOT PREVIOUSLY DONE. And what did we both see? A strange man curled up like a turkey with his naked ass hanging out. Nice.

Luckily, Alison was focused on something other than the ass. "Why does that one have real feet?" I closed the window as fast as possible -- I don't know, Allie. Kinda weird, huh?

So thanks for that, MD, thanks for that.

[matt]

Next time you're in Plano, you may lack connectivity but you will have great Vietnamese food. The team behind Nam Phuong, a great NYC restaurant, has closed it down and decamped for Plano, where they will be opening a restaurant called Zenda House. I may actually have to plan a trip to Plano just to eat their salt and pepper squid again.

[air airline american mile]

Prejudice will always be a part of society

[john]

More or less not much exciting happening today. I just don't have anything to say. More or less nothing seems worth bothering with.