Monday mornings are a bitch, aren't they? Commuting to work via the NYC subway system not only sometimes inflicts salt to the wound but also often truly tests the outer limits of one's patience. With apologies to my friend Heather, I offer a brief glimpse of my Monday morning. Thankfully, it's going to be a short week.
How to Annoy Me
Spread your legs wide while sitting in a crowded subway train, thereby taking up two full seats. Then, cough up a lung without
covering your mouth. Finally? Refuse to give up ONE of your damn seats for a pregnant lady. Don't you know how much that
fucking pisses me off? I would have excused the leg-spreading and the coughing. But there was no way I wasn't going to get all up in your face for not offering your seat to a pregant lady, asshole!
How to Charm Me
Saying thank you. People don't realize how far a simple thank you can go. (Bonus points for remarking that I must be a father myself, asking whether I have a photo of my child, and cooing for an embarrasingly long time while looking at the Peanut's pic on my cell phone.)
I saw a man on the subway today and he had bigger boobs than any woman (pregnant or otherwise) I've ever seen. It was grotesquely fascinating and I found myself rapt with scientific curiosity. What's the biggest cup size of any man on the planet? Would it be in the Guiness Book of Records? Would they have shown it on "That's Incredible!"? What kind of support system would be needed with a rack that large?
No real poop stories from the Monday morning commute. But last Friday? There was a man on the train who smelled as if he'd mixed poop with some Indian food and then rubbed it all over his smelly feet. On the one hand, I was totally grossed out. On the other hand, I sort of started craving Indian food. Kind of weird, eh?
Poop (Part Deux)
Yesterday, the Peanut's butt machine-gunned out what looked like a whole carton of Whoppers malted milk balls! Twice! We checked her diaper and there were literally about 10 of these perfectly-formed poo balls that were so well uniformly well-polished that they looked they were made by Hersheys. I was in such total awe that I wanted to zip-lock the balls of poop, stick them in the fridge and show them to everyone who came over to our apartment.
For pretending that I didn't smell the poop in my daughter's diaper this morning and letting her walk around with a diaper filled with crap until the nanny arrived because I didn't feel like changing her diaper due to the aforementioned traumatization of the Whoppers incident. Feeling guiltier for hearing the nanny in the other room exclaim, "Wow, Peanut! That's quite a poop! How long has that been in there?"
I Take Pictures Every Day with a Nikon D70
Ok, I don't take pictures every day with my D70. But we did take this one recently. The leaves were changing colors so we decided to take a drive up to Storm King Art Center, an amazing outdoor sculpture and nature museum in upstate New York. If any of you are ever visiting in the Tri-State area, go check it out. It's one of New York's secret pleasures. Anyway, we call this photo "A Man, a Girl and a Biscuit."