Confessions of a Grammar Nerd

In the interest of complete disclosure, I want to admit something to all of you that I've been holding out on ever since I started this blog.   It's only fair that I come clean now.  I almost feel like I've been lying to all of you by omission.  But, Internet, I'm here to expose myself now and finally tell the truth...

I am a complete (and borderline dysfunctional) grammar and punctuation freak.

It's not that I get appalled when I hear someone butcher the English language.  It's more like every fucking bone inside me writhes in pain.  I'm not like normal people.  I've come to accept that about myself.  It's something I've worked on internally for many years.  But sometimes I kid myself into thinking that I've got it under control and can safely reenter the world as a functioning member of society.  But last night, I had one of those conversations that rapidly reconfirmed the fact that I'll never be completely cured.  It turns out that I can't even order dinner without raising a ruckus. 

Witness my phone conversation tonight with Carl's Cheese Steaks...

Me: "Does the steak chili have beans?"
Carl's: "Yeah, a few.  Less than regular chili though."
Me: "You mean fewer?"
Carl's: "What?"
Me: "You mean your chili has fewer beans, not less."
Carl's: "Are you fucking kidding me?  You want the God damn chili or not?"
Me: "Yes, please.  How long will it be?"
Carl's:  "When it's ready, I'll have someone bring it over to you."
Me: "You mean he'll take it over."
Carl's: "What?"
Me: "Um, nothing...Please don't spit in my food!"

Ok...so I left out that last part about spitting in my food.  But let's face it, people.  I've worked in the food service industry for years.  I've scrubbed floors, prepped food, bussed tables and waited on hundreds.  Let's be honest.  We all know that he totally spit in my food.  Or dropped some rat shit in there.  Maybe even coughed on my cheese steak.  And you know what?  I totally deserve it.  I know I deserve it.  And I still can't help myself. 

Part of the problem stems from the fact that my mother was a linguistics major in college.  She speaks six languages and has always been a stickler for correct grammar usage.  It's funny because English is nowhere near her native language but, when I was a child, she was constantly correcting my grammar.  She'd even correct my friends' grammar.  It used to drive me fucking nuts!  It's probably what drove me to therapy.  (On the other hand, my father came to this country barely speaking a word of English.  I like to think I'm the illegitimate love child of Strunk, White & Fu Man Chu.) 

But as if my problems at home weren't bad enough, my parents then chose to send me to a very small prep school that was famous for its traditional focus on the classics.  In particular, the school was known for producing a bevy of talented writers (famous alumni include Jack Kerouac, William Carlos Williams, James Salter, Robert Caro,and playwright Ira Levin.)   So not only was I a seventh-grade geek studying Latin, I was also being exposed to an environment that had a zero-tolerance policy for incorrect grammar or punctuation.  I'm not saying my teachers used the cane but there were several times I thought I was going to pee my pants because I was having problems with the subjunctive. 

Life, over the years, hasn't gotten much easier.  It's tough being a stickler for punctuation these days.  The feelings of panic, anger and isolation are not easily understood by others.  Frank McCourt once wrote about missing his bus because he was so angry to see a billboard with the movie poster for "Two Weeks Notice."  Who was responsible for this?  Where was the apostrophe?  The producers certainly would have used it if the film were named "One Month's Notice" or "One Week's Notice."  What happened to "Two Week's Notice?"  Do you care?  Probably not.   But my problem has deep-seated ramifications that affect my daily life.  Witness...

I stopped going to Food Emporium because all their checkout signs said, "10 items or less" (it should be "fewer.")

When someone asks me when I finished college, I literally flinch on the inside when I say "I graduated from Cal in '91." (instead of "I was graduated from Cal in 1991.")

I loved Steve Carrell's work on "The Daily Show" and I continue to love him in "The Office."  But this past year, I really did cringe every time I saw reviews of "The 40 Year-Old Virgin" (correct title should be "The 40-Year-Old Virgin.")  I almost couldn't go to the movie. 

And although I'm lactose intolerant, I still would never order sweets from a restaurant that listed "Deserts" on its menu (Remember..."cold desserts taste good in the desert.")

I know I've got a problem here.  I'm really trying to get better.  But in actuality, it's probably much worse than you think.  In fact, don't even get me started on bad spelling, dangling participles, misplaced modifiers or mix-ups regarding "they're", "there", and "their."  I'm working on it, my friends.  But does anyone else have the same fucking problem?  Am I really the only one who cares about this crap? 

CORRECT GRAMMAR IS THE ONLY THING THAT HOLDS US TOGETHER AS A SOCIETY, PEOPLE! 

(I'm the only one, aren't I?) 

 

 

Comments

A true nerd would never say "named for", should be "named after" for example...

"Madison Avenue is named after James Madison"

'named for' is one of those Americanisms that deviates from the proper English for no aparrent reason.

Another one that pisses me off its "talked with" or "spoke with" - you speak TO someone, they speak TO you and that bipartied arrangement contitutes a conversation WITH someone (unless you're actually are speaking in tandem with someone such as when reading a speech in unison or describing how an elementary school class greets a teacher)

[Carol]

You HAVE read "Words Fail Me" and "Woe is I," have you not? You'd love 'em! (Er, I mean "them.")

Also (no, I wouldn't start a college essay with "also"), I remember how to spell "dessert" and desert" this way: "Two desserts (two s's): yummy, one desert (one s): plenty.")

Carol

[AP Inspired]

You have made my day! I love knowing someone else is just as obsessed over grammar and punctuation!

[Issie]

I read through the comments and came across someone asking about the less/fewer rule. I'm not as passionate about grammar as previous commentators but I absolutely hate not knowing the reason behind things, so I'm gonna explain it. (I'm an ESL teacher, if you care to know.)

Less is used for uncountable nouns, such as "I earn less money than you." It can also be used as an adverb, in contrast to "more". E.g., "I eat less now that I am not exercising."

Fewer is used for countable nouns. In this case, "10 items or >" is countable, therefore it is "10 items or fewer". Another example would be "She has fewer marbles than John does."

By the way, I disagree with MD's "bring/take" diagnosis. It's fine for the waiter to use "bring" in this case as he was speaking to MD, and the food was to be brought to MD. It's similar to the grammar of "come/go". On the other hand, American usage often differs from British usage, so we may both be right.

[spell check]

Seriously, this already borders on paranoia and OCD dude.

[Anonymous One.]

Ooh Haiii!! I has them freinds; their had it probelm with gramer n stuf like it. ya them are suferd alot becaws of this thign like u; u isnt alone in it probelm,,, me can imegene u crys were u see"s thet post me maked.

-Laughs Out Loud Hilariously-

Sorry for making you suffer with my post that is totally messed up, I think that it's a bit sad that you have such problems, you should try ignoring it, and getting out more.

- Anonymous opinion-maker.

[Tai Nycole]

I know I'm 5 years late but ITA! I absolutely DETEST grammatical errors, they make me nauseous. I sometimes want to be a teacher just so I can correct papers with typos. I don't want to deal with the students, though. Ahh, well. Thanks for the post!

[meatpopsicle]

Umm... Shouldn't it be "pee IN my pants", rather than "pee my pants"? Peeing pants sounds painful, to say the least.

[free online flash games]

Okay, but do you correct the grammar and spelling of the comments left on your blog?

(I might have done this a few times.)
+1

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[Jaime]

In the late middle ages there were seevral occurrences that have shaped how our world is today. The agriculture was sprouting and new types of nutrition rose from the ground. The trading gave taste of culture to different parts of the world and the understanding of what traditional things are used for, such as fur (warmth) for weapons (safety). Exploration and religious beliefs had a significant imprint on everyone in the late middle ages, from finding new lands to creating more societies. The biggest change was science, philosophy and most importantly technology. Without technology our modern day society would be nothing. We wouldn't have the compass, gun powder, the printing press, the navigation of the world oceans, and the early phases of colonialism. Technology is and was the key to the future to come and the past.