When I was a single man living in the city, I used to dress up as a drunken priest every Halloween. I invested in a decent costume and I got a lot of mileage out of it. I think I must have worn my priest costume for a solid 7 years straight. It almost got to be kind of a joke with my friends. But the real beauty in the costume was that it allowed me to accomplish a multitude of objectives all at once. For any single men (or women) out there contemplating various Halloween costumes, I offer you the following advice:
1. The costume must be cheap. This is important. No self-respecting man should ever spend more than $20 on a Halloween costume. If you can get away with just wearing make-up, that's even better. But under no circumstances should you ever go to a Halloween party wearing the jersey of your favorite professional athlete. Aside from being unoriginal, there will inevitably be 10 equally unoriginal guys at the party wearing the same uniform.
2. It needs to be easy to take off and shouldn't impede one's ability to get drunk. Sure, it's fun to get dressed up in a gorilla costume. But inevitably, you end up sweating your balls off and emitting strange odors. It's always a poor decision to go overboard with an overly elaborate costume. Donna Martin dressing as a mermaid for the West Beverly High Halloween party is a classic example. Julia on "Party of Five" going as Tippie Hedrin from "The Birds" is another.
3. You need to look good in it. Hence, the reason why women on Halloween always dress as one of the 8 million variations of the slutty bunny/cat/genie/nurse/angel/cop/french maid or schoolgirl (this is basically the equivalent of saying "I'm up for some casual sex tonight" or "In my real life, I'm sexually repressed.") For guys, you need to be a little more original. Remember, it's hard to look attractive to the opposite sex when you're dressed as Gay Hitler or Screech.
Anyway, for me, the priest outfit was absolutely perfect. A little unoriginal? Yeah, you might say so. Offensive? Possibly. Sacriligeous? Yeah, I'm REAL worried about that one. (Sorry, have we met? My name's MetroDad and I'm going to Hell!)
One year ago, the BossLady had literally just given birth to the Peanut so we weren't really in a position to go out and celebrate Halloween. I did have some good ideas for costumes but we never got past the conception phase. One idea I liked was to wear the Baby Bjorn on my back with the Peanut in it and go as the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Instead, the BossLady and I dressed as haggard, overtired new parents with bags under our eyes. They say reality is always the best costume.
This year, I had a few ideas for some good costumes. One idea was to dress in one of those old skeleton outfits, wear some fancy clothes on top and tell people I was Nicole Richie. The BossLady also thought it would be fun if we dressed as Jin and Sun from "Lost." I could dress as I normally would except with a set of handcuffs on one wrist and a fishing net over my shoulder. It also could have been funny, being Asian, to dress the Peanut as Maddox Jolie (of course, we would have had to carry her all night because Maddox''s feet have yet to touch the ground.)
In the long run? I ended up coming to the shocking realization that I didn't even have any Halloween parties to dress up for. And I also realized that, since having a child, my funnest Halloweens are still probably ahead of me. Being the goofball that I am, I can't wait to dress up with the Peanut as she gets older so we can all go trick-or-treating together. It's something that my parents never did with me and it's something that I always swore that I'd do with my own child. And the Peanut, the BossLady and I have many years to do this together. I can't wait.
But as for this year? Well, I think I'm just going to see where the bunny takes me...