Situational Comedy

Many of you know that when the BossLady became pregnant, I completely immersed myself in parenting literature and read almost every single book ever written about both parenting or childcare. (What can I say? Being an insomniac, speed-reading neurotic is dangerous sometimes.)

Now, I'm not going to get involved in the whole controversy regarding the validity of these parenting books. Who really cares? For the BossLady and me, we read all the books, digested all the information and culled what we thought would be useful. Some information helped. Some didn't. C'est la vie.

No...my real complaint is that nobody seems to answer the really hard questions about what it's like having a child who's almost a year old. Because if there's one thing that I've learned in my 11 months as a parent, it's that every day brings a new set of situations where you're forced to make game-time decisions and all the reading in the world won't help you out. As an example, I'm going to give you a couple situations where all the books in the world wouldn't have helped. Maybe some of you more experienced parents can help a newbie out with some advice. Anyway, here they are...

(1) You're holding the baby in your arms in someone else's living room, which is swathed in the plushest white carpet available this side of Persia. The dog is at your feet. All of sudden, your baby's ass explodes in a volcano of diarrhea. It's blown the doors off her diaper and is oozing down your leg onto the white carpet. Suddenly, the dog starts licking it all up. But the combination of the smell and the sight of the dog eating your child's diarrhea are making you nauseated and you feel like you're about to vomit. What do you do? And in which order?

(2) Your daughter loves sticking things in her mouth. Anything. Anywhere. Anytime. Your wife isn't home yet so it's just you and the baby. Do you let your baby chew an unplugged electrical cord, nibble on the dog's chew toy and suck on one of Daddy's smelly gym socks? Knowing that the removal of any one of these objects from her mouth is going to lead to some serious screaming? Or is it all relatively harmless and will only build character? What do you tell your wife if she finds out?

(3) You and your wife work full-time. While at work, you both miss your daughter tremendously and can't wait to get home and play with her. In the morning, you get to play with her for a solid hour before you have to go. But at night, sometimes you only have 20 minutes together before it's time for her nighttime bottle and bedtime. Not nearly enough time and you want to make the most of it. So exactly how long can a baby go without being bathed? Can you bathe her 3x during the weekend to make up for it? Or can you hold out until she smells worse than the dog? Eactly how often does a child need to be bathed?

(4) You meet an attractive woman at the playground and she starts cooing at your daughter and remarking how absolutely adorable she is. She mentions that she and her husband have a child the same age. When her equally attractive husband comes over with their daughter, you look inside the stroller and witness what surely must be the illegitimate love child of Chewbacca and Shrek. You've never seen a hairier baby in your life. You didn't even know babies could be that hairy! What do you? Do you swallow the vomit in your mouth? Or do you coo back at the baby lovingly and remark how beautiful she is? After all, they've got to know, right?

(5) Your daughter was breastfed for the first 6 months of her life. And as much as she loves eating solid food now, old habits apparently die hard. Every time a woman holds your daughter, she reaches down the woman's blouse and tries not only to grab some breast but also attempts to put her mouth on the woman's nipple. What do you do? Laugh it off nervously? Pull your daughter off? Or smile tepidly and ask the woman, "got milk?"

Whatchoo got, Internet? Whatchoo got? (No really, I'd like to know.)

Comments

[Melissa]

MD-
You freaking crack me up. I've got to get my boyfriend to look at your site. Anyways, I have a few answers for you. To number 1)Laugh your ass off, and remember it - my dad still tells a simular story. As a teen I was mortified, however, as a parent of two girls, I now find it quite funny. 2)Either pick shit up or let her do it. My youngest is 14 months and does the same thing. As long as it's not cat poop, I generally don't care. Hey, the first one has made it to almost 4, so I guess we did good. 3)I have the same problem, but sitting in the bathroom with my girls as they bathe can be quality time. 4)I can't help, I've had the same problem. Rent the queens of comedy. Funny lady talking about ugly ass kids named Denzel. You'll laugh your ass off. And 5) well you got me, I bottle fed mine. Gasp. I know, I'm horrible. Anyways, good luck, and keep blogging, your's is one of the most interesting I've found.

[Shannon]

HAHAHA Now I know why so many other dad blog reference you.

1. I'd just go ahead and throw up. I mean, what have you got to lose? At least you'll make the kid feel better.

2. Electric cord-bad
Dog toy - ok if recently wiped with a baby wipe
Sock - I forget, was it clean?

3. I've found that sitting in the bath TUB with the boys can be quality time.

4. Once I manage to stop laughing, I'd try my best to compliment the child...in my best Klingon !!

5. We have the same problem here - the boys get upset when I embarass them by doing that in public. Hey wait - did you say the "kids" went after the boobs??

Shannon

[AdventureDad]

Hahhahahahha. Way to kick off my Monday morning

1. Sorry, your on your own here. Never had those problems with our offspring. Closest resemblance is going to airport in Cabo San Lucas (Baja California, Mexico) in a hurry and son's 10 month old cousin releases the largest diarrea poop I have ever seen (in the car seat) She's sitting in a pool of smelly poop and we are in a hurry to the airport. We just had to stop and attempt to clean it up...

2. Our kid is the same. Yes to all of them. We don't forbid our offspring to do much and instead try to explain things he shouldn't play with. Works very well so far. If wife complains say you were trying to expose baby to different things to improve immune sytem. If mommy sees my answer she will kick my sorry ass for a week. Seriously, tell the wife the real story, never lie. Karma baby, Karma.

3. I like dog-smell.... Depends on how active your kid is and how warm it is. More baths in the summer of course. Here in Sweden they recommend twice a week, max three times. In Mexico (and US) they mostly bath the babies every day. That assumes you clean baby well after every poop. Do whatever works for you but careful with the delicate baby skin.

4. Tough call. I would make an unrelated comment. Like "wow, she's really large/small for her age", "look at those cute feet", "those eyes are beautiful", "wow, what a nice outfit". You get the point. Remember, never lie

5. I don't think this is embarrassing at all. When it happens to me the women usually think it's kind of cute. Plus it gives me an excuse to look at/touch their breats..... You can always compliment the woman with " you're breasts are so nice, no wonder my baby loves them". Ok, bad idea

Have a nice week ahead MD!

AD

[ShotgunDaddy]

Excellent work, as usual. My first thought is that experience is the best teacher. What I've found is that once babies #2 and #3 come around, you tend not to sweat such things, especially the chewing. Basically, if it's not poisonous or plugged in, it can't really hurt them, no matter how dirty it might be. I ask you, what's the difference between a pacifier and a month-old cookie from under the couch? Not much. And while we're on the subject, is dirt really bad?

[sandra]

Hi, I finally got to read your site. I'm Adventure's Dad (AD) wife, and I just read his reply.... YES, I would be the stiff one of the household.. I would kick his sorry ass if I saw the baby lick the dogs toy, but other than that... I agree on the rest. My only thought on the Electrical cable is that as he grows up he could get the idea that it is ok to bite on cables and one time when you are not looking he might chew one that is plugged (not so good).
About the bathing, well, it all depends on cultures. Here in Sweden the first year at least is recommended not to bathe him too often (3x a week). Apparently it does more harm than good (because of the weather and baby's skin). As they get more active(14 months) and start sweating a lot during the day, well it's time to do it everyday if necessary. Also might want to consider his skin, if it's very dry, then not so often. But if his butt gets very red when he poohs, then a bath comes in handy in the evenings.
About the boobs situation.... well, I'm not going to lie to you... I know what goes on in guys minds!!!! (BBBOOOOOOOBBBS) I will instead share what happened to us. One day AD went out to walk Daniel in Mexico (normally 1 hour), he ended up in a Golf Course, where they had a big tournament event. And there were lots of PR WOMEN (as AD likes to refer to them)with their tiny outfits, with their big boobs out. Anyway.... the walk turned out to be a lot longer than expected (3 hours). And his story was... "I let Daniel do all the flirting with the girls", "I was innocent! I was just holding a beer, Daniel kept looking and playing with their boobs" My suggestion here is... well, enjoy while it lasts!!!! there will come a time where you can't hide behind your cute little innocent baby...

[Carter]

FINALLY, someone gets down to the nitty gritty of parenting.

[Brent]

Well, these certainly ARE scenarios that I haven't read in any child-rearing book. As always, thanks for honestly uncovering the real underbelly of parenting...and making us laugh at the same time!

[Matthew]

While the Wonder Twins are younger than Peanut (and everytime you mention stuff I haven't gotten to yet, I cringe) I have some thoughts.

1)Go ahead and vomit. It will make the diarrhea less noticeable.

2)What happens out of Mom's view, stays out of Mom's view.

3)I've mentioned this before but a couple of diaper wipes and some baby lotion will make people think the baby's just had a bath.

4)Start talking in "baby talk." "Wookie, Wookie how cute you are!"

5) Oh, definitely use the "Got Milk" line. You also might want to compliment the ladies boobs. I hear women like that.

[Stephen]

Very funny, MD. We just had an encounter with a freakishly weird-looking baby this weekend too. The kid's head was the size of a pumpkin and I couldn't stop staring at it. I'm sure the kid will turn out looking just fine. But man, it was like looking inside a carnival tent. I was speechless. Thank God my wife was with me. She did all the requisite cooing.

[Dutch]

MD, I have the EXACT same problem as #3. I'm getting up an hour earlier in the morning to play with her, and I leave work WAY earlier than I should to come home and play with her. Luckily I don't work in Manhattan, where even the fucking falafel vendors will judge your ass if you leave your office before 6:30. That said, there's never enough time after the 30-minute busride home. We fight over who gets to take a bath WITH her. This kid is never happier than when she is half-immersed in hot water pulling every single one of my 24 chest hairs out.

[Elena]

Too funny! I remember when my youngest one was about 10 months old and had just started on solid food. We were over at a friend's house and my youngest was sitting calmly on the floor. In fact, she was playing so nicely that we were all quite impressed. Next thing you know? Her diaper just exploded like it was made out of kleenex. Poop just went everywhere! She must have had some sort of reaction to something she'd eaten. Unfortunately, her diarrhea exploded all over our friend's new carpet. She had it professionally steam cleaned (of course we paid the bill) but the next time we went over, we could still see a slight outline of our daughter's poop. Guess it all comes with the territory. Nice to know it happens to other people though.

[Sandy]

I'm so glad you wrote this post, MD. My hubbie and I were just berating ourselves as the worst parents in the world because we realized that we hadn't given our 8 month old daughter a bath in over a week! How terrible is that???

[David]

1. Apologise. Endure rest of visit in embarrassment. These are friends you'll probably lose but they will be back if they ever have children, asking for advice. Say: paquet is better.
2. Say you didn't notice but you'll try to pay more attention next time.
3. See 1. You might be bathing more than is necessary for grown-up people anyway. Or take a bath with her.
4. Make sure the kids don't attend the same school during adolescence.
5. Just enjoy it while you can. There's not much left once the kids have finished with them.

[Jason]

Remedy these things? And run out of blog material? What's wrong with you?

[Alice]

Having raised 3 children, I can say to you that the answer to all your questions is the same...just laugh. Having kids is a lesson in humility and you need to be able to laugh at all the crazy things that will happen. It really is the best medicine and it allows us to maintain our sanity. Good luck! You seem like a great dad. I'm sure you'll be fine.

[Jennifer]

Looks as if you have some really good answers there MD. I am going to focus on the bath issue. As you know I am a mother of a 16 month old. My husband has yet to ever give her a bath (he does everything else, just not the bath)...it's a shame because Colby Grace (and most babies) loves to have a swishy splashy bath! Sit in there bathroom with her put your toes in the water, take some bubbles in the bathroom and blow them around the tub. As far as how often you have to bath her, I feel it’s okay to skip a day…if she starts to gather flies around her head and seems desperate to ease her nasty case of itchy butt then it’s time to stick the kid in the tub!

[Jeff]

Guess I'll add to some already fantastic suggestions....
1) Let it fly..... The dog seems to enjoy these kinds of snacks. When someone sees the mess, blame the dog.... "I could swear I saw him licking out of the onion dip ealier, must be some bad sour cream.
2) If its not brown, stinky and squishy, let her chew. DO NOT, under ANY circumstances let mom find out though.
3) If you've got bald babies like I did, you can get away without the bath for a loooooong time, hair gets a little nasty looking when left uncleaned for a while. Just use plenty of baby powder.
4) Once again.... Let it fly. Blame the onion dip again. Makes for a good way to bow out. Not exactly the most graceful way, but hey, you take what you can get.
5) Gently remove your child from said woman and tell her "She must be spending too much time with me.... You know.... Monkey see, monkey do."

Hope that helped.

[bill]

1. Blame it on the dog. If there is something around that cannot speak (baby included) put the blame on them.
2.Good for their immune system is my excuse.
3. Baby wipes are like a insta-bath.
4. I like some of the other answers here in the comments section.
5. "Remember to share with daddy"

[MIM]

1) Nothing beats Matthew's answer to this question.

2) On a serious note, you gotta do something about this one. I have a friend whose daughter is 16 months old, and she STILL puts everything in her mouth, and her mother STILL DOESN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. Everytime I think of having these people over, I have to decide if it's worth all the toy cleaning and sanitizing I have to do after they're gone. One time, I even tried hiding all the small toys in the house. It didn't matter. She still tried to put every single fucking large toy in the house in her mouth. Including Tod-lar's fucking trike. The kid practically had the entire front wheel down her fucking throat, and her mother STILL DIDN'T STOP HER.

This is a habit that can be stopped. I did it with Tod-lar. All you need is an electric shock collar (kidding!). Anyway, if you don't want people wondering if it's really worth the effort to invite you over again, then think about the collar. (Of course, you may never hear from the people with the white carpet again anyway.)

3) How about every other night?

4) I can't help you with this one. I have one of those expressive faces incapable of hiding my thoughts/emotions.

5) How about telling Peanut, "Those aren't ours."

[Kris]

I'm sorry, I'd be able to come up with some advice for you, but I'm too busy laughing...

[Chocolate makes it better]

1. Get tighter nappies
2. put something worse than these on the floor and say "Hey at least he/she wasn't eating the "
3. It's not the bathing that's the problem...it's the getting dirty part that leads to the bathing....that's as far as I thought this one out.
4. Excuse yourself as your wife has just phoned telling you your other child has shat all over the carpet and the dog is licking it up.
5. this one is tough....possibly invent some kind of nipple device that peirces milk bottles...then if this happens....pull out the "milkonipplematic" and whack it into the side a the bottle and wallah....you got milk....or just use a bottle....i dunno.

[misfithausfrau]

1.Never go to a house with white carpet until child is teenager. That said, go to restroom, clean the two of you up and then vomit.
2. It's amazing what I allow my second child to put in her mouth. She's never met a flip flop she didn't like. It matters not if it has a foot in it. I just look out for raisins that my older daughter may have dropped on the floor.
3. Just give her a whore's bath with baby wipes and be done with it!
4. Perhaps you can complement a feature of the baby. For example, "MY what a beautiful EYE your baby has." or "I love her eyebrow!"
5. Hmm, I guess you could warn them ahead of time...but that wouldn't be much fun for you, would it?!

[landismom]

Hah!

My questions of this nature all involve car sickness. For example:

1) You're driving across the Tappan Zee Bridge in bumper-to-bumper traffic, when your not-quite-two-year-old daughter vomits all over herself. Do you: a) stop the car in the middle of a travel lane to get her cleaned up and changed? or b) be a more considerate motorist, and suffer through her screaming for the next 45 minutes while you cuss out your spouse through clenched teeth?

[the weirdgirl]

OK, I have to add my two cents as well. Even though my son is only 6 months I am the godmother (both officially and unofficially) and party hostess to a pack of youngsters, currently aged two through eight. So, yes I've actually been through these scenarios.

1) If they're good friends they'll stick around. We had an incident at our house where our goddaughter (who was fighting the potty training) let loose a stream through her undies onto the floor. (Granted, we do have wood floors not carpeting.) We're still good friends with the offending family. And I can tell you, nothing like having eight adults staring in shock at a child as a large puddle forms around her feet will motivate a toddler to potty train.

2 & 3) I agree with all that Sandra, Adventure Dad's wife said. Except that I'm not all that worried about the germs on the dog toys; it just grosses me out. As for baths, I live in the states and have been told the exact same 3x a week max advice.

4) Lie and coo - it's just polite. Or if you can't do that, play the "Can I get a smile?" game.

5) Most of us girls understand the baby feel up, no worries. Don't compliment the boobs. True, SOME women do like that. But you might get someone like me who'll snap back, "Not getting much at home, huh buddy?"

[tpon]

Isn't that some kind of kids game... vomit, shit, dog spit?

Shit always beats vomit, vomit beats dog spit... and dog vomit with shit beats everything.

In all seriousness, something eerily similar happened to N. a few months back, but it involved a diaper-diving dog, which means old baby shit instead of new.

As far as baths are concerned, aren't babies allergic to water... or is that cats?

[Linda B]

I just have to say that #4 made me laugh outloud at work and choke on my coffee. How am I supposed to pretend to be working if you write such things?!?

[sara]

1. People who lay nice, plush white carpet deserve what they get.
2.It may help to say 'no' check if wife is there, and then let her be.
3.Bathing is over rated.Follow your nose on that one.
4.Lie.
5.Look really shocked and grab baby back quickly.

[Sassy]

There is some great advice here. If you're struggling with number two though I'd go out and buy some nice clean dog toys that look really cool that you think the baby would like. Leave them laying around so when she is chewing on a dog toy you can say that you thought that one was her's. (Chewy dog toys left in the freezer overnight are awesome for teething kids)

P.S. Tag... see my blog

[bitemycookie]

every word, metro. every effing word. i thought all those questions were rhetorical, tho.

[dollymama]

1. Take baby and run to nearest bathroom. Either hold baby while you barf, or set baby in bathrub first. Whichever works for you. For cleaning the carpet: blot! Then Oxyclean. Dog OUT. final solution: never go back to that house again.

2. Try to substitute the above mentioned chew toys with something less gross that she will accept. If no acceptabel alternatives can be found, let her have the sock, and don't tell the mother ever.

3. Daily bathing not required. Spot clean during diaper changes and so forth. Bathe when needed. Even once a week is not too terrible if you keep up on the spot cleaning. An alternative would be to get in the tub with the kiddo and enjoy some quality time while also getting clean.

4. For startlingly ugly or unusual-looking babies my standard comment is, "What a sweetie!" or "You are such a special baby!" Neither are a lie and are basically meaningless. I figured these out after accidentally calling a friend's seriously ugly baby "Funny boy." I do not recommend Funny Boy as a thing to say to someone's baby.

5. Let the woman fend for her own breasts, and just pretend you don't notice.

[Chris]

For what its worth..

1. You take off out the front door as fast as possible and, if necessary, ralph in the bushes on the way out.

2. It's all about building character as far as I can tell from my as yet limited parenting experience. Have at it!

3. Bathing? What's that? Refer to answer 2, character building.

4. Suck it up and coo. Once again, see answer 2, character building.

5. Go for the cheesy punchline - "got milk?"

If you haven't already read it, find The Poo Bomb by Jeff Vogel. I have the feeling you'll appreciate it.

[alice, uptown]

5. Not being a mother, but having had infants mistakenly zoom into my nipples for milk that only mommy can make, I can only assume that to a baby, all breasts are created equal.

[Leslie]

Um, in regards to #4. . .

How about, "She's BREATHTAKING!" a la Seinfeld!

[Susie]

1. No puking dude. This about the baby and her shit, not about your dainty stomach. Suck it up and get control of yourself *slap!*.
2. I think it's so funny so many are against licking/chewing the occaisional dog toy! Hey I'm at home full time so I pick my battles. The dogs' toys are not one of them. I mean my son crawls around the floor all day. Which is worse, crawling then sucking his hand or chewing a dog toy every once in a while.
3. Bathe the baby every other day. And make bathing FUN so you don't feel screwed out of play time.
4. In high pitched voice to tighten your throat and prevent choking, "Oh! Aren't you something else!"
5. "How YOU doin'?"

[Jason]

I happen to have an 11 month old, so here's the scoop from my POV. And so far so good on my decisions. 1. My baby threw up about three times on someone else's carpet. I attended to my daughter and let the host make the first verbal move. People will usually not care, or say "it's okay." It takes a lot of spine to take issue with someone else's infant's bodily function. 2) My daughter puts everything in her mouth except for Stage 3 food. This is a case by case decision. Electric cord, not the best to be in any mouth. Sock or shoe, depends on the foot. 3)Bathtime is fun time dude! A bath can be serious quality time with your baby. Dive in and have fun. Taking care of your baby is cementing a relationship. I even turn the diaper change into an experience. 4)Who cares, you don't know these people. Do what feels right. 5) No big deal on your baby grabbing breast. Just watch out for when you go to grab your baby back, because this usually results in an unintentional back of your hand breast rub.