As many of you blog readers may know, this past weekend marked the inaugural BlogHer conference, an event designed to provide an open forum in which to discuss the role of women within the larger blogging community, to examine the developing code of blogger ethics, and to discover how blogging is amplifying the voice of women worldwide. All worthy causes and it seemed the event was a phenomenal success. Female bloggers from around the world were able to not only coalesce as a group but also, as my friend Laid-Off Dad puts it, "to name each other's knockers."
But all kidding aside, a small part of me was a little jealous that some of my favorite bloggers gathered in one place for a long weekend. I would have liked to meet some of the amazing female bloggers that I read on a regular basis. But aside from that, I think the fact that a group of women could multilaterally mobilize and organize such a prodigious event is truly a testimony to the never-surprising organizational fortitude of women as a whole. You think male bloggers could ever organize an event like this? I think the planning of it would be so chaotic and semi-comical that it would almost be worth it to try and organize one just to watch the fireworks. Personally, here's how I think a male blogging conference would work out...
The two aspects of planning a male blogging conference that would actually NOT be controversial are location and date. These are no brainers. Location? Vegas. Date? Super Bowl Weekend. Done. And whereas the women were able to double up and share rooms at one of the 24 hotels servicing the conference, I'm thinking that all the guys could chip in some dough so we could get the Rainman Suite at Caesars.
The women were organized enough to get corporate sponsors like Nokia, Red Herring, Technorati, Yahoo & Google. I'm thinking the guys would be happy with a couple free cases of Bud Light and the chicks from Hooters. Because as all guys know, corporate sponsors are for pussies! Screw The Man!
BlogHer featured an impressive array of symposiums, including "When Globalization is Good for Women," "Blogging for Business," "Mommy Blogging," and "Minority Female Bloggers." I don't even know where we would begin to organize an agenda for men. What would it include? "Blogging Apparel: Boxers or Briefs?" How about "BWI: Blogging While Intoxicated"? Or maybe "When Worlds Collide: Blogging & Internet Porn"?
What I really admire about BlogHer is that the women bloggers were all so supportive of one another. Unfortunately, there's no way that you could put several hundred male bloggers in a room together without some sort of competition starting. Because ladies, if you've ever wondered why your husband's business conferences always include a round of golf, it's because testosterone needs an outlet. Take away the golf aspect and you'll have a few hundred guys having a boner contest or starting a food fight. Don't overthink it and wonder why. It's just how we are.
Furthermore, you can't put that many men in a room together without a few dozen arguments starting. That's another indisputable fact. Men like to argue. It's nothing personal. We just like to do it. Women don't like to argue. They like to reach consensus. That's what I love about women. But what I love about men is that we'll never shy away from a good argument. We can spend hours debating anything. Will Griffey make it to the Hall of Fame? Is Ashley Simpson hotter than Jessica? Could Batman kick Jet Li's ass? Ford or Chevy? Because men will argue about anything, it's hard to imagine exactly what the controversy would be at a male blogger conference. But make no mistake, there would be one.
At the end of BlogHer, it seems that online friendships ventured into the real world. Lifelong relationships were formed, heartfelt hugs were exchanged and tears flowed freely with laughter. At BlogHim, I think guys would exchange e-mail addresses (so we could send each other funny photos) and possibly cell-phone numbers. But tears? Hugging? I don't think so. As guys know, there is still a lot of controversy surrounding the etiquette of the man-hug.. To be on the safe side, I think we'd all just high-five one another and go our separate ways. We'd say that we'd keep in touch but, within a few months, we'd find a business card in our wallet, look at it, wonder who the bozo was that gave it to you, and then chuck it in the trash.
So unfortunately, I think the only way that a BlogHim conference could ever take shape is if some women organized it on our behalf and kept us in line. Since that's not likely to ever happen, I'll just take pride in the fact that so many women were able to organize something as cool as BlogHer. Like I said, there's a part of me that's very jealous that they all had this great opportunity to meet and come together. And though they did open the conference to men, I was surprised to see that so many men actually did attend. I was thinking about attending too...but then my balls dropped. (Seriously, fellas, what would compel you to attend a conference for women named BlogHer?)
Anyway, kudos to you women for having the wherewithal to pull off such an event. Guys, we've got to get our shit together and organize a similar event. Any volunteers?
Hello?
Anyone?
Bueller?
Awww....fuck it.
Great idea! Send me a business card to put in my wallet and we'll get started! :)
Posted by: Cameron Cavers | August 03, 2005 at 01:53 PM
I've been doing the same jealousy thing as I watch the reviews and flickr photo streams pour in. Maggie AND Heather AND Jen AND Alice AND Mrs. Kennedy AND...
Posted by: Éireann | August 03, 2005 at 02:16 PM
Hilarious post, MD. I've been quite jealous of the ladies as well. You nailed it perfectly as to why a male blogging conference could never materialize. Too bad, really. I'd love to meet all you chaps for a beer sometime.
Posted by: Brian | August 03, 2005 at 02:22 PM
I want to attend BlogHim. Sounds a little more my speed.
Posted by: Morphing Mama | August 03, 2005 at 02:31 PM
I know people that can get us good rates at the Palms and The Hard Rock... OH, and I know the owner of the Bunny Ranch. So, all we need now are sponsors to cover our 'costs' and its a go, right?
In all seriousness. We should totally do this... I'd be willing to help.
Posted by: BIYF | August 03, 2005 at 02:37 PM
*urp*
I'm in!
Posted by: david parmet | August 03, 2005 at 03:40 PM
You are one funny motherfucker! This was hysterical. But we really should have a male blogging conference. Could be a lot of fun.
Posted by: Stephan | August 03, 2005 at 03:56 PM
My friends and I have had an annual Girlie Weekend for 11 years. Our spouses can't even manage to have a poker game while we are gone...
Posted by: misfithausfrau | August 03, 2005 at 04:36 PM
Vegas and the Super Bowl - heh. Like we'd actually getting anything done that even remotely resembled a conference. Don't get me wrong - I'm all in...I mean...I'm in.
BTW - what would our Flickr posts look like? Yikes.
Posted by: Mr. Big Dubya | August 03, 2005 at 04:45 PM
Here's a stupid guy debate for you. Last weekend, I had to listen to my husband and my brother debate for HOURS over whether it was hotter in Vegas or Arizona. Possibly the dumbest debate known to mankind and neither one of them would let it go. What's wrong with you guys? No chance in hell you'd ever be able to organize a conference. But it'd be fun watching you try!
Posted by: Sweet Jill | August 03, 2005 at 04:59 PM
Since you've got all the ideas I think you just put your own hand up.
It's a seriously great idea.
Posted by: Ko | August 03, 2005 at 05:09 PM
Only if we can get Evel Knieval as the keynote speaker.
Posted by: Jason | August 03, 2005 at 05:57 PM
who's doin the nudie run?
Posted by: Peter | August 03, 2005 at 06:43 PM
I'd love to attend a BlogHim conference and hang out with you, Daddy Types, Laid-off Dad, ZeroBoss, Dad Gone Mad, and all the other "daddy" blogs I read. I think we would have a kick-ass good time. Reading everyone gush about BlogHer almost makes me think we really should try to pull one together. Vegas sounds good to me!
Posted by: Xavier | August 03, 2005 at 08:25 PM
First, Jessica Simpson is WAY hotter than Ashley Simpson.
Second, while we don't have knockers (well we shouldn't have knockers, anyway), most of us have already named our genitalia, so what else would we do?
Three, What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.
Posted by: Matthew | August 03, 2005 at 09:26 PM
I have nothing constructive to say about your post except...
Griffey will make it to The Hall.
Ashley is hotter than Jessica.
Jet Li would kick Batman's ass.
Ford.
Posted by: Michael | August 03, 2005 at 10:16 PM
Having a LOT of men there would totally rule out griping about men as a open option. We'd all have to do it in our hotel rooms, which would rule out ALL the women getting involved. Besides, ya'll would probably post a spy somewhere in the general vacinity.
Posted by: Queen of Ass | August 03, 2005 at 10:47 PM
Actually, there's Bloggercon and Journalcon and a bunch of other conferences that are dominated by men, so that's why BlogHer came about.
I found it really interesting how many people asked if there were such things as "DaddyBloggers." Y'all need to stand up and shout, since you apparently aren't making enough noise.
Posted by: Jenny | August 03, 2005 at 11:39 PM
Batman vs. Jet Li? That's like comparing a mythical being and a human that by his own admission can't actually fight in real life. Wait, that's exactly what that is.
MD - Please remind me not to mention swordfighting the next time I see you. Eeek.
Posted by: steve | August 03, 2005 at 11:46 PM
Hmmm. Well, I personally have more close online relationships with men (or at least they're playing men on the internet--who really knows?) than with women bloggers, so I'm all for the idea of BlogHim, as long as some special female guests can come. And not the special females from Hooters, either.
Posted by: landismom | August 04, 2005 at 07:20 AM
Dude. I just wet my pants laughing. This was a seriously well-written post. Your best one to date.
I would love to hear the stories after BlogHim, but I'm perfectly happy not to attend. I'd totally fail the boner test.
Posted by: Krissy | August 04, 2005 at 10:09 AM
I would pay money to see you guys all gather in one place and man hug. I would throw dollar bills at any man who participated in the boner contest
Posted by: Jennifer | August 04, 2005 at 01:20 PM
I am so there.
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Posted by: Yvonne | August 04, 2005 at 03:31 PM
If you have BlogHim, can I come? As a woman who has no female friends, I think I'd have more fun with the guys.
Posted by: Nancy | August 04, 2005 at 04:42 PM
See, you can get all the Bloghers to sponsor Bloghim so we can watch! Grin.
BTW, do you know this amazing daddyblogger, http://snowdeal.org/section/ex_machina/
Amazing blogger/photographer documenting the life of his son, born prematurely. I think he'd have a lot to say about daddyblogging.
Rock on! Love your humor.
Posted by: Nancy White | August 04, 2005 at 05:41 PM
That is one of the funniest pieces I have EVER read. Thanks for the humor...it's a beautiful thing. I'm still laughing....
Posted by: Joy DJ | August 04, 2005 at 06:49 PM
Women don't like to argue? And you say you're married?
Posted by: Neil | August 04, 2005 at 10:24 PM
Maybe next year more than 20% of the BlogHer attendees will be male. Perhaps the next one should have a ROYO for Daddy Bloggers. And I'd go for Vegas...
Posted by: Donna | August 04, 2005 at 10:55 PM
How many XBoxes can you hook up at once to play 'Halo 2'?
Posted by: Stacy | August 05, 2005 at 10:05 AM
The blogging while intoxicated would be the first session on my "Must Attend" list. Oy.
Posted by: melissaS | August 05, 2005 at 01:27 PM
what's a ROYO?
btw, I'm one of men who attended blogher and I'm surprised I even have to explain why I'd want to be surrounded by incredible intelligent expressive women for a day.
Posted by: xian | August 05, 2005 at 05:34 PM
I do believe you have just signed yourself up to be the organizer.
Hysterical post! I will totally be at the blogging while intoxicated session. And for the record, Batman would never have a chance against Jet Li! Hell, Robin could probably kick his ass!
Posted by: Jenn | August 06, 2005 at 12:52 PM
FYI, I just linked to this post when I made a tangent mention of Bloghim. It probably won't bring you any additional traffic, hell it might bring less. In fact if you notice less hits over the next day or two, that's me.
Posted by: whit | January 09, 2007 at 12:56 AM
You're a braver woman than I it was weeks before I could even begin to think about looking at the incisions from my lap. Even now I don't like to touch them.
They're...squishy.
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