'Fess up!

When the BossLady and I started dating, we got into a ridiculous debate about something or other. As usual, neither one of us was willing to yield. And so in the heat of the argument, I casually mentioned how much smarter I was than her. To her credit, the BossLady turned to me and said, "Oh yeah, wiseguy? What'd you get on your SATs?" Immediately, my devious mind started thinking that she wouldn't pull that particular question out of the hat unless she had scored really well. And even though I did fairly well on my SATs, I figured that I'd have to do a little grade inflation in order to retain some credibiliy in the current debate. So I blabbered back "1400." Unfortunately, the plan backfired due to the fact that my lovely wife actually scored 1450 on her SATs. Ever since then, whenever we've gotten into an argument, she'll just look me in the eye and say, "1450." Pretty much shuts me up every time.

Last week, in an e-mail that I sent to someone else but c.c.'ed the BossLady on, I wrote that I scored a 1340 on my SATs. I'd lost track of my own little white lie and I got completely busted. It's just one more reason that I don't lie. My memory's not good enough to keep track of anything, much less imaginary stories. Much better to always go with the truth.

Anyway, the experience got me thinking. Not about lying to one's spouse (which I'm obviously adamantly against). But it got me thinking about things that our spouses might not know about us. I'm not talking about the deep, dark secrets of one's past. I'm talking about the little private parts of the world that you carve out for yourself and that nobody else knows about. It could be things that you do when nobody else is looking. Or things you think about that nobody else knows. It could be anything!

So that being said, I've decided that, in the interests of full disclosure, I'm going to reveal a few secrets that I've been keeping from the BossLady (up until now). So here you go, honey. Here are a few things about me that you might not have known...

-The other day, the Peanut farted on my hand while I was holding her. So I put her hand near my butt and farted back on her. We both thought it was pretty funny and had a good laugh together. For some reason, I didn't think you'd find it as funny as we did.

-Many moons ago (back in the pre-child days), I got high with our dog. That's right, honey. I'm not proud of admitting this but I actually smoked pot with our dog. We both got the munchies, ate a whole bag of peanuts together and watched a baseball game. Remember, honey? You walked him the next morning and his poop looked like a giant Babe Ruth bar.

-I've always had a little thing for Kate Winslet, Zhang Ziyi, Diane Sawyer, Michelle Yeoh, and Uma Thurman. I don't feel bad about this because your obsession with Colin Firth far outweighs any of my secret crushes. Seriously, honey. Do we really need to watch the 5-hour BBC version of "Pride and Prejudice" every six months? Mistahhh Daahhhcy!

-As you know, I'm a morning pooper. As you also know, the Peanut is a non-stop crawling machine who needs to be watched on a constant basis. Sometimes when it's my turn to get her in the morning, these two aforementioned facts have collided. To make a long story short, there have been more than a few occasions where I've sat her on my lap while I'm "dropping the kids off at the pool."

-Since you tend to fall asleep several hours before me every night, I often stay up late to read, do some work or write an entry for the blog. But most of the time? I pour myself a glass of scotch and watch ESPN's Sportscenter. This you knew about me. What you didn't know? Sometimes before I go to bed, I set the channel to CNN so when you wake up in the morning and turn the TV on to check the weather, it looks like I stayed up late watching Lou Dobbs. This way I hope you don't think I'm as much of a sports nut as I actually am.

-I know we already have 5 digital cameras, 4 ipods, and a video camera. Don't kill me, honey. But I bought another new gadget. It's being shipped now and we'll get it next week. I know. I have a problem. But it could be worse! I could be spending our retirement money on crystal meth, hookers and gambling, right? Look at the bright side!

So that's all I can think of for now, honey. I'm sure my phone will be ringing as soon as you read this post. But really, I think my little secrets are pretty innocuos, don't you? Fairly harmless. I don't have a secret life. That's not to say that I'm an angel. It's just that you already know the true depths of my depravity. And you still love me for it. But secrets? Not much. This is pretty much the sum of all my secrets. What about you? Anything you want to get off your chest? We'll speak later.

As for the rest of you? Talk to me, people. Spill it. If not here, then where? An inquiring mind wants to know. What doesn't your spouse know about you? C'mon and confess. You'll feel better. If your spouse reads this blog, post anonymously. But really, what are the things (major or minor) that your spouse doesn't know about you? The time you posed nude in college for beer money? The time you went skinny dipping with the drummer from Kajigoogoo back in '82? Your secret fetish of wearing women's panties? Doesn't have to be anything sordid, scandalous or depraved. Just come clean.

Because here at MetroDad, absolution is available 24 hours/day. Except on Sundays. So 'fess up!

Comments

[Angie]

My DH doesn't know that I CAN'T STAND his entire side of the family. I play nice. But really? I'd rather have root canal then spend time with them.

["Steve"]

My wife doesn't know that sometimes after my monthly bowling night with the guys from work, we end up going to a strip club. She'd kill me if she knew.

[Stacy]

When I stay up late, sometimes I watch porn, then flip the channel back to 'Lifetime Movie Network' so he doesn't know.

And there is a fairly obscure actor whose movies I will watch repeatedly because I slept with him back in the 80's.

[MD Reader]

MD...you are so funny, I can't stand it! You are so witty and smart and so very honest! Your blog rocks!!!!

[Fedward Hyde]

i like your prose and your site!

[JSpeth]

I read this and as always got a good giggle. The I started to respond to your post. My mind was lank...so I took a break. Gave it some thought and still blank brain.

The thought came to me...Does my hubby know everything about me??? Do I not have any little detail I can share? Oh my goodness! I think he might just know it all.

Scary thought. As of now, several hours after I first read your post I still can't think of anything. It bugs me that I don't have any litte smidge of infor that he doesn't know....I'll have to work on this.

[Mark]

Holy shit, MD. I'm still laughing my butt off at this post. Dropping the kids off at the pool? I never heard that one before. Too funny! For secrets? My wife doesn't know that I stash candy and beer in the garage. We're both on a diet together but dammit I need my candy and beer.

[Elsi]

he doesn't know i faked orgasms for the first 3 months of our relationship. or that before we moved in together, i accidentally stepped on his dog nearly every night i was there while making my way to the bathroom in the middle of the night, and that's why the dog was a hermit in the back room when i moved in; he still thinks it was just fear of the new person, not fear of being stepped on.

[Loren]

My DH doesn't know that in the 3 weeks we were broken up before we got back together and got married, I slept with a coworker.

Oops.

[enygma]

This was the funniest thing I read in a long time. It's a very refreshing break from reading about failures of integrationg and muliticulturalism in the classroom. Unfortunately, I'm a bit worried that little snippets of your entry will replay in my head as I read yet another article on integration and get easily distracted. =D

[misfithausfrau]

Hubby doesn't know that I stared smoking the MINUTE after my second baby was born and continued to smoke after we moved back to the midwest in April. I came close to getting caught a couple of times, but he never let on that he knew. I have since quit again.

I am also back to buying shoes and hiding them in my car. That way, when he asks if they are new, I can truthfully say "No."

He also doesn't know that I am addicted to a riduculous Bollywood Movie that I stop to watch EVERY SINGLE TIME IT IS ON--no matter what time.

[landismom]

You are so crazy.

My dh doesn't know that I heart Taco Bell, even while I secretly know it's disgusting.

[Gerry]

My wife doesn't know that those golf outings that I go to for work? Well, they're not really for work. I go to play with one of my high school buddies who my wife hates!!!

[Larissa]

This post was so hilarious! I've been trying to think of something that my hubby doesn't know about me. I can't think of anything! I need a secret!

[Susie]

Mr. Darcy! Love HIM! I have the BBC P&P on DVD. They remade it into a feature but the Darcy they have is lame - NO Colin Firth (dreamy). Sorry got carried away!
- My husband doesn't know I love fast food and stop at drive thrus fairly often (I also know it's disgusting)
- I also hide purchases sometimes. It used to be clothes for me. Now it's clothes for Liam. It's a sickness.

[not-for-profit-dad]

Reviewing the comments, it seems that the women have much more devious secrets than the men. This leads me to two possible conclusions:

1) Women are more devious than men. While our dark secrets involve sharing peanuts with the dog and playing golf, women are faking orgasms and thinking about the semi-famous actor they bedded in the 80s.

2) Women are more honest and willing to 'fess-up on a blog. Men have to be drunk or careless to tell a truly self-incriminating truth.

[Kim]

God, you're killing me here, MD! I almost choked to death on my pizza! Jay knows pretty much everything about me. Well, maybe not that I use his razor to shave in...delicate places. But other than that, he's pretty much in the know.

[Mrs. Anonymous]

My husband reads your blog every once in awhile so I'm staying anonymous.

But what he doesn't know? I have a maid come to our house once a week to clean. He has no idea. He doesn't even call me from work on Tuesdays because he knows that Tuesdays are "cleaning days."

[Sheryl]

What a great post! I can't think of anything off the top of my head, but I know there are a few things...

[David]

Over the last 2 years, mostly after she has gone to bed, I have played over 9,000 games of Yahoo chess.

[Damian]

She doesn't know that I still talk to my ex.

[Julie G.]

Very funny, MD! I think my hubby knows everything about me. The only thing that he might not know about is that when he goes out of town, I smoke a joint with his sister.

[Marc Singer, AKA "The Beastmaster"]

Stacy, Stacy, Stacy - after all we've been through, you still only think of me as "an obscure actor"? My films "The Beastmaster", "The Beastmaster II", and "If You Could See What I Hear"(all of which, by the way, can been seen on TNT this month!) are all among Long's Drug's top 10,000 VHS rentals, I'll have you know.

[Matthew]

I can't believe that women are the only ones who watch porn and do drugs behind their spouses back!

Maybe women are the only ones who will admit it. Because, let's face it, when women do those things it's hot, when men do it, we're losers.

[Janis]

Hmmm...

What does my husband not know about me?

Brutal honesty here.. But he doesn't know the real me. Even after 21 years together, he still has no clue as to who I really am.

No wonder our marriage is on the verge of tanking.

*sigh*

Now *that's* a sad secret..

[Stacy]

"Marc", I told you never to contact me here!

[Rosalie]

My husband knows I'm addicted to sushi. What he doesn't know is that when he goes to evening Spanish classes on Wednesdays (that he started taking so that he could communicate better with my family...how sweet!) I go and get sushi. A lot of it. We are on a "strict" going-out-to-eat budget, but I fit that one in since it's the only dinner we have apart in any given week. I count down the days to my weekly sushi indulgence. I just can't help it, especially since he's not a big fan and never wants to make that our weekend outing.

[Delia]

There were SO many things my husband didn't know about me, which I suppose is why he is now my EX-husband. There's a lesson there somewhere.

[stacyfan]

My wife doesn't know that I'd like to meet stacy!!

[Dennis]

I see you are a visitor of Jeff Keller's digital camera page. He is a great guy.

[Nathaniel]

Hilarious post. I enjoyed it quite a bit. I also felt compelled to tell you that you might not have lied after all with regard to the 1340/1400. SAT's were recentered about 10 years ago, so your old SAT scores may have realized a bump. Check it out:
http://www.greenes.com/html/convert.htm

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My DH doesn't know that I CAN'T STAND his entire side of the family. I play nice. But really? I'd rather have root canal then spend time with them.

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Holy shit, MD. I'm still laughing my butt off at this post. Dropping the kids off at the pool? I never heard that one before. Too funny! For secrets? My wife doesn't know that I stash candy and beer in the garage. We're both on a diet together but dammit I need my candy and beer.

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My DH doesn't know that in the 3 weeks we were broken up before we got back together and got married, I slept with a coworker.