When the BossLady and I started dating, we got into a ridiculous debate about something or other. As usual, neither one of us was willing to yield. And so in the heat of the argument, I casually mentioned how much smarter I was than her. To her credit, the BossLady turned to me and said, "Oh yeah, wiseguy? What'd you get on your SATs?" Immediately, my devious mind started thinking that she wouldn't pull that particular question out of the hat unless she had scored really well. And even though I did fairly well on my SATs, I figured that I'd have to do a little grade inflation in order to retain some credibiliy in the current debate. So I blabbered back "1400." Unfortunately, the plan backfired due to the fact that my lovely wife actually scored 1450 on her SATs. Ever since then, whenever we've gotten into an argument, she'll just look me in the eye and say, "1450." Pretty much shuts me up every time.
Last week, in an e-mail that I sent to someone else but c.c.'ed the BossLady on, I wrote that I scored a 1340 on my SATs. I'd lost track of my own little white lie and I got completely busted. It's just one more reason that I don't lie. My memory's not good enough to keep track of anything, much less imaginary stories. Much better to always go with the truth.
Anyway, the experience got me thinking. Not about lying to one's spouse (which I'm obviously adamantly against). But it got me thinking about things that our spouses might not know about us. I'm not talking about the deep, dark secrets of one's past. I'm talking about the little private parts of the world that you carve out for yourself and that nobody else knows about. It could be things that you do when nobody else is looking. Or things you think about that nobody else knows. It could be anything!
So that being said, I've decided that, in the interests of full disclosure, I'm going to reveal a few secrets that I've been keeping from the BossLady (up until now). So here you go, honey. Here are a few things about me that you might not have known...
-The other day, the Peanut farted on my hand while I was holding her. So I put her hand near my butt and farted back on her. We both thought it was pretty funny and had a good laugh together. For some reason, I didn't think you'd find it as funny as we did.
-Many moons ago (back in the pre-child days), I got high with our dog. That's right, honey. I'm not proud of admitting this but I actually smoked pot with our dog. We both got the munchies, ate a whole bag of peanuts together and watched a baseball game. Remember, honey? You walked him the next morning and his poop looked like a giant Babe Ruth bar.
-I've always had a little thing for Kate Winslet, Zhang Ziyi, Diane Sawyer, Michelle Yeoh, and Uma Thurman. I don't feel bad about this because your obsession with Colin Firth far outweighs any of my secret crushes. Seriously, honey. Do we really need to watch the 5-hour BBC version of "Pride and Prejudice" every six months? Mistahhh Daahhhcy!
-As you know, I'm a morning pooper. As you also know, the Peanut is a non-stop crawling machine who needs to be watched on a constant basis. Sometimes when it's my turn to get her in the morning, these two aforementioned facts have collided. To make a long story short, there have been more than a few occasions where I've sat her on my lap while I'm "dropping the kids off at the pool."
-Since you tend to fall asleep several hours before me every night, I often stay up late to read, do some work or write an entry for the blog. But most of the time? I pour myself a glass of scotch and watch ESPN's Sportscenter. This you knew about me. What you didn't know? Sometimes before I go to bed, I set the channel to CNN so when you wake up in the morning and turn the TV on to check the weather, it looks like I stayed up late watching Lou Dobbs. This way I hope you don't think I'm as much of a sports nut as I actually am.
-I know we already have 5 digital cameras, 4 ipods, and a video camera. Don't kill me, honey. But I bought another new gadget. It's being shipped now and we'll get it next week. I know. I have a problem. But it could be worse! I could be spending our retirement money on crystal meth, hookers and gambling, right? Look at the bright side!
So that's all I can think of for now, honey. I'm sure my phone will be ringing as soon as you read this post. But really, I think my little secrets are pretty innocuos, don't you? Fairly harmless. I don't have a secret life. That's not to say that I'm an angel. It's just that you already know the true depths of my depravity. And you still love me for it. But secrets? Not much. This is pretty much the sum of all my secrets. What about you? Anything you want to get off your chest? We'll speak later.
As for the rest of you? Talk to me, people. Spill it. If not here, then where? An inquiring mind wants to know. What doesn't your spouse know about you? C'mon and confess. You'll feel better. If your spouse reads this blog, post anonymously. But really, what are the things (major or minor) that your spouse doesn't know about you? The time you posed nude in college for beer money? The time you went skinny dipping with the drummer from Kajigoogoo back in '82? Your secret fetish of wearing women's panties? Doesn't have to be anything sordid, scandalous or depraved. Just come clean.
Because here at MetroDad, absolution is available 24 hours/day. Except on Sundays. So 'fess up!