MetroDad

The Evolution of Friends

"I never had better friends than the friends I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anyone?" -Stand By Me

I'm only slightly exaggerating when I say that I haven't made many new friends over the past 24 years. Sure, some of my closest friends are people that I met during college. And, despite being temporarily blinded by vodka and hormones in my 20's (when I was young, single and living in New York), I managed to form some very close relationships with people that I still cherish today.  But, for the most part, a lot of the people that I still see regularly are the friends that I made when I was 12 years old. I'm not sure why that is but it got me thinking about a good friend is.  Here's the short list.

A friend is someone with whom I can go to a restaurant and spend the entire meal on the cell phone talking to my wife. 

A friend is someone who can come over to my apartment while the wife and baby are gone, watch 6 hours of football with me, eat two meals together, and then get up and leave without uttering a single word.   

A friend is someone who knows everything about you and likes you anyway, who knows you're suffering even when you're fooling everyone else, and will always volunteer to drive you around in a white Bronco while 200 police cars follow you down the Interstate.   

A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail at any time of day, will never pass judgment on you, will ignore your psychotic mood swings, will never lie to you, will lend you $1,000 in Vegas at 4:00 in the morning without even thinking about it and will actually tell you when you're starting to lose your hair or gain weight.   

But most of all, a friend is someone whom you can laugh with.  As Dennis Miller once said, "a friend is someone who can make you laugh so hard that milk actually comes out your nose...even though you haven't had any milk in over two years."   

Anyway...why am I bringing all this up?  Because an older friend of mine in his late 40's recently told me that ALL of his and his wife's friends are people that they met through their kids.  The kids become friends at school.  Then, over the years, the parents ended up becoming friends.  Sounds weird but I can imagine how this would play out.  All those long days spent watching Little League games, ballet recitals and soccer games.  Then, you have the school plays, the annual fundraisers, and the bake sales.  The wives chit chat during Parents night and end up hitting it off.  One mother says how they should all get together one weekend.  You keep making excuses but eventually you run out of them. Next thing you know, you've let your wife talk you into spending a Sunday with a bunch of strangers. Before you know it, you're sharing burgers at a barbecue with a guy named Phil who works in advertising, wears a nautical blue blazer, drinks low-carb Aspen Edge beer, and has clearly had a lot of Botox done on his face.  He introduces you to his "main hombre, Jim," a Wall Street guy with an overly strong handshake who seems to think that his wealth can overcompensate for the fact that he's short, loud, and obnoxious.  You, on the other hand, decide to leave your sunglasses on, drink multiple vodkas, and contemplate how pissed the wife would be if you executed an immediate exit strategy and left the party with some fake food poisoning.  Aaarrgh! 

Just thinking about these potential future scenarios makes me ill.  Of course, I'll do ANYTHING in the world for my precious daughter.  But make new friends?  Shit, do I have to?  I've barely got enough time for the friends that I have now.  Besides, is having children of the same age really enough to form the basis of a friendship?  It's got to be harder than that, doesn't it?  But I see it happening already with a few buddies of mine.  All of sudden, one of them will mention how they "spent the weekend with Jeff and Susan."  When I remind my friend that I've known him for 20 years and I've never heard him mention Jeff or Susan so there's really no need for him to start making up imaginary friends now, he'll just casually say, "oh yeah.  The wife met them in Mommy & Me."  What the fuck?   I thought we had a non-verbal pact here that none of us could make new friends.  Sure, we could have a bunch of casual acquaintances with people that we meet and really like.  We could even make plans to go out to dinner with them every once in awhile.  But a whole weekend away together?  I'm sorry.  But you really should have asked my permission before you went away with Jeff and Susan.

I don't know what my problem is with this.  Really, I don't.  I'm not an anti-social guy at all.  Maybe it's because I realize that I have a slightly sarcastic and cynical sense of humor that people don't really "get" until they've known me for awhile?  Maybe I just don't like having new friendships thrust upon me?  Maybe because I'm too judgmental with people that I meet for the first time?  I'm not sure what my problem is regarding the possibility of making new friends via my daughter.   

One solution that I've had lately is to try and convince all my closest friends to have children at the same time so we can just continue to hang out together.  Then, our children will all be friends and I won't feel forced to hang out with new people.  So far, this plan is working out surprisingly well.  It helps that there seems to be some unspoken NYC charter law that dictates people must wait until the age of 35 prior to having children.  So now, all my friends are having kids in droves.  But I've got to admit that, in the back of mind, I still have this fear that I'm just delaying the inevitable and, at some point, I'm going to have to make new friends because of the Peanut. Egads! 

Is it me, Internet?  Am I nuts?  Will I really have no choice in the matter?  What happens if you don't like the parents of your child's best friend?  Will I be socially ostracized?  Or worse, will my daughter?  What are the ramifications of calling another parent an asshat?  Would it be worse to pretend that I'm deaf and dumb?  Are their social cliques in parenting circles?  Do the "cool parents" all hang out together?  Do "parenting" friends ever become "real" friends?  How can I avoid all of this nonsense? 

An inquiring mind wants to know.  Because really, Internet, I don't have time to break in new friends.  I'm still happy with the old ones. 

May Mailbag

Welcome to the May Mailbag, my friends.  For those of you unfamiliar with the concept, this is the part of the program where I employ the vast knowledge I've acquired during my 28 weeks of fatherhood and answer your monthly e-mails.  As always, we preface the segment by stating that I have absolutely no formal training or professional experience.  Furthermore, the answers stated here are of my own personal opinion and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Johnnie Walker Black Corporation, Phillip Morris or BuyBuyBaby.  That being said, let's turn to this month's e-mails...

Dear Metro...My older sister got married two years ago and recently just gave birth to a beautiful little girl.  I couldn't be happier for her.  We come from a large family and every new arrival is cause for great celebration.  My only complaint is that, at all these family gatherings, dozens of relatives keep hounding me and asking me when I'm going to get married and have a baby.  It drives me crazy!  Although I do want to get married and have kids someday, I'm just not ready at this stage of my life right now.  How do I get everyone off my back?  Help!!!
-Robin (San Diego, CA)

Hey Robin...I share your pain.  Although I was the eldest of all my cousins, many of the younger ones ended up getting married before me.  Every time I went to one of their weddings, all my old aunts used to come up to me, poke me hard in the ribs cackling, and tell me, "HaHa!  You're next!"   

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

MD...The missus left me in charge of the twins last week while she went up to Tuscaloosa to see her mammie.  Now, I had me a lot of things to do around the house so I plopped the boys in front of the television and let them zone out to their heart's content.  I thought I had the tv set on Nascar weekend on TBS.  But the dog must have stepped on the remote when I wasn't looking and I saw that the boys were watching Lifetime for the whole weekend.  I hates to say it but i think my boys may have been turned into what you New Yorkers call "metrosexuals."  I saw something about that on Oprah awhiles back.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I still love my boys but down here in 'Bama, people don't take a shining to young boys who paint the barn magenta, wear ascots with their denim overalls and paint their toenails.  Help me out, man.  What can I do to get my boys back?  Quick!  My wife is coming home in a few days!
-Bobby Joe, Birmingham, AL.

Dear Bobby Joe...As a self-admitted metrosexual, I think there's always a line in the sand that a man should never cross.  Although I love getting massages at the spa, it'll be a cold day in hell before you ever see me getting a seaweed wrap or a green tea facial.  When men cross this line, we here at MetroDad like to call it Mantropy.  The concepts of low-carb beer, lightly tinted glasses and male waxing apall us.  Anyway, it seems your boys have clearly crossed the line.  That's what a weekend of watching Lifetime can do.  Unfortunately, I think you're going to need to use scare tactics.  Let me give you an example of what I mean. 

Friends of mine in NYC have a 7 year-old son Christopher.  Recently, Chris has been trying on his sister's makeup and trying on her clothes.  This was cute for a little while (especially when he started singing show tunes like a young Barbara Streisand).  But lately, Chris had been refusing to sleep in anything other than a pink floral sundress.  This was when my buddy lost it.  He turned to his son Chris and said, "Ok.  You can sleep in your sundress all you want but don't come running to me in the morning."  Chris looked at his father and replied, "Huh?  Why?" To which my friend stated with a look of extreme seriousness and yelled, "Because if you sleep in that dress, when you wake up, your penis will be gone!!!"  Needless to say, Chris immediately ripped off the dress and jumped into his Teletubbies pajamas.

If these kinds of scare tactic don't work with your boys, I'd suggest you resort to re-programming your sons with a massive amount of manly activities for a whole weekend.  Try hunting, working on the car, going to a strip joint, watching WWF and dirt-bike riding.  If all else fails, seek professional help at mantropy control.   

MD...I've been a father for about three weeks now and I think I'm losing my mind.  The sleep deprivation is killing me.  I feel like a zombie half the time. I'm making mistakes at work.  I'm walking into walls.  I think last night was the worst.  The kid literally cried all night long.  My ears are still ringing and I feel nauseated from the lack of sleep.  I feel like I’m some sort of CIA guinea pig being experimented on by scientists studying sensory deprivation torture.  Please help!
-Marcus, Chicago, IL

Hey, Marcus.  Don't worry.  The first three months of child-rearing are utter hell.  I can't tell you how many nights I woke up staggering because the baby was crying.  Oftentimes I was so exhausted,  I'd end up putting the diapers on the dog.  It got to a point where I even started snorting lines of baby formula to keep me awake (try Similac.)  But all kidding aside, I've got some advice for you.  The key thing to realize is that you can no longer rely on getting a solid night's sleep.  You've got to retrain your body to take cat naps at any opportune moment.  One of the best places to catch a few winks is on the toilet.  Seriously.  Also, try skipping lunch and sleeping under your desk.  As long as you're not a snorer, you should be ok.  And if all that fails, what can I say?  Be a man and suck it up!  Stop whining!  After all, your wife carried the baby for 9 months and then went through the pain of childbirth.  The least you can do for her is have some sleepless nights and let her get some rest (or at least that's what I keep telling myself.)  And if that doesn't work, cash out the 401K and hire a 24-hour baby nurse for a few weeks.  Just make sure she's ugly as sin so the wifey doesn't get jealous.    

MD...Since you're a self-admitted pop culture whore, I was just wondering what you think about television today.  My kids have the worst taste in television.  I keep telling them about how great tv was when I was growing up as child.  I know you've said in the past that Miami Vice, The Dukes of Hazzard, Fantasy Island and The White Shadow were your favorite shows during your formative years.  But what's your TIVO recording these days?  And are any of them appropriate for kids? 
-Papa Smurf (Los Altos, CA)

Dear Papa Smurf...This season, I've been fairly into "Lost" (although I wonder whether Matthew Fox's comeback means that he's too cool to participate in a "Party of Five" reunion, the most underrated show of the 1990's.)  The show has terrific action and I love the multi-racial U.N. casting.  I'll still include "The West Wing," if only for old-times sake but also because the season finished strongly.  For a little while, I was into "Desperate Housewives" but then my testicles dropped and I realized that I'd rather watch reruns of the Devil Rays playing the Royals than watch a bunch of dysfunctional Stepford wives leading their lives of quiet desperation.  Besides, for some reason, all the women on the show started to really annoy me as the season went on.  They all kind of remind of being single when I was in my early 20's, when you don't really know what you're looking for in a mate so you get all excited at the beginning of a relationship but then a few weeks later, you realize that you made a huge mistake and that the girl you're dating is absolutely bonkers.  I know all you guys know what I'm talking about. 

Anyway, sorry to digress.  As for kid-friendly programming, I think the absolute best show to watch with your kids is "American Idol."  Your kids can vote for their favorites on the show, thereby getting their first taste of democracy in action.  You can all discuss for whom you're voting and why.  A friend of mine with several kids uses the show to teach his kids important moral lessons.  For example, he told his kids that he couldn't vote for Scott Savol because the rotund crooner had a history of domestic violence and spousal abuse.  And hitting a woman is NEVER excusable.  He told them that he voted for Nikko, not because he liked his singing but because Nikko was the son of Ozzie Smith, arguably the greatest shortstop to ever play the game of baseball.  He also explains to his kids why Simon is the best judge of the three, noting that life is not a popularity contest but about sticking up for what you believe is right.  Great lessons to be learned there.   Besides, how exciting would it be for his kids if one of their favorites ended up being a real superstar.  After all, Alanis Morisette was discovered on Star Search.  Stranger things have happened. 

As always, friends, e-mail me your questions or post them in the comments and I'll try to include them in the following month's mailbag.  To see previous editions of the Mailbag, here are the ones from February and March.

The Dingo Ate My Baby!!!

You know, I've always believed that a nation's language revealed a lot about its citizens.  And of all the world's langauges, I love what the American version of English says about us as a people.   

Firstly, no other language embraces the world as English does.  We adopt and borrow words from different cultures, just as we adopt and borrow different ideas and trends.  Did you know that the word "ketchup" came to us via Eastern China (where it actually meant fish brine?)  Did you know that more Americans eat salsa than ketchup these days?  How cool is that?    

And show me another language that can use the word "dog" as a noun, a verb AND an adjective?  And then have completely different meanings for the words "hotdog" and "hot-dog"? 

Did you also know that no other language has the sheer volume of words as English?  Did you know that there are fewer than 100,000 words in the French langauge but, according to OED, there are over 900,000 words in the English langauge? (Yeah, baby!  U.S.A.!  U.S.A.!)

Anyway, as an amateur lexicographer, I've always been amazed at the number of words created to describe our individual fears.  For example, we have...

Anuptaphobia- Fear of staying single.
Automatonophobia- Fear of ventriloquist's dummies or wax statues
Paraskavedekatriaphobia- Fear of Friday the 13th
Pteronophobia- Fear of being tickled by feathers.
Spheksophobia- Fear of wasps (the animals, not the people)
Ichthyophobia- Fear of fish

Anyway, I bring all of this up because Best Life magazine just published the results of a poll they took regarding the Greatest Fear that Men have regarding their Preteen/Teenage Child.  Here were the results:

He/she will be killed or seriously injured in a car accident:    30%
He/she will abuse drugs or alcohol:    23%
He/she will not succeed in school:    19%
He/she will become sexually active too soon:    17%
He/she will be greatly affected if we get divorced:     4%
He/she will hate me:    3%
He/she may be gay:    2%
He/she will not practice safe sex:    2%

It's ironic to me that, since becoming a father, I've developed a whole new set of fears.  I've never really been one to fear anything in my life.  I'm not afraid of challenges or confrontations, and I'm always willing to try anything once.  But bringing a new life into the world certainly changes all that in a hurry.  As the Peanut gets older, I'm sure I'll be facing all of the above fears soon enough.  But right now, my little 7-month old girl needs the protection of her parents.  Because she's so helpless, I sometimes find myself thinking about all the possible fears that I have for her.  Some of them are absolutely inane like my fear that she'll be eaten by a dingo, my fear that she'll be kidnapped by a pack of ninjas or my fear that she'll grow up to be a stripper.

But more seriously, what about the fears that I have about the Peanut's safety, her health, her education and the state of the world?   Really, this is just the tiny tip on top of the tip of the iceberg's tip.  The actual number of irrational fears that I have about raising a child is pretty much endless.  And in some sort of apparently misguided attempt to soothe my fears, the shrink says that these worries will pretty much last forever.  (Great!  That advice helps a lot. Can I have my fucking money back, please?)  I've surprisingly chilled out a little bit over the past few months.  But at the beginning of BossLady's pregnancy, I was a fucking lunatic.  I'm getting better so I assume that's just part of one's maturation as a parent.  I guess the sooner one accepts that the worrying will never go away, the sooner one can deal with the realities of watching your child grow up.  Every stage will bring a new set of fears.  Great! 

As the wise man once said, "we've got nothing to fear but fear itself." 

But then again, the wise man never had a daughter or met my friend KH.  My buddy KH, the father of 2 boys, recently dropped a pearl of wisdom on me.  He said, "You know.  When you have a son, you only have to worry about one penis.  But when you have a daughter, you have to worry about ALL of them." 

Thanks, dude!  But since my daughter is only 7-months old, for now, I've got enough to worry about. I'm going to put off my fears about her actually being old enough to date...for at least another year or two.

So what about you?  What fears (rational or not) do you have?  about your kids or anything else?  C'mon, Internet.  An inquiring mind wants to know. 

On being outnumbered, reproductive technology and a sheep named Dolly

Recently, BossLady and I have been having discussions on when we will start trying for "L'enfant: Part Deux."  While we certainly want another child, we're having a blast with the Peanut right now.  At 7-months old, she's an adorably fun-loving child who loves nothing more than spending lots of time with her parents.  She's socially well-adjusted and is really thriving due to all the time that we spend together.  So the reality of the situation is that if we had another child right now, that would mean far less quality time spent with the Peanut.

So BossLady and I have come to the conclusion that we'll start trying again towards the end of next year.  Ideally, we'd like the Peanut to be about three years old when her younger sibling comes along.  We're both comfortable with that scenario and, due to other ongoing events in our life, personally feel that it will work out the best for us.    

But recently, an interesting curveball was thrown in our direction.  We found out that two college friends of mine from California who have a son and, like us, are only planning on having one other child, enlisted the services of a reproductive technology company to increase the odds that their second child will be a girl.  The technology  uses a laser to separate sperm cells by size (X-chromosome cells are larger.)  So far, the technology has had a 91 percent success rate in sorting for girls, and close to 75 percent for boys.  In fact, if using IVF-PGD embryo selection, the chances that a resulting birth will be of the gender selected approach 100%.  I won't go into all the scientific research involved in the procedure but if you want to learn more, check out this link.      

Obviously, this is a fairly controversial subject.  There are so many dimensions to this issue that I'm not even going to try and address all of them.  But as a friend of mine said recently, "it all sounds so Gattaca!"  And in a way, I agree with him.  On the one hand, I don't think gender selection, in and of itself, is anywhere near as controversial a subject as stem cell research, human cloning or the selling of human embryos; in many ways, gender selection is just another amazing development in reproductive medicine and follows the path laid down by test-tube babies, donor eggs, and surrogate motherhood.  I also don't think being able to choose a child's gender necessarily means that we're leading down a path where parents will select children based on predicted intelligence, athletic ability, musical talent, or personality tendencies.   

But on the other hand, I do think that we all need to think about the ramifications involved here.  The FDA has determined gender selection technology to be on par with IVF and has announced their intention to monitor this technology rigorously to ensure that it only be used for gender selection purposes.  And I'm glad to see that those practicing this technology are also attempting to self-regulate themselves.  In fact, the technology is not readily available for everyone.  There are limitations.  For now, one can only be a viable candidate if the family is seeking "gender balance."  In other words, you can't choose to have a boy if you already have 2 boys.  Furthermore, pregnancies are not allowed to be terminated in the event that your child is not of the preferred gender.

So where does that leave me and the BossLady?  Honestly speaking, we don't know.  The concept is still so foreign to us that we're learning more about it every day.  And personally, if nature took its course and we ended up having another girl, I wouldn't mind at all having two daughters.  Sure, I'd be outnumbered 3-1 by the women in the household but the most important thing to me is having two healthy, well-adjusted children.  But, at the same time, I won't deny that there's a small part of me that would like to have a son.  I'm sure my shrink would say that this stems from the male ego's need to create miniaturized versions of their idealized self.  But really?  It's more due to the fact that I think it would be great to have one boy and one girl.  It's a nice balance that I think it makes for a good family dynamic. 

Besides, every culture has their own old wives tale for pre-selecting gender.  When BossLady and I first started trying to get her pregnant, we heard a ton of them.  To ensure a boy, the father was supposed to drink a lot of Pepsi while the mother ate only salty snacks.  Alternatively, you could make love under a full moon after ingesting three cups of coffee each.  If you wanted a girl, the woman was supposed to gorge herself on chocolate and both partners should eat lots of fish and veggies.  Then, there were the myriad of ideas about sexual position.  If you wanted a boy, you should make love standing up.  If you wanted a girl, try the missionary position.  Sounds funny and antiquated, doesn't it?  But honestly, I know quite a few people who have tried all of these ideas.  But now, science has presented us with the ability to do more than wishful thinking.      

Like I said, I'm intrigued by the idea.  At first glance, I don't think I have any moral or ethical compunctions about the concept of gender selection.  Whether BossLady and I decide to do it or not will be our own personal choice.  But I'm curious to hear what other people think about it.  For you, is it a medically unethical decision?  Does gender selection conflict with your religion?  Do you think it's merely another technological advance that improves our lives?  Are we headed down a dangerous path?  Is this just another advancement in reproductive science?  Or is it all just much ado about nothing? 
 

Can you dig it?

Being a speedreader and former insomniac, I always had time to pursue my eclectic interests while most of the population was sleeping. But needless to say, having an infant severely limits one's ability to pursue anything other than sleep during one's free time. Well, now that the Peanut is 7 months old and sleeps like a champ, I'm finally starting to get a little bit of my groove back. We've got a pretty good rhythm going now and I feel like I'm starting to catch my breath and regain a sense of my own individuality. Not that everything's alway a bed of roses but man, those first few months were a killer.

That being said, I've started to take an interest in the outside world again. And apropos of nothing, I thought I'd share a few of the things that I'm really digging right now...

-Ian McEwan's "Saturday". A truly brillant read (even if everyone in the U.K. and their mother says so.) Beautifully crafted and layered, this may be the best book of the year. I'd read Atonement a few years ago but this was a much richer experience.

-Mac OS X Tiger. Spotlight. Dashboard. 4-way video ichat. A faster Safari with RSS. Much better networking capabilities. And about a million other improvements for a die-hard Mac geek like myself. If you're one too, you'll know what I'm talking about. And if you're one of those PC people, you really no longer have any excuse not to make the switch.

-$299 R/T tickets from New York to Paris (Air France "Early Bird Special"). Valid from November through March. $299.00. Round trip! Fares haven't been this low in about 7 years. If you've never been to Paris, you should take advantage of these low fares. You may never see them this cheap again. Sure, the Euro is kicking the dollar's ass. But there are plenty of places to stay in Paris for under $50.00/night. If you need some recommendations, I'd be glad to help you out.

-Greg Araki's new film "Mysterious Skin". I just saw this powerful movie at the Tribeca Film Festival. It's a dark drama covering a touchy subject matter. However, it's perfectly cast and brilliantly directed. In this age of Hollywood regurgitation, Mysterious Skin is refreshingly original, unique and thought-provoking. And isn't that what the movies should be about?

-BlueNile.com. Who would ever think of buying jewelry on the internet? But after reading glowing articles in Forbes, the WSJ and the NY Times, I decided to give it a shot and buy some Mother's Day bling for the BossLady. The whole experience was great and the customer service was fantastic. After doing some more research, I decided to buy some shares in the company last week and have already been rewarded with a 20% gain!

-The revival of dramas on Broadway. Sorry to say but I really hate musicals. I disliked Cats, detested Phantom and abhorred Chicago. But the great news for me is that there's currently a renaissance of great dramas with fantastic casts being staged on Broadway: Alan Alda, Liev Schreiber & Jeffrey Tambor in Mamet's "Glengarry Glen Ross," Jessica Lange & Christian Slater in "The Glass Menagerie," Natasha Richardson & John C. Reilly in "A Streetcar Named Desire," and Kathleen Turner in "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?". To top it all off? Denzel Washington is doing a limited run as the lead in "Julius Caesar."

-Stanley Crouch's article on jazz great Sonny Rollins in last week's New Yorker. Having been a fan of Sonny Rollins for years, I was surprised to see that there was so much about him that I didn't already know. What will the world of jazz journalism do when we lose Stanly Crouch? He continues to embody the best of music criticism and jazz writing.

-My beloved NY Mets are 18-15 and 2.5 games out of first place. And though it's only May, they're playing well enough to stay in contention. Furthermore, Time Warner Cable and Fox Sports ended their childish squabble so the games are back on TV. And that's all this lifelong fan needs to enjoy the summer.

-Chipotle. How did I miss this? Aside from Popeyes Fried Chicken, I've never been much of a fast food guy. But these burrito bols kick ass. I've gone there 3 times in the past 3 weeks.

-The start of soft-shell crab season. For a few weeks every May, crabs molt their shells for something a little bigger. It takes a few days for the new shells to harden so if the crabs are caught right away, you have that awesome delicacy known as the soft-shell crab. Nothing announces the arrival of Spring to me like major league baseball and the start of soft-shell crab season.

-Zhang Ziyi on People's 50 Most Beautiful List. Ms. Zhang bears an uncanny resemblance to my beautiful wife, the BossLady, and will most certainly be cast as her when they make a film based on my life and this blog. Though I was disappointed that none of my Asian brothers (like Daniel Dae Kim from "Lost" for example) made the list, I feel like my lovely wife did. In fact, the BossLady has a much nicer smile than Zhang Ziyi (though her martial arts skills are not quite as good.)

-More Daddy bloggers enter the fray. Like I've always said...the more, the merrier. These daddy blogs may not all be new but they're relatively new to me. I like them all a lot and I think you will too. So go over and say hi to Not-for-Profit Dad, Amateur Dad, Because I'm your Father, Brainy Bug, and Dad Gone Mad.

That's it for me. So what's floating YOUR boat these days? An inquiring mind wants to know.

Happy Mother's Day, BossLady!

Well, BossLady...

It's your first Mother's Day!!! Can you believe that? Although we're goofy enough to celebrate anniversaries like the first day we met (the "meetaversary"), the first day we started dating and the day that you agreed to marry me, I have to say that the importance of Mother's Day has leapfrogged our other celebratory dates. Why? Simply because you're such a fantastic mother and have taken to it like a duck to water.

And I think the duck analogy is a good one. Because I've always thought that great parenting is a lot like being a duck. Everything may look smooth on the surface but underneath it all, you've got to paddle like hell. And ever since the Peanut was born seven months ago, you've proven yourself to be a championship paddler.

As the saying goes, the proof is in the pudding. The Peanut is a wonderfully happy and well-adjusted little child. Your mother's milk has provided her with perfect health. And your generous love has given her such a happy spirit. Seriously, I'm surprised the kid's face doesn't crack, she smiles so much. And though I know the Peanut and I have an extremely close and special bond, her face always lights up when you walk into the room. When I'm playing with her on the floor, she always has to look up every once in awhile to make sure that you're still in the room. And needless to say, on those very rare occasions when the Peanut gets a little fussy, nothing calms her down like being in your arms and hearing you sing to her.

It's so funny to me that it was only 5 years ago when you told me that you weren't really sure you wanted to have kids. You were so worried that it would be a deal-breaker for our relationship. I know this was because we were having such a great time together. We were free to travel whenever we wanted at a moment's notice. We could stay up late talking, laughing or making love. And then we could sleep in the next day until noon. We'd have endless dinners out on the town all the time, either by ourselves or with friends (was there a sushi chef in NY who didn't know us by face?) Then, there were the weekly movies, the 5-hour karaoke bar marathons, the cocktail parties, and the spontaneous weekend trips to Paris. Remember when we actually used to go out clubbing?

But now...life is different. The addition of the Peanut to our family has certainly altered our lifestyle. And though I sometimes miss some of the freedoms of our past, I wouldn't trade our current life for anything in the world. I couldn't be happier than I am right now. And as for you? I never had any doubts. All the traits that make you a great wife, lover and friend also make you a great mother. The Peanut and I have talked about it over the past few months and we both agree...you're the bomb! So happy Mother's Day, honey! You're a natural!

Love,
Moi

(p.s. And a very happy Mother's Day to all you other moms out there. No matter how much respect and appreciation is thrown your way, I know you all deserve much more. And though I tend to shun the Hallmark-created holidays, this is one that I think is well-deserved. So I hope today you get all the love and recognition that you're entitled to. Happy Mother's Day!)

A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court

This weekend, the MetroDad family is leaving the safe confines of Manhattan to embark on a journey to the Midwest.  One of our friends is getting married in Indianapolis on Saturday so BossLady, the Peanut and I have decided to make a long weekend out of it. 

Now, contrary to what one might expect from this denizen of the urban jungle, I'm actually a huge fan of the Midwest.  Yes, I've experienced Southern hospitality.  I've enjoyed the Frontier friendliness of the Wild West.  And I lived in northern California for years so I know all about Pacific-coast passivity.  But for me?  I'll take the Midwest any day of the week.  There's a genuinely wholesome and sincere niceness about Midwesterners that I always look forward to experiencing again.  Maybe I'm just a cynical New Yorker but, in a way, Midwesterners always remind me of those really nice but naively innocent kids at camp...the boys who would never try a cigarette, the girls who never let you kiss them.  I love that about them! 

It's funny because the BossLady always makes fun of me for being a Manhattan snob.  And I have to admit that she's probably right.  When we were looking for an apartment years ago, I refused to even consider any of the outer boroughs.  Even now, I venture into Queens only to watch my beloved Mets, eat Korean food or go to the airport.  And the only time I ever visit Brooklyn is for my bi-annual visits to the world's greatest steakhouse.   But though I may be a Manhattan snob and shun the outer boroughs, I have nothing but the warmest feelings for my fellow citizens in "that whole middle part of the country place." 

Coming back from any visit to the Midwest, I always feel like a nicer person.  Maybe it's due to the fact that day-to-day life there doesn't involve being shoved on the subway, getting cursed at on the streets or spending 20 minutes looking for a taxi.  Dinner reservations don't need to be made a month in advance and road rage seems more like an aberration than a way of life.  Unlike in other parts of the country, I always felt that Midwesterners were better able to appreciate the differences in people's lives.  They seem to be less judgmental but, at the same time, moderately progressive.  Also, aside from their general kindness, I always felt that Midwesterners were great at making you feel as if you were home.  They truly are hospitable people.  I love that about them.  In fact, I like a lot of things about them.  And while I might not be able to put my finger on it exactly, I know I always enjoy spending time there and I always look forward to going back. 

I'll tell you a brief story about my father that might help explain why I think Midwesterners are the paragons of American idealism.  Back in 1949, my father was essentially a street urchin on the streets of Korea.  As a teenager, he had run away from home when his father informed him that since he was going to be a farmer, there was no use in continuing his education.  My father, not wanting to live the life of a farmer and more than a little tired of getting his ass kicked by his father every day, decided he had no choice but to leave.  Therefore, he became a teenage runaway.  When the Korean War broke out, the South Korean government rounded up all the teenage street urchins and shanghaied them into the armed forces.  My father was able to avoid them for weeks by hiding in the fields.  But he was starving and eventually he needed to get some food.  When he came out of the fields, he was caught and immediately forced to fight for the U.S. Army.  Within 4 years, he actually rose through the ranks and ended up earning a Silver Star for his actions.  But then the war ended.  The U.S. troops were pulling out of Korea and my father was going to be forced to fend for himself again on the streets of Seoul.  However, a kind and generous U.S. general from the Midwest took pity on my young father and decided he was going to do everything in his power to help him out.  He arranged for my father to come to Iowa and become a U.S. citizen.  My father was to live with an elderly woman in Des Moines and attend Drake University on an army scholarship.  For my father, it's safe to say that this was a seminal life-altering event.  At the time, he barely spoke any English.  He'd never had a truly formal education.  And he didn't have a single penny to his name.  It must have been like landing on an alien planet for him.  And though he struggled mightily and suffered deeply, he persevered and has achieved great success here.  But without the kind-hearted generosity of a handful of Midwesterners, he (and subsequently I) would not be where he is today.  Not only did they save his life but also they gave him the opportunity for a better one.   

What more could one ask for?  God bless the Midwest!

Maybe I'll send her to the School of Rock

If aliens landed in America today and watched the local news, they could reasonably come to the conclusion that our nation is raising a society of young sociopaths and violent offenders.  What else could they think after observing the mass prevalence of school violence?  of 11-year olds with guns?  of 13-year old rapists? 

Sure, the aliens would learn about episodic tragedies such as Columbine.  But what would they think about the fact that some high-schools in NYC are so dangerous that fully-armed policemen are stationed on the premises every single day?  Or the fact that many schools are now forced to deploy metal detectors and security cameras? How could they envision students learning anything in this type of environment? 

Every time I pick up the paper and hear about another episode of school violence in New York, I turn to the BossLady and tell her that I'm going to homeschool the Peanut.  I have this romantic notion of structuring her education around the classics, centered on a healthy diet of Latin, ancient history, political science, philosophy and English literature.  And what better place to homeschool a child than in Manhattan?  I envision weekly field trips all over the city: the Museum of Natural History, The Guggenheim, Liberty Science Center, the Smithsonian Museum of the American Indian, the Empire State Building, the Nature Conservancy.  The list is literally endless!  And to top it off, we could plan all our annual vacations around the Peanut's education.  I'd take her to see the ruins of Pompeii, the path of Alexander the Great, the Galapagos Islands, Tiannemen Square and the Bolshoi Ballet.  How great would that be? 

Actually, in an ideal world, I'd send the Peanut to the same prep school in NYC that I attended.  The school is an amazingly progressive institution that has a great reputation for academic excellence.  In my graduating class of 120 students, about half the kids ended up at Ivy League schools.  Most of the rest ended up at top institutions (Berkeley, Stanford, and Duke) or at outstanding liberal arts colleges (Vassar, Wesleyan or one of the 7 sisters.)  The academic environment was (and I assume, still is) incredible.  Though relatively small, the school is known for producing uniquely intelligent minds (alumni include Jack Kerouac, William Carlos Williams, Roy Cohn, and James Salter.)  At the age of 12, we were immersed in intensive language classes that covered 6 different languages.  Later, we would focus on one language, choosing among the standard romance languages but also from Chinese, Russian or Swahili.  Aside from a weekly newspaper, students produced more than 20 other publications each year.  The theater productions were legendary.  Some of the sets and costumes rivaled those of some off-Broadway production.  And the music program was so distinguished that several graduates ended up performing with the NY Philharmonic.  The thought of someone bringing a gun to school was unheard of.  We were all too busy studying to ever really have time to get in trouble!

So why don't I send the Peanut there?  Well, I can sum that up in two words...CASH MONEY!  The school's annual tuition is about $30,000/year.  That's for a DAY school.  And whether your child is a 3 year-old or a teenager, the tuition is the same amount!  Sorry.  But I just can't see spending that kind of money for the Peanut to play with finger paint all day.  Maybe in a few years when I hit the Lotto jackpot.  But right now?  I don't think it's happening in our near future.  Shit, that's more than my entire college education cost! Also, to be completely honest, I'd rather see the Peanut thrive in some of the renowned NYC public schools like Stuyvesant or Bronx Science.  I like the idea of her academic career including a dose of reality (as opposed to an environment where 16 year-olds drive $50,000 cars.) 

So where was I?  Ahhh yes...homeschooling.  I have to admit I'm semi-attracted to this idea.  When I  used to mention my potential interest in homeschooling the Peanut to friends, I wasn't really serious.  After all, let's face it.  The old stereotype of homeschooling was a bunch of overzealous religious isolationists who raised their children in the boondocks of Appalachia and taught them to read only the Bible, Treasure Island or Lord of the Flies.  The old stereotype also conjured up images of unsocialized children, ill-prepared to deal with the world around them.  Sure, homeschooled kids kicked ass at the National Spelling Bee but you'd never really want to date one, would you?  The kids always looked so freaking weird.  But times have changed.  So maybe it's time to start re-evaluating the idea of homeschooling again. 

Currently, over 1.2 million children are being schooled at home. The number seems to be increasing every year.  And why not?  Like me, many parents are either scared shitless to send their children to dangerous environments or are frustrated by the poor academic performance exhibited by the local public schools.  The benefits seem relatively clear.  Homeschooled children perform better on standardized tests, learn at their own natural progression, and have greater educational freedom.  Instead of worrying about peer pressure, competition, boredom or bullies, these children can focus on their academics in a much more efficient manner.  In many cases, the closer family relationships demanded of homeschooling tend to reduce the rebellious or self-destructive behavior that may occur from exposure to outside environments.   

So what are the cons?  At first glance, one might be tempted to say the socialization aspect would be a big one.  But as I've learned from my parenting blog friends Jay and Kim, there are plenty of outside after-school opportunities to form bonds with other kids (Boy Scouts, church, etc.).  Another criticism of homeschooling can be related to that old axiom about how an organization is only as strong as its weakest link.  This metaphor is meant to convey the concerns about possible gaps in instruction and the potential lack of parent-educator's qualifications.  In other words, if math is not your strong suit, how can you expect to teach it adequately? 

Personally, I think these concerns are minor ones at best.  Like every other single aspect of parenting, one has to decide what works best for you.  And though I like the concept of homeschooling the Peanut, realistically I know this isn't going to happen for us. Firstly, we can't afford for the BossLady and I not to be working. We're a dual-income family who need every penny of those dual incomes. Second, I'm not sure how healthy it is for children to spend so much time with their parents.  Sure, to a certain degree, it fosters a special closeness.  But at the same time, I think it's important for a child's growing sense of independence to have that time away from mom and dad.  Also, I think that a structured education will provide the Peanut with a more diverse education than might necessarily be possible at home.  Teaching her myself, I might subconsciously emphasize my own interests, as opposed to letting her develop her own.  And lastly, I'm a big proponent of team sports for women.  Call me a Title IX kind of guy.  I think women's sports are great and I want the Peanut to be involved in as many as she likes.  I think that girls playing sports fosters a self-confidence that will help them immeasurably throughout their lives. 

But as always, I'm curious to hear what all of you think about homeschooling.  Am I missing something here?  If you're for it, tell me why.  If you're against it, explain your reasoning.  An inquiring mind wants to know. 

(p.s. Click here for my favorite homeschooling joke.)