The Lessons

*Metrodad is out for a spell so you'll have to wait a week to pick up the further adventures of Peanut and BossLady. MD was kind (and naively trusting enough) to let me be his sub during this time. Call me Poppa Large - big dad on the West Coast.

My vitals: Like MD, I'm Asian as well (Asian dads unite!), of Chinese extraction. My partner, "Samantha" aka "Sam" is also Asian (but not Chinese), thereby making our daughter, "L" a mixed-intra-Asian baby (now six weeks old), and therefore, of the cutest genetic stock possible. At least we think so.

MD has weeks upon weeks of parental lead time over me and indeed, reading his blog prepared us for the wild and wonderful world of things such as TAEs. However, unlike MD's bright and smiling perspective on fatherhood, Poppa Large is more of the "parenthood is kicking our goddamn ass" variety.

I'll be upfront - I'm bitter at all my friends with kids who didn't adequately warn me or Sam about how hard parenthood would be. We always got the, "oh yeah, it's hard but you'll love it" line, which is usually said with the air of casualness one might apply to say, French cooking. We soon learned however - raising a newborn was not quite like making coq a vin, though in both cases, copious amounts of wine can help make the process go better.

It's my theory that newborns give off a slow-acting phermone that corrodes the part of the brain that normally stores traumatic memories such as labor and/or new parenthood. As a result, people quickly forget the difficulty of it all and are pre-programmed to tell other prospective parents that, "oh yeah, it's hard but you'll love it." It's designed to ensure the future of the species because frankly, if the truth came out, the rate of human reproduction could plummet to extinction-level event status.

In dwelling with my innumerable thoughts about parenthood, especially for first timers like Sam and I, it quickly dawned on me that there are at least three important lessons all prospective and new parents should learn. They are:

LESSON ONE: Every parent thinks they're an expert on parenting.

It doesn't matter if they have a two day old newborn or enough progeny to field a baseball team - parents think they know everyting about parenting simply because they've gone through it.

On one hand, I can appreciate where this logic originates from. Having a kid is a pretty big friggin' deal and like living through war, a serious illness or a visit from the in-laws, once you've survived the experience, it's impossible not to feel like you've gained some Important Insight. However, just beacuse you know how to change the oil in your car and replace a flat tire doesn't make you a mechanic. Flying on a plane doesn't make you a capable pilot.

Yet, ask any parent about "the best [fill in baby-related item]" and suddenly, people turn into Consumer Reports. Ask them their philosophy on parenting and they speak with the authority of Dr. Sears/Spock/Dre, et. al. In other words, parenthood turns formerly humble and unassuming people and instantly transforms them into mildly pretentious know-it-alls. (Like me).

LESSON TWO: Avoid all advice other parents give you. Including mine.*

*most of it anyways

LESSON THREE: If you're desparate enough to take any of the advice thrown at you (and believe me, you'll be desparate enough), whatever you do, DO NOT disregard CFS.

CFS = Common Fucking Sense.

Most of us in America didn't grow up in social environments where child-rearing was a communal project. If you're lucky, maybe you had much younger siblings that you remembered helping to take care of, but for many others, parenthood is terra incognito. This is why the baby advice industry is a multi-billion dollar industry: it's all designed to play on the anxieties of Paranoid, Inexperienced Parents (PIPs) who are convinced that unless they buy the right videos, books, toys, clothes, and sippy cups, their children are doomed to end up as teenage hustlers with a heroin habit or even worse: Republican.

Most new parents really only need a modicrum of basic parenting lessons, i.e. changing a soiled diaper = good. Asbestos teddy bears = bad.) The rest you can figure out with a healthy dose of CFS. However, most new PIPs are so anxious about doing something wrong, they turn off their CFS and instead, try to follow through on well-intentioned advice that leads them down the short road to hell.

Case in point: when Samantha and I gave birth to L, one of the nurses we saw in the first two days told us, "oh, make sure you burp her for at least 15-20 minutes to get all the gas out."

Think about that: do burping a baby for TWENTY MINUTES after each feeding make CFS?

No. Hell. No.

Burping is designed to get any gas bubbles out of the baby's system right after feeding and especially for newborns, burping helps them go to sleep since they're more comfortable once they've cleared an offending belch/fart out of their system. However, I don't know about you, but I wouldn't feel very drowsy if I had someone 20x my size whacking me on the back for TWENTY MINUTES.

But sure enough, as a pair of PIPs, we trotted home with L and after every feeding, we'd start playing Whack-a-Mole on her back as if we had a roll of quarters to burn Sam would actually get angry with me if I only burped L for, say, five minutes. She'd say, "you need to do it for at least another ten minutes!" with a tone of such disapproval, you'd think I had been teaching L how to freebase cocaine.

Thank god another health professional told us, a few days later, that the initial advice we were given was ridiculous. Now, we burp for, at most, a few minutes and L seems none the worse for it.

Believe me, the opportunities to throw CFS out the window are vast and numerous, especially when you've read the umpteenth book on parenting (that, of course, your friends and family all bought you) or spoken to yet another nurse or doctor giving you contradictory advice. It's a wonder that PIPs aren't all on Paxil during the first month.

Just remember: parenthood - like pimpin' - ain't easy. If you're a PIP try to keep your wits about you as much as possible and never lose sight of CFS. And stop taking advice from other parents.

Including me.

Comments

[Jennifer]

Wonderful post! Welcome to parenthood, and the wonderful world of parent blogging. Will we be seeing a link to your own site soon?
Jen

[Poppa Large]

Thanks for the kind words Jennifer but while I thought about doing the daddy blog myself, I don't know if I'd have enough to say, day in, day out, to sustain it over time. This week covering for Metrodad should be a good test to see how many ideas I really have in motion.

[Alain]

Very funny, Poppa Large! I can see why you and MD are friends. I especially liked your ideas on CFS. And I totally agree with you about how annoying other parents can be. My wife always says that the worst thing about parenthood is other parents. Nice work!

[Kristin]

Poppa Large: Nice and funny posting. But, out of curiosity, and as 1/2 of a couple who is considering having children, what would you say is the hardest part?

[MetroDad]

Way to go, Poppa Large. I knew I was leaving my blog in good hands. Great post. Can't wait to hear what else you've got to say. See you next week!

[Poppa Large]

Kristin,

I'll try to address your question at the *end* of my next post.

[david parmet]

Hey PL - welcome to the wonderful world of no sleep. I've got three of my own - the oldest is five - and I spend a good part of my day trying very hard to remember what silence was and wonder why I didn't enjoy it more.

Wine does help. And my kids aren't old enough to be too embarassed to say 'I love you daddy.'

[Suzanne]

Great post! And so true. I'm thinking of writing a book on all the advice people want to give you on raising a child...highlighting the advice that comes from people WITHOUT kids! There will be a chapter for mother in laws and mothers too!

[Dr. Johnny Fever]

Hate to say I told you so, Poppa, but I totally DID warn your ass about the pitfalls of fatherhood:

http://www.dadgonemad.com/2005/01/things_they_don.html

In other news, you're a fucking riot.

[LHB]

Excellent job as a fill-in for MD.
BTW, I am all about telling people that parenting is frickin hard. (My daughter is 6 months)

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