Dante's 10th Circle of Hell

In case I hadn't mentioned it, BossLady and I enrolled the Peanut in daycare about a month ago. And not entirely unsurprisingly, the Peanut is flourishing there. She's extremely well-socialized, sleeps great and has the happiest disposition one could ever hope for. The kid is literally all smiles, all the time. But of course, there's a downside. And right now, that downside is kicking my ass.

The problem, my friends, is that the Peanut has become a living repository for every airborne germ floating in the Tri-State Metropolitan region. Protected and immunized by her mother's breast milk, the Peanut instead throws viral bacteria around like used pacifiers. Seriously, I think someone needs to take a look at her. She's a living Petri dish. As much as it pains me to say this, I think her kisses might be laced with botulism.

The BossLady and I are caught up in this vicious cycle right now where we're alternating being sick. Her turn was last week. But then by Friday evening, she finally started feeling better. Over the weekend, we had dinner with friends, went out for brunch, saw Christo's Gates in Central Park, and had a beautifully romantic Valentine's dinner at our favorite restaurant. We came home, kissed the Peanut while she slept, and hit the sack...only to both wake up feeling like hell warmed over.

It's like a cruel joke, people. If it weren't so unbelievable, we probably wouldn't believe it ourselves. For the past 4 weeks, either BossLady or I have been sick. This hellish cycle is like Wagner's Nibelungen! We're in tortuous misery and we have no idea when it's going to end. Meanwhile, the Peanut just looks at us and smiles.

Now, I'm not one of those guys who turns into a whimpering baby when he gets sick. No, not me. Years of watching Dr. Marcus Welby, Dr. Doogie Howser and Dr. Mark Green have convinced me that I already know everything I need to know about modern medicine. Besides, it's a well-known fact that one need not ever go to a doctor now because WebMD is just as good. So when it comes to the common cold, I just self-medicate myself and create my own old wive's tales on how I can make myself feel better. How, you may ask? Well, my thought process usually goes something like this...

Well, alcohol kills bacteria, right? If so, then a good shot of scotch should help me feel better. It'll also probably help me get to sleep. Double bonus. Hmm..the Nyquil package says I should take 2 doses? Well, inductive reasoning states that if 2 doses are good, then 4 doses must be twice as good, right? Down the hatch! But ughh..this cough is killing me. I need to get all this phlegm out of my chest. Hmm...a cigarette would probably loosen that up. The smoke should be a natural expectorent and clear up my chest in no time. I'm a genius! Who needs doctors?

Unfortunately, I haven't been able to put my self-realized action plan into effect yet. So I'm still feeling like a stuffed-up turd. I won't complain but I am going to be in a seriously convalescent state for the next few days so you might not hear from me for a little while.

But today is Valentine's Day. And though I like to think that I'm a pretty tough guy, at heart I will always and forever be a hopeless romantic. So despite my current state of decrepitude, I want to wish my lovely wife, the BossLady, a very happy (and healthy) Valentine's Day. Thanks for saying "yes" four years ago, honey. You're my best friend, lover and soulmate. I look forward to watching the grass grow with you over the years.

And also, a special Valentine's Day wish to my little 18 week-old daughter, the Peanut. What can I say, kiddo. You've been hanging around for a little over 4 months now and you've captured my heart in ways that I never imagined. I think we're going to keep you. Seriously, you're the greatest little bundle of joy I could ever ask for. I know you didn't meant to inflict me with Legionnaire's Disease. I probably shouldn't have been kissing your face non-stop while boogers were flowing from your nose. But what can I say? I've always been a sucker for a pretty face. Ask your mama.

And from all of us to all of you...Happy Valentine's Day. May you celebrate this Hallmark-created holiday with grotesque displays of commercialism and indulgence like the rest of us.

Comments

[Jennifer]

I wish that I could tell you that this never ending sickness will stop but that would be a lie. Right now my nine months old is spraying my face with giant snotty sneezes,taking a dump in my hands because the diaper can't hold any more doody, and threw up right in my bed where I sleep. The result of all this you ask? I feel like crap. That's right, the kid passed it on to me again.

[JJ Daddy in Savannah]

Sorry to say, Daddy-O, but this will be your lot in life until the Peanut gets to be 18 months or so, if our experience is any guide.
My wife, our peanut and I were sick on a rotating basis for that long while she brought home all sorts of interesting bugs from school.
Then, one day, we all looked at each other and realized "Hey, were not sick anymore!" And for the next 2-3 years we only had the occasional cold.
Unfortunately we are starting it all again with our 10-month old twins now.
You are luckier than most if the kid does not get sick along with the parents, but don't worry, that can't last.
:)

[David]

"As much as it pains me to say this, I think her kisses might be laced with botulism."

That is too funny! What a classic line.

Hope your feeling better soon! You know...the old wives tales sometimes do work. One time, when I had a bad cold I ended up going out with friends, got hammered and woke up feeling like a champ. Sometimes it works!

[Kristie]

Awww, Happy late Valentine's Day to you guys! Hope you feel better soon!

[Amy]

Happy belated Valentines day to you and your family!

[landismom]

If you think it's bad now, just wait until your next deadline. That's when my kids are always sure to bring home some festering germ that takes out the whole family. But not all in one day. Oh no. It picks us off one by one.

[Brent]

Daycare centers are like germ factories, dude. Be prepared to be constantly sick for the next few years. The great thing is that your Peanut will build up a very strong immune system at daycare. She may get sick a lot now (and you will too) but she's much less likely to get sick when she gets older because she'll have been exposed to so many strains of bacteria. This is actually a good thing. In many ways, it's easier to deal with a sick infant than a sick 3 year-old kid. Hang in there!

[More Diapers]

Man, I am such a winey bitch when I'm sick. It's compounded by lack of sleep. If I were to get sick now, with the HBomb all of 3.5 weeks, I think all the scotch and Nyquil in the world wouldn't help me. Beer maybe, but not Scotch or Nyquil. Get better dude!

[enygma]

I remember when I was subbing for awhile last year I kept getting sleep. Being kind of slow, I later realized that it was the students that kept getting me sick, especially when they sneezed in my face without covering their mouths. I hope you and the Boss Lady get better soon.

[Russ]

I heart Nyquil! The stuff works wonders for me.

My 4-year old is sick at the moment with some bug (probably picked it up at preschool, or our playgroup). She's miserable and it just breaks my heart to see her like this, but there's not much you can do but let the virus run its course.

[Suzanne]

It must be up and down the east coast because my son's school almost closed down there was so many sick kids! Germs are something else aren't they?
Feel beeter you guys!

[david]

Our five year old wasn't sick a day once until the day he started nursery school. that's where it all comes from. Our daughters are in a nursery school where we're supposed to keep them home if their noses are running - yeah right... where do they think they got that cold from.

Since Sara and Lucy were born it's pretty much been one cold going back and forth between the five of us.

[Beth]

Hope you are both feeling better.

[Leila Winters]

Dude...you've gotta be one of the smoothest talkers in the United States. But that's just a sign of your great love for the wifey. ^___^

Haha, I can't wait 'til I get to be all gooey with words...let the public humiliation begin!

Sad...my niece is generally strong as an ox (even though she's a snake) during good times and bad. My nephew on the other hand...he's sick ALL the time! Seven years old (and an ox, strangely enough) and every little thing throws his skinny little body out of whack. I don't think my family's ever had a sickly one, so we're all kind of at a loss. I mean, the boy can't even run around after he eats--he might get nauseated and up-chuck! (okay, well, I guess that's with a lot of kids)

Well, at least Peanut knows you love her, even if she DOES have boogers running down her nose.

[Abby]

My daughter went into full time day care at 15 months. And seriously, aside from maybe 1 runny nose, she had never been sick. Then daycare and...BOOM. About 2 weeks after she started she got her 1st ear infection. And then her 2nd, and 3rd. I can't remember if we were on the 3rd or the 4th when we put her on low dose antibiotics until spring, w/the caveat that if she broke through those she would need tubes in her ears. Thankfully, no more ear infections.After that she's been sick about once a year, with the exception of when she started kindergarten last year (new strains of germs). Her pediatrician has basically forgotten who we are (fine w/me!). So I'm hoping it will get better for you. But stock up and Nyquil and scotch, just in case.

I have to go now-I have to call my husband who's at home with our sick daughter! (This must be the one for this year!)

[BossLady]

I'm now on my third cold in a month. Anyone got any tips on how NOT to get sick? Seriously folks, I'm dying here. We're constantly wiping Peanut's hands and nose, and washing our hands. But then, she'll cough the tiniest cough and I'm out sick the next day. Still, I can't stop kissing her face! -BossLady

[Lydia]

Sorry, BossLady! Sure wish I had some suggestions for ya! Unfortunately, dealing with sickness is a rite of parenthood. Tough to avoid. But you guys are probably getting it worse because this has been such a bad cold and flu season. Anyway, wait until you have a few more kids. Everything gets passed around like a hot potato. I swear at least one member of our family has been sick since 2002 (there are 5 of us). No rest for the weary. Feel better! Try some chicken soup!

[panthergirl]

This was hilarious (although not really fun for you). But I'd like to weigh in on the daycare=sick thing. When I had my daughter, I had my own business so she did not go into daycare. She was the Ear Infection Queen. It was insane. Nine years later, I had my son and no longer worked for myself, so he went into daycare at 8 weeks old. He is now 10, and with a few notable exceptions (Lyme's Disease and surgery for undescended testicles), he has pretty much only gone to the doctor for his annual well-visit. I'm not kidding.

So...as she gets a little older, being exposed to so many kids may actually BUILD her immune system.

[and I hope you were kidding about the smoking!!!! I'm on a personal crusade to get every smoking parent I know to stop. My son was left fatherless at 8 years old because of that wretched habit. OK...off soap box! Feel better!]

[Tiger Dancer]

Just wait until she starts pre/school. I have one in preschool, and both in daycare - I am sick all the time. Ugh

TD

[john]

So sweet "I look forward to watching the grass grow with you over the years." Really very tender and heart felt.

After 20+ years of marriage I read that fast and thought "I look forward to the grass growing over you." Time to hit the Ophthalmologist or therapist.

[Busy Mom]

Hang in there. All mine went to daycare and, sure they get sick, but they also get better and there'll be a day (sooner than you think)when the Peanut can tell you what's wrong and that helps. As for you getting sick, it's just that time of year and as they get older you won't (or at least we didn't)catch quite as much from them.

[Kim]

Dude, you used "decrepitude" appropriately in a sentence AND reference Wagner. How sick can you be? Or does all that Nyquil just make you smarter?

Geez, a coupla bong hits and you could probably invent your own philosophy and retire young.