In case I hadn't mentioned it, BossLady and I enrolled the Peanut in daycare about a month ago. And not entirely unsurprisingly, the Peanut is flourishing there. She's extremely well-socialized, sleeps great and has the happiest disposition one could ever hope for. The kid is literally all smiles, all the time. But of course, there's a downside. And right now, that downside is kicking my ass.
The problem, my friends, is that the Peanut has become a living repository for every airborne germ floating in the Tri-State Metropolitan region. Protected and immunized by her mother's breast milk, the Peanut instead throws viral bacteria around like used pacifiers. Seriously, I think someone needs to take a look at her. She's a living Petri dish. As much as it pains me to say this, I think her kisses might be laced with botulism.
The BossLady and I are caught up in this vicious cycle right now where we're alternating being sick. Her turn was last week. But then by Friday evening, she finally started feeling better. Over the weekend, we had dinner with friends, went out for brunch, saw Christo's Gates in Central Park, and had a beautifully romantic Valentine's dinner at our favorite restaurant. We came home, kissed the Peanut while she slept, and hit the sack...only to both wake up feeling like hell warmed over.
It's like a cruel joke, people. If it weren't so unbelievable, we probably wouldn't believe it ourselves. For the past 4 weeks, either BossLady or I have been sick. This hellish cycle is like Wagner's Nibelungen! We're in tortuous misery and we have no idea when it's going to end. Meanwhile, the Peanut just looks at us and smiles.
Now, I'm not one of those guys who turns into a whimpering baby when he gets sick. No, not me. Years of watching Dr. Marcus Welby, Dr. Doogie Howser and Dr. Mark Green have convinced me that I already know everything I need to know about modern medicine. Besides, it's a well-known fact that one need not ever go to a doctor now because WebMD is just as good. So when it comes to the common cold, I just self-medicate myself and create my own old wive's tales on how I can make myself feel better. How, you may ask? Well, my thought process usually goes something like this...
Well, alcohol kills bacteria, right? If so, then a good shot of scotch should help me feel better. It'll also probably help me get to sleep. Double bonus. Hmm..the Nyquil package says I should take 2 doses? Well, inductive reasoning states that if 2 doses are good, then 4 doses must be twice as good, right? Down the hatch! But ughh..this cough is killing me. I need to get all this phlegm out of my chest. Hmm...a cigarette would probably loosen that up. The smoke should be a natural expectorent and clear up my chest in no time. I'm a genius! Who needs doctors?
Unfortunately, I haven't been able to put my self-realized action plan into effect yet. So I'm still feeling like a stuffed-up turd. I won't complain but I am going to be in a seriously convalescent state for the next few days so you might not hear from me for a little while.
But today is Valentine's Day. And though I like to think that I'm a pretty tough guy, at heart I will always and forever be a hopeless romantic. So despite my current state of decrepitude, I want to wish my lovely wife, the BossLady, a very happy (and healthy) Valentine's Day. Thanks for saying "yes" four years ago, honey. You're my best friend, lover and soulmate. I look forward to watching the grass grow with you over the years.
And also, a special Valentine's Day wish to my little 18 week-old daughter, the Peanut. What can I say, kiddo. You've been hanging around for a little over 4 months now and you've captured my heart in ways that I never imagined. I think we're going to keep you. Seriously, you're the greatest little bundle of joy I could ever ask for. I know you didn't meant to inflict me with Legionnaire's Disease. I probably shouldn't have been kissing your face non-stop while boogers were flowing from your nose. But what can I say? I've always been a sucker for a pretty face. Ask your mama.
And from all of us to all of you...Happy Valentine's Day. May you celebrate this Hallmark-created holiday with grotesque displays of commercialism and indulgence like the rest of us.