Nobody told us there'd be days like these

Sadly, news has broken of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston's impending demise. It seems the stresses and excesses of their glamarous lifestlyles were taking a toll on the relationship. There's rampant speculation that Brad wanted children, whereas Jennifer was less inclined (once again, things that probably should have been discussed BEFORE the wedding.)

Anyway...aside from the fact that the new celebrity "it" couple is Flavor Flav and Brigitte Nielsen, I'm happy to declare that BossLady and I are still married. This is no small feat because we have just survived the first three months of parenthood. Internet, why didn't you warn us?

Yes...we knew it was going to be difficult. We knew the lack of sleep, the stress, the incessant crying, and the fear of the unknown would all combine to put a strain on our relationship. We even went out and bought a few books that would supposedly help us during the so-called "Fourth Trimester." Books with titles like "When Partners Become Parents" and "Transition to Parenthood: How a First Child Changes a Marriage." And these were great books. But like petting a shark, you can't really understand the experience just by reading about it.

The BossLady and I are not one of those couples who have never fought a day in their lives. Nope, not us. A lot of the time, the fuel that lights our fire is FIRE! In other words, though our bonds are strong, we've hardly had the kind of relationship that one would call tranquil. But when push comes to shove, we know that we're always there for each other and that we're each other's best friend.

That being said...having a newborn baby was more than a push or a shove. It was more like a push down a staircase or a shove into oncoming traffic. Man, it was tough. Our nerves were shot. Our patience was wearing thin. And the sleep deprivation was like a NASA experiment in anger management. There were days when we didn't think we were going to make it. There were days when we wouldn't even speak to one another! Hell, I'll be honest. There were days when I wanted to run off and disappear to Tahiti! But all the books told us that things would change after 12 weeks. That a corner would be turned and that we'd be able to gain some semblance of normalcy. Ha! Normalcy! Ha! Books!

Well, it turns out that the fucking books were right. Life is grand again. And it's even more glorious now that we're better able to enjoy the fruits of parenthood. I guess Rousseau was right. That which did not kill us only made us stronger. And now, after 12 long weeks, we have our lives back and life truly is better than ever. We're better as a couple and we're better parents for having lived through the experience. Turns out Peanut was able to teach US a lesson.

So as a new parent with the imbued wisdom of 12 weeks of experience, I can only offer the advice to the other expectant mothers and fathers out there that I wish we had received in the first days of the Peanut's birth . Don't worry. Things will eventually change. Don't have your wife committed to an insane asylum. Don't get a restraining order against your husband. Stop calling 1-800-Divorce. Don't fight in front of the baby. Remember to be nice to each other. Be sure to try and give each other some space and be extra understanding of one another. Just give it some more time. Rememer that things ain't exactly easy for your spouse either. And above all else, practice patience. Because patience is the first thing that goes and, ironically, it's the thing that you need the most during this time. I wish someone had given us that lesson 12 weeks ago. As a new Dad, that's my advice to you.

Now...if any of you out there have advice on how to make it as a couple through the NEXT 18 YEARS, don't be stingy! Pass that info on!

Comments

[Jenny]

Umm..next 18 years...lotsa Jack Daniels. ;)

[Jocelyn]

I hear ya, Metrodad! My husband and I were at each other's throats during the first few months after our son's birth. I was going through some post-partum depression and he was handling virtually all the household and baby chores. It was not the joyous time that I thought it would be. I could have sworn that we were going to get divorced. But like you said, things got better once we turned the corner on 3 months. And now, our relationship is stronger than ever. So I guess your advice to newborn couples is right. I wish someone had told me too!

[Keisha]

Congrats on making the three month mark. I did it as a single parent and it was tough but I got thru it. As for the next 18 I guess I will continue reading your site because I don't drink but I am truly considering it.

[Stacy]

:::swigs martini, grinds out cigarette with spike heel::: Welcome to the roller coaster, Newbie. You're on a downward swoop right now but there's another mountain to climb just waiting around the corner, just you wait!

Actually, what you'll find is that surviving things like those first few months becomes a new kind of glue that holds you together. Kind of like the bond that disaster survivors feel, you know?

I just gave my blog a new tagline: Babies are like the Borg. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.

[Linda]

our daughter is 16 weeks and we still have those moments. Now if you can just call my husband and tell him to calm the *#!@ down.
But like you said, it does get better.
One thing - you spelled glamorous incorrectly, but it's okay. You just had a baby!
That is the excuse I've been using these days for just about everything. It's great.

[L.A. Daddy]

Right on, Man! Missus and I hit a rough patch in our marriage also when our daughter was first born. Wish someone had told me how rough it was going to be. I'll say that it definitely took US by surprise. Be interesting to hear from some other parents with older kids what additional rough patches we're likely to hit. But yeah, I'll agree with you. Life after that third month sure did get better!

[Hank]

As the father of two boys (ages six and three, thank you very much), I just have to say that once you get past the first three months it's all clear sailing, it's nothing but 'Why yes loving parent, now that I am sufficiently mature I would love to begin using the toilet.' 'You say I have watched enough TV for today, well then I believe I shall colour in my Power Rangers colouring book until dinner time.' The strange thing is that I didn't expect the boys to speak with English rather than American spelling.

But seriously, the part that gets really hard is that at some point your beautiful baby decides that he has a mind of his own the only way to get your point across (eg, No you can't dash across the grocery store parking lot) is to yell at him.

[Kristie]

The most important thing you can do is keep a structured schedule, especially when she's a toddler. It will be boring and you will wonder what happened to your life, but it will be worth it when school starts. There will be less temper tantrums because she doesn't want to go to school/do her homework/go to bed on time. It also helps the day go smoother. If she knows what to expect then she will be content.

Unless a structured part of her day is cleaning her room. I never did get that one to stick. :0)

[Kris]

I remember right after my second son was born (my first was 19 months old), my sister in law told me, "three months. Once you get to three months, you're golden." Then I remember shuffling to the calendar, counting out the weeks to the three month mark, and crying because it seemed like three years! But, by the time the three month mark did come, we ... well we had a few good days then we got into a car accident. LOL. We all survived relatively unhurt, so our three months of hell ended with a little perspective thrown in on top. We really did have a great time after that, though. ;)

Great post!

[Glen]

Gee, I feel kinda spoiled now.

Apart from the lack of nookie and sleep deprivation things have been pretty easy for us. My wife's body is snapping back into it's prepregnancy form at an amazing pace, and she's been back at work a while now.

All this and we have twins.

Thanks for making me appreciate what I have. I was getting pretty upset about the year or so of no tender lovin due to the high risk pregnancy and extra work that two babies inflicts on a person.