Hey Dude, do my tits look bigger to you?

They say that the average woman gains between 30-35 lbs during pregnancy. This sounds about right, considering that mothers-to-be are not only carrying around a living creature but also a placenta, an enormous uterus and a sackful of amniotic fluid. I don't know how much breasts weigh but, by the looks of it, most pregnant women are gaining about 10 lbs in tits alone! So taking all this into account, it's obviously no surprise that women are prone to gaining some weight both during and after birth.

So what the fuck is my excuse? Seriously! I just got back from Texas, where I spent a week eating my Mother-In-Law's homemade Korean cooking. The woman is a cooking machine! She actually had planned every single meal that we would eat about a month before we arrived (let it be known that OCD, insomnia and a cooking fetish are a dangerous combination.)

Anyway, when we got back to New York, my favorite jeans seemed a little tighter than the last time I'd tried them on. I just figured that they had shrunk a little more than usual from being in the washer/dryer. But since I hadn't been on a scale lately, I decided to weigh in and check up on my poundage.

Holy Shit! I've gained about 14 lbs since the BossLady became pregnant! And this isn't pregnancy weight that can be lost by breastfeeding or a rebalancing of hormones. No, my friends. This weight gain was hard-earned, good old-fashioned flab, dispersed over a long period of time. Man, how the fuck did this creep up on me? Was it because I was joining my pregnant wife when she had all those late-night cravings for cheese puffs and Oreos? Was it from that period after the Peanut's birth when we were too tired to cook so we just ordered Chinese dumplings every night? Or could it be from the fact that I hadn't been to the gym since BossLady's first trimester? I'm guessing it's all these things.

It's funny. Having read literally every single book about pregnancy, childbirth and parenting, I've come across quite a bit of literature about post-partum depression in men. It's not uncommon for new fathers to withdraw from the world around them after their wives give birth. Similarly, there's also a phenomenon called "Couvade syndrome", a psychosomatic illness where men experience the same symptoms of pregnancy as their wives (including morning sickness, food cravings, leg cramps, etc.). But I've haven't seen much data or hardcore empirical evidence regarding a new father's weight gain. I'm assuming that's because it's so fucking obvious, it really doesn't need any scientific follow-up.

Anyway, it's time to get on the program. I don't want to get back into peak shape because of any desire to look good (ok..I take that back. Who am I kidding? I'm a vain motherfucker.) But I really do want to get back in some sort of semblance of shape (besides round) so I can run around with the Peanut. Living in Manhattan, I see a lot of older Dads at the park with their kids. The vast majority of them are horribly out of shape. And though I don't know the specifics of their medical histories, I can't imagine it's all that much fun for a little kid to toss a ball to his dad, only to have him roll it back while parking his ass on a bench. Or to play hide-and-seek with your dad and win every time because the only place he can hide is behind the refrigerator.

Nope, that's not going to be me. I want to play with my daughter all the time. I want to teach her to ski, shoot hoops, and hit a curveball. And it's not like I've gotten fat. It's just that I'm 36 years old, that age when gaining a little weight is kind of like swimming a little further away from the beach. If you stray too far, you're never going to make it back. The problem is really about finding the time to fit in any sort of workout. Maybe I just need to eat healthier. Maybe I'll just sit on the couch and bench press the dog. Or maybe I'll go on the Keith Richards diet and subsist solely on cigarettes, drugs and Jack Daniels. I really don't know what I'll do.

Anyone out there got any helpful suggestions? (If not, stop hogging the couch and pass me some more of those Cheese Puffs and Oreos.)

Comments

[Jen]

My hubby had the same issue, and even I had a hard time losing the weight after the pregnancy. We basically came to the realization that we never had time to sit down and have 3 normal meals a day. We just grabbed whatever we could whenever we could. Some days we ate every time we feed the kid (3 meals and 2 snacks), and some days we were lucky to eat one snack. Once we tried to eat well-rounded meals again, we were not so snacky and didn't need to keep Cheetos , Dr. Pepper, and Chunky Chocolate Toffee Crunch Ice Cream around the house.

It was also difficult to keep up the sport we played pre-baby - Tennis. What was I going to do? Park her stoller facing the fence so the stray balls didn't whallop her in the head? I felt that someone might call CPS on me, so I haven't taken her onto a Tennis Court yet.

[L.A. Daddy]

I feel your pain too. I still haven't lost the weight that I gained when the missus was pregnant. And that was many moons ago! Man, whenever I get some free time, I don't want to work out. I just want to sleep!

[LOD]

I think that's a universal Daddy thing, especially since a lot of dads create meals to satisfy cravings -- until the food that was once craved is now repulsive, and Daddy would rather eat it than chuck it.

I've done better now that we're expecting child no. 2. I still eat a lot of stuff I hadn't planned to, but I get to burn it off chasing, chasing, chasing after no. 1.

[MoMMY]

My hubby gained about 20 pounds when I was pregnant with the first. I think it had something to do with my baking fetish. Apple pie and brownies, brownies, brownies.

LOD is right, the chasing helps take some of the pounds off. Also, now that the "baby" is four, hubby has joined a gym. That has definitely helped. (Thank God we can't get pregnant any more. He's looking HOT!)

Good luck with the extra poundage!

[Jenny]

Dude, I was off the charts..I gained 35lbs in each boob, with each pregnancy! ;)
I don't care what anyone is saying these days...I totally recommend the South Beach Diet. I started it last year(Yes the no carb thing sucks, but you get used to it.) I have lost 50lbs. You lose a lot of weight, very quickly, in the first month or so. If all you need it a little bit of lose, you'll do it in the first coupla weeks. No kidding. I could show you begore and after pictures of myself, that you wouldn't believe.

[Jenny]

Oops, I meant to say...If all you need is a little bit of lose...Heh heh

[Jenny]

Okay, I am so not awake yet..it's only 6:30 AM...I was trying to say LOSS, in that there sentence. :D

[Jenny]

BEGORE?? Okay, I give up..it's too early..I won't clog up your comments anymore! lol

[cooper]

Oh God, don't even talk to me about prego weight gain. After four kids I feel, well, let's just say, NOT THE SAME.

Anyway, my husband loved the Chubby Hubby Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream as much as I did. So I know you guys could relate.

Jen from Three Kid Circus and I are going to start a group blog just for this purpose (Jenny is setting it up). She suggests calling it "Losing It" and maybe you would want to join us from time to time? She is going to post a link on her blog when it is up. I know that if I feel like I am accountable to someone, other than myself, I might stick to the healthy eating/exercise thing.

[Kristie]

Weight gain sucks. Over the holidays I gained SEVEN pounds. SEVEN!!! Ugh!

If you don't have the Eating for Life cookbook I suggest you get it. It's got a lot of really good food in there! Good enough so that I can cook it and feed it to The Boss and he doesn't even know it's good for him until after he's eaten it and declared it good enough to eat again. Most of it is also very easy to make and doesn't take a lot of time.

I take Tae Kwon Do classes 3 times a week with my kids. And I may fire up the treadmill that's been collecting dust in the family room. Oh, and the Total Gym too.

Good luck!

[Philip]

Since I'm currently tackling my own "get back in shape" plan, I can tell you that the sooner you start the better. But that's about the end of the good news. It'll take vigilance on your part concerning diet - eat small regular meals during the day, 5 or 6 little meals compared to 3 big daddy meals is much better for your metabolism - and hard work with exercise. The first hurdle will be finding the time to exercise. Then there's the pain of doing it. Then the discipline to keep it up. There's not an easy fix for taking care of things that have crept up on you for months (or years), but keep looking at Peanut and your wife for motivation. I'm posting my weight and progress on my site, which makes for further motivation. Good luck!

[J.]

Welcome to the wonderful world of fatherhood. I believe that it is a right of passage for all new fathers to gain some weight while their wives are pregnant. Perhaps that's our way of sharing the pain. As for taking the weight off, these other parents are right. Once your Peanut starts running around and you have to chase her all over the place, you'll be surprised how much energy that will take up. Also, when your baby starts getting more sleep and is on a regular sleep schedule, you'll find that your eating/fitness schedule will regain a sense of normalcy. But now? You're a new father. Enjoy it!

[Moxie]

Another thing to consider is that lack of sleep contributes to weight gain.

I think you should cut yourself a little slack here. You still have a teeny infant, and it's the middle of the freaking winter/monsoon season. When it gets nice enough to be outside all the time, you'll come home from work and walk walk walk around your neighborhood for an hour every night and that (plus cutting out the junk food) should get you back where you want to be.

Oh, and the out-of-shape dads you see at the playground are out of shape from sitting at their desks all day. The SAH dads I know are lean, muscled-up baby wranglers (once their kids are over 6 months). So if you can start to think like a SAHD, you should regain the body of one.

[KarlR]

I know many people have commented on your site about how they no longer keep hot beverages nearby when reading your blog because they'll sometimes end up spitting on themselves. I'm definitely part of that group too. But I have to say that today is the first time I spit up my coffee just from reading your headline "Hey Dude, do my tits look bigger to you?" I don't know why but I found it fucking hysterical and really did spit up my coffee on my shirt. I'm sending you the dry cleaner's bill. Just kidding!

p.s. I don't have kids but I've always been a fan of the Keith Richards diet.

[BWatson]

I'm trying to stay away from the weight gain. My brother packed on almost 30 pounds, and we're talking about a college level athlete type. If you need a trainer, my guy still lives in NYC and he just had a kid too. Let me know. I didn't want to just advertise on your site for him. He's got me training for my ironman in June, so with my kid due in Aug, hopefully the weight stays off me.

[Cathy]

We blame the dryer over here.

[Genuine]

Santa brought me an extra chin for Christmas! I tried the Keith Richards diet, but the only thing that happen was my liver gained weight.

[Tom N.]

Two words: Lift weights.

Well, yes, muscle does consume more calories than other tissue, and there's lots of info out there indicating that pumping iron can help trim you down. But there's a more important reason.

Your Peanut is quickly going to become the Peanut That Ate Downtown Tokyo. You're going to need to be ready to cart around 20 or 30 lbs. of squirming toddler for extended periods, so you better get prepped now!

[MetroDad]

Thanks for all your helpful comments. I'm going to try and take all your advice. Still don't know when I'm going to find the time to work out but I'm hoping that when the Peanut has a better sleep schedule, I'll be able to sneak out to the gym for an hour every day. And tonight, BossLady and I had a spinach salad for dinner.

Needless to say, I'm fucking starving right now.

[TulseLuper]

Yeah fat boy, here's some advice: quit stealing your kid's breast milk and pouring it on a heaping bowl of apple jacks during a post-dugout, late-night sportscenter session, because pedro is done, beltran is staying in houston, and the giants are winning the world series this year.

[Philip]

One other suggestion: you say you don't know how you're going to find the time to get to the gym, well, simply put, you're not going to find the time. You're going to have to do things inclusive of your bundle of joy. The best thing you can invest in toward that goal is a good jog stroller, those three-wheel jobbies with the spoked wheels and cupholders and so forth. They have brakes and safety wrist-straps for those times that you actually break into a canter behind it, but by and large you use it to push your loved one(s) all over creation. Marvelous exercise, good to have fresh air (little ones can be bundled it up and strapped in for cold days) and you can go everywhere your feet can take you. I go to the store, Starbucks, the pool, and the park with mine. There's a reason you see all those moms pushing their kids all over the place - it's a great way to burn off the pounds, get out of the house, get the kids some fresh air, and clear your mind. Contact your friends who have kids that are now Kindergarten age and up and see if they have one to pass on to you, then try consignment stores (the things last forever and are indestructible), or hit bike stores (January's a great time for bike stores, because they have sales on everything during the cold weather).

[Dom De Vitto]

Weirdly, though my 3rd is now 2, and my weight has not rebounded, I'm putting that down to fat->muscle transfer.

Before the baby did you ever carry a stone in weight (plus carrier) around town for hours? Did you ever stick a stone on your shoulder and carry that around the house at 3am? And did you even actually fall asleep during a meal before?

Trust me: The cure will be much worse than the disease.

Tip two: My LadyBoss, following 2 kids, is now also a cooking obsessive - so order a "Wii Fit" to be safe....

[Sudoku Print Puzzles]

I find it difficult to stick to a diet plan. I've just got Wii Fit so I can do exercises every day. I won't give up !