Delivery!!!

As of today, I've been officially been a father for 14 weeks. On the one hand, it seems like a short lifetime ago that BossLady gave birth. On the other hand, I know that there's a long road ahead of us. But like they say...the journey can be just as enjoyable as the destination.

Anyway, I've learned a lot about fatherhood in a short period of time. I don't presume to be an expert (after only 14 weeks) but there are many things that I wished I'd known earlier. And from your e-mails, it seems that there are a lot of soon-to-be-dads out there who have discovered this blog while looking for some fathering advice. I'll try to share my learnings with you as I go through them so that the guys who are right behind me might be better informed.

That being said, here are some words of advice regarding childbirth that may not be covered in any of the pregnancy books you've been reading:

1. You're not Martin Scorsese or Francis Ford Coppola. Leave the video camera out of the delivery room. Enjoy the amazing beauty of the moment through your own eyes. There's nothing in the universe that compares to seeing your child's head pop out as she takes in that first gasp of air. It's awesomely life-affirming and you really don't want to witness it through a fucking viewfinder. Nothing says GEEK like fiddling around with a digicam while your wife is giving birth.

2. After your wife pushes out the baby, there's going to be some afterbirth pushed out as well. Afterbirth is basically your wife's placenta and the remains of her fetal membranes. In some cases, the afterbirth has been known to hit the floor with a giant SPLAT. Whatever you do, don't look at it and start staring! It looks a little like an alien fetus and will probably freak you out. Really, if you're a little squeamish and if you ever want to go near your wife's vagina again, don't look at it.

3. In case you don't know this, there's a good chance that your wife is going to shit all over the delivery table while she's pushing out the baby. It's natural and it happens to virtually all women. If you had to push a basketball out your ass, there's a good chance you'd shit too. Anyway, I know there's a good chance that nobody mentioned this to you. I'm telling you now. Don't act surprised when it happens. Be cool. (Let the record state that my wife, the BossLady, did NOT crap during delivery. Although we had discussed the possibility that it might happen prior to her delivery, I can wholeheartedly attest that she did NOT poop while pushing. Happy, honey?)

4. They have a very cool machine in the delivery room that can track your wife's contractions from beginning to end. The machine looks like a futuristic gadget straight out of the Sharper Image catalog. You'll find yourself fascinated by it. Resist the urge to stare at it and yell, "Woo hoo, honey. Here comes a big one!". Trust me. She knows.

5. Tipping at the hospital...good idea or tacky maneuver? If you're Asian, your wife's nurse is Asian and you're actually giving birth in Asia, then it MIGHT be ok to slip the nurse a fifty. Otherwise, I'd recommend not greasing the hospital staff. However, if you want to ensure that your wife gets top-notch treatment in the maternity ward, follow my lead. For the day staff, I gave the nurses some of the flowers that my wife received so that they could take them home. For the night shift, I would empty out the vending machines and bring them back huge piles of Oreos and cartons of milk. A little thoughtfulness went a long way towards making sure my wife was treated better than anyone else in the maternity ward.

6. If your conception of what a newborn baby looks like comes from Hollywood, you might be in for a big shock. Trust me. Most babies do not come out clean and pink. The Peanut had to be suctioned out with a vacuum so, for a solid 24 hours, she looked like a conehead. She also had jaundice so, between that and her conehead, she looked like a little banana. In a few cases, some babies are born completely covered in a very gross-looking, white pasty substance called vernix. Don't worry. It comes off after a wash. Everything that you think is weird is most likely very normal. The only time to be even slightly concerned is if the doctor delivers the child and screams, "For the love of Christ! What is that?" (Otherwise, you're ok.)

7. After your child is born, don't forget about your wife. Easy advice, eh? You'd be surprised at how many fathers I saw in the maternity ward who were spending all their time in the nursery while their wives were lying uncomfortably in bed. Don't be one of those guys. Make sure your wife gets everything and anything she needs. You'll have plenty of time to enjoy your child together later. But the last thing you want to do is make your wife feel like she's just a child-carrying vessel.

8. During the whole pre and post-labor phase, don't be a wussy. I don't care if you haven't slept in 3 days, you haven't eaten in 2 days or you haven't had time to take a crap for a day. Your head hurts? Your eyes are swollen? Your back is acting up? Tough shit, bro. This time's not about you. I only tell you this because you shouldn't expect to get any attention or sympathy. Don't ask for it. I can't tell you how annoying it is to hear fathers discuss how difficult labor was for them! Are you fucking kidding me?

For those of you about to go through the experience of childbirth, I hope this helps. If not, send me an e-mail and I'll give you your money back. And if there are any other parents out there (moms included) who would like to give some dads-to-be advice, feel free to leave a comment. Based on the e-mails I've been getting, I think these future Dads would appreciate it.

Comments

[Amy]

After you get home from the hospital, the gross and embarassing stuff doesn't really end. I couldn't shit for a week after our daughter was born. My husband had to go to the drug store to stock up on Enemas and laxatives, and hemmoroid pads. Poor guy. However, nothing in the world will ever melt my heart like my husband's first words about our little girl. 15 min. after she was born he looks at me while holding her and says "Ame, I love her already. She's perfect. I just love her." Being a parent is the best..

[Yvonne]

Great advice. I really can't think of anything else to add other than to tell visitors to wait until your wife if home before stopping by. The last thing she wants is to be social in the hospital after giving birth and looking like crap. This time is for bonding mother, father and child.

[Jocelyn]

It sounds silly but don't forget to eat. It will help mom get through delivery and it will help dad be there for mom. There's so much excitement and craziness going on that it's very easy to feel weak and then realize that you haven't eaten in 48 hours!

[Bruce M.]

You must be psychic, man! My wife is due in 6 days and I was just talking to my buddies about whether it was appropriate to tip the nurses. Our consensus was that the nurses would probably appreciate it but it wasn't worth the risk that you might offend someone. The flowers, cookies and milk idea is great though. Thanks.

[Greg Hammond]

Excellent, funny, true post.

[UncleHornHead]

Sound advice on all accounts.

The journey IS the fun. My son is 20 months old today and my wife an I were already lamenting last night that we miss him curling up on our tummy or chest and napping. Cherish each moment, they'll be gone soon.

#5 is a good idea any time someone you know is in the hospital. I usually bring a box of chocolates or several boxes of GS cookies if they're in season. Good to grease the staff. Also good to let them know you appreciate your efforts.

Embrace meconium!

[maiji]

very funny.... and true!

[Abby]

I'm a nurse. Don't tip. However food (especially candies and cookies) WILL be appreciated (and hoovered up faster than you can blink, trust me). Also, if you get candy, milk is usually more popular than dark. Flowers and letters to the administration about how wonderful we are are also good ideas!

[Cynical Mom]

As the mother of an 18 year old, I'm going to disagree with you on two points:

#1: Set up the video camera in a corner of the room aimed at the mom's bed. It doesn't have to be zoomed in on the crotch, just wide enough so that you can see some semblance of what's going on and can hear it. You don't need to be behind the video camera yourself, just start the tape rolling when it's clear that something's going to happen sometime soon, for first-time moms it's rare that you don't have enough notice to turn it on in time to catch the baby coming out.

This baby will only be born once, and chances are that mom will be so zoned out from the tiny bits of physical and mental stress from giving birth that she won't remember too much. The video will bring her back. You can always destroy the video later if you really want.

#2: Don't eat. Your wife won't be able to eat due to the nazi nurses, and if she sees you eat (or sees you leave her in order to eat), she will go crazy with jealousy and rage and will hold it against you forever. At least, that's what I heard. From someone who heard it from someone else.

The exception to #2 is if your wife is sleeping, you can nip out and grab a little snack, and a sip of whiskey while you're at it.

[Beth]

I agree with the cookies, candy and milk idea. When I worked in hospitals back east, we lived for junk food (especially pizza).

[Christina]

Excellent advice. I do agree with the mother of the 18 year old about capturing those memories on a video camera posted on a tripod somewhere in the room. I have a 10 year old, and I had to have an emergency Caesarean; she is my only child so far. I don't remember much about the birth of my daughter, and everything during labor is a blur now. Mothers cherish those moments and since they are involved in the intensity of the birth, their memories tend to be hazy - record it, and let them figure out whether they'd like to keep the tape.

Other than that, my ex-hubby almost fainted when they cut me open. For you guys who have to sit next to your wives during the emergency c-sections, don't turn green. We need you even more when we are scared when the baby has the cord wrapped around his or her neck.

Oh, and c-section babies sneeze a lot after birth...;o)

[Carrie]

I had a c-section, didn't videotape and don't wish I had. My husband took a couple of pictures, and that's plenty for me.

Eat, just not in front of your wife. Don't leave her alone for more than five minutes unless she tells you to get the hell out. If you are going to leave when she sleeps, tell her before she goes to sleep or leave a note when you'll be back so she doesn't wake up wondering where you are. Seriously. This isn't the time to assert your independence.

Sometimes babies come out not breathing well and need oxygen, especially c-section babies. Don't panic--it is probably not serious, and the baby will usually come around within a few minutes, even if they take it out of the room.

Apgar scores don't really mean much. They do to the doctors, but a low first score doesn't necessarily mean there is anything wrong, and a high score doesn't mean your kid will be a pro athlete.

For the moms, please remember that is scary for the dad too. While you are in recovery high on the good drugs, he is reliving watching you cut open, watching them help the baby breathe, and all the other icky stuff--you may not be able to see it yourself. We knew there would be complications with our daughter's birth, and he was literally physically ill from fear beforehand, afraid he would lose both of us. Even if you have a healthy, natural birth, watching someone you love go through such pain is tough, even if it isn't as tough as being the one going through it.

[Kristie]

DON'T STEAL THE WIFE'S CLICKER!!!! I swear to you that when I was in labor with my oldest my ex-husband took the clicker to the TV, sat his fat ass in the recliner...and channel surfed! The person in labor gets to be the one in charge of the TV and if she wants to leave it on Lifetime until the birth is over DEAL. WITH. IT.

Oh, and if the person in labor says she's going to throw up? Don't believe the nurse when she says "oh, she just feels like she wants to throw up but she won't" because that is a lie. She totally will. ::ahem::

Oh and ^5 to the BossLady for not pooping on the table. I made it through two births without pooping. And the only reason I know is because someone (husband the first time and sister the second) commented on it both times.

[HumanPacifier]

Great list! I'm loving number 8, and nodding and laughing in agreement.

One addition - Dads, sneak in extra (nutritious) favorite foods for Mama, especially if your family is planning on breastfeeding. Trust me, they NEVER give you enough food at the hospital, it's never often enough, and at times there is a tendency to mix up the food choices Mom has made.

[Queen of Ass]

I had a c-section, and my advice is from that point of view -

After this? LET HER SLEEP. And keep clicking the morphene button periodically during her naps. BELIEVE ME, she will thank you for this!

[hrcjr]

While waiting for delivery or the drugs that induce start to work,IF your wife says you can control the remote DO NOT watch SportsCenter - even if she likes it - watch the View, Oprah, Ellen - something that will give her the idea that "Today is a Women's Day". I could write a book about what not to do in the labor or delivery room. If she is complaining about being thirsty and is not allowed to drink, don't say "Me too" and go get your self a drink. Sneak it.

[Cathy]

Don't nap while Mom's in labor. Don't e-mail pictures to the world just after delivery without making sure Mom won't kill you for some of them.

[BossLady]

I COMPLETELY agree with the above post made by Cathy. DO NOT email pictures to the entire world without checking with Mom first. That means you, MetroDad! *Ahem*

For the record, MD was great during labor and delivery. He was totally there for me. One tip I think he should have included was that Dad should act as Mom's advocate. Mom's laid up in bed and in pain. Dad should be the one calling the nurses and doctors to make sure that Mom's needs are taken care of. MD was an excellent advocate. Peanut's a lucky little girl and I'm one lucky wife.

[Terri]

Number 7 & 8... Amen, brother, amen.

[METRODAD]

Great advice, everyone! Personally, I'd forgotten a few things that some of you mentioned...like switching the TV over to ESPN every time I thought my wife was asleep or sending out photos without her permission.

I've received a bunch of e-mails from future dads saying how much they appreciate your advice (for some reason, men don't like to leave comments. They like to e-mail instead). But let's keep the advice coming. We'll have to continue this conversation for other parenting aspects too.

[Cynical Mom]

Er... 18 MONTH old that is. For a minute there, I thought I was going to have to start shelling out for college.

[neeti]

i want the milk to come out of mu breast before the child comes out

[neeti]

i want the milk to come out of mu breast before the child comes out

[Dr Elysee on hemmoroid]

The term hemmaroids design enlarged or dilated veins in the area of the anus: What is a hemmoroid?

[Hayley]

Well Good Luck! I don't think you'll land the lovely lady, every woman in Atlanta seems to be lkooing for a GOOD MAN..LOLLet me say this, I don't have a problem stroking a man's ego, but I tend to attract NEEDY men and women, It's gotten so bad that I changed my phone number and the only one who has it is my dad. I majored in Psychology in college but I know that it isn't the field for me! Most people are too lazy to fix simple problems & I don't have the patience anymore. is that bad?