What's a gift horse? and why would I look him in the mouth?

MEMO TO MY CHILDLESS FRIENDS:

I know that you all mean well. And I'm touched that you care so much about my newborn daughter that you've made the effort to go and buy her a gift. It truly means a lot to us. But I want to take the time to share some honest gift-giving advice that most parents won't tell you because they're too polite. But not me. Here at MetroDad, our unofficial motto is "honesty so truthful, it hurts." So here's the real scoop...

First, we really don't need another baby blanket. Our apartment is awash in a sea of pink baby blankets. At last count, we'd received over 24 of them! We're thinking of stitching them all together into something so big that it would make the AIDS quilt look like a fucking snot rag. We've got so many of them now, I'm praying that all my pregnant friends start having girls so I can re-gift every single one of them (except YOURS of course. YOURS was great!).

Second, always consider the parents when buying clothes for the baby. Living in Manhattan, BossLady and I usually dress in some form of urban black (usually dark jeans and a black shirt.) So what makes you think that we would dress our daughter like an extra from Petticoat Junction? If I walk outside wearing my usual duds and requisite Oakley sunglasses while carrying an Amish-looking baby in a pink frilly lace-covered smock, I'm not going to last 5 minutes before the cops stop me for questioning and issue an Amber Alert!

And lastly, enough with the baby socks! Why would anyone give a baby a pair of socks as a present? How would you feel if someone gave YOU socks? You'd be pretty fucking pissed, right? And yes, I know that these socks will keep the Peanut's feet warm as her circulatory system develops. But I want to know who's the seeing-impaired individual responsible for all these "whimsical" designs and "interesting" colors? I'd rather bind the Peanut's feet in scotch tape than have her wear these fugly socks. Seriously! I put some of the socks on the dog...and the cat started making fun of him.

So what gifts should you consider for a newborn? Here are some suggestions...

1. Vodka, champagne or scotch. Obviously, these are not for the baby. But they'll be greatly appreciated when I've finished rocking the baby to sleep at 4:00 am. And if you bring these gifts, I guarantee that I'll tell my daughter how cool and good-looking you are! And really, isn't that the most important thing?

2. Cash. I know this gift could be considered a little tacky or tasteless. But it's a very Asian thing to give (apparently Confucious never had time to shop). And who am I to deny my heritage? Besides, they don't call it "the gift that keeps on giving" for no reason. And to quote Yogi Berra, the great thing about cash is that "it's just as good as money."

3. Baby books. In all seriousness, these are great gifts. We've received a few from friends and we always write their names in them so that the Peanut will know who gave them to her. She'll treasure these for years. It's especially touching when people give the books that meant the most to them when they were a child. Any time I read the Peanut a book, I tell her who gave it to her and mention a little something about the person.

4. Utilitarian gifts. These are usually the greatest gifts. And they're usually given either by great moms who know better or friends who are more creative. For example, our friend A brought us a giant L.L. Bean bag with the Peanut's name embroidered on it. She then stuffed the bag with all the baby essentials (extra pacifiers, baby cremes, etc) that mommies need. How great is that! Our friend J (the Godfather) gave us a Sharper Image Ionic Air Purifier for the baby room and a gift set of Baby Einstein DVDs. He wrote the Peanut a card saying he wanted her to breathe fresh air and to learn to read as well as mommy and daddy. Awwww!

I know I'm not the only parent out there who thinks like this regarding presents for his newborn, am I? And though I don't want to appear ungrateful (which seems unlikely now), I hate to see people spending their hard-earned money on superfluous gifts. Besides, in gift-giving as in life, I've always been a firm believer that a little imagination goes a long way. The best gifts are always the ones that show the most forethought and creativity. Am I wrong?

Anyway, Internet. What's the WORST gift that you've ever received for your baby? An inquiring mind wants to know! (Winner gets a pink baby blanket)

Comments

[Lisa]

you sure got that right, metrodad! too funny! The worst present that our son received when he was born was a pink dress! hee hee. One of our friends mistakenly thought we had a girl! Funny thing is that we still have the dress because it couldn't be returned!

[cooper]

And the cutsie picture frames, oh the picture frames!

The worst gift we ever got was a god awful pewter type platter with the name "William" engraved on it. One, our daughter is not named William, and two, a platter? (And, nope, it wasn't an antique or anything close, it was brand new from one of those mall engraving places.)

[Jen]

My daughter is two and we still don't know what to do with all of our "pink" things we received (blankets, dresses, socks, bibs, etc). My usual dress is a pair of jeans and a black shirt, and I don't know why my little girl needs to wear anything other than that as well.
It is practically impossible to find black shirts for infants and toddlers. I finally found a few black shirts for little girl this winter, and she will wear them until they fall apart. She looks so much cooler than the other kids at the playground.
The worst gift - a set of little pink bows, ribbons, and hair bands. They are atrocious at best. I cannot imagine ringing my kids head with a stupid stretchy hairband with a ridiculous pink bow on the middle of it. Seriously, if your little girl doesn't look like a little girl, paint her fingernails or something. Why do people dress their children like retarded baby dolls?

[L.A. Daddy]

Dude...you are effing hysterical. That line about the cat making fun of the dog made me spit up my coffee.

p.s. the worst gift me and the missus got was a 1/2 empty box of diapers that had been rewrapped with newspaper wrapping paper. why only half a box? did another baby get the other half? what the 'ell were they thinking?

[Terri]

You are so right on about the clothes. I can't tell you how many pink frilly dresses Isabel has that I never took the tags off of. Hell, my favorite shoes of hers are black All-Star wannabes. So, pink frilly dresses? Um, no.

As for the worst gift, a singing Elmo doll. You'll understand in about a year. That damn thing drives me crazy and I think the gifter was trying to do just that.

The most useless gift was a pink baseball cap, size 0-3 month... because it's easy to keep a cap on a 1-month old.

[anne]

singing elmo doll: terri wins. and we had a "sleep and snore ernie" that said "it feels good to LAY down!" i expected better from sesame street; i winced every time that thing got activated. all things that make noise are by default the worst and will continue to be the worst. clothes eventually get outgrown, ugly socks make funny finger puppets, and pink blankets come in handy during the delicate "potty training and trying to stay dry through the night" stage, but annoying noisemakers serve no alternate purpose and outlast any patience you may have had.

the worst gift we got was the electrical baby wipe warmer, on the wrong electrical current. first of all, it's just not THAT awful to have a room temperature baby wipe, and second, am i really going to buy a converter so that i can use the electricity used to keep baby wipes warm?

[JenL]

I'm in my 32nd week, expecting my fourth child, a little girl. Our baby shower is next month sometime.

I made several registries because I had gotten rid of everything baby. I need everything, right? Well NO. I need very very little and have room for even less in the TinyHouse. I think I have something like 4 things on the lists, now that crib and carseat have been supplied.

I bet I end up buying those four things myself because I'll have 24 pink blankets and not one diaper. (Oh, brainstorm! Make the 24 pink blankets into what? 6-7 dozen cloth diapers? How very green of me, and what a statement!)

ABSOLUTE worst gifts EVER: anything that has those creepy Precious Memories kids on them. My former MIL was obsessed with that stuff. Ewww!

[Kristie]

Haaaaaaaaahahahahahahaha!

The worst gifts I got for my girls were things that their grandmother (not my mom...) picked up at yard sales. YARD. SALES. Can you believe that crap? I mean, I know they're country folks, and I don't have a problem with country folks at all...but my firstborn was NOT going to be wearing yard sale clothes.

That stuff went straight into a box and I shipped it to my brother in law three years later when I found out his wife was pregnant.

Yeah, I'm divored now. :0)

[Michelle]

Precious Moments wins! (my cousin is sending her collection to my daughter -- why, why does she hate us??)

I think the most useless gift we received was the ceramic tooth fairy box to put her teeth in after they fall out, which came with a pink piggy bank (with a tutu). There are so many things wrong with these gifts that I forgo the explanation.

Also, the freaking stuffed animals!!! Are these people kidding me with all this dust collecting asthma machines. I realize they can be cute, but they serve no purpose. My daughter is one and cares very little for any of them.

[kara]

Any item with "baby's first..." on it. We've got baby's first Halloween, baby's first Thanksgiving, baby's first Christmas crap coming out of our asses. The Christmas stuff is an especially nice touch, considering that nobody in this house is a Christian and Christmas is just another Saturday to us.
As a side note--what the hell is with those Precious Moments dolls? They're what would happen if people and basset hounds could produce offspring. Terrifying.

[Marsha]

The humongous horrible awful stoller that won't go up the subway stairs without three handlers, from his relatives in New Jersey. Diapers, in small and medium and large are always winners, as well as onsies from birth to 6 months would have been appreciated. They grow out of everything so fast! 200 just born clothes and nothing for over 5 months sucked.

[greg from daddytypes]

I'm going to use " their grandmother (not my mom...) " now instead of MIL.

We found it was our acquaintances, not our close friends, who gave us the frilliest, fugliest stuff. Then you'd walk by the Gymboree and see it in the window and be like, a-ha. Maybe they meant it as an exchangeable gift certificate.

The best gifts--or the most useful, anyway--turned out to be from Costco. A giant case of diapers we thought we'd NEVER get through, what the hell are they thinking? {Yeah, it was gone in like two weeks). And a twinpack of supersized J&J babywash, which we're still working on, 9 mos. later. [Of course, the soap may not last as long once we up the kid's baths to once a week.]

[Erika]

When I found out I was having a boy I lamented that "now everything I get will be blue with trucks on it." Then I considered what would happen if I had a girl and I got down on my knees in gratitude. The pink ruffles would have driven me crazy.

I agree about the blankets. I have a few handmade that I use and will treasure but the other 96 are still in the drawer. And the useless clothes, OMG who makes this stuff. Once I had a clue what I was doing I took everything with out snaps from head to toe and put it in the Goodwill bag.

The absolute worst gift was a Snoopy lamp and wall hanging (our nursery theme was Picasso, seriously). We took them back to BRU and turned them into a portable swing (still in use).

And I loved the line about the soap. We, too, are still working on gift baby wash. I still have one giant one to go. I love it.

[Ann D]

What a hilarious post. I think there should be a movement to ban stuffed animals as gifts for newborns. Perhaps someone could design one of those international "red-circle-with-a-line-through-it" symbols to indicate that a particular baby's room has been declared a stuffed animal free zone. (Well, maybe you could let a few stuffed animals through the door, but you don't need 30, right?)

[Liz]

The worst gift I got was a Frederick's of Hollywood (trashy lingerie store) gift certificate from an old boyfriend. Ahem. Not only was I gigantic and pregnant and pretty much just one big stretch mark, but DH was not amused...

Liz

[heather]

Ha! I had to laugh and cringe at the same time while reading this post. I could totally relate to the poorly thought out baby gifts. At least you have a killer sense of humor and good taste!

[godfather j]

Metrodad you and bosslady f-ing rock!!! i practically fall off my chair laughing every time i read your ranting drivel....you really should write a book or something......keep it coming...

[tracy]

I'm late to the party, but I have to say that being an as-far-from-Manhattan-as-you-can-get mom (in all senses of the word), even I was dismayed at the array of frilly lacy dresses. I like pink. My daughter looks good in it. But why anyone would want to cram a baby into yards of stiff, scratchy lace is beyond me. And even those of us who appreciate pink appreciate other colors as well. One of the happiest days of my life was when I found a cute little black Zutano knit dress in a 9-12 mo size. She wore it on her first Valentines Day and looked fabulous.

[Amitio WebDesign]

Good job, thanks

[La Garrett]

So, I started at the beginning and I am reading to catch up to present day. I laughed so hard I cried today. I am glad I still 7+ years of this blog to read.