After checking my stat counter, the comments section and my e-mails, it's become abundantly clear that my readership is made up ALMOST ENTIRELY OF WOMEN! Either that, or it's true that men don't surf the internet for anything but porn. Or perhaps they just don't read. Anyway, it's surprising because I originally started this blog in the hopes of reaching out and sharing parenting experiences with new fathers.
But you know what, Ladies? It's their loss. Many of you have been writing me and saying that you enjoy hearing things from a "guy's perspective." Or that you imagine I'm only saying the things that your husbands are afraid to admit. Well, ladies. If that's the case, then today's your lucky day. Because due to the fact that virtually NO men seem to be reading my site, I'm going to come clean and tell you what we're all really thinking. Some might say I'm pandering to my audience. And you know what? They're fucking right! And while the fathers out there have been relatively silent, you ladies have been with me since I started this blog so you deserve to know the truth. So in no particular order, here are what your husbands (or significant others) are secretly thinking...
1. We're having a really fun time living with a breast-feeding woman who has enormous tits. It makes us feel like we're in our own little porn movie. But really? It'd be even funner if we were allowed to touch them.
2. Yes, we're both tired and exhausted from the lack of sleep. And yes, we're way too tired to even contemplate making love. But those jokes about a little oral sex? They're not really jokes. They're more like trial balloons.
3. The reason that I'm being so cheerfully helpful this weekend (cleaning the house, changing the diapers, waking up at 4:00 am to feed the baby, cooking meals for the family, and raking the lawn) is because sometime, over the next few days, I'm going to ask you whether it's alright for me to go out drinking with the guys on Friday. Your memory of me being so helpful is still going to be fresh in your mind so I figure I'll have my best chances of success at this time. It's an old Jedi mind trick.
4. Neither one of us has had a baby before. We've both taken the same classes and read the same books. So how come you're the bigger expert at parenting? Stop gatekeeping and pointing out my mistakes. As long as poop doesn't come flying out the diaper, the diaper's working. As long as the baby stays warm, it doesn't matter that her socks don't match. The only reason I'm biting my tongue and not saying anything is because I REALLY want to go out drinking with the guys next Friday.
5. When you're not around, we teach the baby funny phrases. When she burps, we teach her to say, "mm mmm. them's some good eats!" When she farts, we teach her to say "hey! who stepped on the duck?" And when she poops, we teach her to say "I just dropped the kids off at the pool. How 'bout some more grub?" We do this mainly for our own entertainment and also because we think the baby's too young to really pick up on these phrases. Of course, we could be wrong. In that case, we'll just say she learned it from watching TV.
6. When you're not at home, we're also not quite as thorough when it comes to baby care and cleaning. Sure...when you're watching us, we clean every nook and cranny, lather the baby in Balmex, Vaseline and baby powder, and we fasten the diaper securely. But when you're not around? We rip off the dirty diaper, wipe her down quickly, spit on each cheek, slap her ass, and put a new diaper on faster than you can say, "Welcome back to tonight's game of the week, folks!"
7. That gigantic shit-eating grin you see on our faces when you walk in the door? It's because we managed to change the baby's diaper during the commercial break and didn't miss a single second of the game. It was a new personal record and we're beaming with pride! We can't wait to tell our friends! Yeah, baby!
8. When we're outside with the baby and we're babbling nonsense or singing corny songs loudly to the child, it's not because we're trying to embarass you in public. It's because we're absolutely in love with our child and this is our secret way of letting the world know it. By making fools out of ourselves in public, we're broadcasting the fact that we'll do anything to please our baby regardless of how uncool or ridiculous we may look...but we also enjoy any opportunity to embarass you in public.
9. Your hormones have been kicking into overdrive since the first trimester. We thought they'd mellow out after the baby was born but apparently we were completely mistaken. Having done some research on the internet, we've learned that the emotional rollercoaster ride is going to slow down eventually. But for now? You've really got to stop crying everytime you see that AT&T commercial. After all, it's like the 20th time you've seen it already! Get a grip, woman! And can we please stop bawling every time you see a missing child on the side of a milk carton? You're really making it impossible to enjoy a bowl of cereal anymore!
10. Back to the sex thing again. We know you're exhausted. We know your breasts are killing you. We feel for you. Really, we do. But just to let you know. Whenever you get in the mood again? We're ready.
Ladies...feel free to comment.
Gentlemen...let me at least know you're out there. (If not, I might as well make this into a weekly column)