Hellooooo, Ladies!

After checking my stat counter, the comments section and my e-mails, it's become abundantly clear that my readership is made up ALMOST ENTIRELY OF WOMEN! Either that, or it's true that men don't surf the internet for anything but porn. Or perhaps they just don't read. Anyway, it's surprising because I originally started this blog in the hopes of reaching out and sharing parenting experiences with new fathers.

But you know what, Ladies? It's their loss. Many of you have been writing me and saying that you enjoy hearing things from a "guy's perspective." Or that you imagine I'm only saying the things that your husbands are afraid to admit. Well, ladies. If that's the case, then today's your lucky day. Because due to the fact that virtually NO men seem to be reading my site, I'm going to come clean and tell you what we're all really thinking. Some might say I'm pandering to my audience. And you know what? They're fucking right! And while the fathers out there have been relatively silent, you ladies have been with me since I started this blog so you deserve to know the truth. So in no particular order, here are what your husbands (or significant others) are secretly thinking...

1. We're having a really fun time living with a breast-feeding woman who has enormous tits. It makes us feel like we're in our own little porn movie. But really? It'd be even funner if we were allowed to touch them.

2. Yes, we're both tired and exhausted from the lack of sleep. And yes, we're way too tired to even contemplate making love. But those jokes about a little oral sex? They're not really jokes. They're more like trial balloons.

3. The reason that I'm being so cheerfully helpful this weekend (cleaning the house, changing the diapers, waking up at 4:00 am to feed the baby, cooking meals for the family, and raking the lawn) is because sometime, over the next few days, I'm going to ask you whether it's alright for me to go out drinking with the guys on Friday. Your memory of me being so helpful is still going to be fresh in your mind so I figure I'll have my best chances of success at this time. It's an old Jedi mind trick.

4. Neither one of us has had a baby before. We've both taken the same classes and read the same books. So how come you're the bigger expert at parenting? Stop gatekeeping and pointing out my mistakes. As long as poop doesn't come flying out the diaper, the diaper's working. As long as the baby stays warm, it doesn't matter that her socks don't match. The only reason I'm biting my tongue and not saying anything is because I REALLY want to go out drinking with the guys next Friday.

5. When you're not around, we teach the baby funny phrases. When she burps, we teach her to say, "mm mmm. them's some good eats!" When she farts, we teach her to say "hey! who stepped on the duck?" And when she poops, we teach her to say "I just dropped the kids off at the pool. How 'bout some more grub?" We do this mainly for our own entertainment and also because we think the baby's too young to really pick up on these phrases. Of course, we could be wrong. In that case, we'll just say she learned it from watching TV.

6. When you're not at home, we're also not quite as thorough when it comes to baby care and cleaning. Sure...when you're watching us, we clean every nook and cranny, lather the baby in Balmex, Vaseline and baby powder, and we fasten the diaper securely. But when you're not around? We rip off the dirty diaper, wipe her down quickly, spit on each cheek, slap her ass, and put a new diaper on faster than you can say, "Welcome back to tonight's game of the week, folks!"

7. That gigantic shit-eating grin you see on our faces when you walk in the door? It's because we managed to change the baby's diaper during the commercial break and didn't miss a single second of the game. It was a new personal record and we're beaming with pride! We can't wait to tell our friends! Yeah, baby!

8. When we're outside with the baby and we're babbling nonsense or singing corny songs loudly to the child, it's not because we're trying to embarass you in public. It's because we're absolutely in love with our child and this is our secret way of letting the world know it. By making fools out of ourselves in public, we're broadcasting the fact that we'll do anything to please our baby regardless of how uncool or ridiculous we may look...but we also enjoy any opportunity to embarass you in public.

9. Your hormones have been kicking into overdrive since the first trimester. We thought they'd mellow out after the baby was born but apparently we were completely mistaken. Having done some research on the internet, we've learned that the emotional rollercoaster ride is going to slow down eventually. But for now? You've really got to stop crying everytime you see that AT&T commercial. After all, it's like the 20th time you've seen it already! Get a grip, woman! And can we please stop bawling every time you see a missing child on the side of a milk carton? You're really making it impossible to enjoy a bowl of cereal anymore!

10. Back to the sex thing again. We know you're exhausted. We know your breasts are killing you. We feel for you. Really, we do. But just to let you know. Whenever you get in the mood again? We're ready.

Ladies...feel free to comment.
Gentlemen...let me at least know you're out there. (If not, I might as well make this into a weekly column)

Comments

[Kin]

Been there...done that. Quite a few times. Keep dropping hints, they eventually get through.

[DollyMama]

As a mother of 6 kids, I am certain that what you just said is SO TRUE!
Funny, funny, funny.....

[Little Red Hen]

It's been a while since my kids were babies, but a lot of that other stuff still holds true...hubby still wants more sex and if he's being extra helpful he wants something...probably more sex.

[cooper]

Ok Metro, I am adding you to my husband's "favorite" links. You two have a lot in common. His name is Rick, say hi when he visits.

[Dave K.]

Hey, now. For the record, we dads read too. (just slower is all) Apparently we're the "quiet and loyal" types... ...just like our wives trained us to be. :)

[don]

It's just that women are more of "hang around and chat" type, and men are more of the "shut up and get stuff done" type. So men don't comment as much unless they're engaged in shameless blog-whoring.

[teh mama lara]

oh how i wish my pornstar boobies were as appealing to my man as your wife's seem to be to you.

oh how i wish i could convince MY man that when i offer oral sex - i am NOT joking - take me up on it, dude, what're you thinking? i could go on - but i will spare you...

thanks for your blog - i enjoy your writing and love to read about your adventures with your beautiful daughter!

[LOD]

You rake your lawn? Geez, are you whipped.

[Jenny]

So, that's what hubby wants when is being "extra" helpful...silly me, I thought he just wanted to see me in a coupla different positions. Well, next time I will just hand him the car keys instead of bending over. ;)

[Suzanne]

I've learned that there pretty much isn't a time when men don't want sex. Through pregnancy,sore boobs, birth, sickness, even come flu season,...they're always ready.
Thanks for the glimpse inside the male mind. I love your blog.

[Emlyn]

I am a man. I not only read you, I've linked to you. I am expecting my first child in about two weeks, and people like you give me hope that I will not completely lose my shit within the first six months. That you're still blogging is also very encouraging. That you have time to watch football is amazing. That you're not having a lot of sex confirms all my worst fears. If we have a boy, I will name him Metro.

[Terri]

I'll send my husband your way. He only washes my truck when he wants to go out; you could teach him a thing or two!

[godfather j]

oh...you are such a f--ing panderer!!! But you are so entertaining that i'll still read your rant...but i may have to encourage bosslady to start blogging to balance this sort of behaviour out..... :)

[MetroDad]

Dave...Never admit that our wives have us trained like lab rats. It's ok to admit it to yourself. But like Fight Club, the first rule of being whipped is that you don't talk about being whipped.

LOD...I live in Manhattan. I don't have a lawn. I don't even have any plants. I had a cactus once but it died.

Jenny...hand him the car keys, give him $20 for drinks, and tell him to come home whenever he feels like it. You'll be bending HIM over.

Suzanne...you know men who wanted to have sex during birth? Again, I repeat...during birth? Wow!

Emlyn....Hahahahaha!!! Who says I haven't lost my shit? Good luck with the birth. And let me be the first parent to say "Congratulations", "Good Luck", and "May the Force be with you!"

[Jenny]

lol! Hmmm..bend him over..that sounds kinda fun! ;)

[Mark]

Hey I am a guy and I read this. It is very senstive, touching and well written. I would say Phillip Roth like. Having a baby neccessitates a blog. Its a 21st. century chick magnet. Since you are not be allowed out enjoy the attention dad.

LOL

[Caius]

New dad of a 7 week old here. I check your blog almost daily and get excited when I see that there's a new post. Love your dark humor. But like other guys have said, I think us men are more the strong silent types. Anyway, we're here so don't discount us!

[MetroDad]

Well...the Dads have spoken!!! And along here, I thought I was just being read by stay-at-home-moms. I'm glad to see some fellow members of the fraternity of man. Now that I know you're out there, I won't reveal any more of our secrets (like where we stash the porn or hide the cigarettes).

Mark..I'm flattered by the Phillip Roth comparison. Though I've always been more of a Mailer guy, I'm just glad you didn't compare me to Saul Bellow! And although I'm of Korean descent, growing up in Manhattan makes neurotically satirical Jews out of all of us. Call me Zuckerman!

Caius...First, let me say that you have the coolest name I've ever heard. And since you have a 7 week old child, you and I are both pretty much on the same page here. In a bit of schadenfreude, I just hope you're as fucking tired as I am! (You are tired, aren't you?)

[Caius]

Thanks. I love my name now too. Hated it as a kid though. Got the crap beat out of me a couple of times until I mushroomed to over 6" one summer :)

Tired? Ha! That's an understatement. I love all my childless coworkers who complain about being tired 'cause they only slept for 5 hours last night since they were out partying. They have no freakin clue what tired is. Hey, I always thought that sleep deprivation would make me see pink elephants and stuff. Haven't seen any yet. You?

[Puffin]

Hey, Hang on a second! I'm a dad of two girls! I love this blog of yours. I read it all the time. Been away for a few weeks but I'm be reading regularly again now.

I must admit I admire your courage to post honestly. I have spoken it, but never got the nerve to post it. But men are easy. A simple idea for women to follow...Feed us or F&*# us. You'll get anything you want. And the later is a much higher value.

Anyway..Blog on Dude!

[djuggler]

I was surfing p0rn and ended up here. Like, where's the pics?

(It's funny how sex motivates!)

[Philip]

Funny post. As a full-time dad of three, let me just add that if you ever want to have a sex life again, stop at one child. There's an outside remote chance that you will resume normal sexual activity with your beloved at some point in the future as the first born gets bigger, you two stop worrying about every second of every day, and sleep becomes a regular part of your life again. However, the second child puts you right back into the same whirlwind, only worse, and God help you if you ever have number three. Each child makes it exponentialy harder (and thus the likelihood of sex ever more remote). I've been changing diapers every day for five and a half years, and I'm still changing them on two kids. Sex is a distant memory... sorta like the Royals winning the World Series with George Brett and Hal MacRae...

[Big Mark]

Good job, thanks