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November 29, 2004

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» Because There's No 'M' in Minivan from Daddy Types
Metrodad is driven [sic] to typing in all caps by the idea of men driving a minivan. "MINIVANS ARE FOR SOCCER MOMS!!" he says, but that's just the tip of the iceberg. You have to read the whole hilarious post. Not that he's wrong or anything, but this ... [Read More]

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L.A. Daddy

As usual, man, you tell it like it is!!! The missus tried to convince me to get a minivan a few years ago. I said there was no way I would ever be able to drive one cause my friends would all laugh at me. So we ended up getting an SUV. I feel guilty about the terrible gas mileage (especially with all the driving I do here in L.A.) but at least I have my huevos intact!

Janis

I have to laugh at this post!

There is a minivan I see in the neighborhood. Dad is always at the wheel.

It's a big white MV with, get this, bright purple flames spanning the hood and flaring out and down the sides.

Yeah it looks cool dad. Just like the Camero or Trans Am would have back in high school had you actually had one.

Keep driving it, keep pretending it's a hot machine that will make the chicks melt.

Those of us who know better will try not to point or laugh too loudly.

Terri

You're just asking for hate mail, huh?

(Pretty damn funny, though!)

weol

Boss lady said yer getting a minivan didn't she? It's alright. When you're in your 50's you can get one of those "I'm really too old to be driving a sports car but I bought one to make up for the fact that I now need viagra to get an erection" kinda cars! Something to look forward to!

Andrea R

Hmmm, my husband insisted we buy a "full size" van. I think he's up to something.

Susan

Funny, funny, funny! DH and I are considering buying a minivan. I'm the one itching to get one but he'd have to drive it quite a bit since we can only afford to own one car. After reading this, I think I'll have to reconsider. Can't have people laughing ay my hubby!

are station wagons cool?

p.s. I LOVE your blog!!!

Jenn

Of course, you do know that we soccer mom women KNOW that you only agree to buy a minivan in hopes that it can be applied anytime in the future for such things as a pick-up truck, a Harley motorcycle, a trip to Vegas, or oral sex when in fact what it will never happen. It is the hope within you that it will that makes this deal work. So in fact, it doesn't make a man a woman to have a minivan. It makes him whipped. ;-)

Love your blog!

Sierra

too fucking funny! i'm in the process of resisting the minivan. they are convenient, but I just can't do it.

honestyrain

i have not a penis, have not a minivan, have not a desire for a minivin. all i want is a dvd player in my SUV so that i can resort to having my children stare at it by way of giving me just the smallest reprieve.

hester

This post is tooooo funny. The "goodwill credits" are called a "Kitchen Pass" at our house and I agree with you about the minivan. When we had our 3rd child and needed to upgrade to a larger vehicle - I absolutely refused to even go to a minivan lot or look at them. Needless to say I got my way and drive a SUV now - I am woman, hear me roar lol

david parmet

Hey!! When the kids are sleeping in the back seat the Mrs and me put on some rockin tunes on the CD player!! So lay off man!

And around here, Westchester Co NY actually, SUVs are for soccer moms. Tiny blonde soccer moms, usually second wives. The first wives drive BMWs.

Kim Voynar

We drive a very cool Big Red Eurovan, and Jay looks very sexy driving it. Well, maybe not to anyone but me, but I'm the one putting out the oral sex, so it's my opinion that matters.

There's nothing sexier than a man who puts his kids and his wife above his desire to look cool. Just offer to change all the dirty diapers and get up with Peanut every time she wakes up in the middle of the night for a week, and see how much sex the Bosslady gives you, big boy.

It's all about the bartering...and about realizing that Bosslady and Peanut utterly control your fate and manhood now...MUAHAHAHAHAHA

JJ Daddy in Savannah

You denial of parental status types make me laugh and laugh.........

Face it- if you have more than two kids, you have entered the minivan zone. Driving a wagon is a delusional fugue state that you will soon want to end after your first 3-hour trip with the kids smacking each other constantly in the (one) back seat.

And driving a SMAV (Soccer Mom Assault Vehicle) fools no one into thinking you are a cool, urban hipster.

Everybody knows you are a 30-something breeder, one without enough sense to not drive a vehicle that sucks up gas faster than the BBQ disappears at a Republican fundraiser and flips over on its back quicker than a sorority girl after 3 shots of everclear.

No matter what you drive, Gen-Y or Z will not think you are anything but the deluded bobos you are. You can read Vibe, put some 20" spinners on your Hummer, attend all the gallery openings and raves you want, to no avail. Their un-parents radar will unerringly detect the presence of a booster seat behind the tinted glass and a box of wipes in the glove compartment. Crank Evanescence on your 12" woofers and they will smile knowingly at each other.

This whole minivan versus (insert whatever you think is a cool vehicle here) debate is a precursor of a far worse phenomenon: your child, after the age of 10, will not want to be seen with you and will always think you are a total square.

No matter what you do, your children will not think you are cool. You can own a Ferrari, hang out with Eminem's posse, and shop at the same stores as the Hilton sisters, they will still roll their eyes at you.

Hell, you could let your child DRIVE your Ferrari and set them up on a blind date with Eminem, and they would still think you are the un-coolest person on earth, a parent.

So embrace the un-hipness. If you wanted to be a cool DUMBO artiste, you should have kept wearing black turtlenecks and smoking clove cigarettes. You should have kept your little swimmers on the beach. If you want to pimp your minivan, go right ahead. Did you know Toyota Racing Development makes a supercharger you can bolt on your Sienna? Fuckin' A. Nothing's more invisible to police radar than a minivan. Let the kids watch Nemo in the back while Rob Zombie cranks in the front. Your little princess will never be late for ballet lessons again.

You know your wife is going to make you get a vasectomy anyway.

BossLady

Thankfully, we live in a city where we don't need a car. We take the subway and bus everywhere. As for me being a soccer mom, I'll be taking Peanut to soccer practice 4 blocks away at the local park. And her ballet lessons (if she wants them) will be somewhere that's accessible by the good old subway.

But if we could buy a car, it wouldn't be an SUV or a minivan. Shit, I'd get on the waitlist now for a Toyota Prius.

As for us being in denial of our parental status: HOGWASH! We're not trying to be cool and keep up with the youth. We were flipping channels today and came across the MTV Music Awards and the ONLY group we recognized were the Beastie Boys. We don't want to be "cool" so that we could be friends with the Peanut. We want to be her parents - GOOD parents.

another lisa

loved that rant about minivans... I sent it to a friend with 3 little ones who has been shopping for one lately!!! (just to tease him)

mothersong

I gotta say, we never wanted a minivan, but now that the only fair thing to do. There's the kids, yeah, but there are also the kid's friends. When you have two, or three, and they want to take their friends to the movies, or the mall (none of ours plays soccer, so I can't claim that one) there's no way to fit them all without a van.

Then there are all the equipment woes, balls, bats, band instruments, beach stuff, fishing poles, hiking gear and those of said friends.

I have a ton more kids than you do, and I don't worry about being cool anymore. Despite the other commenter, my kids do think I'm cool, and my teenagers friends seem to like me, too. Maybe because I have a big enough vehicle that I can load them all in, take them to the dance, and drive them through Dairy Queen on the way. Who knows?

All I can say, man, is never say never.

Qwero webdesign

Good job, thanks

JK

Who the heck are you to say what's ok and not ok for a man to drive? Sounds like you're questioning your own masculinity to me. You drive what you want, and I'll drive what I want. Ok, Macho Man?

looper

I bought a mini-van because it is the right vehicle for hauling a lot of people. I also have a pick-up for hauling lumber and firewood. I think you are missing the point of masculinity. It means self-confidence and being your own man.

northernjerry

Even before I drove a mini van I didn't laugh at guys who did. I laughed at the 50 year-olds driving their sports cars with the tops down when it's 50 degrees. I drive a mini van and have no nsecure feelings. In fact, I'm hot and in better shape than you and your wife wants to do me.

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tallgrrl

Men with minivans are sexy. Try cramming yourself in the back seat of a sporty car and then try stretching out in the back of a minivan (tinted windows a plus) and you tell me how lame it is when I'm calling out your name and steaming up your windows, that's right, all of the windows in the minivan are steamed up... ;-)

chris griffin

I agree, minivans just take you balls away. Now that we have two kids the wife is after me to trading the 10 year old 5-series sedan (V8 and six speed, speaking of balls) for somthing with more room and easier to get the kids and the kid seats in and out of. And of course the MVs are at the top of her list - I made it clear NO WAY, NO HOW am I going to get one - just soul crushing. So either a wagon or a mid-sized SUV. Most of the mid sized SUV's really aren't all that roomy though so we'll probably end up with a Flex. Plenty of room.
As an aside, there's a guy I see at the track who manages to fit his R1 racebike in to a Honda Odessey and that was reason he steering his wife towards that particular MV - and she thought once the truck was gone he was going to have to stop racing? Come on honey, the guy gave up a truck for anMV, he's got to 'carpe scrutum' somehow.

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