MetroDad

How to speak to your newborn baby

I speak to the Peanut constantly. Even though she's only 4 weeks old and looks at me like I'm a fucking lunatic, I read somewhere that all my babbling will eventually speed up her language development and turn her into a literary genius someday (of course, the downside is that most of the literary geniuses I know are currently waiting tables downtown at French bistros. But I digress.)

Anyway...it took me a little while to learn how to speak to the Peanut. I don't have much prior experience speaking to newborns so I didn't really know where to start. At first, there was a lot of "hey, baby girl", or "Watch out! I'm gonna eat you!" That soon evolved into "Please, baby, please! I'll give you $50 if you stop crying." and "Holy Shit! I cannot believe you crapped that much!"

But I think I'm starting to get the hang of it now and the level of our dialogue has progressed to a much higher level. Even though we don't yet speak the same language, we've somehow learned to communicate and understand one another. The best analogy I can think of is that it's kind of like if you only spoke English and had to speak to someone who only spoke Chinese, but you both communicated using the limited amount of Spanish you each learned from watching the Simpsons on TV in SAP.

Yesterday, we had a nice long conversation about boys having cooties and how, if possible, she should try to avoid ALL contact with them until she's 18 years old. When I mentioned that this even included EYE contact, she kind of looked up at me and shrugged in a way that said, "Sure, Daddy. I'll try. But it doesn't matter anyway because nobody is as awesome as you." (HAH! Little does she know that this will be an ongonig conversation for MANY years to come!)

After our talk about boys, I then spoke to her at length about the importance of a good work ethic and how there was no such thing as a free meal. I told the Peanut that I was bringing this up now because BossLady and I had noticed that she was getting a little lazy with her suckling these days. We spoke about how the days of free-flowing bottle nipples were long gone. Now that her jaundice had cleared up, it was time to get back to work. After all, I told her, breast milk doesn't grow on trees.

But one of our deepest conversations was while I was changing her Sesame Street diapers. Since each diaper has a different character on the diaper, I thought it would be a good time to explain why Elmo is good and why Bert is bad. I always try to make sure that she doesn't crap when wearing the Elmo diaper and I explained to her that this is because the larger lesson in life is that Elmo is a friend and it's important to learn that you should never shit on your friends.

On the other hand, Bert is kind of a cranky asshole so it's ok to crap on him. Besides, I explained to her, they don't make diapers with Osama Bin Laden's face on them...yet!

(Note to marketers...if I go to the grocery next month and see diapers with Osama's face on them, I'm going to want a piece of that action. So far, the Peanut's college fund consists of some loose change and a couple of tic tacs.)

And what the f*ck did "Ghost 2" teach you?

I know that there are a lot of political blogs out there that are providing balanced information for the American voter. But just in case you're looking for alternative voices, I offer you a few opinions from some of the word's most influential political commentators. I'm especially intrigued by those people who might shed greater enlightenment on the geo-political stability of the Middle East. Here's what a few of those people have to say.

Yasser Arafat, leader of the PLO, is endorsing Kerry for president.

The Iranian Mullahs are endorsing Bush.

Osama bin Laden is saying that Bush is a poop-head with a goat fetish.

But Walter Cronkite is telling me to ignore Osama because Karl Rove put him up to it.

It's all so confusing. Fortunately a noted intellectual has come forward to sort it all out for me.

"US film star Patrick Swayze in Warsaw Thursday criticized the United States for not respecting local sensitivities in Iraq, and said he wanted to go and support the troops there but feared being killed."

And lest anyone doubt Mr. Swayze's expertise:

"I know a great deal about the Middle East," said Swayze "BECAUSE I'VE BEEN RAISING ARABIAN HORSES FOR OVER 20 YEARS."

Congratulations, Mr. Swayze! Despite fierce competition, you are this year's winner of the Idiotic Celebrity Political Statement of the Year. Here's the 2nd place finisher.

"We have a voice now, and we're not using it, and women have so much to lose. I mean, we could lose our bodies, you know? We could um--if you think that rape should be legal, then don't vote. But if you think that you have a right to your body, and you have a right to say what happens to you and fight off that danger of losing that, then you should probably vote, and those are the..." - Cameron Diaz on Oprah

Thank God It's Monday!

If someone were to take a 48 hour snapshot of my life, they would have seen what I had to deal with this past weekend...

1. The flu. Not just any flu but a viral descendent of the bubonic plague (ok..I exaggerate). I'm not sure but it feels like someone may have spiked my scotch with anthrax. There's no other way to explain the constant headache, the fever, the nausea, the sore throat, the cough...well, I think you get the point.

2. My mother-in-law staying with us for a week. Now, I love my MIL and she was an enormous help to me and the BossLady. But my MIL and the BossLady have one of those mother-daughter relationships that are foreign to us men. One minute, they can be fighting and screaming at each other. But two seconds later, they're hugging and laughing so hard that they're in tears! How do women do this? I'll never know. I sometimes felt like I was on the hormonal rollercoaster ride of a lifetime.

3. My parents came over for the day. And like most parents, they fulfilled their parental duties...by driving me fucking crazy! I know they mean well. But when it comes to their granddaughter, they have a theory for everything. She's not sleeping because she's hungry. She's not eating because she pooped her diaper. She's not pooping because she ate too long ago. She's too warm. No, wait! Now, she's too cold! How I ever survived them is beyond me!

4. My beautiful 3 1/2 week-old daughter has decided that she will not, can not, and should not sleep during the day. Not one wink. At all. During the day. We've tried everything! But the Peanut is smarter than us. She's learned to play possum. It would be amusing except for the fact that it's exhausting. The only good thing is that she can sleep the night away. Last night, she slept for about 10 straight hours. She'll eat with her eyes closed and then pop off back to sleep. But life would still be easier for us if she slept like a normal baby.

5. The dog. After a brief acclimation period to the Peanut, our dog was seemingly getting better. His appetite had returned. He was no longer jealous of the baby. And he stopped peeing all over the apartment. But this past weekend, he must have known that I wasn't feeling well so he decided to get constipation, forcing me to take him on hour long walks. And if that wasn't enough, he decided to start peeing in the apartment again. Aarrgh!

So here I am in the office at 9:00 am on a Monday morning with an enormous work week ahead of me. But after the past few days, it almost seems like paradise. Am I crazy? 'Cause I never thought I'd ever look forward to a Monday morning! Ever!