Don't tell anyone but I think my wife has been abducted by aliens. Since the birth of our child 5 weeks ago, I believe that aliens have replaced BossLady with a woman who looks strikingly similar and sounds eerily the same...except for the fact that she has ENORMOUS boobs. Seriously, these are not normal boobs. These are EXTRATERRESTRIAL PORN STAR boobs.
Yes, of course they were large during pregnancy. Like many other women, the BossLady's mammaries were abundantly engorged while she was pregnant. However, since she gave birth and started breastfeeding, she's already lost quite a bit of her pregnancy weight. In fact, she looks fantastic and it's hard to believe that she gave birth only a scant 5 weeks ago. Not only has she lost her pregnant pot belly but she's also regained the ability to bend at the waist. Even her pregnancy Hobbit feet (which caused endless nights of tears) have returned to human proportions! But, Good Lord, have I mentioned the BOOBS?
It's so strange to see them. I've never been much of a breast man. I was always a firm believer that anything over a handful or a mouthful was just plain excessive. Both my parents were quite frugal so I've always been a "waste not, want not" kind of guy. Besides, my lovely BossLady always had beautiful, normal-sized boobs. I was always extremely pleased with them before and I'm not exactly sure how I feel about her new friends. They're so big, I feel like there may not be room for all of us.
And do I even need to mention the size of her nipples? her enormous larger-than-life nipples? Last night, she turned towards me without a top on and I thought it was a stick-up! I instinctively put my hands above my head and threw my wallet at her. (As usual, she just shook her head and looked at me as if I was crazy.)
It must be the strangest feeling for women. To wake up one day and have these enormous cantaloupes sticking out of your chest? I can't even envision a similar analogy that I've experienced in my lifetime. I guess the closest one would be if I woke up tomorrow and my testicles were the size of bowling balls. I shudder just thinking about it.
But BossLady has taken quite a liking to her new boobs. I don't think she wants to return them. She's been dropping a few hints lately about getting breast implants sometime in the future. I told her she could save up for the surgery by renting her boobs out to feed all the neighborhood kids. Either way, if her boobs continue to retain their gargantuan size, I think I'm going to have to give her a porn star name.
Or maybe I'll just call her BossLadies.