I've noticed that many of my parenting brethren have wholeheartedly embraced the concept of the minivan and some quick google research reveals that minivan sales in the U.S. are up by almost 11% this year. And though I'm sure that this is a fantastically convenient way to transport kids around town, let's make one thing perfectly clear...MINIVANS ARE FOR SOCCER MOMS!!!
Gentlemen...I'm not saying that Real Men don't drive minivans. In fact, a man who drives a minivan is most likely a very caring father with only his children's best interests at heart. So, in one sense, I think it takes a real man to drive a minivan. It's just the emasculating image of a man driving a minivan that I find amusing. Actually, I find it hilarious. I literally start chuckling out loud every time I see a guy drive a minivan. (I know most of you do too. It's ok. You don't have to admit it.)
Ladies...when I say that MINIVANS ARE FOR SOCCER MOMS, that's not meant to be a sexist statement. There's really no way to be politically correct about this whole matter. But I think you all know that I love women. I love moms. And I love women who are moms. (Shit, I even love women who are dads.) But, here at MetroDad, I just want to tell you some things that your husbands might not want you to know.
First of all, if your husband has agreed to buy and drive the minivan himself, there's a good chance that he's actually a soccer mom trapped in a man's body. Because, as convenient as minivans may be, they scream "I am woman! Hear me roar!" So if your husband truly enjoys driving a minivan, I would check his briefcase for eyeliner and lipstick. You might also want to check his credit card receipts for any purchases of XXL-size lingerie at Victoria's Secret. (Be extra wary if he ordered the minivan in Indigo Girls Fuschia.)
Secondly, you should know that many men who have agreed to get a minvan may actually have ulterior motives in mind. In the back of their minds, they're thinking that they'll earn some future goodwill credits by agreeing to purchase the minivan. In the guy's mind, these credits can be applied anytime in the future for such things as a pick-up truck, a Harley motorcycle, a trip to Vegas, or oral sex.
Thirdly, you should know that a small minority of men are buying minivans to appease their wives. But like Picasso, they see the minivan as a blank canvas to be used as a starting point for their mechanical artistry. This is especially prevalent in Southern California, where it's not uncommon to see cherry red minivans, pimped out with customs rims and spoilers. These men are dangerous because, before you know it, you're going to the grocery store in a low-rider Chrysler Voyage with neon fenders. Bitchin!
Really, I don't mean to make cracks at guys who drive minivans and I certainly don't mean to question their masculinity. BUT I JUST CAN'T HELP MYSELF! (Sorry..hahaha) I just wouldn't want a minivan for the same reason that I wouldn't want to drive a pink Mary Kay Cadillac with bunnies all over it. Being a modern man who doesn't hunt or chew tobacco, I've got to hold on to every last vestige of masculinity that society is still allowing me. And sure, I love nice clothing, fine dining and spa days. But I've got to draw the line somewhere! And right now, the line is at minivans.
(p.s. the inspiration for this post came because I was walking downtown in Soho the other day and saw a minivan with a bumper sticker saying, "if this minivan's rocking, don't come knocking." Needless to say, I thought this was pretty fucking funny. I waited around to see what the guy driving it looked like but I couldn't tell because his skirt was in the way. Hah!)